The saddest part for me as a betrayed is that he told me that in the 6 years he cheated on me, he never once thought of me or how his behavior would affect me. How can I repair a marriage with a person who could be so selfish that they could shatter a heart and never give it a thought?
Same this is the very same discussion I've had with my wife for the same reasons..How could she have an affair but yet disregard me and our two old son at the same time
That is one of the things that bothered me the most too. Like "how could you NOT think of me, when every aspect of my life, every decision I make, literally everything I do every day revolves around you?" Strange thing is, that's incredibly common; the unfaithful have an ability to compartmentalize that seems unfathomable to those of us that don't have the ability. But finding out why I was able to be cast aside so easily didn't make it hurt any less.
Why does one stay with an unfaithful partner? I keep forgiving after so many years. Why am I the one getting blamed for the cheating? What is wrong with me? How come I was never unfaithful ? I love him so much & it’s so painful
hi there. this may help explain it, as it's in many ways about shame: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame it will explain more about why you do what you do and why your spouse does what they do and then blames you for it. also, you'll enjoy this series on why people cheat as well; www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-why-did-they-cheat-part-one-the-role-of-oxytocin hope that helps you friend.
I can relate so much to this, I was like a crack rat in a maze seeking truth and answers but was constantly stone walled with “I don’t know” or “I can’t remember” In the end, I just had to let it go to find peace within myself, however, I did let him know that I wasn’t buying it and if he thinks he’s fooling me he could think again.
We were using your videos to start our recovery (6 years after he cheated) and after this video, I just wanna give up. I feel like you're telling my husband it's okay not to tell me things. He always claims he doesn't remember. As a betrayed spouse, I need answers. Even small details matter to me. If my spouse doesn't fill in the gaps for me, it's in my nature to fill those gaps in myself. I can't help but fill them in with worst case scenarios. I feel really discouraged and wanna give up.
very sorry you feel that way my friend and that anything said would be hurtful or discouraging. it is one blog among hundreds and i do think i was fair in explaining both sides and at 6:50 i even say that if you're constantly deceiving me...i can't stay. unf spouses who are not healthy will use anything they can against their spouse because they want to deceive them and protect only themselves and i can't help those that don't want to get help. perhaps it's time for a lie detector? or an ultimatum? if you're in a situation where you're not getting the truth, maybe it's time for stronger boundaries. i hope you can still find hope.
Truth. We the betrayed have a right to know every detail and the whole stinking truth! Why would I believe anything he has told me , when he has lied for 2 years. He can't remember this and that. But I am sure he remembers sexual positions and how many times each time they met! They chose to block out what they don't want us to know. I am tired of the cheater always having an excuse for their choices they made knowingly! They know exactly what their doing right before they choose to do so. I hear , that wasn't me. I wasn't myself. Well it wasn't your ghost doing it. They know the story from beginning to end. They just choose to tell you enough to keep you out of the rest. I never stopped loving you when I was doing this. Yes you did , you stopped the moment you crossed the line!!!!!
There is no answer he can give you that is going to make you feel better, , you won’t get a better past by knowing any answers of the past , but you can have a better future, if you can stop torturing yourself seeking answers that just aren’t able to be given , I understand you are very very hurt, and I understand you want to hurt him as much as he hurt you, , but is that really any good for your recovery, and having a restored marriage and better future ?
Wish I had never ever gotten married. I was happy being single. Then I fall in love with a man that love bombed me. It was lies from the very beginning. I will never forgive him. I will never give my heart away ever again.
Bingo .... We're in our 7 month from the time she told me and She just came up with a different time line. It went from a couple of years to 3 or four to now it's what I refer to it as round 1 and round 2 . Round 2 is the time that reconnected a couple of years after our son was born until he sold his company in 2007 and she can't understand why I don't believe her at first when I ask her a question and the answer may sound fishy .
Even when he's telling me "every detail" I have a hard time trusting what he is saying. There was a slow drip of information for awhile. I had to investigate just to find out real truth. He lied to me about who she was. A week later I found out is was a coworker he was having an affair with for 4 months right after our daughter was born. Just lies after lies.
Samuel, what do you do when your spouse has purposely deleted all of the text messages between the affair partners? Hundred of them. How do you go on knowing that he protected her and himself this way and left me in the dark?
That was my wife answers to me when we were talking about her afairs, She just wouldn't tell the truth about it, she just wanted to seep it under the rug and move on like it never happened. She would never say let's work together to fine the answers. Another thing she say was let's not talk about it,were getting along ,I don't want to argue about it. Ya,try getting any were with that
I didn’t find out for decades what went on with my wife, she tells me all the time she doesn’t remember. I’m destroyed inside. But I’m staying , my family is important.
I'd be slightly less unhappy if he actually told me anything! 'I can't remember' is the biggest get out for him. I know he's lying but I can't force him to tell me the truth. And each week and month that passes, he is losing me by inches.
I know this is an older video, but I'm hoping someone can still answer my question.... What if he doesn't remember because he was drunk or high? I feel like it's more frustrating because he literally doesn't know what happened, just knows he woke up somewhere and didn't know how he got there.... It also doesn't make what he did okay or excusable. Is there a video on this topic?
hi holly. sometimes a lie detector is key and something to utilize. sometimes, it's an approach that says " i know enough to heal and move on with strict boundaries in place, as we move forward." there are not a ton of options when they truly don't remember. if they are lying that they don't remember, then it's a very difficult spot to be in and usually requires expert help, boundaries and maybe even an ultimatum or two and the enforcement of those boundaries.
