It’s always bothered me how regular (not living in the public eye) women have no agency when it comes to how our bodies are perceived. Just simply living your life becomes an act of “seduction”
Agree! In some parts of my country, girls are not allowed to wear short clothes because it can "distract, confuse or seduce the guy". That's real fucked up!
I agree so much. And this affects not just women, but girls, too. I was an "early bloomer" and developed a pretty big chest in middle school, and I got talked to multiple times because of my cleavage showing - even though I was wearing the exact type of thing other girls were wearing, not trying to show off at all. Looking back, it's so messed up that I was taught by all those teachers and administrators that my body was inherently more sexual, more inappropriate, than other girls'.
I notice in some of the clips you've shown that the women tend to be in videos where the rappers are showing off material things like jewellery or yachts etc. as if they're part of this list of things the rapper has acquired in order to elevate his status
yea definitely omg. this totally aids in creating the objectification riddled atmosphere, which obviously creates the concept of people believing they access to women’s bodies, but particularly Black, Latíne, Indigenous, and Asian women and their bodies.
Exactly... That's part of the reason why patriarchal societies have historically treated daughters' sexuality as something to be policed by their fathers... Precisely because they are property to be handed over to another man, their future husbands.
As an asexual Asian-American woman, I can relate to people feeling entitled to my body and time. People assume that I dress nicely or wear makeup because I want them to be interested in me romantically or sexually when, in reality, it's my way of expressing myself. When I was younger, I used to be nervous to even wear a bright lipstick color or wear flashy clothing because I didn't want people (mostly straight cis men) to assume I wanted them to hit on me or who knows what else. Something about your bathing suit story reminded me of that. Just because you have the body you have and do whatever the hell you want to do with it, you should not be subject to people believing they are entitled to it. I think this all relates to how beauty and sex are commodities that people think they can purchase with enough money, influence, and power. Your videos are always amazing and with all the content you've been spoiling us with lately a break is certainly warranted!!!
I relate to this a lot!! Im also ace and I grew up with a lot of internalized misogyny cuz I was always around guys in family, so I became obsessed with being seen as a tomboy and as least feminine as possible. Quarantine has made me want to expand my physical expression but I don't have the money
Same, honestly. I'm also ace, and though I don't have to deal with the hypersexualization that asian women do, I have a body type that draws men's attention even tho I don't want it. It gets really old.
Another ace chiming in to say that unwanted sexual attention is the reason I always wear hoodies in public. I'm a man and even with loose clothes, I am noticeably muscular enough that people sometimes get creepy with me. I think the straights should stop treating every interaction with strangers as if they're in a dating sim.
I love the ace community popping up on excellent channels such as Khadija's. Seeing each other express our personal stories and relating to topics makes it feel less isolating as an ace without a local community. This topic is very personal for some ace people and being treated as a sexual object of desire is going to feel different for some of us. Feeling repulsed in these kind of interactions is one of the most draining social situations I can think of for me personally.
Also ace :-) I remember working extra hard to learn or focus on the sexualized perspective/innuendo of pics and videos of people especially in music videos "train" myself to pick up on the sexual side of things cause I thought everyone else had learned it too. It always felt uncomforting but I truly can't believe how long I just accepted it as "this is normal this is how everyone is I have to adjust to fit that"
The part about being curvy and always getting sexualized speak to me alot. I'm asexual and kinda dislike presenting sexual to people and having a curvy body makes me hate myself sometimes. It's like I'm not allowed to exist and love myself.
You are gorgeous & society‘s a little bit very much shitty, I know it‘s easier said than done, but how others perceive you is none of your fault, no need to hate yourself❤️
@@emiliesrensen6960 It's so lonely when people don't understand how you want to present. Skinny people can look cute but not us, we can only be sexual objects and refusing to do so makes people confused.
I feel you so much...especially when skinny people can be cute...but then you just have curves and BAM you're suddenly "sexy" or "inappropriate" or "distracting" or whatever 😟☹
Yeah I dressed up for the first time in a while. Never felt comfortable wearing a tang top but it was summer so I did. Literally I left my neighborhood and reached the first red light to my destination, not even three minutes into being in the car, and some guys started honking at me and yelling at me from their car. Like it's funny but it's also a little stressful.
