"Both Empaths and Narcissists suffer from early developmental trauma. The difference is that Narcissists are essentially weak, and succumb to selfishness and hate, whilst Empaths rise above their torturous past, and continue to be there for humanity." ~ Rohit Barman (TheMindsJournal)
I had noticed that we all (kids from Hell-family) ended up one way or the other but never considered how much that makes sense before. I'm thankful every day that I am one of the "too sensitive " , mocked by the Nfolk. Too much can feel overwhelming but hollow must be awful
- Cut communication - altogether if possible - Stop reacting - they want your reaction good or bad - Remember none of it is about you or your worth, you are enough - it's about them and they do this in many relationships - Know that they are unlikely to change - they don't understand they are wrong and believe their own lies - Remember they don't love and hate - they win/lose - Put the energy back into loving yourself, chose you - Be okay without an apology and one day find forgiveness as they are a damaged human being (not to condone, for your own good)
Thank you for this. I have been struggling again about going back after we talked a couple days ago. I keep thinking I should forgive and be “a bigger” person, but at the same time, if my need for a deeper connection will never happen, why? My therapist said the same thing about my husband never being able to change. Sigh…
@@deborah5415 Being the bigger person can mean knowing you deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and civility. Things a narcissist will NEVER be able to give you. God said for us to be equally yoked, not a whipping post for others. Spend time investing in your growth and evolving yourself. That is self love.
It depends on the narcissist. When I called out my sister she went on a campaign of slander behind my back. When my husband called out my MIL she threw a glass of wine at his head. Some react violently while some react in non-violent but equally destructive ways. All of them are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs!
Hey Chelle.. I was commenting on when I come across you and all what you just said in your comments is great and amazing, I will like us to been a friend's, is that's okay with you..??
Yes. When I called out my sister, she proceeded to try to destroy my relationship with my kid's mother. The funny thing is, My kid's mother is a narc too. She went on a slander world tour after she cheated on me and left be with the new supply.
Oh, how I can relate to this! My narcissistic older sister does the same thing....if you call her out, she will trash you behind your back. Try to turn old friends against you. Turn family members against you, use them as flying monkeys. I had realized for decades she was profoundly neurotic. It's only been in the last eighteen months that I've realized she is a narcissist.
“Narcissists can only focus on their injured feelings” Exactly - too self centered to acknowledge the pain they cause others, besides being so evil that they want others to hurt as they do… for their pleasure.
I said to One know- all big mouth " please talk to me respectfully- no nasty name calling, I will be Treated Right!" she was stunned,.... WHO RAISED HER? she's NUTs.
@@sickofcrap8992 …wouldn’t he be shocked if you flipped out and did small acts of kindness at times least expected - knowing what he’s like, and didn’t quit..? If you think about how much effect a candle has in a dark room, that’s what those acts of kindness are like: the light drives away the darkness.
It's impossible to have an intelligent conversation with a two-year-old so this is the same way that a narcissist person reacts to something that they may not like
Don't know if this is the same thing: whole principle of presentation is N. going more aggressive. Your dude may have something else going on. So sorry, anyway.
Yep. They feel that if they're being helped, that intones that they are vulnerable or incapable, and HELL NO that is NOT to be the case! LOL So they freak.
I feel for you. We lost so many family members by the damage our Narc did to us. We had to go "no contact" and move to the other side of the country to finally get some peace.
Im so sorry this is happening to you. It really sucks to be helpless and not being able to make other see what is really happening. The only thing we have is acceptance that we cant change anyones mind and it is none of our business to do it. They choose to believe the narc over your good character, so unfortunately they were never really in your corner :(
Treating them as though they are insignificant in your life will send them into a narcissistic rage. Their anger at you for not deferring to them or acknowledging them and their wonderfulness and giving them their narcissistic supply will bring out anger and a need for a revenge. Run, don’t walk away from this person. Permanently.
The narcissist is a sad, insecure, empirically immature person. I really saw this a few months ago with my father on the phone. He just raged and raged at me for no good reason and he wonders why I'm not around anymore. He wonders why nothing has changed or gotten better when I say that I want things to be better. I'm not the problem and I'm so glad I see it clearly now.
Dr Carter. Can you please cover the topic of why narcissists are "wound collectors" (as in they always hold grudges and engage in circular arguments about the same issues repeatedly no matter how much time has passed)?. They also use the same standard stock phrases over and over again. Another suggestion for a video might be why narcissists are not relationship material. Thankyou !
Yes i would like to try and understand there circular arugments, my narc is extremely repetitive he repeats the same words even in the say way so much so that I can predict his words behaviour and outcome
@@mirandapitzer4330 Keeps us mixed up about them. It's a tactic of theirs. Go flat on them. Pay attention when they do that. Mine says I don't pay attention. They absolutely have my attention now. I just watch & listen to them. I try not to react. It works to not get confused about them.
@@lindasharpe7039 Absolutely you are right. After 23 yrs together I don't even give him a response at all. I no longer am confused by him bullshit and keeping myself on the topic in hand keeps me holding him accountable! Which makes for things to be miserable to a certain extent until you get away. But im getting away!! Im staying in MY REALITY! Not his wonderland if misery
Being raised with narcissistic parents sets you up for failure like having a handicap for the rest of your life. I don't believe you can permanently break free from the trauma but you can certainly become a more functional adult.
@@cassiebrown9786 Exactly, I haven't been able to find much about how to deal with trauma bonds broken by the death of the narcissist but I have experienced this personally. It's really weird and difficult. Salud
@@womaninwood9177 I agree. My now deceased narcissist mother passed same behavior to my sister. Thankfully I have no contact ( with mean sister) and don't live close by. I only stayed in contact with my narcissistic mother ( who never showed love ) out of respect. I tried doing the right thing.
"You can't help somebody or assist somebody who refuses to be helped." "Even if they say they don't believe in my good character, they can't take it away from me." These sentences (and the whole video) helped me a lot, thank you very much.
I 'm listening to this video, by according to the date is todays date. He is describing my X-hus to a tea. I cannot believe Dr. Carter has pin-pointed this mentally disturbed people, called narcissists. I'm so glad you have started these videos and I have followed ever since I did an essay on Chris Watts killings. I had no idea how these topic videos have helped me in my personal life. Thank you and bless you for your input. I really appreciate everything I hear and learn. 😄 p.s. I love Gus, too.
I asked a narcissistic business partner to reflect on how her words and actions had upset me. She sent me pages and pages about how I'm mentally ill, delusional, scary, crazy, and so on... and she also told a mutual friend that I have had a mental breakdown. This video makes it so much clearer why a person would react that way.
"Stay inside your good character!" Such a protection for mental and emotional peace....'and no one can take that away from you". Thanks Dr C, more valuable insights on how to handle these difficult interactions 💜
"Stay inside your good character." Thank you Dr. C!!❤️ You are very wise and also you are very non judgmental. I appreciate how you never lecture people or look down on them.
I use to do this. It’s fruitless. Also hard not to do. What I learned, which changed the whole game for me was, it was my frustration and anger that they couldn’t or wouldn’t see my side. To not get consideration, you feel powerless. But the goal is not to have power over them, but over yourself. You can’t do anything for them. You live in reality narcissists live to be right.
Is it a trait of a narcissist that they expect you to say things, and when you do not respond with whatever they expect you to say, they explode? I constantly said the wrong things and he always questioned me. “I expected you to say ____, not what you said. Why did you say that?”
Exactly ! I remember their face expressions. Completely dumbfounded when I would called them out on their intentions. Duh ! Hello ! Hello ! Obviously obvious.
Exactly 💯💯. My husband doesn't like to be questioned at all. He loves to be in control and doesn't like to talk things out at all. He's a big baby for sure. Yep he lashes out when I try to get us to talk. Yes he gets angry 😡. He doesn't like to be wrong. Yes I've been punished more times than I can count. He will turn it back on me if he can. He gets loud and tries to scare me with his tone. Brings back memories of domestic abuse with him.
"You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped" That took me way too long to learn. And then once you do learn to let go, they turn right around and use it against you. *shakes head*
I agree. It defies natural, human behavior. I had to start recording the conversations so that afterward I could listen again to the responses and go wow...they really did mean that. The "I don't think, I KNOW I have nothing to work on."
Saying “No thank you, not interested.”is going to be my new way of not playing the game or being around them. Because saying that you have plans already makes them mad.