I’ve told my husband i wish I could take a lie detector test because I have been certain- OVER 100% CERTAIN -that I had never and would never in the future cheat on him in any way shape or form nor sha see😅😂🎉❤😊😅
Why do I still have unanswered questions about an affair my wife had with a close friend and my boss 35 years ago. We stayed together for the sake of our 2 small children. We have not had any infidelity, as far as I know for all those years. I still love her and she loves me , but something lately has triggered my need for more information. I haven't mentioned for 35 years but now I want to know how did it start, how long did it last, did you love each other, did he come to our house, and many other questions. She says she has no memory of anything but one ride in his car and park and talk. At the time , she said he was going to leave his wife and she thought they were in love. Now she doesn't or won't recall anything. He was 19 years older than her. I can't stop thinking about it everyday at anytime , it pops in my mind.
Expecting her to remember details like that - from 35 years ago - doesn't seem reasonable. Even a few years muddies the waters - especially for the . And Samuel has a video where he says that things like 'reasons' change for the unfaithful over time. And - details that are specific- first kiss, positions, times, days, which hotel, positions.. are details probably lost to time, just like emotions of the time will be. In your case, it's also quite possible that since it was shameful and hurt her relationship with you, holding on to those memories would have been traumatic and damaging. Nothing is worse for the unfaithful than being asked a question, especially a minute detail, and being accused of lying when in fact, the details are truly forgotten. You might get an answer, but it might be what she thinks she might have been feeling or possibly doing back then. Chances are, it won't be accurate. It's human nature to overthink, but fixating on the past or worrying about the future too much will rob you of the present moment.
What even worse is when the unfaithful leaves so they don't have to explain why they cheated. so whenever you want details they will say, " what's the point?".
this is all so eerily accurate. Sounds exactly like my marriage. I need 1+1 to equal 2 always, so when it isn’t I know there is something and I have yet to be wrong. and finally the one thing he took years to finally say and it made sense and i didnt get that hunch anynore .
I want you to know that I (the betrayed) was referred to your page through Reddit, and every video is an exact representation of what I am feeling inside. I have been hurting for about a month and a half since D-Day, and I feel crazy, but I am learning that I am not alone. I now know that these feelings that I never thought I would feel (and these seemingly crazy behaviors I never thought would come from me, like pain shopping, stalking the AP online, wanting to search through her phone, etc) are shared by many, and that helps a lot. Lots of good info and help here, and I will share with everybody that needs it. Thank you!!
Dallas Moye - I hope by now you are feeling better. The same happened to me, it was hard to me to work because my job requires a lot of analysis and concentration. 3 years had passed, I’m better but not in a optimal level. The hardest part is my self esteem because he cheated with someone who is the opposite physically, emotionally and spiritually. I don’t know if I ever goin to make it. God bless you.
I am going through this in this moment. Just sent the unfaithful a few videos. Hopefully we can discuss it and move forward one way or another so we can both be happy. My prayers are with you. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
I can believe some of this but I found several affairs and obsessions with other women yet I always get I don't remember when I do we will talk and then it never happens. I'm tired of waiting on his truths and it's not ok if I heal from here it will be on my own with no hope in healing together and I'm sorry but I call bullshit.......
My wife had a 4 year affair which I found out about earlier this year. I was trying to rekindle our marriage, but I discovered a recent FaceTime call (it said it was cancelled) to the same person she had the affair with. She keeps telling me she cannot remember making the call, because she had been drinking, but I don't believe her. She's so manipulative, it's difficult.
Yeah I got D-Dayed over and over again with multiple blackouts where she just couldn't remember. The only time the past was ever brought up was after seeing her blackout drunk and doing questionable cheating things. When the alcoholic chooses not to change the behavior that causes the pain and causes her over and over and over again then they truly do not care about your feelings. It wasn't till after the divorce that I found out she was seeing her affair partner on one of these supposed blackout drunk nights. Zero closure and multiple children of divorce in the wake of her addiction lying and cheating.
It's been about 7 1/2 months since I found out what my wife was up to. We had 2 conversations about the details of the cheating after which she told me that she was "never having this conversation again" in that conversation she had disclosed that she had sex with one guy, one time, and "made out" a few times with another. However whenever she refers to her sex life during that time (we were separated, but never filed for divorce) she always uses plural words, like "people". Why would she use "people" instead of "him" or just say his name if she only had sex with 1 guy? Based on the information she has given me, and some of the things I have heard her say I am 90% sure that there was at least 3 different men. I haven't confronted her about yet, not sure if I will.
hi david, it sounds like there are lots of open points of confusion that will make it hard to heal and move forward. this article may help explain why you need to know everything (to a certain extent) to heal and regain trust: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell
I’m that betrayed person… I’m harping on it constantly. My spouse doesn’t remember details. But the information has changed nothing crazy… However now the information contrasts what was said then maintained then changed again. How do I heal? How do I self heal? How do I trust wholly. Not partially? Thank you.
it's very tough. i would get expert help involved to find out what exactly has happened and what you're forgiving, what you're choosing to live with and what is the next step for you both. without expert help, you're sort of winging it and that will be extremely hard to manage and cope with.