4 weeks ago I was sexually assaulted in a park, and before it happened the guy kept talking about black women twerking, our lips, our hips, our booties. I was sitting in the park minding my own business getting some sun in jeans and a baggy t-shirt & because I happen to be born black and grew curves this guy seemed to instantly think I was a hyper sexual being who just exists to be played with & be a pleasure tool to make his fantasies a reality! Thank you for talking about how just living in our bodies gives some men the impression they have access to us without consent. U broke it down perfectly. Love from UK 🇬🇧 💖
@Cammy T I just wanted to reach out and say how sorry I am that you experienced that. It must have been really scary, I hope you feel supported and protected by those around you ❤
@@Jojo-tf2zp Thank you so much for your kind words 🙏🏾 it was scary but I have a strong support network of family and friends. Im just in shock that so many see us black women as objects to 'test out and try' & then throw us away when they are done, we really aren't seen as individual human beings. It's so sad.
@@cammyt9030 @Cammy T I'm glad you have such a strong network! 🙌🏾 Its very scary how pervasive that thought process is. Even in our own community. My experience with assault was by a guy who was also black. He said all the right things about respecting black women, colorism ect. but when it came down to it, he felt entitled to my body all the same. Just like you said, we're seen as something to "try out."
I see you. once, when I was around 22, I got a comment from an older guy out of nowhere that I was working out "so sexy" while I was literally sweating my ass off in "ugly" clothes at the gym, not looking cute but looking like a radish.
I had a supervisor say that I walk sexy to other employees. I found out about it later and apparently my coworkers would talk about me like this when I wasn't around. At the time i was uncomfortable, but I felt like i shouldn't make a big deal about it, so I dropped it
I was literally told i can't wear body con because it shows my curves. If I was more slim it wouldn't be a big deal but we've sexualized a certain body type and taken away the agency of women to decide when they want to be sexy.
I've had the same issue since teenage. I stopped wearing dresses years ago.. last time I did I was with my bf. I felt very safe, almost invincible/untouchable because he's a muscle machine and an ex con which shows, pretty intimidating looking. And we had just met so we only had eyes for eachother, I didn't pay any attention to anyone else lol.. Before that it had been 1,5 years ago that I wore a tight dress. Crazy what it took for me to dare/want to dress up like that. Usually I wear baggy or weird/bad fitting jeans with hoodies or big t shirts. My guy always found it weird/funny that I wore such "ugly clothes" in the beginning, but he never really cared/cares about what I wore. I'm a beautiful woman with a beautiful body compared to today's ideals, I have high pretty privilege and I like being pretty. I just don't like being disrespected or assaulted. Dressing down helps some
This is exactly how I feel i use to want to wear body con dresses but people are so perverted that i’d rather live in hoodies and jumpers and even those don’t keep me safe
But sexualising with consent is fine. Imo both men and women should be sexualised in media to pander to both genders. Because sexuality is important and vital aspect of human life.
I have a really pronounced hourglass shape, big boobs, smaller waist and big hips and butt, and when I was a teenager I was constantly told by my mom, older sister etc to cover up even when I was wearing outfits that would otherwise be acceptable on someone with smaller boobs or butts. it made it really hard for me to become confident because I constantly had to think about how men would perceive me, rather than just being able to enjoy what I saw in the mirror.
I'm sorry you had to deal with s*xual violence in your life. Really great video. The point you made about being voluptuous suddenly taking an ordinary outfit and turning it into a playboy centrefold in some people's minds even though a less curvy woman is wearing the exact same thing is straight up maddening.
It’s not some people’s minds it’s everybody’s mind. Everybody notices. You lying if you say otherwise. Golly y’all gotta just accept life sometimes of course something bigger is more noticeable than something smaller? Like what is the argument here🤔
I can't even guess how many times a man has said something like "you're too sexy to be gay" or "how can you be gay if I'm attracted to you" like, dude.
