"Your brain cannot detach how they left from who they are." I struggle with this one A LOT. It takes some serious mistreatment for it to finally click in my mind and in my heart that the person someone appeared to be at the beginning of a relationship is NOT actually who they are 😓
@@TransformwithNadia OH yep this part can be epic but you have to keep surging forward and remember well 'that actually really is -who they are when the mask came off
Omg, left a 5 year relationship and engagement dealing with that. We never had a serious conversation about anything. I was always either blamed or avoided.. I'm healing from anxiety now as we speak. Also from much other things.
Kerp healing you will be very proud of yourself and never look back. I been 7 months only and it destroyed my gut health, my intimate health and mental health. When he left my body started healing and I was like "that's why" so those people are extremely toxic for anxious fellas. I'm healing now and I wish you all the best🍀
About to leave a 7 year marriage & 12 year relationship. Their lack of self awareness os what scares me the most. A person that has nothing to lose is very dangerous.
9 years wasted on an avoidant. Never again. Ive never felt such shame, sadness, emptiness, anger and regret. I will not allow him in this time. Im choosing myself, finally. He can live with the regret of losing me. I dont care anymore. Soul crushing.
I saw this and didn’t want to watch it because I’m trying to avoid attachment style content so I don’t think of them but I’m happy i watched it. This is EXACTLY how it feels and you’re so right. Wow. That disconnect is extremely real!!! May I never encounter an avoidant romantically ever again!
He's DA. I'm AF. When he pulls away. I do inner work on my anxiety. Which led to stop pouring into him and choosing me, first. I now accept him for who he is, a bag of nerves. I'm now almost done completing my book. I keep it moving. He either jumps on my train or gets left behind.
This is me. I have been married 23 yrs and together 30. It took me a long time to heal. Sometimes I’m triggered but I have a grip on it overall. I’m still in therapy.
@@kenyadaposey3907 Amen!!!! Blocked and deleted mine yesterday. It's ganna be a rough journey but we can do this. I had to delete his pictures too 🥺🥺 But we deserve better and can pray for their healing. 🥰💜
I’m able to break ties quickly because I already know the push and pull dynamic. You get nothing and it’s psychological. I’m a stone cold Virgo and I don’t care how much I care about you. If you’re giving me nothing I’m walking.
Ladies it is not our job to counsel anyone unless you can do billable services. I was in a same position and it was three years off and on. I dismissed myself learning about myself😊
I'm a avoident attachment and I will leave a relationship, friendship, family, and jobs as soon as they get to chaotic or dramatic for me and I don't attachment to anyone or anything. I was raised by my father.
Churrrch!!! This was just what I needed to hear. I have been having trouble disconnecting, and now I understand why and how to move forward. Thanks, Dr. Zeb
She doesn’t need to be a dude to use her logic. She just needs to come to the realization that he wasn’t the person he presented. Her emotions and logic need to align on that fact. The most freeing thing I’ve ever experienced was seeing and accepting people for exactly who they are. But my head and heart had to reach it together, not necessarily at the same time but they had to come together.
Damn, this video makes me feel less than human. I'm a DA. Somebody in the comments said avoidants are unlovable. I'm not a bad person, we all have struggles.
I feel like watching these things if you are truly a da will only help you be more self aware though. So it's probably good you're willing to watch stuff like this & learn. You're right everyone has their issues & you have the power to work on them.
My last relationship almost destroyed me. He’s an avoidant and I was an attached person. I worked on myself and it was a rough 4yrs to get away from him after our initial breakup
It's very difficult to have any sort of relationship, be it romantic, family or friendship, when they are dismissive, avoidant, or narcissistic, which, in my opinion, are very much alike in both traits and actions. I was raised by a golden child narc mother, have a covert narc dad (they are divorced), every sibling is narcissistic, and exes are avoidant/narc. I (thought) I was comfortable in chaos in my younger years, tried to love and be patient, understanding, etc. Until it became too much, it was coming from too many angles, and I finally said in my 50s, enough is enough. I was sacrificing my peace for the artificial happiness of everyone else, and I needed to work on me, set boundaries, and learn how to love these people from a far. But when their love in unconditional and transactional. I get pushback, silent treatments, and treated as the bad guy.
Churrrch! THIS sounds exactly like my son. Me, his dad and sister have STRUGGLED to understand why he treats us this way. He's a HORRIBLE communicator. I feel so sorry for his current girlfriend, I told her I love my son, but toxic behavior is never acceptable and she should leave him alone. Unfortunately (and fortunately) she's 4 months pregnant. I'm excited for my 1st grandchild but sad for this young lady.