Thanks to you and Samantha for sharing. My unfaithful and I separated after trying to heal for 12 mos. but continued to try to rebuild. I knew in my spirit that he was communicating with the 2 AP, he denied it for weeks. He told me I needed to apologize to him for the accusation. Long story short this was 3 mos ago, 20 mos in total since the first d day. He finally admitted to calling them one time., I asked to see his phone detail he refused and said I was on a witch hunt. :( This scenario has played out like this at least 30 times. He usually always tells me what I need as far as access to his accounts and to let the rest go. I believe We have reached the end. Could I get your thoughts on asking for full transparency ?
it's normal you would want full disclosure. you could ask him to do a lie detector as that may help. you could also ask him to do the ems weekend, as we do in fact do full disclosure at the weekend. here are some thoughts on why you need to have it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell it's normal and healthy that you would want full disclosure. it's something that unless you have it, it's really tough to heal. some are able to say i know enough to heal and move on. but, if there is new info, it's tough. like he finally admitting to calling one time is tough. it's not the end of the world, but it's tough to process and leads you to think there is more. it doesn't mean there is. but i do think you need to have a moment where you have full disclosure for sure.
I have done some horrible things, i had an emotional affair and i had numerous guys that i talked to on social media...i sent pics and posted all kinds and i lied because i couldnt remember and i thought any information was better than no infirmation when he was backin me into a corner and pressing me...i really cant remember every little detail and i even went as far as tryin to have someone go thru my phone and bring it all up but all the professionals told me it was not possible to retrieve stuff like that off a phone once its completely deleted because the phone automatically starts to override all the data and this is so awful...i hate what i did to him💔
What happens when you tell them everything and you got into Street details of the affair and then they can’t handle it and they wish they never heard any of it
sometimes you can get professional help to assist you in digging deeper to remember. it's also a good idea to commit to trying to remember and when you do remember details to share them with your partner.
thank you for your comment. i'm sorry, that's one of the toughest situations to face in this world of infidelity. I don't have any sources to share, but you may find a question or two in the Recovery Library of Affair Recovery.com as Rick may address that. it's a difficult situation, but not without hope. there will need to be clear boundaries for sure. this article will help when it comes to trust though and moving forward: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust-0
She couldn't remember. Fine. Our situation had more important issues to work out (drugs, personality disorders, etc). Fine. We agreed to put it on hold until she was in a better place. Now her therapist says that we're just "picking at a scab." It hasn't scabbed over! Are you serious?! We haven't talked about it much at all
What do you do when an unfaithful spouse i call him like that because he has done it before tells you is over... and all the signs show that he is with some body.. and he still denies it all the way ....and we come from a Christian faith
The part I can’t get past is he knew how bad he would hurt me making the choices he made BEFORE he made them but he chose to cheat and he even had an emotional affair for 19 years with yet another woman. He did what he did to me with eyes wide open. Now he has to witness what he did to me everyday. NOW he’s sorry. NOW he regrets it. I intend to make his life pure hell until he’s finally gone and out of my life forever! Keep um zipped up guys or get a divorce first!!! You’re destroying peoples lives for your own pleasure!
Oh how I needed to hear this today. I am the one who uncovered the affair and I was the one left with a million questions that were apparently never going to be answered. If it were up to him this is never to be spoken about. So it has turned me into the detective I never wanted to be. Looking at phone records, bank statements and text messages only to prove what I already knew and then some. I cannot change what's already been done. I can however stop the pain that is brought upon from every Revelation. I want to heal and need to heal.
My wife had a one night thing as she says that happened when she took some pills she thought were one thing but were something different and she ended up sleeping with one of her sisters fiance's friends one nightand she's now pregnant with his kid. As far as I know here doesn't know yet but the pain of my wife whom I already have 2 kids with is pregnant with another man's child and she refuses tti give it up for adoption. She had to give up one child before we got together and she says she can't do it again but we're struggling to care for the 2 we already have together and ways l wants to and another that's not even mine cause she says she can't give up another baby
I'm happy to see I am not crazy. I'm the unfaithful and there were many things I truly didn't remember. I've always had a bad memory anyways, but in my case I think it also had to do with that I confessed the affair almost 2 years after I had ended it. And I hated SO SO SO SO SO much what I did and was so disgusted with what I did that I buried those memories very deep down. Eventually my husband contacted the other person to get more details. It was excruciating and absolutely horrible but I am glad that he now has the full story. Now I pray that my husband will be willing to work towards reconciliation, I'd rather die than ever doing something like that again.
He is saying he doesn’t know or I don’t remember or it wasn’t like that when I give him the instances of what I have witnessed.,leading me to believe something was going on between him and a family member who was staying with us.