I hate how whenever I dress nicely, specifically when my curves are showing, I always question myself like "who are you dressing for? do you want attention? you want boys looking at you?" and I'm filled with this sense of shame because I honestly don't know the answer to any of those questions
It sucks that you have those thoughts, but I get it. The only answer should be that you’re dressing for you, and you deserve to decide what clothes make you feel comfortable and good about yourself. Other people need to mind their business and be respectful because they have no right to your body or appearance regardless how you dress.
I developed super early. Got my first bra when I was 8. Two years later I had b cups and my mom had to teach my how to carry myself differently when she saw grown men start to notice me. I was just a child doing child things but had to adjust and I became uncomfortable in my body.
Ugh I feel you. Grown men started noticing me when I was still a child. All of a sudden there were all these things I couldn’t do or wear anymore that my friends still could. I felt like my body didn’t belong to be anymore. I’m sorry you went through that.
I think I a lot of girls end up with E.D.s or D.E. around puberty because of this kind of behavior and beliefs around traditionally feminine or womanly bodies. The way people react to our bodies and going from childhood to adolescence/ puberty is terrifying, you don't just lose a sense of personal control but also your body seems to belong to others all of a sudden. I know for me this was a big reason for trying to keep my body as small and non-feminine as possible (to a great detriment). It must be even more overwhelming for black women with the way that your bodies have been historically and culturally portrayed. Great video as always.
I hear you. I was flat-chested as a teen, and passed as a boy sometimes, starved myself and wore the ugliest, loosest clothing I could find to keep from looking "girly." Strangely, decades later, I'm at the age where I'm considered "sexless" -- too old, too round, too un-ideal to attract male attention and it's both sad and liberating. Do I feel "safe" being unattractive? No. I walk with an air of confidence now, and I think that in itself comes off as a challenge to certain kinds of men. Not a sexual challenge, but an ego/dominance challenge.
@@bluegreenglue6565 yeah you're absolutely right. I turned 30 this year, and had to really come to terms with how I feel about myself, not how the rest of the world does. I still have problems with being labeled a woman. I realized that i had experienced gender dysphoria for a long time, but over the years i got more comfortable with myself. I still often think life would have been easier as a man, my choices and preferences wouldn't be challenged all the time. But these days i wonder how much of that comes from the external expectations placed on womanhood and femininity. It's exhausting not to be allowed to be yourself. But HEY, that's not news to most of us!
@@Neo.Jordon i don't know..it depends on what that femininity really means. I would rather not be labeled at all and not looked at as a body or as a womb. Unfortunately that, in my experience, has been the focus of what it means to be a woman and I'm not down with that. It's 100% fine for women to stick to more traditional roles if that's what they want, but it's not for everyone. I personally try to just integrate the parts of myself i liked regardless of what gender they symbolize.
The "right to access" mindset runs DEEP in the collective consciousness. I've had men confused as to why I even dress in anything more sophisticated than yoga pants if I'm just going to reject offers of sexual engagement. Breathing while female is enough to justify access for some. I just...😔.
Although the media and these kinds of videos made it worse, as a 57 year old woman with "that kind of build" I had to deal with aggressive men since I was 11 (getting older means becoming invisible and honestly, I welcome it lol) It's the basic sexism and reduction of women to sexual objects, just on crack with music videos. I really understand and relate to the idea of not feeling that you own your own body, that just being out in the world with a body that society (men) have decided is "sexual" your boundaries are evaporated and you are always on display for "access" although ALL women deal with this, our bodies belong to everyone else before ourselves. Anyway, keep up the great work, girl, love your videos!
YES!!!!! I moved to dc for law school and I have been followed off the metro , had men try to trick me into their Uber, had someone try to take pictures under my dress all because I’m a thicker black woman so men think they have access to my body. I feel like it’s an issue often skipped when we discuss pretty privilege - there a difference between being seen as feminine and thus more valuable, versus hypersexualized and thus seen as simply a sexual object who should see this status as a compliment and should not ask to be seen as human or to have our boundaries respected.