I can be a dismissive avoidant depending on the circumstance. When you said, “They are runners especially when things feel chaotic,” I then have to ask, “Who wants to be around chaos, though?” Especially when the trust was broken by the other person. And many people even if you bring up issues will want to gaslight you over said issues. I’d take 🏃♀ any day over broken trust and someone trying to cling onto me and trying to trap/confine me to that chaos. Peace over chaos any day.
I think he’s referring to Chaos for most people as the growing pains of the relationship…not actual wrong doings to a person…you leaving after being done wrong is a boundary you put in the place of the person’s actions…you communicating is you exercising your communication though it shouldn’t change for future relationships ,how the person gives it back to you..validate,deny,gaslight etc is how they feel about the relationship dynamic and the respect they have for you and that is the way it seals the end of the friendship if you let them back in your going against your own boundaries and invite them to repeat the behavior…I learned this the hard way lol❤
After dealing with a horrible avoidant for years, my anxious self turned into an anxious/avoidant, or rather, a disorganized attachment style. I am slowly healing and recovering.
CHURRRCH with a side of CHURRRCH you hear me? 😂 The timing of this is nothing but God. I'm very thankful for the way this was articulated and the right messenger was selected. ❤ Thank you so much
Wow, that sounds so familiar. I was almost wondering if they were so off and on, because he spends his off time with me.😂😂😂 I know that it's not funny to experience this type of abuse of emotions, but I couldn't believe how familiar it sounded. Thankfully, after this last off period, I closed the door. I have been working on myself in pursuit of my own healing, self-discovery, and unrepeated cycles. I thank you for sharing this. I need it!
Thank you for these simplified explanations of human behavior to help us see the Forrest through the tree's as a black woman healing from wreckage I appreciate you!❤
Thank you … it was so true …he ven wants to married me when HE feels comfortable…but I think he wasn’t to married with anyone who makes him feel comfortable…is not because he loves me…he loves the ENERGY he’s talking from me. They have similarities with narcissistic people…they are + energy predators…they return WORDS and conditioning promises that depend on ME to materialize it. If fails he makes seems like it would be MY fault.
I'm a person that prioritizes growth, onward progress, and transformation. I recently had a major milestone birthday and it seems that the Universe/God is going to some pretty peculiar lengths to show me how much I've grown which includes finding old journals and this video. Realizing that I've grown/healed from an "anxious" attachment style to a "secure" one all because I simply wanted to be a better person is beyond amazing. ❤
Same here. I just found out that i was an avoidant not too long ago. I never meant to cause harm to anyone, my ways just felt safe to me. Looking to grow and change as well.
Are there other forms of "running"? Such as, holing up in their room and staring at their phone while leaving their spouse to raise the children alone (among many other responsibilities they're left alone to tackle)?
Look literally dated a therapist who was this organized attachment. I myself am a recovering, anxious leaning more secure these days. I gave it a shot because he was a therapist, but as soon as I started seeing the cycles and patterns knowing that he was aware of what he was doing after 3 conversations I had to literally. Peace out, I mean, go fades black, because I saw how he could literally destroy me and pull me so back into my anxious attachment. It takes so long to get over relationships with these types of emotional attachment styles.
Churrrch! OMG! This has been my relationship with a man I’ve been with for two years now! I so needed to hear this on time explanation. This relationship has been up and down pretty much since day one and I’m ready to get off the roller coaster. I thank God for you! (I’m in tears) I finally understand the kind of man I’ve been dealing with. This is an eye-opener for me and it gives me the strength to let the relationship go. 🤗🙏🏾🙌🏾
Thank you Dr. ZEB, I was just aware of this on my spiritual fast and hearing you explaining it the way you just did, confirmed that I am on the right track to wholeness again. I thank God for your channel, You are Amazing🫶🏾
CHURRRCH!! Thank you so much! I really needed this confirmation. I always thought it was me... even with all the signs! I know I have a ways to go on my healing journey, but this gave me clarity and confirmation!!! Thank you for allowing God to use you! I pray you are forever blessed!!!