Overcoming Infidelity hey thank you I was wondering, could I send you a private message about my situation? I feel like my situation has some features which I could really use your input on if you have time please? We haven’t started the boot camp yet but we will in a couple of days. If this is ok, I think I can receive private messages on TH-cam. Thank you God Bless
I’m the cheated on partner so my agenda is knowing the truth. However, your comments about asking for a lie detector test, and concluding its time to end the relationship if refused is not fair. Such tests are unreliable and getting a false positives or a false negative could, itself, cause serious relationship trauma. If i was telling the truth, i would refuse the test BECAUSE i knew i was truthful.
every situation is remarkably different. betrayed spouses have options and unfaithful spouses (if they want their spouse to feel safe) need to be willing to do whatever it takes to help their spouse heal and feel safe. if not, they will be seen as deceptive and unsafe. fair is relative and every situation has different nuances to it. sorry you didn't like the video or comments.
I still cannot understand how no details can be remembered. No name, no face, not timeframe, no place. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just get I know I cheated on you.
In my situation I don't want a play by play but just certain questions I have that he is unwilling to answer. I get met with I don't know, I can't remember, and it was all a lie. I have felt so stuck. I am working hard on my healing and trauma but if my husband would just actually talk with me without thinking I am trying to rake him through the coals. I am trying really hard to learn trust but it is hard. While he is just business as usual. Well it seems that way. Idk I question why I even stay.
My partner who I've known for 11 year. and been together for 6 with a three year old has been going back to the same woman for 23 years. He told me 2 years ago so I confronted her. He said he would never go back there again. I believed him. more fool me. I asked her and she said he has be back since and she won't let him go. she doesn't chase him. He goes to her late on weekend night. I hate them both so much. He said he would on front her. He says he doesn't love her and it's just a sex opposite to what she says. I am broken beyond belief. He doesn't want to lose me but as much as he says he won't stay awayfromher life. He is 44 and I'm 32 and she 53. He gets angry and says that's enough if I bring it up. He has lied and lied. He us bipolar not says he has a sex addiction. He blames all this. I don't think it's true. what do I do? why won't he tell her straight about it meaning nothing as he says to me. I've spoken to her and she's told me a lot. I've told her now to stay away
Becoming obsessive about knowing the details can derail any reconciliation. The betrayed often doesn't see what their doing as abuse, or they feel it's justified. Nobody, even an unfaithful partner, full of shame and remorse, will suffer being a punching bag forever.
Not sure if you will read this one or not, but here it is. After D day, my wife cried for so long and was so tore up. Some of which was she felt she loved her boss. Of course, she claimed that she had told the whole story, I then buried myself in work for several years without any further discussion. One day, I saw very similar behaviors that threw me immediately into the past. I admit, I told her after 22 years, we either heal this or I cannot go on any more. Well, behaviors slowly stopped and we discovered just how much we hadn't healed. Suddenly, a lot of new disclosures over the one I knew about several years ago began to surface. We tried to be calm for the most part and discuss like adults, however, suddenly I found myself feeling completely unsafe all over again. Then comes some kind of insane stories with enormous gaps in memory when there would be all this hot and heavy activity and it would just stop. It was suggested the possibility of date rape drugs or had to do with some kind of dark magic from an Ouiji board they were using at that time and it became so insane I just had to say this is a horror story and I cannot believe anything. I know my wife isn't normally dishonest, however, with last years behaviors and those from a several years ago, I'm feeling quite crazy and yes, I want to run. But I promised that I would stay. The whole thing has been about her and the pain she has suffered, I have tried to be there as support while shoving my emotions and feelings under the rug. Now, I don't have a clue what to do anymore. Ready to give up...
They can remember enough to lie but not enough to be honest?
I am still finding out things . I was the one that discovered the affair. He has AMNESIA each time I ask something
I am currently dating the world's youngest Alzheimer's patient. He cant remember anything that happened when I ask
Yep
Going through same “memory loss”, poor dear has terrible brain loss 🙁
Me too
Drip feeding for fear of losing everything, your hitting the nail on the head.
The saddest part for me as a betrayed is that he told me that in the 6 years he cheated on me, he never once thought of me or how his behavior would affect me. How can I repair a marriage with a person who could be so selfish that they could shatter a heart and never give it a thought?
Definite sign he is a narcissist. You can’t change this type of person.
Same this is the very same discussion I've had with my wife for the same reasons..How could she have an affair but yet disregard me and our two old son at the same time
I get it
That is one of the things that bothered me the most too. Like "how could you NOT think of me, when every aspect of my life, every decision I make, literally everything I do every day revolves around you?" Strange thing is, that's incredibly common; the unfaithful have an ability to compartmentalize that seems unfathomable to those of us that don't have the ability.
But finding out why I was able to be cast aside so easily didn't make it hurt any less.
@@jmcrjc6799
1 year old son, but otherwise same
Why does one stay with an unfaithful partner? I keep forgiving after so many years. Why am I the one getting blamed for the cheating? What is wrong with me? How come I was never unfaithful ? I love him so much & it’s so painful
hi there. this may help explain it, as it's in many ways about shame: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame it will explain more about why you do what you do and why your spouse does what they do and then blames you for it. also, you'll enjoy this series on why people cheat as well; www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-why-did-they-cheat-part-one-the-role-of-oxytocin hope that helps you friend.
I'm right there with you... what is wrong with me that I keep subjecting myself to the painful discard
I can relate so much to this, I was like a crack rat in a maze seeking truth and answers but was constantly stone walled with “I don’t know” or “I can’t remember”
In the end, I just had to let it go to find peace within myself, however, I did let him know that I wasn’t buying it and if he thinks he’s fooling me he could think again.