I believe it’s all about consequences & they must hit rock bottom alone before they can even get a glimpse of their abusive actions. Until that happens they feel in their minds to be in total charge & that those around them have given them the reigns to continue cracking the whip. They are like a spoiled child acting out for correction & structure.
I wished they could be reasoned with, but it's not possible, even if they know there are consequences. I've had my fair share of dealing with those evil people. Too many to mention.
My husband realizes he's abusive, he says things just come out without thinking, like he doesn't have control over himself when he's angry and doesn't remember the things he says and does, and says he didn't mean for it to go that far .Some how I believe him ,it doesn't make it right ,then he goes off and punches himself for doing and saying things ,like really down and depressed, I just leave him be until he comes out of it ,I don't feel one bit sorry for him I am the victim.
They don't hit rock bottom. They cause you to hit rock bottom. They don't ever see anything they do as abusive. You are the abuser by default, even when you don't do anything. You are deluding yourself if you think "consequences" will ever change anything.
@@sickofcrap8992 I really struggled in my marriage with feeling like my consequences for him would never change him. But you’re right. They never did change him. What changed was me. When I started having better boundaries and I changed into a person who didn’t respond to him in the same way he was used to, he decided to leave me. I was devastated at first but now I realize it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. So, to your point, I agree with you but we don’t have to change them, we just have to change us. That’s all we have control over anyway!
Thanks Dr. C! Life is so much better now I really know I'm not the defective one, that I'm worthy of being treated with Dignity, Respect, and Civility. I've seen more than enough overt and passive aggressive outbursts for a lifetime. No more, done with all of them going on a year now! Looking forward to my first ever narcissist-free holidays, and concentrating on my goals and growth in the next year. My best wishes to all out there striving for freedom, it's tough but so are you, and you're worth the effort, believe it!
Thank you for the lovely comment! The narcissist family member makes the holidays exhausting and all about themselves. My New Year's resolution has been to no longer spend any get-together or celebration with them, and since then, I've actually come to enjoy the holidays and view them in a more favorable light and have positive experiences the way we all deserve!
They will say “what can I do to make it better “ when you are leaving them…but of course they NEVER mean it, it’s just a tactic to suck you back in and make you believe they can and will change for you. Been there done that!! Never again!!!
So, last Sunday I got my own apartment and am moving more stuff in tomorrow so this is our last night in his home. Well, today he lashed out bad. But, I got through it.
My friend thinks that all you have to do is show them love and they'll "love you back." He's so positive all the time, I don't think he has a narcissist in his family. I'm happy he hasn't needed to face a personal narcissist but his happy rays sunshine are funny. It isn't going to work. My therapist told me to stay far away from them. That surprised me. Therapists aren't acting the way they did years ago. They're not trying to get you together with narcissists anymore. It still feels weird though.
My therapist said the same about keeping my distance from narcissist sister, neighbor and others showing narcissistic behavior. They aren't willing or capable of change.
It's hard to give them love if the only thing you getting from them is toxicity, criticism, judgment, anger and abuse. It's inevitably going to impact your soul. The best way is to stay away. The only solid advice. The therapist is right. Edit: of course it helps to understand how their own trauma formed their personality. But don't get entangled with them through feeling guilt, too much compassion and love for them. It's a waste of time. Think of your own protection.
Me and my husband have been married for 21yrs . And always thought it was just me that was doing something wrong. But now , I know what is going on here. My husband is actually a narcissist . I try to talk to him about things and he always turns things around saying it's my fault things are the way they are. When we first got married he wasn't like that. I didn't see it coming. He really started when are son was born it 2002.
Maybe he knows full well what he is doing and was waiting for your kid to be born to show his true face so that he would have "tied you" to him on a permanent way.
Gus looks so peaceful laying on the couch. He's heard it all most of it twice we can learn from him too. Ask him if he cares what narcissists say and I would think he wouldn't raise even one eyelid. He has found the peace you always wish for us. Perhaps thats the doggie version of Grey Rock Idk.
I was just thinking what a friendly and cozy place that room is with the scenic cabin and River on the wall the soothing green super soft sofa and pillow and the cuddly golden retriever waiting. If there's one thing this gentleman project it is goodness Goodwill and safety. That makes for one safe and pleasant space.
The problem is you don't even need to do something for them to feel injured by you. Just being annoys them if they think you are smarter/prettier/more successful/whatever
My estranged husband is a prime example of what you are talking about. The “straw” for me was when he went bananas over me suggesting we hire a plumber for a very serious plumbing problem. It turned ugly real fast and physical. Done. Trying to get a divorce now. It’s been 18 months.
From childhood all the way to adulthood, I can't even begin to remember how many times or people have either lashed out to someone else in front of me or at me for God knows what. Watching videos like this really put me to ease and gives me a much bigger and better self awareness with what and who I deal with.
I’ve dealt with this from my husband’s family. I didn’t comply with their demands that I delete an innocuous Facebook post that was none of their business. The three of them called me 65+ times each, for three days in a row. At that point I was permanently done with them.
Did the Facebook post have anything to do with their family?? Even if it did- calling you that often is harassment. I'm glad you had the fortitude to withstand their onslaught. You're a strong person.
Had I known all this at the start, I would have been done at hello. “Let’s talk.” They dont do that. Immature. I initiated no contact so they will surely let others know they are a pathetic victim.
What a gem from Heaven! Thank you So Much for this multi-faceted revelation that shores-up my spirit for another great day of forging ahead on the High Road
OMG......Toxic Narc Husband raised in huge Catholic Family extremely harsh controlling father. I'm not sure my narc is capable of love. It has taken 40+ years to finally realize this. He has systematically destroyed me and our sons. And still comes out looking like a rockstar and always surrounds himself with plenty of "flying monkeys" (all collected from his favorite bar) who pump him up daily so when he comes home he is ready to dole out a new evening of SHAME and Loathing.
They ALWAYS blame you! It's all of your fault of what happened wrong around the time they're around you! They're SO AWEFUL I simply call them Satan! If they ever say that they were hurt around you it's always a 1 up on you that they had it so much WORSE than you & you have NO reason to gripe at all!
I love to watch Dr. Carter's newest video every Saturday morning while I eat my breakfast. Its a great way to start the day! Thank you, as always, for your insight, Dr. C! 🙂
And then there is the narcissist who has acquired a sophisticated repertoire of spiritual/emotional lingo. So now it's, "YOU're projecting", or "YOU don't trust ME" or "you don't know how to receive love, you're blocked, you need to learn how to trust people" or "you don't give me the space i need to be vulnerable". A whole other level of manipulative self preservation. But the more you are centered and non reactive the more transparent and powerless these strategies are. All you have to do is show alittle bit of self respect (boundaries and consequences) and they flip out. Dont react to their flipping out at all and watch them turn themselves inside out. So glad I no longer find myself in physical proximity to these people. It only happens through text now and only for as long as it takes for me to recognize what I'm dealing with. Compassion for myself is more important now than compassion for the other.
Thanks Dr Carter. I understand now there's no point trying to work things out with the narc. I tried that once and came away feeling like I'm the one that has to change. The more kinder and helpful I became the more I got abused and dominated. So I just treat this person like I do a stranger.
PLEASE do NOT make the multiple mistakes I made since I left COVERT & MALIGNANT narc ex husband. Go FULL 💯 NO CONTACT. You will achieve NOTHING by continued contact. If you're married wait awhile before you file for a divorce. Go on with your life. Cut off the narcist in EVERY possible way. You will be SAFER that way.
Agreed. The only way to win with a narcissist is to not play the game = no contact. I am done loving him and feeling sorry for him. My peace and happiness is more important
I never thought I would meet someone who could relate so well to what I have dealt with for many years and all the pain I have endured from a narcissist. I have told several people in the same boat about you Dr. Carter. Wonderful information. So sad those injured souls don't see what they are doing to those they claim they love.
Its difficult to anticipate what will injure them, since their fragile ego is so easily hurt. Who can know that asking them to put a new bin liner in the kitchen bin can be taken as a criticism. Talking to them AT ALL is a very treacherous process, as it is impossible to guess how they will react to any verbal exchange. In my current relationship, this is even more perilous as there is no surface reaction, I might only find out weeks later that something upset him, after I find some item of mine broken, or sabotaged. He's very passive aggressive. The element of doubt is what has kept our relationship going so long, but he's blown his cover recently.
