I am happy for you, everything you said in the video is a great indicator of health in my eye. It seems to me that you worked on the alienation within parts of you. I remember finding you in the comment section of a video a year or two ago, it was your attire of green that got me to check your channel out. The royal dark green is my favorite color, and seeing someone else appreciate it drew me to you. At the time, you were still processing your autistic tendencies, feeling like an android being an expression of that, as autism is partly an expression of physiological hypermasculinization. Also, your statement about femininity being performative touches down on something very important about femininity. Most people don't recognize that femininity as we conceive of it now was something invented, it is a technology of sorts, a part of culture. It was something that emerged in Egypt eons ago, before that point the notion of femininity was quite different, it was something connected with nature (the word nature coming from the word natura meaning birth), it was about fertility, oneness with forces, etc. Most people recognize modern feminity as something innate and as a given throughout history, it really isn't. As Simone de Beauvoir says: "One is not born, but rather becomes, a women". Modern feminity is associated with the masculinity of sky cults. It led to the emancipation of women from nature. It allowed women to participate in fighting against nature and towards the creation of individuals as opposed to the old earth-cult way of oneness of feminity, being just a birth-machine. One of the rituals that enabled this is called art, the tool used to fight nature, through seeking beauty. Art is the taming of the uncontrollable flux of nature, emulating the act of creation through birth. Modern femininity emerges out of the fetishism of masculinity, the Apollonian way of freezing and turning the flux of reality into artifacts, and the ultimate symbol of human desire is feminity, a thing that is beyond grasp, etherial. The desire for sex concealing our goal of emancipation from sex. The word "Person", comes from "Persona" meaning mask, and there is a good reason for that. Look at how much these personae impact your thoughts, and being. Berserk being one of them. Look how the adoption of the mask of guts reveals things about your reality, without that mask, your entire deconstruction of your life would be different. As Camille Paglia says: "The ritual of art is the cruel law of pain made pleasure". Suffering transformed into meaning, pleasure, and renewal, isn't that what guts symbolize? Isn't your journey like guts during the golden age also? Guts at the start was just a mercenary, a rational being with zero emotions and love towards others, like your android era, but later through Casca and the gang, gaining an object of love, a floodgate of emotional suffering, meaning, and purpose emerged. All these personae of art are sex objects, the emotional response of the spectator or reader is inseparable from erotic response. A Dionysian continuum of pleasure-pain. "Emotional arousal is sensual arousal; sensual arousal is sexual arousal. The idea that emotion can be separated from sex is a Christian illusion, one of the most ingenious but finally unworkable strategies in Christianity's ancient campaign against pagan nature." Your psyche has transformed from the drought emotionlessness of the apollonian abstract psyche to a Dionysian form of femininity present in the likes of the delphic oracle: "A man in a woman, indeed a god, speaks through her mouth", a woman invaded by a male spirit. I don't consider your story to be over just yet. You may proclaim this to be the end of your "What the hell is wrong with me" series, but I refuse to believe it so. Lots of these ideas I just shared are from the book "Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence From Nefertiti To Emily Dickinson" by Camille Paglia if you want to learn more about such topics. I hope you don't stop your journey of self-construction and self-recognition just yet.
Thanks, I do feel less alienated from humanity, although no more closely connected. Now I'm just keenly aware of the distance. Green is indeed the best colour. Femininity is absolutely a performance, especially nowadays. Masculinity can be performative too, but to a lesser extent. This is why girls who transition into boys feel like they are finally getting to be themselves, it's because they've dropped the act of femininity and are just being human instead. I feel more like Guts after the Golden Age, because I had gone from emotionless to opening up and forming connections and experiencing love, only for it all the be ripped away again. Art has always been a way for us to understand ourselves and our world. Big Boss, Kazuhira, Guts, they've all helped me to reframe my senseless reality into something coherent. Very few people experience the kinds of pains I have lived through, and those that have are hardly willing to be open about it. So instead these characters are helping me to focus myself on a path, to learn from their triumphs and mistakes.
Is it my imagination, or does the character on the video call on Naughty Dog's Intergalactic trailer seem like a (slightly older) dead ringer of your good self?
I'm not trans but I don't like my voice. I wish I had a slightly deeper voice. Not masculine, just less squeaky. Also, I've had selective mutism since childhood and went for years barely speaking most days. So I think because of not using my voice enough growing up it may have caused some underdevelopment? Not too sure about that though. But I do know that I am still struggling with psychological mutism and me being insecure about my voice makes it so much harder. I was thinking if it would be possible to go on Testosterone for like, maybe two months, just enough to get a slightly deeper voice, and then stop. Would that be a bad idea? I'd like to hear your thoughts about this. Any response or recommendations would be appreciated.