This makes the most sense and validates what my husband and his mom has been saying is all in my head for the last 17 yrs and starting over and healing from that Dismissive Avoidant Behavior from him is the hardest thing that I am having to do right now. My kids deserve better. I deserve better. I am crying like wow 😢
But often they will just shut down & withdraw instead of running. They will even withhold affection, attention, sex etc to punish you for making him uncomfortable by “making” them feel criticized/shame by asking for something
Shutting down and withdrawal are still running. Just energetically, mentally, emotionally instead of physically. But you are talking about narcissistic traits not dismissive attachments
@ The classic DA shutdown & withdrawal are an avoidant strategy highly common DA behavior. In fact the DA is pervasively shut down to varying degrees and sharply shuts down & withdraws any time they feel criticized or overwhelmed in any way. The DA usually has a high amount of narcissistic traits & behavior’s with one significant difference being that they do not derive pleasure from causing other’s pain & anguish. In fact heavy shame kicks in each time they feel that they have because subconsciously they believe they will always let people down and that they are fundamentally flawed aka the “I Am defective” core wound. Although a DA will usually not divulge how they really feel and Passive aggressive behavior is also very common among DA’s. These things are all very evident in my practice and was clearly outlined in the training I did under Thais Gibson in the Integrated Attachment Theory Relationship Coaching Certification training program.
Omg!! I had to do this EXACT THING. #become a healed version of a man.. healed men let go so smoothly and the usually level all the way up from there. The other party always regrets messing up with a good healed man, and he can politely tilt his head, shrug, and move on in the most beautiful way😊.. I became "that ninja" 😂
ChuRRRch..ChuRRRch..ChuRRRch.. Separating what "few moments of pleasure" from inconsistent communication and lack of communication/connection. Thank you Doc Z! 💯
CHUUURCH!!!" "In your brain you can't seperate all the sweet things he said to you from all of the piss pour ways he treated you" Your mind has to let go of who you thought he was" YES😪
Right! I'm anxiously attached, and I know I can be terribly controlling, needy, and emotionally erratic because I overthink. 20 years of therapy, and I still have a lot of trouble with anxiety at the beginning and codependency throughout until it crashes and burns. Apparently, I've only dated avoidants and narcissists, which greatly rooted my childhood abandonment issues. This was helpful. Definitely want to see a video on the toxic traits. ❤
Churrrh … thank you wow just answered why I can’t let go of husband after 15 years … now I see and can heal and leave like he does often - set me Free - thank you ❤ ❤ ❤
I just honestly think he's found someone else he's interested in. It's not like him to avoid me, I keep asking if we're fine, this doesn't feel fine. Even the way he's communicating tells me I'm not worth his time. I have needs here. I never thought he'd hurt me like this. 😭😭😭💔
Churrrch!!! This content helps so much. I went through what was spoken on and I did the chasing until I paused to help regulate my own emotions and do some self reflection on the behaviors displayed by both. I can relate to disorganized attachment but I’m working towards secure attachment. If the DA is not working on themselves to notice their behavior they see it as being themselves. They see nothing wrong with it. The same goes for an anxious. It’s a way of being. However when you strive to be secure you’ll notice unhealthy behaviors. It’s what helped me to detach and protect my peace (nervous system n digestive system) I accept this behavior is a byproduct of what was shown. It is a way of being for this person and set boundaries for myself because I understand now that that behavior doesn’t work or help me. I value consistency, communication, comprehension, transparency, and accountability. DA’s are not bad people, the behavior is the challenge, especially when it goes unnoticed or worked on. Loved the cat analogy btw. When you accept things and don’t force it you’ll be better off. I love the DA n cat immensely but the behavior is what triggers me so I work on me to not let those behaviors change me from being better and doing better. Another good analogy is the show “Sheldon”
This was my ex he’s 50 years old but his bedroom looked like a little kids room clutter clothes everywhere unmade bed but he function well in that chaos and he has daddy issues it was too much to handle i ghosted him and never looked back..
I loved this. She needs to be a healhty woman, not a healthy dude. We all posses masculine and feminine energy. She needs to move from her wounded feminine energy into a healthy one.
God Bless, it’s been a year. I still struggle and wonder if it was me. This helped, I think mostly because he said I was the one self sabotaging when I was leaning in to resolve issues
That’s funny about the rollercoaster I felt very sick with mine I remember even seeing him the vomiting emoji because that’s how I felt and what did he do , be disrespectful and threaten to block me rather than ask me why I felt that why .. he knew why 🤯Churrrch!
Whats it called when everytime, in any relationship, as soon as you FEEL the care from the other person (who did NOTHING wrong) you really dont even want to be around them, literally sick to your stomach? And when it becomes so strong you just cut ties even with family. It seems more than just a fear of intimacy.... 🤔 Im working on understanding whats going so i can fix myself or at least to cope enough to actually have a consistent relationship somewhere in my future. Feeling lost
From your comments there isn’t enough information to “diagnose” you. Seek out a therapist. He’s a therapist. Only someone with enough information and can dig into your childhood and connect dots, you can’t connect them because you’re going through it. You have stated that you can’t maintain relationships… this could be rooted in the relationship with your parents or caregivers. Another angle…. Untreated and undiagnosed mental disorders. It could be a combined factor. For me I avoid ppl a lot, even family, just seeing my phone rings is nerve racking most days… this is a combination of me not having a consistent relationship with either parent, and untreated ADHD. My social meter is very short. Ppl, noise, light… I’m sensitive to it all… so my coping mechanism is to be alone. Isolate. The only plus side in that is I’m an only child… so it’s natural to be alone.