The blame and victim mode. That's just what's happened with me. I got all the blame and she played the victim by saying she was only ever trying to be a good friend to me. She listed the "things" that she did for me and said it was my problems that caused all the trouble in our friendship. That's a load of baloney. She's trying to gaslight me as well. Thank you Dr Carter for these videos xx
A loved one reminded me not to lose my Christian witness. Even Jesus called the hypocrites , snakes. And it was true, not sin. So tbh I taught my children no name calling. Yet I have sincerely called the narc jackass hundreds of times over the years. Question. How sad would the current world be without these videos!
Depending on the role a Narcissist plays in your life, meaning their power to do you some actual harm it can be advantageous to dial up the empathy, compassion, and forgiveness towards them. I have found they often respond positively to this approach. Understanding that in some situations this is not going to work when it becomes absolutely necessary to place firm boundaries in an effort to protect yourself from actual harm.
So many complexities in narcissistic family systems, crazy keeps chasing it’s own tail because resolution actually isn’t a goal. I have found a little peace in an unlooked for place. I’ve never been fond of dogs but my wife bought a GSP ‘Ernie’. No matter what sort of day you’ve had Ernie loves you unconditionally, and just wants to be with you. Maybe you let go of unrequited love and be open to wherever it might flow? Otherwise, intellectually I can process the whole 30 year train wreck but can never seem to process it emotionally. Nearly time to just let it go.
This describes my recent X wife to a tee. The fact we share custody makes it impossible for me to totally grey rock her. She has to be in total control and constantly tries to blame me for anything going wrong in her life or the life of our child. I have held my breath so many times and just take it. I don't want our young child to experience any more than he has to. I feel so bad for him. This lunatic has to be his mother for at least 12 more years.
Dr. Carter, thank you for helping me find strategies and some ways to seek order in the chaos of dealing with multigenerational narcissistic behaviors in too many of the people whom I love. I have been praying for years for healing and peace. Learning from you that no amount of love and empathy can fix their brokenness has freed me to begin to establish boundaries and to a live as myself. I am so exhausted from years putting out fires and making excuses for rude behavior and repairing their damage.
To salvage your mental health, QUIT immediately. There are a lot of jobs out there these days due to the shortages. The people there obviously want you gone and they will never change and will keep it up until they succeed. Find another job first (making certain to VET the bosses and employees there so that you don't end up in the same situation)
@@EphemeralProductions I'm discerning a bit of this, as I was telling my pops they are at the point of sabotaging my time logging and work accountability on the digital system, where it would show that I've nothing logged for the entire day yet I've been working all day. They are very low people even production manager, mostly because lack of control and the things that I do or say come to fruition or bore fruit showing them up as I sense, I only want to be good at my job and make positive contributions.
By God’s divine intervention, this video popped up in my YT feed today! For years my husband & I have been trying to deal with my now elderly mother’s personality problems, but only last week I read an article about narcissism related to something else & realized that was her to a T!!! Watershed moment! And now today I discovered your channel. Praise God! I can’t wait to delve into your other videos to learn how I can continue to care for her without losing my mind. God bless you, sir!
The paranoia is a big tell. I recently had a supervisor who thought our director was out to 'get' him. I spent a lot of time trying to reassure him before realizing he was redirecting his paranoia onto ME. That's when I realized there was no way to have a rational discussion with him and I had to leave the job.
He was always asking "Who's in charge?" I quickly learned to respond, "Who do YOU think is in charge?" and just agree with his answer, because obviously it's just words that don't change the reality.
I left my ex narc many months ago The police had to get involved I didn't want it that way, but he wouldn't leave me alone. I feel sorry for anybody who is a narciccist, they are just sad and pathetic. They need help, I thought I could help him, but no, he only destroyed me. But I'm very aware now and understand these kind of people. Love should never be hard, but easy and smooth. Respect and civility and equality should be normal, but never with a narccistist. God help these sad people, that's all they are, is sad and insecure. Much respect to u Dr, for educating us.
This channel is like the red pill...once you see the dynamic for what it is, you can never un-see it. It's been 11 years since I divorced my narcissist, but he's still the father of my children, now teenagers, and when they have to cope with his behavior, I use these videos to help them understand in a way that isn't coming from me. I've also sent these videos to friends when they describe their relationship dynamic in a way that I find creepily familiar.
Thank you for all the videos! Dealing with narcissism at the workplace and at home. Ugh! At least we have this knowledge though. Once you hear this, everything about them starts to make sense
Excellent advise, I just love these podcasts because they are so informative. Injured soul is the most perfect description of the covert narc in my life.
The last time I had any sort of "social contact" with my older sister was in the walmart. This was over 2 years ago. She was in the shoe aisle talking to someone. I saw her, and I called out: "HEY SIS"! I GOT THE DIRTIEST/MOST/EVIL/LOOK from her! She didn't say a WORD TO ME! She turned around and walked away going down the main aisle to the other side of the store. My elderly mother was trying to reconciliate with me in the last few years of her life. I GOT CUT OFF! Obviously my sister was behind all of this! My mother "passed" 3months ago. She died in a nursing home and I was never notified of this situation! THIS IS ALL ABOUT WHAT WAS LEFT of my parent's money! She is very well off financially in comparison to me. Lesson is that people who have more, WANT MORE AND MORE AND MORE! Now I'm waiting to receive this small inheritance that by all indication my mother wanted me to have, yes it is $$$$, not a king's fortune. For someone in my financial situation, QUITE A BIT much more than I HAVE! I'm retired and living on a VERY MODEST income. My mother knew of my humble status, and sympathized with me. My sister views me as a "drain on the resources", so I am an outcast! I pray for her, that GOD would change her heart/mind and she would see the error of her sinful stingy greedy ways. Biggest favor she has ever done for me: SHE STAYS AWAY! Given the death of my mother, and since the funeral director came to my house to notify me, also needed my signature on a document for my mom, as she wanted to be cremated. As I write this, no funeral, no "memorial service" of any sort. My mother was NOT religious, and I pray that she got RIGHT WITH JESUS before she passed.
☹️ there’s just no answer to them. They won’t give you happiness, you can’t hug it out of them, there won’t be any commitment. Nothing will ever make sense on an emotional level. All I can think is that absence might help you stop feeling them
Sounds exactly like my story, but my elderly mom is still living. Never in a million years would I have thought it would have played out like this, but I have come to a place of radical acceptance. Praying for peace in your life Mark.
Mark, I believe you wrote my story. Narcissist, greedy sister that didn't notify me of our mother dying in a nursing home. Then turned around and told everyone I didn't love our mother. She stole from mom, but to make matters worse, she stole our mother's dignity. Crazy shit for sure.
This definitely helps me to empathise with the narcissist's experience. But it also helps me to understand better how I can and must stay outside of their games.
Dr. C, I noticed while watching this video only a few days posted, that you dog Gus was licking his front paws which can indicate an ear infection. Love you both and want your healthy best.
Yes, being a terrier mutt, that is a vulnerability. He has a good vet and takes meds, but as you can see, he's still susceptible. Thanks for your concern. D. C
Awwww what a cute pup in the background lol Thanks for the video..... I'm dealing with more than one. Ugggh I'm worn out from the drama! I'm moving far away from them. I feel sad about losing the relationship with my sister and other family members.... but I will not be sucked into all the BS drama..... I like my peace. I had to learn about and set healthy boundries . After a LOT of self help n growth , I can recognize unhealthy folks and relationships more easily And it sure has been an eye opener Even in how I have played a part in the sickness of it all..... life is SHORT and nothing is worth living this ABUSIVE HELL. I MOVE ON No matter what it takes. Sad though.... in how high the price of peace can be. 😔
I had to go NO Contact 42 years ago with my Narcissistic mother and enabling father. My brother did the same about four years ago. He gave up being the only communicating child and getting nothing in return. The stress caused him to have a stroke (short-term memory loss and no paralysis thank God), but he needed one year of therapy and has not been the same since then. Most of his memories have returned. His wife helped him with her support and my parents were clueless.
Thank you. The toxicity of these relationships I believe does manifest in such toxic health catastrophes. I always knew there was something very wrong with my family. I knew nothing about narcissm until they almost brought me to suicide. She had a massive stroke at 51 and he had a serious heart attack at 54 - makes total sense now. They have not changed mentally through this at all. Can you believe that!