It would certainly change your voice, but it is taking a huge gamble with the rest of your appearance and health. Ultimately, it is up to you, and I am personally happy with my voice. From what you have said, it seems as if vocal training may be a sensible first step before resorting to more drastic actions. Hope you find something that works for you.
ok, i understand,my ex was transpinay and i lived in manila for 6 years, so the burning questions are, 1) do you now identify as male, do you identify as gay or straight male and wtf are you not here in wales :)
Why would you think I was a man? I don't know what my sexuality it. My ancestors left Wales six generations ago, I figure they had a good reason to escape.
@@CourtneyCoulson lol yup we just had 6 weeks of non stop rain, i think your ancestors done a smart thing, as the valleys have been slowly collapsing, since the 80s. Whilst right up until the 2010s in some areas, gay bashing. was still a thing! :(
Just how long does it take for a valley to collapse? Will it happen in your lifetime? In the meantime Wales remains a beautiful country and a place to escape TO … but keep it to yourself.
I have emotions, but I tend to have low negative emotions (low neuroticism). I find it's a bit tricky though. I find that if you block out all bad emotions you also block out the good. But I agree, love sucks. Love makes me feel weird, silly and immature. Out of my own personal curiosity, I wonder, do you think you might have a bit of narcissism? I don't mean this in a bad way, I'm just asking because you are quite introspective so you've probably pondered this before. As a man, I feel like women tend to be much more affected by negative emotions, to the point where things tend to get a bit conspiratorial. When I speak to women I much more often hear mentions of shadowy patriatchal conspiracies, or capitalist mysogynist cabals etc. When everything in the world seems to be against you and triggering powerful emotions its probably easy to make the jump to thinking there is actually a system built against you. I just think the human condition is hard and no conspiracy is needed to explain this. On the android side of things, I get similar feelings in some ways. Specially with ChatGPT and such now. In a lot of ways I feel I relate more with AI than other humans. It's odd but kind of sad. lol I think the difficulty with emotion is how internal it is, yet it feels external. A feeling that comes from inside can feel as real as anything else in your life. As a programmer, when I write a program, the computer will run it the same way no matter how I feel. There's an objective reality outside of me. And that is practical. It's tangible. I can share it and people see it for what it exactly is. It's something that can be shared perfectly. Emotions can't be shared perfectly. It's a mess. Ultimately, I think the ability to feel emotion is a good thing. It's just hard when emotions are overpowering. Is your emotional state pretty much the same now after 4 months?
No, I'm absolutely not a narcissist, why does everyone act like they're an expert and try to diagnose people so casually with such a severe condition? Do I seem arrogant, egotistical or desperate for the approval of others? I'd hope not. I have empathy, I would never manipulate others to get what I want.
@@CourtneyCoulson It was meant as a question rather than a diagnosis. I'm just thinking like, most people who put themselves out there probably have some minimum of narcissism. Actors, entertainers, etc. It seems like it can be a drive towards positive things. Maybe narcissism is not the right word. I just find there is an interesting difference in our personality. You have this sort of "Hey, I could be Captain America!" sort of energy. Is that arrogant or egotistical? I don't know. But it's definitely bold. I think it suits you.
Surgery isn't as scary as it seems, from my two experiences. You have a team of people caring for you before, during and after. You should have a thorough consultation before-hand. On the pragmatic side, surgeons are tracked judged by the relative success of their procedures.
@CourtneyCoulson I'd like to be able to say that it's incredibly rare, but yeah, I think that has happened to many more women than is actually realised. I knew many RNs when I was growing up, including my mum. Her BFF was a surgical nurse who had worked with a creepy guy who once paged the entire hospital they worked at to say "Red pubes! Red pubes in Theatre 6. Come quick!". 😬😒 Now, I have unfortunately had to have surgery several times and I'm sure that it's always gone fine (largely because most of them were pretty major and urgent) but it's something to remain cognisant of. And I would never doubt anyone who had an icky suspicion afterwards, including myself. PS You're not repulsive!
