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There was a friendly little old man customer at a store I once worked at. He came through my register, and when I asked him if he wanted a bag (A common question where I live, because even a few years ago, we charged for them and many people preferred to bring their own) he promptly replied, and with a grin on his face, "I've already got one, thanks. She's waiting in the car!" That one cracked me up, indeed.
The spouse jokes reminded me of one where the wife played one on her husband. They were at a party with his work and they never meet her before. One of his coworkers came up to them and said “oh this must be your wife” The wife without missing a beat turned to her husband and shouts “you have a wife!?!” I would feel so sorry for that coworker thinking he messed up.
Came across this one, husband and wife in an elevator, leaving after a visit to an obstetrician. The visibly pregnant wife suddenly announces to everybody "When will you tell your wife about me?" Amazing how quiet that elevator went.
i was having a conversation with a group of people when doing a lab in bio. my group wanted me to do something not nice or something idk but they said "fall into peer pressure". I calmly replied "i dont fall into peer pressure, i fall into my morals." i dont believe I have a better one
My son and his friend were standing outside a convienece, when this happened. My son was talking to his friend who was smoking. Suddenly, this big, thick woman came up to them and and said, Do you know what smoking does to your body? Without missing a beat my son's friend replied, Do you know what McDonald's does to your's? She walked off muttering to herself.
My math teacher when I was 15 would say "Act your age, not your shoe size" one day she says this to one of the guys in the class and he responds "my age is my shoe size."
When I was in highschool me and this chick had detention, next day I walk into class and she says out loud to me "how was it having to stay after school?" And I turned around and said "you tell me you were there too" she got so pissed😅
As my sister-in-law and I were leaving a concert years ago some dude decided to flash us. My sister-in-law got all embarrassed. and upset, blurting out "Did you just see what that guy did?" I just calmly continued on walking and replied loud enough for him to hear "I don't bother with LITTLE boys."
I always got made fun of cause of my weight. One of my bullies would always call me a fat cow.. Well one day out of no where he did it again and I just replied with "Moo, Mothereffer" in the most deadpan serious of tone I could come up with. Kinda threw him off base and his cohort of friends too. They stopped calling me a cow after that.
Back in the 1960’s UK TV on a Sunday had religious discussion programmes. This one day they had the Rev. Ian Paisley, a right wing Unionist politician from Northern Ireland on the show and Malcolm Muggeridge, a Journalist, satirist and ethics commentator. Paisley said something aggressive and reactionary, as he usually did and Muggeridge responded ‘I shall treat that remark with the contempt it deserves. Go back to the insignificance from which you should never have come’. It was said with such politeness, aplomb and pertinence that Rev. Paisley shut up for the rest of the show!🤣🤣🤣
My grandpa used to complain that, “you women are always late. You’d be late to your own funeral.” My daughter was eight when she asked, “ You wanted us early?” My grandpa roared laughing and never used that expression again. 😂
My favorite historical, possibly apocryphal, comeback comes from the Algonquin Round Table in the 1920s. it had just been reported that Calvin Coolidge had passed away. Most commonly quoted is Dorothy Parker’s response: “How Could they Tell?” My favorite is Robert benchley’s response: “he was smiling.” Good thing that Herbert Hoover made everyone happy afterwards.
I remember back when I was in middle school, this bigger kid said to me “you need a shower” I immediately clapped back with “and you need a treadmill” Had others in class laughing and saw the teacher holding back laughter. We were friends so it wasn’t all that serious.
I don’t know if this would count as a comeback, but I felt pretty witty. So in high school English, there was this kid who I didn’t really like. He asked the teacher what the difference between assault and insult was. I don’t know what over came me, but I turned towards him so fast and responded, “assault would be if I attacked you. Insult would be if I called you an idiot.” I don’t remember him responding but the teacher seemed a little taken aback but nodded that I was right.
In 6 th grade, my twin brother and another kid were in an insulting match. My brother was just insulting about how this other kids dad over dosed when he was younger. Other kid insulting my twins haircut, looks and just other random stuff. Then he says to my brother "Your mom is the definition of ugly" and the entire lunch table erupts in laughter, my self included, my twin even chuckled and said " And your dad is the definition of dead" as the lunch table erupts in laughter even more, that was the last roasting match on the year
This may be apocryphal, although the available evidence tends to back it up. Lady Margot Asquith was introduced to Jean Harlow at a party. Harlow persisted in calling her "Mar-gott", pronouncing and stressing the "t" in Margot. Finally, tried beyond endurance, the famously acid-tongued and quick-witted peer replied, "No, no dear. The "T" is silent - as in Harlow."