I can either concentrate on the reason for my mother’s narcissistic behavior or save myself. At this point I literally can no longer be objective with her reasons…I just want to survive her abuse and get away from her. She will never change! It’s only getting worse. The only way out is to shut the door on her or simply put not give a damn anymore about her.
I agree with everything you said They're damaged. I've been putting up with my narcissist neighbor for 3 years 3 and 1/2 years actually. Pretty much I've been taking it and taking it and taking it hoping he would just burn himself out. This past week I dare to move my car 8 in forward so I could put some boxes in the back of it and he came out and he pushed my car with his rear end and then yelled out loud it's about to get ugly. He just crossed my boundary line so I went to the police turns out he's got a lot of family in the area and I was actually told by the police that they don't want to talk to him because he's just going to get nastier with me basically I got told keep your mouth shut. The police officer said he pushed the car and yes it's wrong but I understand that if they go over and talk to him the behavior is going to escalate because they really can't do anything about it. Society has given these people a free pass to be bullies this is what we have now a bunch of bullies running amok and you can't avoid them I literally am in my house almost on a 24-hour day basis to avoid this guy. You give a lot of wisdom and I agree with everything you say but the reality is there's almost nothing you can do about it I have no money to move my husband died I didn't hit the lottery every dime I had went to his care. I'm stuck and I've got a narcissist who understands the police are afraid of him. That's the only way I can interpret it.
Maybe get a mace spray or taser the next time he steps on your property and touches your belongings. You can say you felt physically threatened if he was yelling and pushing. I hope you have a camera for proof. We have a neighbor that gets away with horrible behavior all up and down the street. The police know and do nothing. I think they consider him a nuisance but don't take it seriously. He's had drugs and prostitutes on his property. He has teen boys that hang around him even though he's in his 60's. His girlfriend took a pic and called them the town mafia because they run around looking for trouble and causing mischief. They love to block the road in front of their property to obstruct people from passing. He times it when he knows certain people are passing. He doesn't have a job so makes s supreme effort to learn everyone's schedule so he's aware of when his intended target/s have to go by to get home after a long day at work. He constantly goes up and down people's driveway for no reason to intimidate. He's run over or poisoned several dogs. One neighbor has spent thousands going to court against him over the years over a property dispute. He kept trying to appropriate about 10 feet over the legal survey on their side. Now he's said the same about us and we're completely across the street! I could go on. He's not just a nuisance. He's evil. I pray God deals with him.
There are SO many narcs out there now; they are ALL around. It's pretty much impossible to keep away from them entirely. We are surrounded by them all around us when we walk out onto the street. It's just gotten worse and worse over the years and may get worse yet.
Moe Banshee: Sue the f__king police department and your bat-shit crazy neighbor. If the cops cannot put the brakes on an imbecilic ass-hole such as your neighbor, they're no more than good-for-nothing bums on the taxpayers' payroll and they and your neighbor should be sued for actual, punitive and exemplary damages. You could also post this BS on social media, in the local newspapers, on utility poles around the neighborhood and form a one-person picket line in front of the bastard's house and, if you can get a permit, in front of the police station. You might also contact an attorney to file a cease and desist application with the court and a possible writ of mandamus against the police department. If all else fails, sue all of the bastards.
I'm in a similar situation; I'm already ill, and have had to be medicated for severe stress, due to the madness of neighbors; reading your situation, makes me feel less alone; I thought Ithat I had become a big baby; I was so terrified to go outside too, but turned that around and make myself visible, and just ignore the old fool; I'm trying to find a suitable house, move, but it's difficult; Good luck to you; Try support groups, and there are agencies who may help finance your move too! Move away from the crazy place!
This describes someone I have known socially for years. One day they wanted to talk about science with me(I have a science degree). Well it soon turned out that they felt that by reading a few blogs, they assumed they knew more than I did about science. I carefully tried to explain the facts of the science, but that just made them angrier. Apparently, I failed to understand how brilliant they thought they were, They soon devolved into insults and threats, That science conversation ended over 5 years ago yet they continue to insult me online.
My older sister (was 3 of us now only 2) has stop talking to me because her slandering and lies has gotten out of hand and all the family and her friends told her to stop communicating with me and now the only person she really felt safe with has to stay out of her life, (I will feel peace over time)!. But all the wolves are at her door now. She let them in and threw me out.
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"Both Empaths and Narcissists suffer from early developmental trauma. The difference is that Narcissists are essentially weak, and succumb to selfishness and hate, whilst Empaths rise above their torturous past, and continue to be there for humanity." ~ Rohit Barman (TheMindsJournal)
I never saw it said this way, and it is really giving me a lot to think about. It makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing this quote!
@@emilystribling7796 Your welcome!
Thank you much for this insight
I had noticed that we all (kids from Hell-family) ended up one way or the other but never considered how much that makes sense before. I'm thankful every day that I am one of the "too sensitive " , mocked by the Nfolk. Too much can feel overwhelming but hollow must be awful
Thank you Aaron for this post! I agree!
- Cut communication - altogether if possible
- Stop reacting - they want your reaction good or bad
- Remember none of it is about you or your worth, you are enough - it's about them and they do this in many relationships
- Know that they are unlikely to change - they don't understand they are wrong and believe their own lies
- Remember they don't love and hate - they win/lose
- Put the energy back into loving yourself, chose you
- Be okay without an apology and one day find forgiveness as they are a damaged human being (not to condone, for your own good)
Thank you for this. I have been struggling again about going back after we talked a couple days ago. I keep thinking I should forgive and be “a bigger” person, but at the same time, if my need for a deeper connection will never happen, why? My therapist said the same thing about my husband never being able to change. Sigh…
@@deborah5415 Being the bigger person can mean knowing you deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and civility. Things a narcissist will NEVER be able to give you. God said for us to be equally yoked, not a whipping post for others.
Spend time investing in your growth and evolving yourself. That is self love.
Wow to all these -esp. "They don"t love and hate . . . . "
Great words of advice. I need to memorize this.
Very true, and very well put.
The narcissist lashes out because he or she can't control you or manipulate you. The narcissist wants capitulation.
It depends on the narcissist. When I called out my sister she went on a campaign of slander behind my back. When my husband called out my MIL she threw a glass of wine at his head. Some react violently while some react in non-violent but equally destructive ways. All of them are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs!
Hey Chelle..
I was commenting on when I come across you and all what you just said in your comments is great and amazing, I will like us to been a friend's, is that's okay with you..??
Slander is the narcissists middle name. Gotta bring in those flying monkeys, too, for additional damage. You have my best wishes.
Yes. When I called out my sister, she proceeded to try to destroy my relationship with my kid's mother. The funny thing is, My kid's mother is a narc too. She went on a slander world tour after she cheated on me and left be with the new supply.
Oh, how I can relate to this! My narcissistic older sister does the same thing....if you call her out, she will trash you behind your back. Try to turn old friends against you. Turn family members against you, use them as flying monkeys.
I had realized for decades she was profoundly neurotic. It's only been in the last eighteen months that I've realized she is a narcissist.
Exactly, mil decided to make my husband's family think bad about me. Im so awful becaus i don't comply and give her her way
“Narcissists can only focus on their injured feelings”
Exactly - too self centered to acknowledge the pain they cause others, besides being so evil that they want others to hurt as they do… for their pleasure.
Mine said 'we need to be nicer to each other' which meant me being nicer to him, and him not being any different!
@@susiefoxy8130 I have given up. I treat mine like he treats me. He doesn't like it. I don't care.
I said to One know- all big mouth " please talk to me respectfully- no nasty name calling, I will be Treated Right!" she was stunned,.... WHO RAISED HER? she's NUTs.
So true Sa Lauerman.
@@sickofcrap8992 …wouldn’t he be shocked if you flipped out and did small acts of kindness at times least expected - knowing what he’s like, and didn’t quit..?
If you think about how much effect a candle has in a dark room, that’s what those acts of kindness are like: the light drives away the darkness.
It's impossible to have an intelligent conversation with a two-year-old so this is the same way that a narcissist person reacts to something that they may not like
Yes every time I try to have an adult conversation he tells me that I’m attacking him. And he starts crying and acts like a child.
That's wild. Darn. Good luck, girl.
Yep and it works to never get anything solved!
Mine 'wants to finish his playstation game first' lol
Don't know if this is the same thing: whole principle of presentation is N. going more aggressive. Your dude may have something else going on. So sorry, anyway.