We were using your videos to start our recovery (6 years after he cheated) and after this video, I just wanna give up. I feel like you're telling my husband it's okay not to tell me things. He always claims he doesn't remember. As a betrayed spouse, I need answers. Even small details matter to me. If my spouse doesn't fill in the gaps for me, it's in my nature to fill those gaps in myself. I can't help but fill them in with worst case scenarios. I feel really discouraged and wanna give up.
very sorry you feel that way my friend and that anything said would be hurtful or discouraging. it is one blog among hundreds and i do think i was fair in explaining both sides and at 6:50 i even say that if you're constantly deceiving me...i can't stay. unf spouses who are not healthy will use anything they can against their spouse because they want to deceive them and protect only themselves and i can't help those that don't want to get help. perhaps it's time for a lie detector? or an ultimatum? if you're in a situation where you're not getting the truth, maybe it's time for stronger boundaries. i hope you can still find hope.
S&F D I feel the same way. It’s been nearly 5 months and I still get “I don’t remember”
It feels like an excuse, like just another lie, like a cowardly way to stonewall. It hurts when already feeling worthless.
Truth. We the betrayed have a right to know every detail and the whole stinking truth!
Why would I believe anything he has told me , when he has lied for 2 years.
He can't remember this and that.
But I am sure he remembers sexual positions and how many times each time they met!
They chose to block out what they don't want us to know.
I am tired of the cheater always having an excuse for their choices they made knowingly!
They know exactly what their doing right before they choose to do so.
I hear , that wasn't me. I wasn't myself. Well it wasn't your ghost doing it.
They know the story from beginning to end.
They just choose to tell you enough to keep you out of the rest.
I never stopped loving you when I was doing this.
Yes you did , you stopped the moment you crossed the line!!!!!
There is no answer he can give you that is going to make you feel better, , you won’t get a better past by knowing any answers of the past , but you can have a better future, if you can stop torturing yourself seeking answers that just aren’t able to be given , I understand you are very very hurt, and I understand you want to hurt him as much as he hurt you, , but is that really any good for your recovery, and having a restored marriage and better future ?
Disclosure never was never initiated by him. And small pieces of possibly truth comes to the light because I discover them
Marant89 I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. I’ve dealt with that myself.
Yup!!! Not once has he disclosed anything unless I confronted him with irrefutable evidence.
I thought I was the only one.
Totally my story too.
I am glad that I am not only one.
Wish I had never ever gotten married. I was happy being single. Then I fall in love with a man that love bombed me. It was lies from the very beginning. I will never forgive him. I will never give my heart away ever again.
She said.. why do you have to know the details? What for?
Is this a right statement from an unfaithful partner?
And then... it changes! Makes it very hard to ever believe or.. forgive.. What am I really forgiving?
Bingo .... We're in our 7 month from the time she told me and She just came up with a different time line. It went from a couple of years to 3 or four to now it's what I refer to it as round 1 and round 2 . Round 2 is the time that reconnected a couple of years after our son was born until he sold his company in 2007 and she can't understand why I don't believe her at first when I ask her a question and the answer may sound fishy .
Even when he's telling me "every detail" I have a hard time trusting what he is saying. There was a slow drip of information for awhile. I had to investigate just to find out real truth. He lied to me about who she was. A week later I found out is was a coworker he was having an affair with for 4 months right after our daughter was born. Just lies after lies.
Samuel, what do you do when your spouse has purposely deleted all of the text messages between the affair partners? Hundred of them. How do you go on knowing that he protected her and himself this way and left me in the dark?
That was my wife answers to me when we were talking about her afairs, She just wouldn't tell the truth about it, she just wanted to seep it under the rug and move on like it never happened. She would never say let's work together to fine the answers. Another thing she say was let's not talk about it,were getting along ,I don't want to argue about it. Ya,try getting any were with that
Exactly what is happening to me I have no caught red handed evidence so now I think I am going crazy and not getting any true answers
I didn’t find out for decades what went on with my wife, she tells me all the time she doesn’t remember. I’m destroyed inside. But I’m staying , my family is important.
I'd be slightly less unhappy if he actually told me anything! 'I can't remember' is the biggest get out for him. I know he's lying but I can't force him to tell me the truth. And each week and month that passes, he is losing me by inches.
I know this is an older video, but I'm hoping someone can still answer my question.... What if he doesn't remember because he was drunk or high?
I feel like it's more frustrating because he literally doesn't know what happened, just knows he woke up somewhere and didn't know how he got there....
It also doesn't make what he did okay or excusable. Is there a video on this topic?
hi holly. sometimes a lie detector is key and something to utilize. sometimes, it's an approach that says " i know enough to heal and move on with strict boundaries in place, as we move forward." there are not a ton of options when they truly don't remember. if they are lying that they don't remember, then it's a very difficult spot to be in and usually requires expert help, boundaries and maybe even an ultimatum or two and the enforcement of those boundaries.