One of the best retorts I've ever heard of is when author and criic Dorothy Parker was told that President Calvin Coolidge had died. "How can they tell?"
I remember this exchange with cops and some prankster kids that hang out by my job. Kid "Hey, officer, you wanna see my nuts" (gives confused wtf look goes over to Sargent and brings him over). Kid (to both officers now). Hey, im gonna show you my nuts (holds up peanut can) Sargent: "Hey you wanna see a pussy?" Kid sure Sargent: "Well turn around and look straight ahead" (looks into a mirror and gets defeated look everyone laughs).
Another classic Churchill one... WOMAN: "Sir Winston, you are drunk!" CHURCHILL: "And madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be ugly." And this one isn't so much a comeback as an insult... CHURCHILL: "Madam, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?" WOMAN: "Why, yes, Mr. Churchill, I would." CHURCHILL: "Madam, would you sleep with me for one pound?" WOMAN: "Why, Mr. Churchill! What kind of lady do you think I am?" CHURCHILL: "Madam, we've already established what kind of lady you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
The best of and most numerous of compliments on my looks over the 65 years of my life has been "Well... Your not Ugly..." So Mr. Churchill was speaking of the category of looks I fall into.
My math teacher told me to go to hell once. I was like, are you allowed to say that? A different math teacher said I was stupid and poor. Yep, maybe one, but not both :P
Me: "Class was absolutely crazy!" The jerk in the class: "Wait?' Me: The jerk: "WAIT?" Me: The jerk: "Who asked?" Me: "Um...why are you asking me? Don't you hate me?" The jerk:
My recent favorite is a YT vid called 'He's Bully Proof'... KID ONE: 'Your weiner's the size of a Tic Tac.' KID TWO: 'That's why your mom's breath smells so good...'
6:13 I would’ve responded with, “I’m sorry, but I’m less snake and more crow, so go on and slither out of here like the serpent you are!” Edit: the reason I would’ve said crow is because I know that I am intelligent, and so wanted to make a comparison to what is basically one of the smartest animals out there.
Friend got married in September 2013, they bought a dog as a joint wedding gift (female, a cute black labrador). Two years later, wife moved out to another guy. Splitting their assets, she basically took most of decorations, furniture, some kitchen appliances. Then, she sat with my friend and ask him: "You know, I am moving from this small flat to a big house with garden, maybe dog should come with me?" To which my guy responded: "Take the washing machine, take the bed and the matress, even dissasemble the wardrobe in the bedroom, but, for the love of God, let me have at least one loyal b!tch in my house." I was not there to see it, but just when my friend finished this part, she entered his place to take her clothes while her dude was in the car downstairs. My smile and muffled hysterical laughter were enough to let her know that I know.
Another retort for "Can I ask a stupid question?" "Better than anyone I know." Spur of the moment wisecrack I made at a Christmas party where we were playing whose line is it anyway? Let's call him Charlie (he's being a counsellor): "Come on, guys. Calm down. We can work it out." Me, pretending to be very angry, "We can work it out? Who do you think you are, The Beatles?" This set off some laughter. I must have done all right, because I won that particular game. :)
I was at a party some years ago. The hostess of the party- a friend, mind you- has a rather large and brassy personality and, at one point in the evening, I commented as such. Hearing my comment, she turned to me and said, "You couldn't handle me if I came with instructions!' to which I (unexpectedly) responded, "Woman, if you came with instructions, they'd most likely be printed in another language that, when translated into English, still wouldn't make any damned sense!" There was a moment of stunned silence as everyone in the room took a second to digest what I had said. Then, there was a collective, "DAYUM!" and the room exploded with laughter. My friend came over and hugged me with tears in her eyes from laughing. Good times!
A while ago I was working for a high-end contractor specializing in historic houses, churches, and rich people. I was doing something with a cordless screwgun to the ceiling of a 300-year-old rowhouse a few blocks from Independence Hall. It had been bought by a South American millionaire lady. When her boy-toy came into the room where I was working, he said to me in a very derisive voice, "when this house was built, they didn't have cordless tools!" I looks down at him, and said in the same tone of voice, "what are you talking about? That's ALL they had!" He turned around, and fled the room.
I was in science my teacher said something along the lines "The marker does not mix water as though its attracted to itself." I said it out loud without realizing it, "That marker has more self confidence then a teenager." With a deadpan voice, my teacher laughed at it and said yup thats true.
I once had someone who way WAY too young to smoke ask me for a cigarette. I told them, "Sorry, I don't smoke." As I puffed on a cigarette. They had no idea what to say to that.