@@susiefoxy8130 Wasn’t the fact that an adult male is on a PlayStation warning enough? Seriously 😳
Controlling people see ‘help’…as a loss of control. And that, to them…is defeat. Not help. Their own worst enemies.
That makes a lot of sense.
Yep. They feel that if they're being helped, that intones that they are vulnerable or incapable, and HELL NO that is NOT to be the case! LOL So they freak.
It's hard to ignore them when they separate you from other family members.
I feel for you. We lost so many family members by the damage our Narc did to us. We had to go "no contact" and move to the other side of the country to finally get some peace.
Im so sorry this is happening to you. It really sucks to be helpless and not being able to make other see what is really happening. The only thing we have is acceptance that we cant change anyones mind and it is none of our business to do it. They choose to believe the narc over your good character, so unfortunately they were never really in your corner :(
Treating them as though they are insignificant in your life will send them into a narcissistic rage. Their anger at you for not deferring to them or acknowledging them and their wonderfulness and giving them their narcissistic supply will bring out anger and a need for a revenge. Run, don’t walk away from this person. Permanently.
Have zero desire to cross paths with them again but it will inevitably happen. They are babies.
The narcissist is a sad, insecure, empirically immature person. I really saw this a few months ago with my father on the phone. He just raged and raged at me for no good reason and he wonders why I'm not around anymore. He wonders why nothing has changed or gotten better when I say that I want things to be better. I'm not the problem and I'm so glad I see it clearly now.
They have no self awareness.
Protecting myself. Not falling for traps.
Vickie Snow,You look beautiful 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
Dr Carter. Can you please cover the topic of why narcissists are "wound collectors" (as in they always hold grudges and engage in circular arguments about the same issues repeatedly no matter how much time has passed)?.
They also use the same standard stock phrases over and over again. Another suggestion for a video might be why narcissists are not relationship material. Thankyou !
Yes i would like to try and understand there circular arugments, my narc is extremely repetitive he repeats the same words even in the say way so much so that I can predict his words behaviour and outcome
Yes WHY are they such grudge collectors and they can hold a grudge for a lifetime.
@@mirandapitzer4330 Keeps us mixed up about them. It's a tactic of theirs. Go flat on them. Pay attention when they do that. Mine says I don't pay attention. They absolutely have my attention now. I just watch & listen to them. I try not to react. It works to not get confused about them.
@@lindasharpe7039 Absolutely you are right. After 23 yrs together I don't even give him a response at all. I no longer am confused by him bullshit and keeping myself on the topic in hand keeps me holding him accountable! Which makes for things to be miserable to a certain extent until you get away. But im getting away!! Im staying in MY REALITY! Not his wonderland if misery
@@mirandapitzer4330 💙🌹
Being raised with narcissistic parents sets you up for failure like having a handicap for the rest of your life. I don't believe you can permanently break free from the trauma but you can certainly become a more functional adult.
You can break away from their abuse/trauma WHEN THEY DIE
I agree with you. Something I wish I never had this “lightbulb moment “, I call it, and it was downhill from there. Big lie.
@@cassiebrown9786 But their legacy lives on.
@@cassiebrown9786 Exactly, I haven't been able to find much about how to deal with trauma bonds broken by the death of the narcissist but I have experienced this personally. It's really weird and difficult. Salud
@@womaninwood9177 I agree. My now deceased narcissist mother passed same behavior to my sister. Thankfully I have no contact ( with mean sister) and don't live close by. I only stayed in contact with my narcissistic mother ( who never showed love ) out of respect. I tried doing the right thing.
When they know they are losing the argument they'll use every and any means to deflect the topic. 🍒
My ex used to be a master at changing the topic to ME. How I fell for it year after year.
or just get astronomically furious and either try to hurt you physically or tear you down in every conceivable way.
All you need to know is YOUR THE PROBLEM....no matter how vile, cruel, disrespectful or disgusting they are....its you.......
All the time. Cowardly.
So… give the injured soul space to heal when they’re ready - understanding that may be never, but no one needs to stick around for continuing abuse!
"You can't help somebody or assist somebody who refuses to be helped."
"Even if they say they don't believe in my good character, they can't take it away from me."
These sentences (and the whole video) helped me a lot, thank you very much.
I 'm listening to this video, by according to the date is todays date. He is describing my X-hus to a tea. I cannot believe Dr. Carter has pin-pointed this mentally disturbed people, called narcissists. I'm so glad you have started these videos and I have followed ever since I did an essay on Chris Watts killings. I had no idea how these topic videos have helped me in my personal life. Thank you and bless you for your input. I really appreciate everything I hear and learn. 😄 p.s. I love Gus, too.
Auntie Lee and daughter ( if you disagree nicely) !" " Then i can never talk to you!" ----- is that a Threat or a promise-?????
It strikes me that, in person, we recognize these people as narcissists and interpersonal authoritarians. Online, we call them trolls.
Yup! Dr. C
I asked a narcissistic business partner to reflect on how her words and actions had upset me. She sent me pages and pages about how I'm mentally ill, delusional, scary, crazy, and so on... and she also told a mutual friend that I have had a mental breakdown. This video makes it so much clearer why a person would react that way.
Maybe we can set her up with my narc.....sounds very alike
"Stay inside your good character!" Such a protection for mental and emotional peace....'and no one can take that away from you". Thanks Dr C, more valuable insights on how to handle these difficult interactions 💜
Yes! I really liked it when he said that, I was looking for a way to be able deal with the gaslighting ❤❤❤
Yes Susan! Like Dr. C. says...Stay on Team Healthy..DRC Dignity, Respect, Civility!😊
"Stay inside your good character." Thank you Dr. C!!❤️ You are very wise and also you are very non judgmental. I appreciate how you never lecture people or look down on them.
Thanks so much. Dr. C
I find my anger erupts around narcissists and they stay calm and call ME crazy.
Wow that's me too lol
I use to do this. It’s fruitless. Also hard not to do. What I learned, which changed the whole game for me was, it was my frustration and anger that they couldn’t or wouldn’t see my side. To not get consideration, you feel powerless. But the goal is not to have power over them, but over yourself. You can’t do anything for them. You live in reality narcissists live to be right.
Exactly, because they know what buttons to push....then sit smiling and watch us melt down....the. blame us
@@coggsy100 right. Once you figure out what they are you start to feel bad for them. I think of mine as my nephew. He’s 5 and so I act accordingly.
Is it a trait of a narcissist that they expect you to say things, and when you do not respond with whatever they expect you to say, they explode? I constantly said the wrong things and he always questioned me. “I expected you to say ____, not what you said. Why did you say that?”
You're onto it. In their need for control, they already have the agenda written in their minds. Dr. C
Exactly ! I remember their face expressions. Completely dumbfounded when I would called them out on their intentions.
Duh ! Hello ! Hello ! Obviously obvious.
Friend or foe - you just cannot ever have a real conversation with them about anything !
Boy isn't that the truth 💯
Exactly 💯💯. My husband doesn't like to be questioned at all. He loves to be in control and doesn't like to talk things out at all. He's a big baby for sure. Yep he lashes out when I try to get us to talk. Yes he gets angry 😡. He doesn't like to be wrong. Yes I've been punished more times than I can count. He will turn it back on me if he can. He gets loud and tries to scare me with his tone. Brings back memories of domestic abuse with him.
"You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped" That took me way too long to learn. And then once you do learn to let go, they turn right around and use it against you. *shakes head*
I agree. It defies natural, human behavior. I had to start recording the conversations so that afterward I could listen again to the responses and go wow...they really did mean that. The "I don't think, I KNOW I have nothing to work on."
Saying “No thank you, not interested.”is going to be my new way of not playing the game or being around them. Because saying that you have plans already makes them mad.
Best thing is (if possible) to go no contact with them and their flying monkeys and heal the trauma bond.
👏
Block on everything too, including your phone.
It is what our family had to do.
I believe it’s all about consequences & they must hit rock bottom alone before they can even get a glimpse of their abusive actions. Until that happens they feel in their minds to be in total charge & that those around them have given them the reigns to continue cracking the whip. They are like a spoiled child acting out for correction & structure.
I wished they could be reasoned with, but it's not possible, even if they know there are consequences. I've had my fair share of dealing with those evil people. Too many to mention.