I am happy for you, everything you said in the video is a great indicator of health in my eye. It seems to me that you worked on the alienation within parts of you. I remember finding you in the comment section of a video a year or two ago, it was your attire of green that got me to check your channel out. The royal dark green is my favorite color, and seeing someone else appreciate it drew me to you. At the time, you were still processing your autistic tendencies, feeling like an android being an expression of that, as autism is partly an expression of physiological hypermasculinization. Also, your statement about femininity being performative touches down on something very important about femininity. Most people don't recognize that femininity as we conceive of it now was something invented, it is a technology of sorts, a part of culture. It was something that emerged in Egypt eons ago, before that point the notion of femininity was quite different, it was something connected with nature (the word nature coming from the word natura meaning birth), it was about fertility, oneness with forces, etc. Most people recognize modern feminity as something innate and as a given throughout history, it really isn't. As Simone de Beauvoir says: "One is not born, but rather becomes, a women". Modern feminity is associated with the masculinity of sky cults. It led to the emancipation of women from nature. It allowed women to participate in fighting against nature and towards the creation of individuals as opposed to the old earth-cult way of oneness of feminity, being just a birth-machine. One of the rituals that enabled this is called art, the tool used to fight nature, through seeking beauty. Art is the taming of the uncontrollable flux of nature, emulating the act of creation through birth. Modern femininity emerges out of the fetishism of masculinity, the Apollonian way of freezing and turning the flux of reality into artifacts, and the ultimate symbol of human desire is feminity, a thing that is beyond grasp, etherial. The desire for sex concealing our goal of emancipation from sex.
The word "Person", comes from "Persona" meaning mask, and there is a good reason for that. Look at how much these personae impact your thoughts, and being. Berserk being one of them. Look how the adoption of the mask of guts reveals things about your reality, without that mask, your entire deconstruction of your life would be different. As Camille Paglia says: "The ritual of art is the cruel law of pain made pleasure". Suffering transformed into meaning, pleasure, and renewal, isn't that what guts symbolize? Isn't your journey like guts during the golden age also? Guts at the start was just a mercenary, a rational being with zero emotions and love towards others, like your android era, but later through Casca and the gang, gaining an object of love, a floodgate of emotional suffering, meaning, and purpose emerged.
All these personae of art are sex objects, the emotional response of the spectator or reader is inseparable from erotic response. A Dionysian continuum of pleasure-pain. "Emotional arousal is sensual arousal; sensual arousal is sexual arousal. The idea that emotion can be separated from sex is a Christian illusion, one of the most ingenious but finally unworkable strategies in Christianity's ancient campaign against pagan nature." Your psyche has transformed from the drought emotionlessness of the apollonian abstract psyche to a Dionysian form of femininity present in the likes of the delphic oracle: "A man in a woman, indeed a god, speaks through her mouth", a woman invaded by a male spirit. I don't consider your story to be over just yet. You may proclaim this to be the end of your "What the hell is wrong with me" series, but I refuse to believe it so.
Lots of these ideas I just shared are from the book "Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence From Nefertiti To Emily Dickinson" by Camille Paglia if you want to learn more about such topics. I hope you don't stop your journey of self-construction and self-recognition just yet.
Thanks, I do feel less alienated from humanity, although no more closely connected. Now I'm just keenly aware of the distance.
Green is indeed the best colour.
Femininity is absolutely a performance, especially nowadays. Masculinity can be performative too, but to a lesser extent. This is why girls who transition into boys feel like they are finally getting to be themselves, it's because they've dropped the act of femininity and are just being human instead.
I feel more like Guts after the Golden Age, because I had gone from emotionless to opening up and forming connections and experiencing love, only for it all the be ripped away again. Art has always been a way for us to understand ourselves and our world. Big Boss, Kazuhira, Guts, they've all helped me to reframe my senseless reality into something coherent. Very few people experience the kinds of pains I have lived through, and those that have are hardly willing to be open about it. So instead these characters are helping me to focus myself on a path, to learn from their triumphs and mistakes.
Is it my imagination, or does the character on the video call on Naughty Dog's Intergalactic trailer seem like a (slightly older) dead ringer of your good self?
@@NellWatson oh haha, she does too. Her eyepatch is on the right though, not sure why most characters seem to have an eyepatch on the right.
I'm not trans but I don't like my voice. I wish I had a slightly deeper voice. Not masculine, just less squeaky. Also, I've had selective mutism since childhood and went for years barely speaking most days. So I think because of not using my voice enough growing up it may have caused some underdevelopment? Not too sure about that though. But I do know that I am still struggling with psychological mutism and me being insecure about my voice makes it so much harder. I was thinking if it would be possible to go on Testosterone for like, maybe two months, just enough to get a slightly deeper voice, and then stop. Would that be a bad idea? I'd like to hear your thoughts about this. Any response or recommendations would be appreciated.