@@bmoore-n-life I agree, the hypersexualization of black women is something that only now is being discussed and it's long overdue (among black women, of course). We all know about the "angry black woman" stereotype by now but the other, equally if not far more visible one in videos like these, the black woman as some purely sexual and easily available oversexed toy, has been rarely discussed. Especially given our history with enslavement, it's particular galling it's been so ignored and indulged.
Thank you Nikki for acknowledging that ALL women deal with it...I don't think that there is one body type IRL that cops the brunt of this uncomfortable reality. Most girls/women experience it in everyday life :/
Y’all so weird to say things like this OUT LOUD as if y’all not the ones who created the beauty standard. Nobody is dressing you up, y’all watch tv/internet/, see who you wanna look like (bc she get attention), copy that, then complain about it!!!! I look around all I see is women trying to be as close to naked as possible, then blaming men for noticing how naked you are!!! That’s like a man walking around with the tightest grey sweats he can find, then get mad when women look at his print all day!! It makes no sense at all! Better example. I dress like a cop, then get mad when ppl keep asking me for help😂 Like shit in thought you were a COP!😂
Bruh. Melanie Martinez's song "Strawberry Shortcake" is so relevant to this topic. My fav lines from it is "Instead of making me feel bad for the body I got Just teach him to keep it in his pants and tell him to stop."
As a curvy redhead (basically a real life Jessica Rabbit) who was a tween/teenager in the late 90s and early 00s, this brought up a lot of emotions and memories I wasn't expecting. The experience of being a white woman with a body type that is more associated with WOC and highly sexualized/focus of male gaze is so complicated and often isolating; just for some extra confusion, add being a lesbian, somewhat closeted until a few years ago... Ugh, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here; I'm just extra sensitive to this topic with the "return to normal" hitting me like a double dose of the end of parka season when I used to take the train everyday...
But for men that’s all. It’s wild bc some of y’all will get with another woman and let her lead and/or be just like a man! Strap on included. Girl look like a dude and smashing you but you don’t want a man it’s the craziest thing! But yea, you sound attractive, so of course men would want you? Kinda just biology at that point😂
What I absolutely love about Khadija is how researched her videos are. I mean it's great that some TH-camrs just express their opinions on certain topics without having content to back up their ideas, but it's so enriching to hear about research papers, articles, books and scholars !
can we talk about how male Artists are obsessed having a relationship (sexual relationship) with women that have dated someone else, who is usually bigger than themselves. it's as if women are accessories that show that they are as big as the other man she has dated.
I was just asking my dad the other day how many songs does he know that talks about mutual friendship or general good times. I get so tired of songs about sex, girls, boys, money, drugs, and shit like that. I really want to hear more songs about friendship and love between family and stuff. NO SEX. NO BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND. NO BREAKUPS. NONE OF THAT. Just some nice classic meaningful things in life. Not that I don't like some songs that are not about that. It's just that I get so tired of it.
Yaye part 2!! Male Gaze is in alot of movies too unnecessarily. Also, the part about sexual desire vs sexual access reinforces the predatory status that a lot of black people and black women especially grow up with. For instance, once a young girl developed in my family it's an automatic assumption that they were having sex early and that's why their body is that way or a need to cover up to not draw attention to other grown men or males within the family its disgusting victim blaming taught to us as kids. I am extremely happy these conversations are happening because hopefully the next generation will stray away from these stereotypes.
I grew up this way. And it creates such internalized misogyny among others things. I am now just learning how to tale care of myself and love myself, late 30s. And I was taught this horrible brainwashing by my mother and other female family members.
@@rhambosia1 same I learned to embrace myself and my body outside of high school thankfully but high school was ruthless for me. I never wanted to be called "sexy" and I used to come home crying from the oversexualization I experienced. I was sexual harrassed a lot and it never felt right having grown men attracted to you.