I also agreed to take a lie detector test...i will do whatever it takes to fix my marriage...i love my husband and I've never been with anyone else💔
I’ve told my husband i wish I could take a lie detector test because I have been certain- OVER 100% CERTAIN -that I had never and would never in the future cheat on him in any way shape or form nor sha see😅😂🎉❤😊😅
Why do I still have unanswered questions about an affair my wife had with a close friend and my boss 35 years ago. We stayed together for the sake of our 2 small children. We have not had any infidelity, as far as I know for all those years. I still love her and she loves me , but something lately has triggered my need for more information. I haven't mentioned for 35 years but now I want to know how did it start, how long did it last, did you love each other, did he come to our house, and many other questions. She says she has no memory of anything but one ride in his car and park and talk.
At the time , she said he was going to leave his wife and she thought they were in love.
Now she doesn't or won't recall anything. He was 19 years older than her. I can't stop thinking about it everyday at anytime , it pops in my mind.
running from it won't help. something seems to have triggered it so perhaps it's time to confront some unresolved issues or feelings.
Expecting her to remember details like that - from 35 years ago - doesn't seem reasonable. Even a few years muddies the waters - especially for the . And Samuel has a video where he says that things like 'reasons' change for the unfaithful over time. And - details that are specific- first kiss, positions, times, days, which hotel, positions.. are details probably lost to time, just like emotions of the time will be. In your case, it's also quite possible that since it was shameful and hurt her relationship with you, holding on to those memories would have been traumatic and damaging. Nothing is worse for the unfaithful than being asked a question, especially a minute detail, and being accused of lying when in fact, the details are truly forgotten. You might get an answer, but it might be what she thinks she might have been feeling or possibly doing back then. Chances are, it won't be accurate. It's human nature to overthink, but fixating on the past or worrying about the future too much will rob you of the present moment.
What even worse is when the unfaithful leaves so they don't have to explain why they cheated. so whenever you want details they will say, " what's the point?".
agreed. it hurts like hell for sure.
this is all so eerily accurate. Sounds exactly like my marriage. I need 1+1 to equal 2 always, so when it isn’t I know there is something and I have yet to be wrong. and finally the one thing he took years to finally say and it made sense and i didnt get that hunch anynore .
lying by omission. I remember exactly what he said and he doesn't remember. I divorce him after almost 40 years and multiple affairs.
I want you to know that I (the betrayed) was referred to your page through Reddit, and every video is an exact representation of what I am feeling inside. I have been hurting for about a month and a half since D-Day, and I feel crazy, but I am learning that I am not alone. I now know that these feelings that I never thought I would feel (and these seemingly crazy behaviors I never thought would come from me, like pain shopping, stalking the AP online, wanting to search through her phone, etc) are shared by many, and that helps a lot. Lots of good info and help here, and I will share with everybody that needs it. Thank you!!
Dallas Moye - I hope by now you are feeling better. The same happened to me, it was hard to me to work because my job requires a lot of analysis and concentration. 3 years had passed, I’m better but not in a optimal level. The hardest part is my self esteem because he cheated with someone who is the opposite physically, emotionally and spiritually. I don’t know if I ever goin to make it. God bless you.
I am going through this in this moment. Just sent the unfaithful a few videos. Hopefully we can discuss it and move forward one way or another so we can both be happy. My prayers are with you. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
I can believe some of this but I found several affairs and obsessions with other women yet I always get I don't remember when I do we will talk and then it never happens. I'm tired of waiting on his truths and it's not ok if I heal from here it will be on my own with no hope in healing together and I'm sorry but I call bullshit.......
My wife had a 4 year affair which I found out about earlier this year. I was trying to rekindle our marriage, but I discovered a recent FaceTime call (it said it was cancelled) to the same person she had the affair with. She keeps telling me she cannot remember making the call, because she had been drinking, but I don't believe her. She's so manipulative, it's difficult.
I hope you left her.
I get bits and pieces of detail... Crazy!
Yeah I got D-Dayed over and over again with multiple blackouts where she just couldn't remember. The only time the past was ever brought up was after seeing her blackout drunk and doing questionable cheating things. When the alcoholic chooses not to change the behavior that causes the pain and causes her over and over and over again then they truly do not care about your feelings. It wasn't till after the divorce that I found out she was seeing her affair partner on one of these supposed blackout drunk nights. Zero closure and multiple children of divorce in the wake of her addiction lying and cheating.
It's been about 7 1/2 months since I found out what my wife was up to. We had 2 conversations about the details of the cheating after which she told me that she was "never having this conversation again" in that conversation she had disclosed that she had sex with one guy, one time, and "made out" a few times with another. However whenever she refers to her sex life during that time (we were separated, but never filed for divorce) she always uses plural words, like "people". Why would she use "people" instead of "him" or just say his name if she only had sex with 1 guy? Based on the information she has given me, and some of the things I have heard her say I am 90% sure that there was at least 3 different men. I haven't confronted her about yet, not sure if I will.
hi david, it sounds like there are lots of open points of confusion that will make it hard to heal and move forward. this article may help explain why you need to know everything (to a certain extent) to heal and regain trust: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell
I’m that betrayed person… I’m harping on it constantly. My spouse doesn’t remember details. But the information has changed nothing crazy… However now the information contrasts what was said then maintained then changed again. How do I heal? How do I self heal? How do I trust wholly. Not partially? Thank you.
it's very tough. i would get expert help involved to find out what exactly has happened and what you're forgiving, what you're choosing to live with and what is the next step for you both. without expert help, you're sort of winging it and that will be extremely hard to manage and cope with.