My favorite is one of my own: I used to work in customer service for the agency that pays Military Retirees. Every January when annual pay raises (COLAs) went into effect, some old dude, with too much time on his hands, would call and WHINE about how come the Active Duty COLA was higher than the one the retirees were getting. Without missing a beat, I answered, "Because you're not getting SHOT at anymore." ABSOLUTE SILENCE. EVERY SINGLE TIME. [and NO, I was not fired for this comeback!]
I remember one time when I was in like 4th grade and my class was I think getting back from lunch bc we were in line, and someone behind me made a “Yo Mama” joke to me. And me being a naive little girl who loved her mom very much, I was personally offended by it. Unfortunately, I don’t remember exactly what was said either by me or the joker kid, but I do remember that my response was savage enough to make the entire line go *_“OOOHHHHHHHH!”_*
I was behind a friend of mine in line at a grocery store once and when the cashier asked if he "wanted his bleach in a bag" he replied with "just leave it in the jug, it'll be easier to pour". Funniest part was she didn't get it until after he'd left and she was ringing my stuff up. I use this line every chance I get now
A twit of a guy confronted me once about money owed. I run an association he hadn't payed his homeowners dues, not an h.o.a. After informing him that he was late and needed to take care of this he got pissy saying you don't want to play hard ball with him. I'm a 5'3" female. He was 6'. I looked at him responding Don't worry I got a bigger bat. My husband chuckled about that. The first time i had a come back that wasn't at 3 am.
Not one I did but someone in my class. Basically I have a very chaotic history class, no one real behaves and there’s one girl who really tries but isn’t the brightest and has difficulty reading. Because of this she often gets laughed at, not bullied really but mocked, especially from one boy in the class who I’ll call Jacob. Now one time this girl asked or said something and people laghed. Miss scalded them saying it was an honest mistake or a fair question and that it wasn’t funny. Jacob responded “it kind of is miss you have to admit” Miss said “no it’s not funny the classroom is supposed to be a safe space” He instantly shot back “American schools aren’t safe” most of the class erupted in laughter and even miss smiled slightly. We’re a British school by the way and he was referring to school shootings in the USA.
One of the guys in class GC was being a smartass and a creep to a girl. So me and my friend, on new year's ever made several memes on him (viciously funny) and posted them on the gc. Everyone went nuts. He left our whatsapp group after that. He downloaded discord, made the few who were clowning him. Then sent a message ,"I'll fuck everybody's mom". I said, "Is your name Everybody?"
I once accidentally said “I don’t remember asking” to someone. Basically someone started talking about how well he did at football and I, having no interest in football, said “I have no recollection of myself inquiring about your football game” or something like that. Basically a more formal way of saying I didn’t ask but I didn’t intentionally paraphrase that it just kind of happened.
Me and one of the football players got into it and i got tired of daily bs he called me gay and i replied with if i wanted a comeback from you id wipe your lips off dead silence followed by raucous laughter
Oh i remember one i did...more of a witty comeback than a sick burn. I was talking to the teacher in my college class talking about rushing and thats why i didnt have something (its been 5 years i dont remember what) and this nosy nelly butts in and asks "why was you rushin? Was you late?" And i answered with "no, i was rushin cause i changed my nationality." The teacher was the only one who laughed.
This is on Instagram. There is a reel about a newborn was accidentally hit by a nurse on the head and started crying and 15 years later the "I'm free" meme from TikTok. This guy in the comment: Who let him out of the sped class? Me: Who let you out of humanity class?
So, my cousin was making fun of my weight, and my grandfather (keep in mine, me, and my cousin are both his grandchildren) says to my cousin, "Well, you ain't no slimjim either!" 😂 I miss that man
Let me tell one So all my friends have started calling me magic cause when ever my friends want their girlfriends to go way they call me over and tell all disappear even my mom
at 38 I was in diesel mechanic's school and was getting razzed for being " old" and I finally snapped at this young girl. I said " After graduation why don't you get married and make some else;s life miserable ?! " The others with me laffed and she slinked away !!
A co-worker and I were having a disagreement when he suddenly sighed and said, "I'm starting to think I should just add the word 'a**hole' to the end of every sentence when I talk to you." Credit where it is due, that's an instant classic.😂😂😂😂
When asked by my wife what the name of my girlfriend was I responded , I can't afford the woman I've got what in the world would I do with another one ? I was always truthful with her and she rarely believed me . Her loss , been divorced 25y now still single , I learn from my mistakes . I guess that's the reason why I'm no longer broke .