My mother would get mad at me for wearing shorts to bed because “men lived in the house” while the “men” were allowed to wear those boxers that have the hole in the middle so you could obviously see his little ding-a-ling. But anyway, if you need to ask little girls to cover up around males, maybe you need to get rid of those so called males.
I had that exact same experience with my mom when I posted a photo from Carnival. she did not handle it well and i was pretty much a "porn star" in my family's eyes.
I understand! Once, I went to uni wearing a fresh dress (covered shoulders, knee level) because it was a very hot day and public transportation vehicles don't have a.c., but my mom told me to change because "people would think that I was looking to have something with someone or that I wanted to call attention to myself" and I was like damn I just want to exist in a hot day in Mexico let me be 😓
Same...my mom is a very conservative indian christian...I had once with a sleevless blouse with my saree when I was 20 or so..she told me that I was leading men into sin...coz my arms were showing...and that the worst places in hell were reserved for those who led others into sin. She was very angry I couldn't say anything. I was shocked...I have never worn sleevless around her after that but it still makes me sad when I think about that
Yes!! My mother told me I looked like a pornstar for wearing a v neck and it really messed with my self confidence growing up. It's comforting and sad to know that others have been through the same, hopefully you can still feel comfortable expressing yourself!
@@cheeseskip Same, my mom is a very conservative Mexican Christian. I've wanted to wear a bikini for a while, but my mom would never let me because she tells me "We're modest" and "Guys like modest girls." So instead of giving me a bikini that's not as revealing as other ones, she instead has to go through all this trouble just to keep me modest which sometimes includes wearing a sports bra which is very uncomfortable sometimes.
Well, aunty. This was unexpected. Made tea at the perfect time 😃. This seems like something people gloss over by saying it doesnt cause direct harm. But idolizing something like this can lead to a warped reality of how women *as humans* live and should act in your presence. And it can hurt :(
13:00 Yes! As a big-boobed woman I sometimes feel like we were left behind with the sexual liberation movement. I can't enjoy wearing tight-fitting or showy clothing without it being seen as inherently sexual, so most of the time I wear very baggy clothes that I don't think look great or fashionable, but i wear because I want to feel safe and comfortable in public
So why is there a need for you to show them? Women got this idea that looser fitting clothing ain’t for women…Why is that? Bc just bc you have big titties, don’t mean they gotta be seen🧐 You literally said “showy clothing” What you trying to show and why? It’s bs you want to be seen. If I don’t want my print showing I’ll wear something else. Just admit it.
Y'know, I always try to use youtuber's full names when talking about them because I'm always very aware of the parasocial relationship consumers have with them, but Khadija's just so nice, funny, accepting, etc. that it's almost comfortable using her first name.
I have body positive friends who always post pictures of their bodies. And they’re praised for their confidence and they’re care-free spirits. I know some photographers who post photographs of beautiful thin girls and those photos are perceived as artful and considered an “esthetic”. Both of these type of posts inspired me to post photos of my own body because I’m also confident and comfortable in my body. I also think that my body is art and it’s beautiful. But when I posted my pictures, I was asked if I had an Onlyfans or if I would create an account. Some of my followers asked to purchase photos from me. It was not at all the response I was hoping for. It dawned on me that I may have gotten that response because of my body type. I wondered if other girls with my similar body type experienced the same thing. I’m so happy that you touched this topic and confirmed that I wasn’t just imagining things. Men see these bodies in porn and these music videos and that’s automatically the first thing that comes to their minds. And don’t get me wrong, I really do love and respect my body. However, it’s both a blessing and a curse.
The male gaze has made it hard for me explore my sexuality I'm married but I've expressed to my husband that I'm tired of being the sexy one all the time He asked how can he be sexy to me, I answered I don't know. I've never seen men sexualised the way women are. It's left me clueless
I can buy lingerie, eat a strawberry "seductively," take a bath etc. Guaranteed he will get turned on When/if he does any of these thing, I feel nothing. How sad.