Thanks to you and Samantha for sharing. My unfaithful and I separated after trying to heal for 12 mos. but continued to try to rebuild.
I knew in my spirit that he was communicating with the 2 AP, he denied it for weeks. He told me I needed to apologize to him for the accusation. Long story short this was 3 mos ago, 20 mos in total since the first d day. He finally admitted to calling them one time., I asked to see his phone detail he refused and said I was on a witch hunt. :( This scenario has played out like this at least 30 times. He usually always tells me what I need as far as access to his accounts and to let the rest go. I believe We have reached the end. Could I get your thoughts on asking for full transparency ?
it's normal you would want full disclosure. you could ask him to do a lie detector as that may help. you could also ask him to do the ems weekend, as we do in fact do full disclosure at the weekend. here are some thoughts on why you need to have it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell it's normal and healthy that you would want full disclosure. it's something that unless you have it, it's really tough to heal. some are able to say i know enough to heal and move on. but, if there is new info, it's tough. like he finally admitting to calling one time is tough. it's not the end of the world, but it's tough to process and leads you to think there is more. it doesn't mean there is. but i do think you need to have a moment where you have full disclosure for sure.
I have done some horrible things, i had an emotional affair and i had numerous guys that i talked to on social media...i sent pics and posted all kinds and i lied because i couldnt remember and i thought any information was better than no infirmation when he was backin me into a corner and pressing me...i really cant remember every little detail and i even went as far as tryin to have someone go thru my phone and bring it all up but all the professionals told me it was not possible to retrieve stuff like that off a phone once its completely deleted because the phone automatically starts to override all the data and this is so awful...i hate what i did to him💔
What happens when you tell them everything and you got into Street details of the affair and then they can’t handle it and they wish they never heard any of it
Straight*
The truth no matter how painful its better than what the betrayed will create in their mind without knowledge of the details.
It shows how insignificant it is and you are to them, especially when it was a short affair and you're only asking the basics.
What if you really don't remember details???
sometimes you can get professional help to assist you in digging deeper to remember. it's also a good idea to commit to trying to remember and when you do remember details to share them with your partner.
Can you be more specific with timeline of when to stop finding or looking for answers
Do you have any resources for healing for the betrayed when the female affair partner is pregnant?
thank you for your comment. i'm sorry, that's one of the toughest situations to face in this world of infidelity. I don't have any sources to share, but you may find a question or two in the Recovery Library of Affair Recovery.com as Rick may address that. it's a difficult situation, but not without hope. there will need to be clear boundaries for sure. this article will help when it comes to trust though and moving forward: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust-0
She couldn't remember. Fine. Our situation had more important issues to work out (drugs, personality disorders, etc). Fine. We agreed to put it on hold until she was in a better place. Now her therapist says that we're just "picking at a scab." It hasn't scabbed over! Are you serious?! We haven't talked about it much at all
What do you do when an unfaithful spouse i call him like that because he has done it before tells you is over... and all the signs show that he is with some body.. and he still denies it all the way ....and we come from a Christian faith
you may consider a lie detector. i would also consider getting an expert therapist involved as well.
The part I can’t get past is he knew how bad he would hurt me making the choices he made BEFORE he made them but he chose to cheat and he even had an emotional affair for 19 years with yet another woman. He did what he did to me with eyes wide open. Now he has to witness what he did to me everyday. NOW he’s sorry. NOW he regrets it. I intend to make his life pure hell until he’s finally gone and out of my life forever! Keep um zipped up guys or get a divorce first!!! You’re destroying peoples lives for your own pleasure!
Or if you find more
I know don't want to know what he did but why he did it
Oh how I needed to hear this today. I am the one who uncovered the affair and I was the one left with a million questions that were apparently never going to be answered. If it were up to him this is never to be spoken about. So it has turned me into the detective I never wanted to be. Looking at phone records, bank statements and text messages only to prove what I already knew and then some. I cannot change what's already been done. I can however stop the pain that is brought upon from every Revelation. I want to heal and need to heal.
My wife had a one night thing as she says that happened when she took some pills she thought were one thing but were something different and she ended up sleeping with one of her sisters fiance's friends one nightand she's now pregnant with his kid. As far as I know here doesn't know yet but the pain of my wife whom I already have 2 kids with is pregnant with another man's child and she refuses tti give it up for adoption. She had to give up one child before we got together and she says she can't do it again but we're struggling to care for the 2 we already have together and ways l wants to and another that's not even mine cause she says she can't give up another baby
What about the one that claims to have zero memory about one of the affair or the partner and trickle truths the others.
I'm happy to see I am not crazy. I'm the unfaithful and there were many things I truly didn't remember. I've always had a bad memory anyways, but in my case I think it also had to do with that I confessed the affair almost 2 years after I had ended it. And I hated SO SO SO SO SO much what I did and was so disgusted with what I did that I buried those memories very deep down. Eventually my husband contacted the other person to get more details. It was excruciating and absolutely horrible but I am glad that he now has the full story. Now I pray that my husband will be willing to work towards reconciliation, I'd rather die than ever doing something like that again.
so glad you're here and finding help my friend. it's a tough road, but not an impossible one and you don't have to do it alone.