Got bullied in school when I was younger enough and wasn't the kind to think up swift words to say a shit at the time, not quick enough anyhow. So I made sure I would not end up to High School with the same people on my class. As in - I arranged myself to spend a year in another a country as an exchange student. When I came back year later to go on with the year younger students - that class was absolutely and entirely different - but about year later yet, some others from my old class came back having done the same thing I did, only well, year later. And that started from time to time eat into the class spirit cause those rats just did not know how to behave. So towards end of High School, few weeks before the finals, we had one of those really useless classes when the teacher brings in some older people from some university or which ever other educational institution to tell us how much fun they have arranging parties and such in their next place of education - never even actually bothering to tell us, what the fuck one studies there and what sort of professions you will have for choosing that path. I was annoyed and tired. I would have preferred to spend the time prepping for the finals - and thus walking out the class - I told our class boss after yawning that it was boring, useless and entirely waste of time to have to join for those classes given that there would have been more important prepping to do before the finals. Before she even managed to say a thing - one of those rats started to imitate my voice and words, probably assuming that someone would laugh at me as we walked down the stairs. The class boss commented off the topic, saying that she was still upset over the class party we had the weekend before, where some people had broken things at her house. Mind you, not home of her parents - her very own house. Saying that she didn't know why all those things began to happen in our class on the last year, when it wasn't our way to begin with. I got that she was ignoring the person for me on purpose. But that gave me just enough time to blurt a bit stuttering out a question asking 'Have you ever heard such a feminine voice on a man?' That's when he never again tried any of his shit on me, and I tell you, just trying to imitate your voice or words is not that huge of a deal. I mean, there had been a ton of crap before that - so I told the class boss while that guy was still in range of hearing that sadly our class got stuffed with a number of people from my old class, which I purposefully escaped doing what I had done with the exchange year. And that class was not one with any sense of manners or decency even towards it's own - they were literally known for trashing places where they arranged parties - and thus could no longer have any, as people would not agree to it. And so they would crash now the parties of the other classes - especially if set a class had some of their former class mates. While I wanted nothing to do with those people - some of them did get the heads up likely from people who had been stuffed with us. So it was no wonder things started to go bad. Anyhow - she asked into the matter further and a couple of those people were there after banned from all of the rest of the parties left. And that did turn things back towards the way they were. I am still surprised no-one had realized before what was happening. But then again, those people in my High School class were really kind, sweet and welcoming - having been all together since they were kids. So I figure they just weren't expecting the shit. Not that it necessarily results to that kind of people, cause my old class before them, had been together the same way - they just were the very opposite. But I can just assume, that's why they didn't instantly realize where all the mess started to slowly leak in from - while for me it was a saddening reality almost instantly... until then. Stupidly that short of a thing isn't even something you can warn others about - cause of the way it sounds to those who haven't had the experience of it before. I still wish I had known to tell about it somehow before. But for myself, I feel so damned proud about trashing his voice when he had been trying to use mine to do the old sort of crap on me. No that guy wasn't the worst among them - but he was part of the same gang who always would put the mess. Such a tiny and insignificant victory, but very satisfying. And no, the following parties we still had didn't run into the 'trash it squad' so at least that's a bonus.
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There was a friendly little old man customer at a store I once worked at. He came through my register, and when I asked him if he wanted a bag (A common question where I live, because even a few years ago, we charged for them and many people preferred to bring their own) he promptly replied, and with a grin on his face, "I've already got one, thanks. She's waiting in the car!" That one cracked me up, indeed.
The spouse jokes reminded me of one where the wife played one on her husband. They were at a party with his work and they never meet her before. One of his coworkers came up to them and said “oh this must be your wife”
The wife without missing a beat turned to her husband and shouts “you have a wife!?!”
I would feel so sorry for that coworker thinking he messed up.
Came across this one, husband and wife in an elevator, leaving after a visit to an obstetrician.
The visibly pregnant wife suddenly announces to everybody "When will you tell your wife about me?"
Amazing how quiet that elevator went.
A person at self check out was having trouble scanning a 24 pack of toilet paper. I said to them, "Looks like you got some serious shit going down '
i was having a conversation with a group of people when doing a lab in bio. my group wanted me to do something not nice or something idk but they said "fall into peer pressure". I calmly replied "i dont fall into peer pressure, i fall into my morals." i dont believe I have a better one
I was always proud of how I replied when my mum told me to grow up and act my age: "Im 13 years old Mum! I __am__ acting my age!"
Older/oldest sibiling, are you?
Im 14 and i get told that as the oldest so probably
My son and his friend were standing outside a convienece, when this happened. My son was talking to his friend who was smoking. Suddenly, this big, thick woman came up to them and and said, Do you know what smoking does to your body? Without missing a beat my son's friend replied, Do you know what McDonald's does to your's? She walked off muttering to herself.