@@hakunamatata-w3873 No I'm just pointing out how women are sexualised without doing much of anything out of the ordinary. And how rarely see men depicted as the "object" of a woman's affection has affected my sexuality
@@starcherry6814 It does occur to men, but not to the extent of that of women's. every now and then considerably attractive men, Are sexualized despite not displaying any sort of sexual tension, but I will have to agree however. It occurs far more to women.
as a Latina, with the physical features that I have I've experienced the exact same things. The exact same situation happened on ig, with my mexicana mom she actually turned my phone service off because I didn't delete the bikini pic... its traumatizing behavior, and sexualizing her own daughter in such a harmful way.
You don't have to have an "Instagram model body" as you describe for men to feel they have access to it. I'm obese, have masculine features, and I've been groped by male customers in my work uniform like an animal at a petting zoo. Being ugly is not an escape from this nightmare.
As a Latina with a naturally large butt and hips but fairly petite everywhere else (small waist, naturally "skinny-thicc", I guess you could say), I can relate a lot to what you said in this video. I haven't watched the whole video yet but I agree with you on being uncomfortable with being sexualized simply for having a body. Just cause I have a big ass doesn't mean I want your sexual attention all over it, even if it's just meant as a fun joke. It honestly made me pretty insecure in high school because it was always one of those features of mine that seemed to stand out immediately to people. And so I'd wear oversized shirts and sweatpants to try my best to hide it. That and my parents would never let me wear shorts or certain skirts because having a big butt and wearing shorts somehow meant I was asking for sexual attention when that isn't ever the case? I'm asexual ffs, I just like the look of cute shorts and skirts!
Literally the exact same thing happened to me in high school, and as a fellow asexual Latina, I had similar feelings of discomfort with my own body afterward. I remember a male friend told me that he heard other guys, many of whom I had never interacted with, comment on my "great a*s" or whatever. He said it in a joking way, so I was supposed to have found it funny or maybe even flattering, but it just made me supremely uncomfortable. Just the idea that some random guys had been staring at my butt this whole time, even though I dressed quite conservatively in high school, really freaked me out because I had never thought anyone could look at me that way before or see me as nothing more than a particular part of my body. Since I was a "late bloomer" and since I, with the encouragement of my parents of course, dressed modestly, I kind of assumed I was immune to being sexualized, so that was a bit of a rude awakening. My immediate thought at the time was that I must not have done a good enough job covering up my body, that I must have somehow brought it on myself, which is just... yikes. Anyway, the part that made me most uncomfortable was that the "friend" who was relaying this information to me seemed to have endorsed the statements he heard. It tainted the way I thought of that "friend" because it revealed how he really perceived me. But what should I have expected from the guy who made "jokes" about me and my brother being "illegals" or how we would get deported back to Mexico (we're not even Mexican or immigrants?????) Looking back, I wish I wouldn't have tolerated such [sexist/racist] comments, but when you're in high school and you try to shut those things down, you get accused of not being able to take a joke or of being easily "butthurt" and too sensitive. It's such a twisted justification for excessively sexualizing and exotifying someone because you're told your feelings of discomfort matter less than the lolz. I've kind of given up on trying to dress "modestly" per se and now just try to wear what makes me feel comfortable and safe and sometimes cute if I feel like it. I realized it's pointless to worry about skirt/short length because, at least with the way my body is shaped, no matter how long my skirt is, it will always be too short in the back and too long in the front. Anyway, your comment really resonated with me, ty!