Yep your on point
My husband realizes he's abusive, he says things just come out without thinking, like he doesn't have control over himself when he's angry and doesn't remember the things he says and does, and says he didn't mean for it to go that far .Some how I believe him ,it doesn't make it right ,then he goes off and punches himself for doing and saying things ,like really down and depressed, I just leave him be until he comes out of it ,I don't feel one bit sorry for him I am the victim.
They don't hit rock bottom. They cause you to hit rock bottom. They don't ever see anything they do as abusive. You are the abuser by default, even when you don't do anything.
You are deluding yourself if you think "consequences" will ever change anything.
@@sickofcrap8992 I really struggled in my marriage with feeling like my consequences for him would never change him. But you’re right. They never did change him. What changed was me. When I started having better boundaries and I changed into a person who didn’t respond to him in the same way he was used to, he decided to leave me. I was devastated at first but now I realize it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. So, to your point, I agree with you but we don’t have to change them, we just have to change us. That’s all we have control over anyway!
Thanks Dr. C! Life is so much better now I really know I'm not the defective one, that I'm worthy of being treated with Dignity, Respect, and Civility. I've seen more than enough overt and passive aggressive outbursts for a lifetime. No more, done with all of them going on a year now! Looking forward to my first ever narcissist-free holidays, and concentrating on my goals and growth in the next year. My best wishes to all out there striving for freedom, it's tough but so are you, and you're worth the effort, believe it!
Thank you for the lovely comment! The narcissist family member makes the holidays exhausting and all about themselves. My New Year's resolution has been to no longer spend any get-together or celebration with them, and since then, I've actually come to enjoy the holidays and view them in a more favorable light and have positive experiences the way we all deserve!
They do the name calling thing and threaten you, when you challenge them with the truth.
It's always about them , that you must fix you how they say , and that is where they devalue you 😔
They will say “what can I do to make it better “ when you are leaving them…but of course they NEVER mean it, it’s just a tactic to suck you back in and make you believe they can and will change for you. Been there done that!! Never again!!!
So, last Sunday I got my own apartment and am moving more stuff in tomorrow so this is our last night in his home. Well, today he lashed out bad. But, I got through it.
My friend thinks that all you have to do is show them love and they'll "love you back."
He's so positive all the time, I don't think he has a narcissist in his family.
I'm happy he hasn't needed to face a personal narcissist but his happy rays sunshine are funny. It isn't going to work.
My therapist told me to stay far away from them.
That surprised me. Therapists aren't acting the way they did years ago. They're not trying to get you together with narcissists anymore.
It still feels weird though.
Hey Vicky.
How are you feeling today I hope your day is as bright as your pretty smile today.
I love the awareness. That's what we need.
My therapist said the same about keeping my distance from narcissist sister, neighbor and others showing narcissistic behavior. They aren't willing or capable of change.
@@cassiebrown9786 true, and they can be very dangerous.
It's hard to give them love if the only thing you getting from them is toxicity, criticism, judgment, anger and abuse. It's inevitably going to impact your soul. The best way is to stay away. The only solid advice. The therapist is right. Edit: of course it helps to understand how their own trauma formed their personality. But don't get entangled with them through feeling guilt, too much compassion and love for them. It's a waste of time. Think of your own protection.
Me and my husband have been married for 21yrs . And always thought it was just me that was doing something wrong. But now , I know what is going on here. My husband is actually a narcissist . I try to talk to him about things and he always turns things around saying it's my fault things are the way they are. When we first got married he wasn't like that. I didn't see it coming. He really started when are son was born it 2002.
Maybe he knows full well what he is doing and was waiting for your kid to be born to show his true face so that he would have "tied you" to him on a permanent way.
Or maybe he is jealous of the kid gaining a big part of the attention that, until the birth, was going to him.
Thanks again for posting this video.
you're welcome. Dr. C
Gus looks so peaceful laying on the couch. He's heard it all most of it twice we can learn from him too. Ask him if he cares what narcissists say and I would think he wouldn't raise even one eyelid.
He has found the peace you always wish for us.
Perhaps thats the doggie version of Grey Rock Idk.
I was just thinking what a friendly and cozy place that room is with the scenic cabin and River on the wall the soothing green super soft sofa and pillow and the cuddly golden retriever waiting. If there's one thing this gentleman project it is goodness Goodwill and safety. That makes for one safe and pleasant space.
That dog is adorable
@@myfirstnamemylastname2994
Gus has peace in that place. Inspiring isn't it.
"When reason is an illusion" - exactly
The problem is you don't even need to do something for them to feel injured by you. Just being annoys them if they think you are smarter/prettier/more successful/whatever
My estranged husband is a prime example of what you are talking about. The “straw” for me was when he went bananas over me suggesting we hire a plumber for a very serious plumbing problem. It turned ugly real fast and physical. Done. Trying to get a divorce now. It’s been 18 months.
They can be awful when you are trying to negotiate a settlement. You get to see the fullness of their (non)character. Dr. C
I am so so glad you got away from the freak! Wishing you well in your new life of freedom!
From childhood all the way to adulthood, I can't even begin to remember how many times or people have either lashed out to someone else in front of me or at me for God knows what. Watching videos like this really put me to ease and gives me a much bigger and better self awareness with what and who I deal with.
There is a better way, and I hope you can move in that direction. That's what we do here on Team Healthy! Dr. C
I’ve dealt with this from my husband’s family. I didn’t comply with their demands that I delete an innocuous Facebook post that was none of their business. The three of them called me 65+ times each, for three days in a row. At that point I was permanently done with them.
Hey Beauty.
How are you feeling today I hope your day is as bright as your pretty smile today.
@@jeffreyrossman8661 thank you!! I’m doing well and I hope you are too 😊
@@Beauty-and-the-Dia-betes Yeah, I'm doing great my friend, that's nice hearing from you, It's nice meeting you, it's my pleasure.
Did the Facebook post have anything to do with their family?? Even if it did- calling you that often is harassment. I'm glad you had the fortitude to withstand their onslaught. You're a strong person.
My Toxic mean girl Cousin had ugly temper, alcoholism, raging big mouth AND bulimia but she is a " winner"- she only fools her self.
Had I known all this at the start, I would have been done at hello. “Let’s talk.” They dont do that. Immature. I initiated no contact so they will surely let others know they are a pathetic victim.
What a gem from Heaven! Thank you So Much for this multi-faceted revelation that shores-up my spirit for another great day of forging ahead on the High Road
Thank you so much. Your videos really help and I appreciate you sharing your knowledge.
OMG......Toxic Narc Husband raised in huge Catholic Family extremely harsh controlling father. I'm not sure my narc is capable of love. It has taken 40+ years to finally realize this. He has systematically destroyed me and our sons. And still comes out looking like a rockstar and always surrounds himself with plenty of "flying monkeys" (all collected from his favorite bar) who pump him up daily so when he comes home he is ready to dole out a new evening of SHAME and Loathing.
This was very insightful. Especially the part about when you said the narcissist will say to themselves "why are you hurting me again?"
They ALWAYS blame you! It's all of your fault of what happened wrong around the time they're around you! They're SO AWEFUL I simply call them Satan!
If they ever say that they were hurt around you it's always a 1 up on you that they had it so much WORSE than you & you have NO reason to gripe at all!
This was excellent!!
I love to watch Dr. Carter's newest video every Saturday morning while I eat my breakfast. Its a great way to start the day! Thank you, as always, for your insight, Dr. C! 🙂
And then there is the narcissist who has acquired a sophisticated repertoire of spiritual/emotional lingo. So now it's, "YOU're projecting", or "YOU don't trust ME" or "you don't know how to receive love, you're blocked, you need to learn how to trust people" or "you don't give me the space i need to be vulnerable". A whole other level of manipulative self preservation. But the more you are centered and non reactive the more transparent and powerless these strategies are. All you have to do is show alittle bit of self respect (boundaries and consequences) and they flip out. Dont react to their flipping out at all and watch them turn themselves inside out. So glad I no longer find myself in physical proximity to these people. It only happens through text now and only for as long as it takes for me to recognize what I'm dealing with. Compassion for myself is more important now than compassion for the other.
Recently, I told mine...the BIGGEST mistake I ever made was HIM....and it true
I see Gus engages in soothing behaviours everytime Dr C talks about hidden shame…😂😂😂
Thanks Dr Carter. I understand now there's no point trying to work things out with the narc. I tried that once and came away feeling like I'm the one that has to change. The more kinder and helpful I became the more I got abused and dominated. So I just treat this person like I do a stranger.