My math teacher when I was 15 would say "Act your age, not your shoe size" one day she says this to one of the guys in the class and he responds "my age is my shoe size."
@@PolinaLee94 nope! Youngest
When I was in highschool me and this chick had detention, next day I walk into class and she says out loud to me "how was it having to stay after school?" And I turned around and said "you tell me you were there too" she got so pissed😅
As my sister-in-law and I were leaving a concert years ago some dude decided to flash us. My sister-in-law got all embarrassed. and upset, blurting out "Did you just see what that guy did?" I just calmly continued on walking and replied loud enough for him to hear "I don't bother with LITTLE boys."
Lady Astor: Winston, you are drunk! Winston Churchill: And, you are ugly...I, however, shall be sober in the morning.
I always got made fun of cause of my weight. One of my bullies would always call me a fat cow.. Well one day out of no where he did it again and I just replied with "Moo, Mothereffer" in the most deadpan serious of tone I could come up with. Kinda threw him off base and his cohort of friends too. They stopped calling me a cow after that.
wtf I need to catch my breath
Back in the 1960’s UK TV on a Sunday had religious discussion programmes. This one day they had the Rev. Ian Paisley, a right wing Unionist politician from Northern Ireland on the show and Malcolm Muggeridge, a Journalist, satirist and ethics commentator. Paisley said something aggressive and reactionary, as he usually did and Muggeridge responded ‘I shall treat that remark with the contempt it deserves. Go back to the insignificance from which you should never have come’. It was said with such politeness, aplomb and pertinence that Rev. Paisley shut up for the rest of the show!🤣🤣🤣
My grandpa used to complain that, “you women are always late. You’d be late to your own funeral.” My daughter was eight when she asked, “ You wanted us early?” My grandpa roared laughing and never used that expression again. 😂
My favorite historical, possibly apocryphal, comeback comes from the Algonquin Round Table in the 1920s. it had just been reported that Calvin Coolidge had passed away. Most commonly quoted is Dorothy Parker’s response: “How Could they Tell?” My favorite is Robert benchley’s response: “he was smiling.” Good thing that Herbert Hoover made everyone happy afterwards.
I remember back when I was in middle school, this bigger kid said to me “you need a shower”
I immediately clapped back with “and you need a treadmill”
Had others in class laughing and saw the teacher holding back laughter. We were friends so it wasn’t all that serious.
I don’t know if this would count as a comeback, but I felt pretty witty. So in high school English, there was this kid who I didn’t really like. He asked the teacher what the difference between assault and insult was. I don’t know what over came me, but I turned towards him so fast and responded, “assault would be if I attacked you. Insult would be if I called you an idiot.” I don’t remember him responding but the teacher seemed a little taken aback but nodded that I was right.
In 6 th grade, my twin brother and another kid were in an insulting match. My brother was just insulting about how this other kids dad over dosed when he was younger. Other kid insulting my twins haircut, looks and just other random stuff. Then he says to my brother "Your mom is the definition of ugly" and the entire lunch table erupts in laughter, my self included, my twin even chuckled and said " And your dad is the definition of dead" as the lunch table erupts in laughter even more, that was the last roasting match on the year
This may be apocryphal, although the available evidence tends to back it up. Lady Margot Asquith was introduced to Jean Harlow at a party. Harlow persisted in calling her "Mar-gott", pronouncing and stressing the "t" in Margot. Finally, tried beyond endurance, the famously acid-tongued and quick-witted peer replied, "No, no dear. The "T" is silent - as in Harlow."
The inbred comment ! 😂😂😂😂. That’s a witty comeback too
One of the best retorts I've ever heard of is when author and criic Dorothy Parker was told that President Calvin Coolidge had died. "How can they tell?"
Arguing with mom. "Dad would let me" "Do I look like your father? " " A little around the beard"
I remember this exchange with cops and some prankster kids that hang out by my job.
Kid "Hey, officer, you wanna see my nuts" (gives confused wtf look goes over to Sargent and brings him over).
Kid (to both officers now). Hey, im gonna show you my nuts (holds up peanut can)
Sargent: "Hey you wanna see a pussy?"
Kid sure
Sargent: "Well turn around and look straight ahead" (looks into a mirror and gets defeated look everyone laughs).
Churchill is such a great person. I love him.
Another classic Churchill one...
WOMAN: "Sir Winston, you are drunk!"
CHURCHILL: "And madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
And this one isn't so much a comeback as an insult...
CHURCHILL: "Madam, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?"
WOMAN: "Why, yes, Mr. Churchill, I would."