Same here. But it goes deeper than that lately. Don't want to put labels on anyone but omg! I too aren't doing so well detaching either. 10 years and I feel like I'm the mirror of my parents 😢. Something I've always told myself if never be or tolerate but hear I am 10 years in and struggling to let go fully. I can go no contact but the love I feel never shuts off. He doesn't have an issue letting go most times but always come back smh. I have no clue what to do but keep praying and pushing for full healing but it's not going over well. I know I've made little changes but this emotion of "love" will not shut off 😭
Oh my gosh… I’ve been praying for insight and understanding of what I’ve been through these last 3 years…. 😢 and that after 23 years of marriage to a covert narcissist. Feels like I’ve been broken beyond repair… but at least I understand what’s happened to me over the past 3 years. Have no idea how I’m going to heal from it all. Only with the Lord’s help….
As much as you feel despair and hopeless. There is help. There are things you can do to recover. You’re obviously traumatized. You should start with therapy.
I feel like I need to let him go. I know I'm putting expectations on a relationship that's doomed. Life had other plans for me. I wanted so badly to make this work, I guess I gave it my best try. I think it'll only get worse from here. Maybe God has someone else in mind. 🥺💔
AI is something else! I was on my phone talking about an associate who displays RUNNING behavior. Low and behold, this video appears on my algorithm. Interesting! Thanks for sharing this.
Yea. I am ending a relationship like this with a man I know. It is painful, it hurts, I really love him. I do. At the same time I know me and him are not for each other. I can be his friend or someone that checks on each other maybe, but anything else, I’m done. He needs someone that can help him heal.
"Your brain cannot detach how they left from who they are." I struggle with this one A LOT. It takes some serious mistreatment for it to finally click in my mind and in my heart that the person someone appeared to be at the beginning of a relationship is NOT actually who they are 😓
Agreed
@@TransformwithNadia OH yep this part can be epic but you have to keep surging forward and remember well 'that actually really is -who they are when the mask came off
"Let go of who you thought he was." This.❤🙏🏾
Yassssss❤🎉
@@ajordan1847 💯
“He lacks stability and self awareness “
Omg, left a 5 year relationship and engagement dealing with that. We never had a serious conversation about anything. I was always either blamed or avoided.. I'm healing from anxiety now as we speak. Also from much other things.
I just left a 4 year relationship, I was hard on myself for not recognizing his attachment issues earlier. You will heal sis ❤❤ so will I.
Kerp healing you will be very proud of yourself and never look back. I been 7 months only and it destroyed my gut health, my intimate health and mental health. When he left my body started healing and I was like "that's why" so those people are extremely toxic for anxious fellas. I'm healing now and I wish you all the best🍀
About to leave a 7 year marriage & 12 year relationship.
Their lack of self awareness os what scares me the most.
A person that has nothing to lose is very dangerous.
Walk away!
Learn to be alone. It's ok to be in peace and to be alone for the sake of peace.❤
9 years wasted on an avoidant. Never again. Ive never felt such shame, sadness, emptiness, anger and regret. I will not allow him in this time. Im choosing myself, finally. He can live with the regret of losing me. I dont care anymore. Soul crushing.
I saw this and didn’t want to watch it because I’m trying to avoid attachment style content so I don’t think of them but I’m happy i watched it. This is EXACTLY how it feels and you’re so right. Wow. That disconnect is extremely real!!!
May I never encounter an avoidant romantically ever again!
I felt every single bit of this woman’s pain.
He's DA. I'm AF. When he pulls away. I do inner work on my anxiety. Which led to stop pouring into him and choosing me, first. I now accept him for who he is, a bag of nerves. I'm now almost done completing my book. I keep it moving. He either jumps on my train or gets left behind.
A bag of nerves is so deep.. WHEW!!! Lawd that just got me. I'm happy for your healing ❤
This is me. I have been married 23 yrs and together 30. It took me a long time to heal. Sometimes I’m triggered but I have a grip on it overall. I’m still in therapy.