I am so thankful for you!!
You're kind, thank you Deborah. Dr. C
PLEASE do NOT make the multiple mistakes I made since I left COVERT & MALIGNANT narc ex husband. Go FULL 💯 NO CONTACT.
You will achieve NOTHING by continued contact.
If you're married wait awhile before you file for a divorce. Go on with your life. Cut off the narcist in EVERY possible way.
You will be SAFER that way.
Agreed. The only way to win with a narcissist is to not play the game = no contact. I am done loving him and feeling sorry for him. My peace and happiness is more important
Yes, I don't deserve verbal abuse. No more.
I'm sorry but I am mesmerized by Gus licking his paws in the background. I love that you bring him with you to work.❤️🐕
He's definitely my good little buddy. Dr. C
I never thought I would meet someone who could relate so well to what I have dealt with for many years and all the pain I have endured from a narcissist. I have told several people in the same boat about you Dr. Carter. Wonderful information. So sad those injured souls don't see what they are doing to those they claim they love.
Thanks for being and encourager and thanks for including me on your journey. Dr. C
Its difficult to anticipate what will injure them, since their fragile ego is so easily hurt. Who can know that asking them to put a new bin liner in the kitchen bin can be taken as a criticism. Talking to them AT ALL is a very treacherous process, as it is impossible to guess how they will react to any verbal exchange. In my current relationship, this is even more perilous as there is no surface reaction, I might only find out weeks later that something upset him, after I find some item of mine broken, or sabotaged. He's very passive aggressive. The element of doubt is what has kept our relationship going so long, but he's blown his cover recently.
The blame and victim mode. That's just what's happened with me. I got all the blame and she played the victim by saying she was only ever trying to be a good friend to me. She listed the "things" that she did for me and said it was my problems that caused all the trouble in our friendship. That's a load of baloney. She's trying to gaslight me as well. Thank you Dr Carter for these videos xx
They take zero accountability. They have no self awareness. And have to be superior and always right. They dont change so leaving is best for me.
My narc lashed out and tried to kill me. These people are dangerous.
A loved one reminded me not to lose my Christian witness.
Even Jesus called the hypocrites , snakes. And it was true, not sin.
So tbh I taught my children no name calling. Yet I have sincerely called the narc jackass hundreds of times over the years.
Question. How sad would the current world be without these videos!
I have had a migraine headache for the last 2 days but it’s better than having a narcissist in my life 😱👍
That's a sad commentary. Hope your headache subsides real soon! Dr. C
A true light on the narcissistic lash out.
"Cooking on the inside". (lol) Shame is absolutely the emotion here. Great analysis of abusive anger. Oh, thank you Dr. Carter. 💯
You're most welcome. Dr. C
It as a scary day when I caused my narc a narcissistic rage!!! I left quickly and went no contact.
Depending on the role a Narcissist plays in your life, meaning their power to do you some actual harm it can be advantageous to dial up the empathy, compassion, and forgiveness towards them. I have found they often respond positively to this approach. Understanding that in some situations this is not going to work when it becomes absolutely necessary to place firm boundaries in an effort to protect yourself from actual harm.
So many complexities in narcissistic family systems, crazy keeps chasing it’s own tail because resolution actually isn’t a goal. I have found a little peace in an unlooked for place. I’ve never been fond of dogs but my wife bought a GSP ‘Ernie’. No matter what sort of day you’ve had Ernie loves you unconditionally, and just wants to be with you. Maybe you let go of unrequited love and be open to wherever it might flow? Otherwise, intellectually I can process the whole 30 year train wreck but can never seem to process it emotionally. Nearly time to just let it go.
@OneOFThese NotLikeTheOther yeeep! You know it
This describes my recent X wife to a tee. The fact we share custody makes it impossible for me to totally grey rock her. She has to be in total control and constantly tries to blame me for anything going wrong in her life or the life of our child. I have held my breath so many times and just take it. I don't want our young child to experience any more than he has to. I feel so bad for him. This lunatic has to be his mother for at least 12 more years.
Prayers for a peaceful resolution 🙏 There's nothing worse than having a child caught in the middle. Been there done that.
@@cassiebrown9786 most appreciated. We must journey forward and live with the bumps along the way.
Dr. Carter, thank you for helping me find strategies and some ways to seek order in the chaos of dealing with multigenerational narcissistic behaviors in too many of the people whom I love. I have been praying for years for healing and peace. Learning from you that no amount of love and empathy can fix their brokenness has freed me to begin to establish boundaries and to a live as myself. I am so exhausted from years putting out fires and making excuses for rude behavior and repairing their damage.
Even as you wish good for others, you still have to take the initiative to practice self care. #TeamHealthy. Dr. C
Dr. C., your videos are incredibly effective genuine transforming therapy.
So pleased! Thanks for letting me join you on the path. Dr. C
I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH.
I’m learning and learning and learning AND… it’s actually helping my sorrow.. helping me to BE ME… Be free
I'm currently on the receiving end of this bullying and scapegoating mentality, at work, gather their flying monkeys for further abuse.
Quit today! The abuse will NEVER change. Staying longer at that job equals higher stress and lower self-esteem, guaranteed.
To salvage your mental health, QUIT immediately. There are a lot of jobs out there these days due to the shortages. The people there obviously want you gone and they will never change and will keep it up until they succeed. Find another job first (making certain to VET the bosses and employees there so that you don't end up in the same situation)
@@EphemeralProductions I'm discerning a bit of this, as I was telling my pops they are at the point of sabotaging my time logging and work accountability on the digital system, where it would show that I've nothing logged for the entire day yet I've been working all day. They are very low people even production manager, mostly because lack of control and the things that I do or say come to fruition or bore fruit showing them up as I sense, I only want to be good at my job and make positive contributions.
By God’s divine intervention, this video popped up in my YT feed today! For years my husband & I have been trying to deal with my now elderly mother’s personality problems, but only last week I read an article about narcissism related to something else & realized that was her to a T!!! Watershed moment! And now today I discovered your channel. Praise God! I can’t wait to delve into your other videos to learn how I can continue to care for her without losing my mind. God bless you, sir!
The paranoia is a big tell. I recently had a supervisor who thought our director was out to 'get' him. I spent a lot of time trying to reassure him before realizing he was redirecting his paranoia onto ME. That's when I realized there was no way to have a rational discussion with him and I had to leave the job.
It’s so hard when you have a child with that person too
Quite difficult. Dr. C
He was always asking "Who's in charge?" I quickly learned to respond, "Who do YOU think is in charge?" and just agree with his answer, because obviously it's just words that don't change the reality.
Great response! Dr. C
Maintain your good character. Set boundaries for yourself, not them. Thank you.
I left my ex narc many months ago
The police had to get involved
I didn't want it that way, but he wouldn't leave me alone.
I feel sorry for anybody who is a narciccist, they are just sad and pathetic.
They need help, I thought I could help him, but no, he only destroyed me. But I'm very aware now and understand these kind of people.
Love should never be hard, but easy and smooth. Respect and civility and equality should be normal, but never with a narccistist. God help these sad people, that's all they are, is sad and insecure.
Much respect to u Dr, for educating us.
It explains much. Self-centeredness encompasses a multitude of wrongs and creates a multitude of pain for self as well as for others.
This channel is like the red pill...once you see the dynamic for what it is, you can never un-see it. It's been 11 years since I divorced my narcissist, but he's still the father of my children, now teenagers, and when they have to cope with his behavior, I use these videos to help them understand in a way that isn't coming from me. I've also sent these videos to friends when they describe their relationship dynamic in a way that I find creepily familiar.
You are a good friend !
This has been the most helpful video. Compassionate non-engagement.
Thank you for all the videos! Dealing with narcissism at the workplace and at home. Ugh! At least we have this knowledge though. Once you hear this, everything about them starts to make sense
Excellent advise, I just love these podcasts because they are so informative. Injured soul is the most perfect description of the covert narc in my life.
So pleased, Kathleen. Dr. C
The last time I had any sort of "social contact" with my older sister was in the walmart. This was over 2 years ago. She was in the shoe aisle talking to someone. I saw her, and I called out: "HEY SIS"! I GOT THE DIRTIEST/MOST/EVIL/LOOK from her! She didn't say a WORD TO ME! She turned around and walked away going down the main aisle to the other side of the store.