CHURCHILL: "Madam, would you sleep with me for one pound?"
WOMAN: "Why, Mr. Churchill! What kind of lady do you think I am?"
CHURCHILL: "Madam, we've already established what kind of lady you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
The best of and most numerous of compliments on my looks over the 65 years of my life has been "Well... Your not Ugly..."
So Mr. Churchill was speaking of the category of looks I fall into.
What is this game! It looks so peaceful!
My math teacher told me to go to hell once. I was like, are you allowed to say that? A different math teacher said I was stupid and poor. Yep, maybe one, but not both :P
Me: "Class was absolutely crazy!"
The jerk in the class: "Wait?'
Me:
The jerk: "WAIT?"
Me:
The jerk: "Who asked?"
Me: "Um...why are you asking me? Don't you hate me?"
The jerk:
The best comeback I heard was on the tv show Golden Girls when Rose asked if she could ask a dumb question and Dorothy said better than anyone I know.
My recent favorite is a YT vid called 'He's Bully Proof'...
KID ONE: 'Your weiner's the size of a Tic Tac.'
KID TWO: 'That's why your mom's breath smells so good...'
6:13 I would’ve responded with, “I’m sorry, but I’m less snake and more crow, so go on and slither out of here like the serpent you are!”
Edit: the reason I would’ve said crow is because I know that I am intelligent, and so wanted to make a comparison to what is basically one of the smartest animals out there.
i dont know what to reply to this
When you think up the comeback in the car 4 hours after
Friend got married in September 2013, they bought a dog as a joint wedding gift (female, a cute black labrador). Two years later, wife moved out to another guy. Splitting their assets, she basically took most of decorations, furniture, some kitchen appliances. Then, she sat with my friend and ask him: "You know, I am moving from this small flat to a big house with garden, maybe dog should come with me?"
To which my guy responded: "Take the washing machine, take the bed and the matress, even dissasemble the wardrobe in the bedroom, but, for the love of God, let me have at least one loyal b!tch in my house."
I was not there to see it, but just when my friend finished this part, she entered his place to take her clothes while her dude was in the car downstairs. My smile and muffled hysterical laughter were enough to let her know that I know.
9:16 "I'll definitely help to arrange your meeting, if you ever come near, although you'll likely go to other side of the eternal life than him"
What’s the game in the background?
Jimmy Carrs laugh sounds like a Loud Seal
#8 is an old joke
Yo
Actually early this time
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Can you tell who first came up with the theory of asexual reproduction? Your wife?
Another retort for "Can I ask a stupid question?" "Better than anyone I know."
Spur of the moment wisecrack I made at a Christmas party where we were playing whose line is it anyway?
Let's call him Charlie (he's being a counsellor): "Come on, guys. Calm down. We can work it out."
Me, pretending to be very angry, "We can work it out? Who do you think you are, The Beatles?"
This set off some laughter. I must have done all right, because I won that particular game. :)
Playing Whose Line is it Anyway? In front of people, that's terrifying.
Lets call him Charlie, doesnt call him Charlie
I was at a party some years ago. The hostess of the party- a friend, mind you- has a rather large and brassy personality and, at one point in the evening, I commented as such. Hearing my comment, she turned to me and said, "You couldn't handle me if I came with instructions!' to which I (unexpectedly) responded, "Woman, if you came with instructions, they'd most likely be printed in another language that, when translated into English, still wouldn't make any damned sense!" There was a moment of stunned silence as everyone in the room took a second to digest what I had said. Then, there was a collective, "DAYUM!" and the room exploded with laughter. My friend came over and hugged me with tears in her eyes from laughing. Good times!
A while ago I was working for a high-end contractor specializing in historic houses, churches, and rich people. I was doing something with a cordless screwgun to the ceiling of a 300-year-old rowhouse a few blocks from Independence Hall. It had been bought by a South American millionaire lady. When her boy-toy came into the room where I was working, he said to me in a very derisive voice, "when this house was built, they didn't have cordless tools!" I looks down at him, and said in the same tone of voice, "what are you talking about? That's ALL they had!" He turned around, and fled the room.
What is the game in the Background. It looks so beautiful and peacefull
It's called Spirit of the north im pretty sure
I was in science my teacher said something along the lines "The marker does not mix water as though its attracted to itself." I said it out loud without realizing it, "That marker has more self confidence then a teenager." With a deadpan voice, my teacher laughed at it and said yup thats true.
I once had someone who way WAY too young to smoke ask me for a cigarette. I told them, "Sorry, I don't smoke." As I puffed on a cigarette. They had no idea what to say to that.