@chakydd girlll my avoidant is the same way. I won this weekend
@@kenyadaposey3907 Amen!!!! Blocked and deleted mine yesterday. It's ganna be a rough journey but we can do this. I had to delete his pictures too 🥺🥺 But we deserve better and can pray for their healing. 🥰💜
Why do some people who had his same anxious childhood background stay stable in a relationship -dont run but this man (avoidant) situation he couldn't
I’m able to break ties quickly because I already know the push and pull dynamic. You get nothing and it’s psychological. I’m a stone cold Virgo and I don’t care how much I care about you. If you’re giving me nothing I’m walking.
Ladies it is not our job to counsel anyone unless you can do billable services. I was in a same position and it was three years off and on. I dismissed myself learning about myself😊
I'm a avoident attachment and I will leave a relationship, friendship, family, and jobs as soon as they get to chaotic or dramatic for me and I don't attachment to anyone or anything. I was raised by my father.
Churrrch!!! This was just what I needed to hear. I have been having trouble disconnecting, and now I understand why and how to move forward. Thanks, Dr. Zeb
She doesn’t need to be a dude to use her logic. She just needs to come to the realization that he wasn’t the person he presented. Her emotions and logic need to align on that fact. The most freeing thing I’ve ever experienced was seeing and accepting people for exactly who they are. But my head and heart had to reach it together, not necessarily at the same time but they had to come together.
Exactly
Damn, this video makes me feel less than human. I'm a DA. Somebody in the comments said avoidants are unlovable. I'm not a bad person, we all have struggles.
I feel like watching these things if you are truly a da will only help you be more self aware though. So it's probably good you're willing to watch stuff like this & learn. You're right everyone has their issues & you have the power to work on them.
Churrrch! Preach! It's mind-boggling when you have your first relationship with a DA.... thank you for breaking it down. Grateful for your wisdom.
My last relationship almost destroyed me. He’s an avoidant and I was an attached person. I worked on myself and it was a rough 4yrs to get away from him after our initial breakup
It's very difficult to have any sort of relationship, be it romantic, family or friendship, when they are dismissive, avoidant, or narcissistic, which, in my opinion, are very much alike in both traits and actions.
I was raised by a golden child narc mother, have a covert narc dad (they are divorced), every sibling is narcissistic, and exes are avoidant/narc. I (thought) I was comfortable in chaos in my younger years, tried to love and be patient, understanding, etc. Until it became too much, it was coming from too many angles, and I finally said in my 50s, enough is enough. I was sacrificing my peace for the artificial happiness of everyone else, and I needed to work on me, set boundaries, and learn how to love these people from a far. But when their love in unconditional and transactional. I get pushback, silent treatments, and treated as the bad guy.
Thanks for sharing.
Very insightful
Churrrch! THIS sounds exactly like my son. Me, his dad and sister have STRUGGLED to understand why he treats us this way. He's a HORRIBLE communicator. I feel so sorry for his current girlfriend, I told her I love my son, but toxic behavior is never acceptable and she should leave him alone. Unfortunately (and fortunately) she's 4 months pregnant. I'm excited for my 1st grandchild but sad for this young lady.
I can be a dismissive avoidant depending on the circumstance. When you said, “They are runners especially when things feel chaotic,” I then have to ask, “Who wants to be around chaos, though?” Especially when the trust was broken by the other person. And many people even if you bring up issues will want to gaslight you over said issues. I’d take 🏃♀ any day over broken trust and someone trying to cling onto me and trying to trap/confine me to that chaos. Peace over chaos any day.
I think he’s referring to Chaos for most people as the growing pains of the relationship…not actual wrong doings to a person…you leaving after being done wrong is a boundary you put in the place of the person’s actions…you communicating is you exercising your communication though it shouldn’t change for future relationships ,how the person gives it back to you..validate,deny,gaslight etc is how they feel about the relationship dynamic and the respect they have for you and that is the way it seals the end of the friendship if you let them back in your going against your own boundaries and invite them to repeat the behavior…I learned this the hard way lol❤
Boundaries are different than avoiding.. you aviod doing your homework but you dont put a boundary up with doing your homework.
@@mommafoxxdiaries6509🎉well put sis
@@SheenaBerry-g5c agreed avoidance isnt necessary…if a conversation can be had the next segment is acceptance.❤️
Churrrch. You deserve THERAPIST OF THE YR AWARD!!!!!
After dealing with a horrible avoidant for years, my anxious self turned into an anxious/avoidant, or rather, a disorganized attachment style. I am slowly healing and recovering.