It would certainly change your voice, but it is taking a huge gamble with the rest of your appearance and health. Ultimately, it is up to you, and I am personally happy with my voice. From what you have said, it seems as if vocal training may be a sensible first step before resorting to more drastic actions. Hope you find something that works for you.
ok, i understand,my ex was transpinay and i lived in manila for 6 years, so the burning questions are, 1) do you now identify as male, do you identify as gay or straight male and wtf are you not here in wales :)
Why would you think I was a man?
I don't know what my sexuality it.
My ancestors left Wales six generations ago, I figure they had a good reason to escape.
@@CourtneyCoulson lol yup we just had 6 weeks of non stop rain, i think your ancestors done a smart thing, as the valleys have been slowly collapsing, since the 80s. Whilst right up until the 2010s in some areas, gay bashing. was still a thing! :(
Just how long does it take for a valley to collapse? Will it happen in your lifetime? In the meantime Wales remains a beautiful country and a place to escape TO … but keep it to yourself.
I have emotions, but I tend to have low negative emotions (low neuroticism). I find it's a bit tricky though. I find that if you block out all bad emotions you also block out the good.
But I agree, love sucks. Love makes me feel weird, silly and immature.
Out of my own personal curiosity, I wonder, do you think you might have a bit of narcissism? I don't mean this in a bad way, I'm just asking because you are quite introspective so you've probably pondered this before.
As a man, I feel like women tend to be much more affected by negative emotions, to the point where things tend to get a bit conspiratorial. When I speak to women I much more often hear mentions of shadowy patriatchal conspiracies, or capitalist mysogynist cabals etc. When everything in the world seems to be against you and triggering powerful emotions its probably easy to make the jump to thinking there is actually a system built against you. I just think the human condition is hard and no conspiracy is needed to explain this.
On the android side of things, I get similar feelings in some ways. Specially with ChatGPT and such now. In a lot of ways I feel I relate more with AI than other humans. It's odd but kind of sad. lol
I think the difficulty with emotion is how internal it is, yet it feels external. A feeling that comes from inside can feel as real as anything else in your life.
As a programmer, when I write a program, the computer will run it the same way no matter how I feel. There's an objective reality outside of me. And that is practical. It's tangible. I can share it and people see it for what it exactly is. It's something that can be shared perfectly. Emotions can't be shared perfectly. It's a mess.
Ultimately, I think the ability to feel emotion is a good thing. It's just hard when emotions are overpowering.
Is your emotional state pretty much the same now after 4 months?
No, I'm absolutely not a narcissist, why does everyone act like they're an expert and try to diagnose people so casually with such a severe condition? Do I seem arrogant, egotistical or desperate for the approval of others? I'd hope not. I have empathy, I would never manipulate others to get what I want.
@@CourtneyCoulson It was meant as a question rather than a diagnosis.
I'm just thinking like, most people who put themselves out there probably have some minimum of narcissism. Actors, entertainers, etc. It seems like it can be a drive towards positive things. Maybe narcissism is not the right word.
I just find there is an interesting difference in our personality. You have this sort of "Hey, I could be Captain America!" sort of energy. Is that arrogant or egotistical? I don't know. But it's definitely bold. I think it suits you.
@@user-ge2hp3qw3j the word you're looking for is "introspective" or maybe "self-aware".
You are so cute what happened to your eye cutie
I was hit by a car a couple of years ago, which left me with a condition called Intermittent Ptosis.
@@CourtneyCoulson I'm sorry to hear that cutie but I'm glad that you are ok
Surgery isn't as scary as it seems, from my two experiences. You have a team of people caring for you before, during and after. You should have a thorough consultation before-hand.
On the pragmatic side, surgeons are tracked judged by the relative success of their procedures.
I was abused in hospital last time I needed medical care.
@@CourtneyCoulson yeah, fair point.
@CourtneyCoulson I'd like to be able to say that it's incredibly rare, but yeah, I think that has happened to many more women than is actually realised.
I knew many RNs when I was growing up, including my mum. Her BFF was a surgical nurse who had worked with a creepy guy who once paged the entire hospital they worked at to say "Red pubes! Red pubes in Theatre 6. Come quick!". 😬😒
Now, I have unfortunately had to have surgery several times and I'm sure that it's always gone fine (largely because most of them were pretty major and urgent) but it's something to remain cognisant of. And I would never doubt anyone who had an icky suspicion afterwards, including myself.
PS You're not repulsive!