I had a cheap skate ask if I had another cigarette. I said ",,Yes but I'm not gonna give it to you '.
My favorite is one of my own: I used to work in customer service for the agency that pays Military Retirees. Every January when annual pay raises (COLAs) went into effect, some old dude, with too much time on his hands, would call and WHINE about how come the Active Duty COLA was higher than the one the retirees were getting. Without missing a beat, I answered, "Because you're not getting SHOT at anymore." ABSOLUTE SILENCE. EVERY SINGLE TIME. [and NO, I was not fired for this comeback!]
I remember one time when I was in like 4th grade and my class was I think getting back from lunch bc we were in line, and someone behind me made a “Yo Mama” joke to me. And me being a naive little girl who loved her mom very much, I was personally offended by it. Unfortunately, I don’t remember exactly what was said either by me or the joker kid, but I do remember that my response was savage enough to make the entire line go *_“OOOHHHHHHHH!”_*
I was about 6 when my mother gave me the "if you play with matches you will get burned" speech. I replied, "okay, that's fair."
I was behind a friend of mine in line at a grocery store once and when the cashier asked if he "wanted his bleach in a bag" he replied with "just leave it in the jug, it'll be easier to pour". Funniest part was she didn't get it until after he'd left and she was ringing my stuff up. I use this line every chance I get now
A twit of a guy confronted me once about money owed. I run an association he hadn't payed his homeowners dues, not an h.o.a. After informing him that he was late and needed to take care of this he got pissy saying you don't want to play hard ball with him. I'm a 5'3" female. He was 6'. I looked at him responding Don't worry I got a bigger bat. My husband chuckled about that. The first time i had a come back that wasn't at 3 am.
@ 7:20 then, can I say... "I'm a geologist, fossils are my business."
actually, can someone think up something better?
Not one I did but someone in my class. Basically I have a very chaotic history class, no one real behaves and there’s one girl who really tries but isn’t the brightest and has difficulty reading. Because of this she often gets laughed at, not bullied really but mocked, especially from one boy in the class who I’ll call Jacob. Now one time this girl asked or said something and people laghed. Miss scalded them saying it was an honest mistake or a fair question and that it wasn’t funny. Jacob responded “it kind of is miss you have to admit”
Miss said “no it’s not funny the classroom is supposed to be a safe space”
He instantly shot back “American schools aren’t safe” most of the class erupted in laughter and even miss smiled slightly. We’re a British school by the way and he was referring to school shootings in the USA.
One of the guys in class GC was being a smartass and a creep to a girl. So me and my friend, on new year's ever made several memes on him (viciously funny) and posted them on the gc. Everyone went nuts. He left our whatsapp group after that. He downloaded discord, made the few who were clowning him. Then sent a message ,"I'll fuck everybody's mom". I said, "Is your name Everybody?"
New vid!
7:34 “I’m a plumber. Stuck-up pieces of shit are my business.”
I once accidentally said “I don’t remember asking” to someone.
Basically someone started talking about how well he did at football and I, having no interest in football, said “I have no recollection of myself inquiring about your football game” or something like that. Basically a more formal way of saying I didn’t ask but I didn’t intentionally paraphrase that it just kind of happened.
That world war 2 one took me awhile, but it's definitely accurate 😂
That took you a while? I got that one immediately
@@thecoolcongle5128 haha
Me and one of the football players got into it and i got tired of daily bs he called me gay and i replied with if i wanted a comeback from you id wipe your lips off dead silence followed by raucous laughter
Its really hard to deliver sick burns when you have a stutter.
Oh i remember one i did...more of a witty comeback than a sick burn. I was talking to the teacher in my college class talking about rushing and thats why i didnt have something (its been 5 years i dont remember what) and this nosy nelly butts in and asks "why was you rushin? Was you late?" And i answered with "no, i was rushin cause i changed my nationality."
The teacher was the only one who laughed.
This is on Instagram. There is a reel about a newborn was accidentally hit by a nurse on the head and started crying and 15 years later the "I'm free" meme from TikTok.
This guy in the comment: Who let him out of the sped class?
Me: Who let you out of humanity class?
So, my cousin was making fun of my weight, and my grandfather (keep in mine, me, and my cousin are both his grandchildren) says to my cousin, "Well, you ain't no slimjim either!" 😂 I miss that man
The grandmother should have asked the telemarketer if they knew how to perform a seance, or use a quja board!
Let me tell one
So all my friends have started calling me magic cause when ever my friends want their girlfriends to go way they call me over and tell all disappear even my mom
Story 22: It was a snappy and witty comeback, but the burn on that VP was deep.
at 38 I was in diesel mechanic's school and was getting razzed for being " old" and I finally snapped at this young girl. I said " After graduation why don't you get married and make some else;s life miserable ?! " The others with me laffed and she slinked away !!