CHURRRCH with a side of CHURRRCH you hear me? 😂 The timing of this is nothing but God. I'm very thankful for the way this was articulated and the right messenger was selected. ❤ Thank you so much
When I say… you know how to get these relationship issues in check… Believe me… I will never forget what you told me! Blessings to you!
Thank you! When you’ve e been doing the dance so long it’s hard to trust a new step. But a new step is possible.
Wow, that sounds so familiar. I was almost wondering if they were so off and on, because he spends his off time with me.😂😂😂
I know that it's not funny to experience this type of abuse of emotions, but I couldn't believe how familiar it sounded. Thankfully, after this last off period, I closed the door. I have been working on myself in pursuit of my own healing, self-discovery, and unrepeated cycles. I thank you for sharing this. I need it!
CHURRRCH!!! It would take a Brother to break it up so clearly and concisely!!! This is no money and no time wasted therapy!!!! ❤Thank you!
Thank you for these simplified explanations of human behavior to help us see the Forrest through the tree's as a black woman healing from wreckage I appreciate you!❤
Excellent. You summarized 2 years of my life. 😢
Thank you … it was so true …he ven wants to married me when HE feels comfortable…but I think he wasn’t to married with anyone who makes him feel comfortable…is not because he loves me…he loves the ENERGY he’s talking from me. They have similarities with narcissistic people…they are + energy predators…they return WORDS and conditioning promises that depend on ME to materialize it. If fails he makes seems
like it would be MY fault.
Great insight and great advise! RUN .. RUN as fast as you can .. I agree with you totally! Avoidant is unlovable!
I'm a person that prioritizes growth, onward progress, and transformation. I recently had a major milestone birthday and it seems that the Universe/God is going to some pretty peculiar lengths to show me how much I've grown which includes finding old journals and this video. Realizing that I've grown/healed from an "anxious" attachment style to a "secure" one all because I simply wanted to be a better person is beyond amazing. ❤
💜
Same here. I just found out that i was an avoidant not too long ago. I never meant to cause harm to anyone, my ways just felt safe to me. Looking to grow and change as well.
Are there other forms of "running"? Such as, holing up in their room and staring at their phone while leaving their spouse to raise the children alone (among many other responsibilities they're left alone to tackle)?
CHURRRCHH you broke this down flawlessly
Look literally dated a therapist who was this organized attachment. I myself am a recovering, anxious leaning more secure these days. I gave it a shot because he was a therapist, but as soon as I started seeing the cycles and patterns knowing that he was aware of what he was doing after 3 conversations I had to literally. Peace out, I mean, go fades black, because I saw how he could literally destroy me and pull me so back into my anxious attachment. It takes so long to get over relationships with these types of emotional attachment styles.
You’re an amazing orator.
I have watched many videos on this topic, but your description is so clear to understand. Thank you.
Churrrch! OMG! This has been my relationship with a man I’ve been with for two years now! I so needed to hear this on time explanation. This relationship has been up and down pretty much since day one and I’m ready to get off the roller coaster. I thank God for you! (I’m in tears) I finally understand the kind of man I’ve been dealing with. This is an eye-opener for me and it gives me the strength to let the relationship go. 🤗🙏🏾🙌🏾
Thank you Dr. ZEB, I was just aware of this on my spiritual fast and hearing you explaining it the way you just did, confirmed that I am on the right track to wholeness again. I thank God for your channel, You are Amazing🫶🏾
I love the way you explained your clients situation and your conversation with her. It was entertaining and I learned a lot.
CHURRRCH!! Thank you so much! I really needed this confirmation. I always thought it was me... even with all the signs! I know I have a ways to go on my healing journey, but this gave me clarity and confirmation!!! Thank you for allowing God to use you! I pray you are forever blessed!!!
This makes the most sense and validates what my husband and his mom has been saying is all in my head for the last 17 yrs and starting over and healing from that Dismissive Avoidant Behavior from him is the hardest thing that I am having to do right now. My kids deserve better. I deserve better. I am crying like wow 😢
But often they will just shut down & withdraw instead of running. They will even withhold affection, attention, sex etc to punish you for making him uncomfortable by “making” them feel criticized/shame by asking for something
Shutting down and withdrawal are still running. Just energetically, mentally, emotionally instead of physically. But you are talking about narcissistic traits not dismissive attachments
@ The classic DA shutdown & withdrawal are an avoidant strategy highly common DA behavior. In fact the DA is pervasively shut down to varying degrees and sharply shuts down & withdraws any time they feel criticized or overwhelmed in any way. The DA usually has a high amount of narcissistic traits & behavior’s with one significant difference being that they do not derive pleasure from causing other’s pain & anguish. In fact heavy shame kicks in each time they feel that they have because subconsciously they believe they will always let people down and that they are fundamentally flawed aka the “I Am defective” core wound. Although a DA will usually not divulge how they really feel and Passive aggressive behavior is also very common among DA’s. These things are all very evident in my practice and was clearly outlined in the training I did under Thais Gibson in the Integrated Attachment Theory Relationship Coaching Certification training program.
