Ultimatums and Threats

Description of video : When you’re in a healthy relationship there is no need for ultimatums. This is an attempt to control the circumstances of your relationship and your partner’s position through restrictions and limits that you directly relate to your happiness. Your happiness can’t be tied to the outcome of a timeline, decision, or your partner making a statement based on your expectations. Your happiness can’t be based on other people, outcomes, things or other’s decisions.
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Scott Freymuller is the host of The Knot - A perspective on mental health and wellness. After 20 years’ experience as a first responder, Captain Paramedic, SWAT Tactical Medic, firefighter and paramedic, he came to a realization that the traumatic events he experienced throughout life gravely impacted his decisions, relationships and life’s path. With a new-found awakening and wealth of knowledge gained after nearly a decade of therapy, counseling, meetings with experts and voracious research, his mission is to help others work to become healthy and gain a better understanding of how to heal by sharing his truth and insight.
About The Knot - A program with a perspective on mental health and wellness, PTSD, as it relates to relationships both toxic and healthy. Features include Fire, Police, Military, PHD’s and other professionals with information to share with the masses. A segment “He Said, She Said,” features relationship topics in a raw, unedited discussion surrounding healthy and unhealthy relationships.
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[@tannerradloff]

Great conversation, thanks Scott. You're right on the money when you say that if ultimatums are being used, there are bigger problem going on. You're also right on about talking it through, asking questions and discussing compromises should be the standard method of resolving conflicts long before ultimatums are necessary. An approach that I've found useful if you're early enough in the relationship is when a serious conflict point arises, make your feelings, boundaries and where you stand 100% clear without giving an ultimatum. ( In your example, it would be something like "I really wanted to spend this entire vacation with you" and/or "I really don't feel comfortable with you going without me for those days, if you want to go on your own that's fine, just know that long term I want a partner that's comfortable spending time with me and having me around their friends". Then you just watch and let them make their own choice, and it will show you if they respect your feelings or not. In your example if she still chose to go after that conversation, I would see that as a major red flag for dating them long term and take it as a negative data point. Down the road this allows you to end things by saying something like "I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is a good match for me, and to me that means someone who respects and considers my feelings, and by your actions after I clearly told you how I felt, you've clearly shown that you don't. And that's fine, but it just means that we're really not as good of a match as I thought." You're really right that it should never come to that point. Typically as you mentioned, ultimatums are often used by insecure people as a last ditch effort to manipulate you. If someone proceeds to do something after you've clearly explained how and why it makes you feel bad in some way, or if you do something despite the other person explaining how it hurts them, then both of you are most likely better off with someone else anyway.

[@scottfreymullertheknot8264]

Tanner - thank you for the comment and the effort. Most of these things are common sense and things we already know. Sometimes when we are in the thick of it like I was you can see through the clouds - this channel and content is to help people see!!

[@tannerradloff]

@@scottfreymullertheknot8264 absolutely, thanks for sharing.

[@r2b2.]

Shelli needs her own show!

[@scottfreymullertheknot8264]

R2. I think you are right about that. She is a gifted individual for sure. We are building a network and she may have her own channel. Stay tuned and thank you for watching.