My favorite come back is still
"And you look easy to draw."
A co-worker and I were having a disagreement when he suddenly sighed and said, "I'm starting to think I should just add the word 'a**hole' to the end of every sentence when I talk to you."
Credit where it is due, that's an instant classic.😂😂😂😂
When asked by my wife what the name of my girlfriend was I responded , I can't afford the woman I've got what in the world would I do with another one ? I was always truthful with her and she rarely believed me . Her loss , been divorced 25y now still single , I learn from my mistakes . I guess that's the reason why I'm no longer broke .
Got bullied in school when I was younger enough and wasn't the kind to think up swift words to say a shit at the time, not quick enough anyhow. So I made sure I would not end up to High School with the same people on my class. As in - I arranged myself to spend a year in another a country as an exchange student. When I came back year later to go on with the year younger students - that class was absolutely and entirely different - but about year later yet, some others from my old class came back having done the same thing I did, only well, year later. And that started from time to time eat into the class spirit cause those rats just did not know how to behave.
So towards end of High School, few weeks before the finals, we had one of those really useless classes when the teacher brings in some older people from some university or which ever other educational institution to tell us how much fun they have arranging parties and such in their next place of education - never even actually bothering to tell us, what the fuck one studies there and what sort of professions you will have for choosing that path. I was annoyed and tired. I would have preferred to spend the time prepping for the finals - and thus walking out the class - I told our class boss after yawning that it was boring, useless and entirely waste of time to have to join for those classes given that there would have been more important prepping to do before the finals. Before she even managed to say a thing - one of those rats started to imitate my voice and words, probably assuming that someone would laugh at me as we walked down the stairs. The class boss commented off the topic, saying that she was still upset over the class party we had the weekend before, where some people had broken things at her house. Mind you, not home of her parents - her very own house. Saying that she didn't know why all those things began to happen in our class on the last year, when it wasn't our way to begin with. I got that she was ignoring the person for me on purpose. But that gave me just enough time to blurt a bit stuttering out a question asking 'Have you ever heard such a feminine voice on a man?' That's when he never again tried any of his shit on me, and I tell you, just trying to imitate your voice or words is not that huge of a deal.
I mean, there had been a ton of crap before that - so I told the class boss while that guy was still in range of hearing that sadly our class got stuffed with a number of people from my old class, which I purposefully escaped doing what I had done with the exchange year. And that class was not one with any sense of manners or decency even towards it's own - they were literally known for trashing places where they arranged parties - and thus could no longer have any, as people would not agree to it. And so they would crash now the parties of the other classes - especially if set a class had some of their former class mates. While I wanted nothing to do with those people - some of them did get the heads up likely from people who had been stuffed with us. So it was no wonder things started to go bad. Anyhow - she asked into the matter further and a couple of those people were there after banned from all of the rest of the parties left. And that did turn things back towards the way they were.
I am still surprised no-one had realized before what was happening. But then again, those people in my High School class were really kind, sweet and welcoming - having been all together since they were kids. So I figure they just weren't expecting the shit. Not that it necessarily results to that kind of people, cause my old class before them, had been together the same way - they just were the very opposite. But I can just assume, that's why they didn't instantly realize where all the mess started to slowly leak in from - while for me it was a saddening reality almost instantly... until then. Stupidly that short of a thing isn't even something you can warn others about - cause of the way it sounds to those who haven't had the experience of it before. I still wish I had known to tell about it somehow before. But for myself, I feel so damned proud about trashing his voice when he had been trying to use mine to do the old sort of crap on me. No that guy wasn't the worst among them - but he was part of the same gang who always would put the mess. Such a tiny and insignificant victory, but very satisfying. And no, the following parties we still had didn't run into the 'trash it squad' so at least that's a bonus.
"There are mentally impaired children in France that know French" I don't know who that burns more, the French Teacher or the kid.
8:09 They went bonkers because she doesn't have any!
Is he playing Skyrim? That really looks like Skyrim
What game is that? That little fox is adorable
Ikr? I want to play the glowing fox game!
@@tamstertx63 yessss! Who doesn't love adorable foxes?
Told my brother that he had a genius for the obvious, he thanked me
I AM THE 666TH LIKE
6:00 savage.
10:13 I don't get it, what follows
Terrible.
😂😂😂
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only 12 comments?
5:25 Story #11 doesn’t make any sense. The guys name does have a D in it, so he would’ve said yes and the joke wouldn’t have worked. 🙄