Omg!! I had to do this EXACT THING. #become a healed version of a man.. healed men let go so smoothly and the usually level all the way up from there. The other party always regrets messing up with a good healed man, and he can politely tilt his head, shrug, and move on in the most beautiful way😊.. I became "that ninja" 😂
They love you on their own terms 💯 churrrch
thank you for keeping me out of year 3 with my DA
Powerful. This has blessed me and given me the perspective I needed.
Churrrch
CHURRRCH and thank you. I’m listening to this every day until I don’t need to anymore.
POWERFUL....ONPOINT AND SIMPLY POWERFUL!!
💫CHURRRCH💫 This is powerful.. Thank You !
Churrrch. I won’t forget what you told us here today. Thank you
Churrrch..
my first time here..being AP I knew a lot about attachment.. but ur answer on how to get over it .. was everything!!
Thank u new subscriber
ChuRRRch..ChuRRRch..ChuRRRch.. Separating what "few moments of pleasure" from inconsistent communication and lack of communication/connection. Thank you Doc Z! 💯
I love the way this man talks!
CHUUURCH!!!" "In your brain you can't seperate all the sweet things he said to you from all of the piss pour ways he treated you" Your mind has to let go of who you thought he was"
YES😪
Churrrch, Churrrch, Churrrch
Let the healing begin!
Wow!! This helped me so much!!! Thank you!!!Churrrch!!!!
Have you got a video on how anxious are toxic too?
Right! I'm anxiously attached, and I know I can be terribly controlling, needy, and emotionally erratic because I overthink. 20 years of therapy, and I still have a lot of trouble with anxiety at the beginning and codependency throughout until it crashes and burns.
Apparently, I've only dated avoidants and narcissists, which greatly rooted my childhood abandonment issues. This was helpful. Definitely want to see a video on the toxic traits. ❤
Most insightful video I’ve seen in a long time. You are a star. I’m serious, you will be at the top of TH-cam.
Churrrh … thank you wow just answered why I can’t let go of husband after 15 years … now I see and can heal and leave like he does often - set me Free - thank you ❤ ❤ ❤
Self awareness and emotional maturity ❤
CHURRRCH! Once again, Thank you! I don't know my attachment style, but I know it doesn't tell me to keep it moving at the first 🚩 😒.
CHURRRCH 🙌🏾 Thank you... this helped me
Churrrch Wow! the way he broke it down. I very much needed this. Thank you.
I follow you on TikTok. I have never seen you on TH-cam til this moment so I listened. You're amazing.
I just honestly think he's found someone else he's interested in. It's not like him to avoid me, I keep asking if we're fine, this doesn't feel fine. Even the way he's communicating tells me I'm not worth his time. I have needs here. I never thought he'd hurt me like this. 😭😭😭💔
Run, from covert narcissist
CHURRRCH - this was great! 😊
DOC - do you have a video about anxious attachment?
Churrrch!!! This content helps so much. I went through what was spoken on and I did the chasing until I paused to help regulate my own emotions and do some self reflection on the behaviors displayed by both. I can relate to disorganized attachment but I’m working towards secure attachment. If the DA is not working on themselves to notice their behavior they see it as being themselves. They see nothing wrong with it. The same goes for an anxious. It’s a way of being. However when you strive to be secure you’ll notice unhealthy behaviors. It’s what helped me to detach and protect my peace (nervous system n digestive system) I accept this behavior is a byproduct of what was shown. It is a way of being for this person and set boundaries for myself because I understand now that that behavior doesn’t work or help me. I value consistency, communication, comprehension, transparency, and accountability.
DA’s are not bad people, the behavior is the challenge, especially when it goes unnoticed or worked on.
Loved the cat analogy btw.
When you accept things and don’t force it you’ll be better off.
I love the DA n cat immensely but the behavior is what triggers me so I work on me to not let those behaviors change me from being better and doing better. Another good analogy is the show “Sheldon”
This was my ex he’s 50 years old but his bedroom looked like a little kids room clutter clothes everywhere unmade bed but he function well in that chaos and he has daddy issues it was too much to handle i ghosted him and never looked back..