My elderly mother was trying to reconciliate with me in the last few years of her life. I GOT CUT OFF! Obviously my sister was behind all of this! My mother "passed" 3months ago. She died in a nursing home and I was never notified of this situation! THIS IS ALL ABOUT WHAT WAS LEFT of my parent's money! She is very well off financially in comparison to me. Lesson is that people who have more, WANT MORE AND MORE AND MORE! Now I'm waiting to receive this small inheritance that by all indication my mother wanted me to have, yes it is $$$$, not a king's fortune. For someone in my financial situation, QUITE A BIT much more than I HAVE! I'm retired and living on a VERY MODEST income. My mother knew of my humble status, and sympathized with me. My sister views me as a "drain on the resources", so I am an outcast! I pray for her, that GOD would change her heart/mind and she would see the error of her sinful stingy greedy ways. Biggest favor she has ever done for me: SHE STAYS AWAY! Given the death of my mother, and since the funeral director came to my house to notify me, also needed my signature on a document for my mom, as she wanted to be cremated. As I write this, no funeral, no "memorial service" of any sort. My mother was NOT religious, and I pray that she got RIGHT WITH JESUS before she passed.
☹️ there’s just no answer to them. They won’t give you happiness, you can’t hug it out of them, there won’t be any commitment. Nothing will ever make sense on an emotional level. All I can think is that absence might help you stop feeling them
Sounds exactly like my story, but my elderly mom is still living. Never in a million years would I have thought it would have played out like this, but I have come to a place of radical acceptance. Praying for peace in your life Mark.
Mark, I believe you wrote my story. Narcissist, greedy sister that didn't notify me of our mother dying in a nursing home. Then turned around and told everyone I didn't love our mother. She stole from mom, but to make matters worse, she stole our mother's dignity. Crazy shit for sure.
This definitely helps me to empathise with the narcissist's experience. But it also helps me to understand better how I can and must stay outside of their games.
Dr. C, I noticed while watching this video only a few days posted, that you dog Gus was licking his front paws which can indicate an ear infection. Love you both and want your healthy best.
Yes, being a terrier mutt, that is a vulnerability. He has a good vet and takes meds, but as you can see, he's still susceptible. Thanks for your concern. D. C
Awwww what a cute pup in the background lol
Thanks for the video..... I'm dealing with more than one. Ugggh I'm worn out from the drama! I'm moving far away from them. I feel sad about losing the relationship with my sister and other family members.... but I will not be sucked into all the BS drama..... I like my peace. I had to learn about and set healthy boundries . After a LOT of self help n growth , I can recognize unhealthy folks and relationships more easily
And it sure has been an eye opener
Even in how I have played a part in the sickness of it all..... life is SHORT and nothing is worth living this ABUSIVE HELL. I MOVE ON
No matter what it takes.
Sad though.... in how high the price of peace can be. 😔
Just happened. I'm so tired.
I had to go NO Contact 42 years ago with my Narcissistic mother and enabling father. My brother did the same about four years ago. He gave up being the only communicating child and getting nothing in return. The stress caused him to have a stroke (short-term memory loss and no paralysis thank God), but he needed one year of therapy and has not been the same since then. Most of his memories have returned. His wife helped him with her support and my parents were clueless.
Thank you. The toxicity of these relationships I believe does manifest in such toxic health catastrophes. I always knew there was something very wrong with my family. I knew nothing about narcissm until they almost brought me to suicide. She had a massive stroke at 51 and he had a serious heart attack at 54 - makes total sense now. They have not changed mentally through this at all. Can you believe that!
I can either concentrate on the reason for my mother’s narcissistic behavior or save myself. At this point I literally can no longer be objective with her reasons…I just want to survive her abuse and get away from her. She will never change! It’s only getting worse. The only way out is to shut the door on her or simply put not give a damn anymore about her.
I agree with everything you said They're damaged. I've been putting up with my narcissist neighbor for 3 years 3 and 1/2 years actually. Pretty much I've been taking it and taking it and taking it hoping he would just burn himself out. This past week I dare to move my car 8 in forward so I could put some boxes in the back of it and he came out and he pushed my car with his rear end and then yelled out loud it's about to get ugly. He just crossed my boundary line so I went to the police turns out he's got a lot of family in the area and I was actually told by the police that they don't want to talk to him because he's just going to get nastier with me basically I got told keep your mouth shut. The police officer said he pushed the car and yes it's wrong but I understand that if they go over and talk to him the behavior is going to escalate because they really can't do anything about it. Society has given these people a free pass to be bullies this is what we have now a bunch of bullies running amok and you can't avoid them I literally am in my house almost on a 24-hour day basis to avoid this guy. You give a lot of wisdom and I agree with everything you say but the reality is there's almost nothing you can do about it I have no money to move my husband died I didn't hit the lottery every dime I had went to his care. I'm stuck and I've got a narcissist who understands the police are afraid of him. That's the only way I can interpret it.
Maybe get a mace spray or taser the next time he steps on your property and touches your belongings. You can say you felt physically threatened if he was yelling and pushing. I hope you have a camera for proof. We have a neighbor that gets away with horrible behavior all up and down the street. The police know and do nothing. I think they consider him a nuisance but don't take it seriously. He's had drugs and prostitutes on his property. He has teen boys that hang around him even though he's in his 60's. His girlfriend took a pic and called them the town mafia because they run around looking for trouble and causing mischief. They love to block the road in front of their property to obstruct people from passing. He times it when he knows certain people are passing. He doesn't have a job so makes s supreme effort to learn everyone's schedule so he's aware of when his intended target/s have to go by to get home after a long day at work. He constantly goes up and down people's driveway for no reason to intimidate. He's run over or poisoned several dogs. One neighbor has spent thousands going to court against him over the years over a property dispute. He kept trying to appropriate about 10 feet over the legal survey on their side. Now he's said the same about us and we're completely across the street! I could go on. He's not just a nuisance. He's evil. I pray God deals with him.
There are SO many narcs out there now; they are ALL around. It's pretty much impossible to keep away from them entirely. We are surrounded by them all around us when we walk out onto the street. It's just gotten worse and worse over the years and may get worse yet.
Moe Banshee:
Sue the f__king police department and your bat-shit crazy neighbor. If the cops cannot put the brakes on an imbecilic ass-hole such as your neighbor, they're no more than good-for-nothing bums on the taxpayers' payroll and they and your neighbor should be sued for actual, punitive and exemplary damages.
You could also post this BS on social media, in the local newspapers, on utility poles around the neighborhood and form a one-person picket line in front of the bastard's house and, if you can get a permit, in front of the police station.
You might also contact an attorney to file a cease and desist application with the court and a possible writ of mandamus against the police department. If all else fails, sue all of the bastards.
Get out anyway. There are groups that can help you get on your feet.
I'm in a similar situation; I'm already ill, and have had to be medicated for severe stress, due to the madness of neighbors; reading your situation, makes me feel less alone; I thought Ithat I had become a big baby; I was so terrified to go outside too, but turned that around and make myself visible, and just ignore the old fool; I'm trying to find a suitable house, move, but it's difficult; Good luck to you; Try support groups, and there are agencies who may help finance your move too!
Move away from the crazy place!
Cute puppers licking his paw
This describes someone I have known socially for years. One day they wanted to talk about science with me(I have a science degree). Well it soon turned out that they felt that by reading a few blogs, they assumed they knew more than I did about science. I carefully tried to explain the facts of the science, but that just made them angrier. Apparently, I failed to understand how brilliant they thought they were, They soon devolved into insults and threats, That science conversation ended over 5 years ago yet they continue to insult me online.
Haha text book case
Jealousy of your womanhood, your pretty. 🎭✝️
Wow. This helps a lot…realizing that they are hurt and that’s why they lash out. The broken arm analogy makes sense.
SOOOO HELPFUL!!!
SPOT ON! Wow! This explains so many terrifying moments that absolutely do defy logic!
Thank you for your videos!! ☀️♥️☀️
Lynyl Cullen,You look gorgeous 🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
My older sister (was 3 of us now only 2) has stop talking to me because her slandering and lies has gotten out of hand and all the family and her friends told her to stop communicating with me and now the only person she really felt safe with has to stay out of her life, (I will feel peace over time)!. But all the wolves are at her door now. She let them in and threw me out.
Lifesaver as I wade into the unknown territory of radical acceptance for the 70 year old covert or vulnerable narcissist in my life 🙏