We understand that you like how it look. I like the look of my print in certain shit. My wife do too. I ain’t finna go outside KNOWING me shit Is on full display bc you welcome whatever come with that. It’s a fairy tale to think men will change. It’s biology. No way around that shit. Of course you still gone get attention bc you can’t it it’s fat (like my wife) but if you wear some real tight short shit…you know it’s a WHOLE different look and now you just asking for more attention bc that’s the world we live in. Imagine thinking the lion wrong for attacking but you wear a steak around your neck to the resort🤦🏽♂️😂
I'm so glad you did a video on this because the points you made are so relevant. The first time I had ever been kissed in my life was forcibly by some guy in a South Korea club. And after saying sorry to me he said he did it because he just assumed that's how black girls with hour glass shapes are. And I would find out later I'm far from the only black girl with a story like that. It is an issue that I feel more people should discuss with honesty and nuance because these types of visuals have a very far reach.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I actually had something similar happen to me...twice. Once an older coworker was telling me how pretty he thought I was & kissed my cheek! I was stunned and didn’t know what to say. My bf at the time told me to report him but I didn’t wanna cause problems. Then 2 years ago I worked with a guy who I knew wanted me... but I always maintained my distance or ignored his advances. He was the bosses son and it was a family run business so I couldn’t tell anyone. No HR. He even had a girlfriend who’d visit him at work! If I ignored his sexual advances I still considered him a friend. Then one day after he dropped me off after work he kissed me on the cheek. I just looked at him and awkwardly smiled and got out the car. I wish looking back I’d had the courage to stand up for myself. I’ve let men get away with so many things. But I’m wiser and learning to assert my boundaries. My body is for me and me alone. I’m no man’s object or fantasy and I’ll never let someone treat me like that again ❤️🙏🏽
@@chooseitwisely98 reading way too much into this. That's the nickname she gives herself, and she literally starts every single video saying she's her viewers' aunty. People need to chill.
yes to that immediate sexualization that happens when you're just trying to enjoy yourself in the moment and show off feeling good. like you said once we post it's not in our control how folks react to it. such a great video and love those two tops together btw!
I had to explain this to my mother a couple years ago, “ those peoples reactions to my thighs are NOT my problem. Their feelings about my thighs are NOT my problem, I get to chose how to exist in this body, and they’re going to imagine me naked if I’m in baggy clothes too” 🤷🏼♀️
@@margicates553 I remember being this one YT comment about how this person who grew up in a Muslim country, and they said that even though the woman were all covered up they would still get s3xu4lly hara223d. I also remember reading/watching a graphic memoir/movie called Persepolis (BTW you should probably go read or watch Persepolis, it's a really great book and movie), and in the movie the main character despite being all covered up still gets creepy looks for men and was told by authorities one time that she should stop running because her bottom bounces too much.
As someone who works in the service industry, I never thought about intentions behind a straight man who goes out of his way to work somewhere like Hooters. Sounds like an HR disaster
It is called the 'steel-pan', an instrument invented in Trinidad and Tobago (where jay z shot one of the afore shown music videos) originally made from an oil drum and frequently used in music associated with the Caribbean.
The same could be said about Carnival in the Caribbean, the differences in how costumes are deigned for women or AFAB people vs men or AMAB people. A lot of het men in the Caribbean or at least my country, Trinidad (and Tobago), tend to believe that they can grind up against any women in the crowd and it doesn't doesn't matter what you're wearing tbh, if you were dancing by yourself there is a 98% chance a man will come up behind you. It made me hate Carnival growing up because I have no interest in men in general, alone when I'm out having a good time but the best deterrent is to have a group of friends
That’s why I never went, the idea is too scary for me so I said I was just too conservative or not open-minded but there is a SERIOUS DANGER in events where “free access” is an unspoken rule, and the assumption that’s what I’m dressing or coming for rather than enjoying the experience. AND IF THAT’S THE EXPERIENCE, I DON’T WANT IT !! I’ll just stay home and binge till until after Ash Wednesday.
Huge thank you to CJ the X for alleviating some major stress by editing this week’s video! I would HIGHLY suggest y’all check out their channel, if you like my content you’ll LOVE theirs! CC's are enabled on all my vids! These are also my small channel shoutouts for the month of April! Go give them some looooveee! Ada on demand th-cam.com/channels/HdojZtRVlsx_aQFa12ZRpA.html Intelexual Media th-cam.com/channels/QVsTJx31Q_6o1bW9BHaO2w.html Axelleth-cam.com/channels/9gAHpZSRce9XVrkG3pMJtg.html Lauren Ashley th-cam.com/channels/7lCEu1pXWe7bI4Gq2EaFUw.html Professor Flowers th-cam.com/channels/GZrqXTq3GW2wNRz9M44Baw.html
Hi aunty 🥺 I don't know if you're still accepting small channel submissions but I'm a small channel and I uploaded a video recently and plan to do this very regularly as I've been working really hard on them. It took me a while to work up the confidence to actually post
I absolutely loved this video. As a young Latina women I totally get the stereotype of just being a sexual object, I try to refrain from telling people my ethnicity especially when I'm out, for fear of being exoticized. Even though I am of smaller proportions and not the stereotypical curvy hourglass shape I still don't feel comfortable wearing some outfits out of fear that I will be mishandled by men.