I'm the unfaithful I wish I will lose memory of it all. :'( It's so shameful and it's not really my personality.
But even their recollection of it is probably not really accurate. Two years is a long time - and we aren't computers. Time will modify memories.
I feel like because I don’t have solid proof and my gut and a bunch of alledged coincidences he is lying and I feel like I am crazy?
He is saying he doesn’t know or I don’t remember or it wasn’t like that when I give him the instances of what I have witnessed.,leading me to believe something was going on between him and a family member who was staying with us.
@@verapena9465 have you considered a polygraph? that may be the next step as well to consider.
I don’t know how accurate it would be and I doubt he would agree to it
@@samshealingpodcast I've considered this as well.... but would it work on someone who has supposedly blocked out these memories?
@@verapena9465 polygraph would definitely be a good idea, but I think you’re scared to even do that knowing the truth.
Does full disclosure mean disclosing who the affair partner is?
yes. here's an article and video that will help on disclosure: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell
Overcoming Infidelity
hey thank you
I was wondering, could I send you a private message about my situation?
I feel like my situation has some features which I could really use your input on if you have time please?
We haven’t started the boot camp yet but we will in a couple of days.
If this is ok, I think I can receive private messages on TH-cam.
Thank you
God Bless
@@Kili098 you'll have to message the site through info@hope-now.com and ask them put send it to me. i only respond to super brief email. thank you
Overcoming Infidelity
Hi Sam
Sent the email. Sorry it took so long, things have changed. I kept it as brief as I could
Thank you for your time
I’m the cheated on partner so my agenda is knowing the truth. However, your comments about asking for a lie detector test, and concluding its time to end the relationship if refused is not fair. Such tests are unreliable and getting a false positives or a false negative could, itself, cause serious relationship trauma. If i was telling the truth, i would refuse the test BECAUSE i knew i was truthful.
every situation is remarkably different. betrayed spouses have options and unfaithful spouses (if they want their spouse to feel safe) need to be willing to do whatever it takes to help their spouse heal and feel safe. if not, they will be seen as deceptive and unsafe. fair is relative and every situation has different nuances to it. sorry you didn't like the video or comments.
I am going through this right now. How can details be forgotten. How?
I still cannot understand how no details can be remembered. No name, no face, not timeframe, no place. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just get I know I cheated on you.
😢I can’t handle this…
In my situation I don't want a play by play but just certain questions I have that he is unwilling to answer. I get met with I don't know, I can't remember, and it was all a lie. I have felt so stuck. I am working hard on my healing and trauma but if my husband would just actually talk with me without thinking I am trying to rake him through the coals. I am trying really hard to learn trust but it is hard. While he is just business as usual. Well it seems that way. Idk I question why I even stay.
My partner who I've known for 11 year. and been together for 6 with a three year old has been going back to the same woman for 23 years. He told me 2 years ago so I confronted her. He said he would never go back there again. I believed him. more fool me. I asked her and she said he has be back since and she won't let him go. she doesn't chase him. He goes to her late on weekend night. I hate them both so much. He said he would on front her. He says he doesn't love her and it's just a sex opposite to what she says. I am broken beyond belief. He doesn't want to lose me but as much as he says he won't stay awayfromher life. He is 44 and I'm 32 and she 53. He gets angry and says that's enough if I bring it up. He has lied and lied. He us bipolar not says he has a sex addiction. He blames all this. I don't think it's true. what do I do? why won't he tell her straight about it meaning nothing as he says to me. I've spoken to her and she's told me a lot. I've told her now to stay away
Becoming obsessive about knowing the details can derail any reconciliation. The betrayed often doesn't see what their doing as abuse, or they feel it's justified. Nobody, even an unfaithful partner, full of shame and remorse, will suffer being a punching bag forever.
Not sure if you will read this one or not, but here it is. After D day, my wife cried for so long and was so tore up. Some of which was she felt she loved her boss. Of course, she claimed that she had told the whole story, I then buried myself in work for several years without any further discussion. One day, I saw very similar behaviors that threw me immediately into the past. I admit, I told her after 22 years, we either heal this or I cannot go on any more. Well, behaviors slowly stopped and we discovered just how much we hadn't healed. Suddenly, a lot of new disclosures over the one I knew about several years ago began to surface. We tried to be calm for the most part and discuss like adults, however, suddenly I found myself feeling completely unsafe all over again. Then comes some kind of insane stories with enormous gaps in memory when there would be all this hot and heavy activity and it would just stop. It was suggested the possibility of date rape drugs or had to do with some kind of dark magic from an Ouiji board they were using at that time and it became so insane I just had to say this is a horror story and I cannot believe anything. I know my wife isn't normally dishonest, however, with last years behaviors and those from a several years ago, I'm feeling quite crazy and yes, I want to run. But I promised that I would stay. The whole thing has been about her and the pain she has suffered, I have tried to be there as support while shoving my emotions and feelings under the rug. Now, I don't have a clue what to do anymore. Ready to give up...
At some point in time you need to consider you and if thus is how you want to live. I wish you well.
My wife claims God said he forgives her and she is not to speak of the affair
yes yes yes