GREAT WAY OF EXPLAINING 🙏🙌👍
Wow! This was an excellent 10 minute overview!! 👏🏾
Wheeew. This was goodT! CHURRRCH
Is there any possible way that an avoidant and an anxious person becoming secure in their relationship with time?
Churrrch. I feel like this could be me. Wowwww....🤦🏾♀️
Churrrch🔥🔥🔥Thank you!
I loved this. She needs to be a healhty woman, not a healthy dude. We all posses masculine and feminine energy. She needs to move from her wounded feminine energy into a healthy one.
God Bless, it’s been a year. I still struggle and wonder if it was me. This helped, I think mostly because he said I was the one self sabotaging when I was leaning in to resolve issues
OMG THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!! Thank you thank you!!
That’s funny about the rollercoaster I felt very sick with mine I remember even seeing him the vomiting emoji because that’s how I felt and what did he do , be disrespectful and threaten to block me rather than ask me why I felt that why .. he knew why 🤯Churrrch!
🙏🏾 🙏🏾 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING
You are a God send
You’re Awesome. Thank you so much
Churrrrrrrrrch and thank you Doc U R The Best❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you ❤
Whats it called when everytime, in any relationship, as soon as you FEEL the care from the other person (who did NOTHING wrong) you really dont even want to be around them, literally sick to your stomach? And when it becomes so strong you just cut ties even with family. It seems more than just a fear of intimacy.... 🤔
Im working on understanding whats going so i can fix myself or at least to cope enough to actually have a consistent relationship somewhere in my future.
Feeling lost
From your comments there isn’t enough information to “diagnose” you. Seek out a therapist. He’s a therapist. Only someone with enough information and can dig into your childhood and connect dots, you can’t connect them because you’re going through it. You have stated that you can’t maintain relationships… this could be rooted in the relationship with your parents or caregivers. Another angle…. Untreated and undiagnosed mental disorders. It could be a combined factor. For me I avoid ppl a lot, even family, just seeing my phone rings is nerve racking most days… this is a combination of me not having a consistent relationship with either parent, and untreated ADHD. My social meter is very short. Ppl, noise, light… I’m sensitive to it all… so my coping mechanism is to be alone. Isolate. The only plus side in that is I’m an only child… so it’s natural to be alone.
That's the Perrfect ending to this video!
Same here. But it goes deeper than that lately. Don't want to put labels on anyone but omg! I too aren't doing so well detaching either. 10 years and I feel like I'm the mirror of my parents 😢. Something I've always told myself if never be or tolerate but hear I am 10 years in and struggling to let go fully. I can go no contact but the love I feel never shuts off. He doesn't have an issue letting go most times but always come back smh. I have no clue what to do but keep praying and pushing for full healing but it's not going over well. I know I've made little changes but this emotion of "love" will not shut off 😭
Definitely extreme and toxic communication going on in my situation!
Oh my gosh… I’ve been praying for insight and understanding of what I’ve been through these last 3 years…. 😢 and that after 23 years of marriage to a covert narcissist. Feels like I’ve been broken beyond repair… but at least I understand what’s happened to me over the past 3 years. Have no idea how I’m going to heal from it all. Only with the Lord’s help….
As much as you feel despair and hopeless. There is help. There are things you can do to recover. You’re obviously traumatized. You should start with therapy.
This is very very validating.
Churrrch. I can whole heartedly understand this message
Yes I have a secure style according to my test.
I feel like I need to let him go. I know I'm putting expectations on a relationship that's doomed. Life had other plans for me. I wanted so badly to make this work, I guess I gave it my best try. I think it'll only get worse from here. Maybe God has someone else in mind. 🥺💔
AI is something else! I was on my phone talking about an associate who displays RUNNING behavior. Low and behold, this video appears on my algorithm. Interesting! Thanks for sharing this.
I ❤️ your therapy sessions
I sometimes do something I heard you suggest;
Imagine you're a man ♂️ Now do it
🤪 Love it ❣️ Thank you
Dude I like the hat
I love it because it looks like something that grandma would make ! Or Mom, Auntie !
Thanks so much! Check out my new hat line here: www.zebthe3rd.com/product-page/the-classic-slouch-intentional-style
Yea. I am ending a relationship like this with a man I know. It is painful, it hurts, I really love him. I do. At the same time I know me and him are not for each other. I can be his friend or someone that checks on each other maybe, but anything else, I’m done. He needs someone that can help him heal.
I just stopped wasting my time with an avoidant. Churrrch ❤❤❤
Mariyah Carey calls it: So Cold
Omg that hat!!
Link to my new hat line! www.zebthe3rd.com/product-page/the-classic-slouch-intentional-style