The part about the photo of you and what people do with it made me think of a time I was in a club with a friend. I was feeling the song and having a moment, dancing while the dance floor was pretty empty (we'd arrived pretty early to avoid crowds), and a guy leaning against the bar took out a digital camera and started videotaping me. Instant disgust, instant anger. I was expressing myself, dancing and having a good time, but him *recording* that completely changed the scene. It felt like he was trying to take control of me and my movements, and by capturing them on camera--taking them for himself, I guess. It was upsetting, but it was also scary. Still makes me mad to think about it.
The internalized misogyny is so real for me. I hate dealing with the male gaze and sexual harassment, but when I don't get it there is a small voice in the back of my head that's like, "What, is there something wrong with me today?" because I've learned that my body is my value. Does that ever come up for anyone else? I always feel ashamed of those thoughts. Also, being smaller chested it's been hard for me to see myself as sexy, because that's not what's depicted in media. I'm learning that these messages are harmful to all of us, especially when we are impressionable, albeit in different ways. Also just want to throw in there that I do recognize the privilege I have to easily cover up if I want to, and how that can usually help me feel safer.
See how it’s funny when women joke about how fine women are? Being that we’re the more sexual beings y’all don’t realize we have those same thoughts but times 10? Just really look at what just happened🙄
I think something to note is that the thought process isn't usually so overt: it's more of an assumption without real justification... so if asked you might say that of course women of that body type and skin color don't always want it, but your assumptions make you see signs that aren't there
I don't even look at them when they're staring but they still feel like it's an invite 🙄🙄🙄 like bro there's a reason I didn't give eye contact I can feel your eyes burning my damn head 😂😂😂😂
I feel you! OMG! As a Latina woman with wide hips and big boobs I COMPLETELY understand what you mean by being immediately sexualized just because you want to do something cute or silly or whatever...and then that's taken as an invitation. Also I'm survivor too; I understand the discomfort (to say the least) that can come from having a body that's perceived as "sexy" and then having to deal with the unwanted side effects to one's self esteem 😓
as a plus size content, I relate to your thoughts on sexual desire vs. access entirely. I always say that the more 'curvaceous' or the higher the BMI goes, the more a male feels he has the right, or the access. it's exhausting. anywho, I loved this video!
Thank you for discussing sexual desire and access! As a curvy Latina, all my life I have had people make comments about my body and get criticized for looking too sexual when i wear the same as everyone else. I've even had bosses in corporate tell me I look like I've already had sex! I have learned to love my curves and I only dress for myself but that sense men think I'm a certain way because of the curves I've been born with and cuz of my ethnicity is so frustrating!
This is why I could NEVER understand the outrage towards WAP. A LOT of these rappers speak about women in degrading and demeaning ways like their cars, money and women are objects that elevates their status. The idea of women taking control of this extremely toxic narrative and owning it themselves caused absolute chaos which just shows how far we are from accepting what they're portraying.
Their logic Men objectifying women and treating them like sexual objects: it’s just human nature bro Women owning their sexuality: outrageous, disgusting, perverse, can someone please think of the children!?
@@squeen666 Women's Logic: Male rappers showing half/full naked women for display in all of their videos is disgusting and objectifying. We are more than just our bodies for men's entertainment. Cardi B showing a video full of half/full naked women for display? Slay it queen! Female empowerment!! Doing the exact same thing that men have been doing and masquerading it as owning our sexuality!!
rickslick19 being promiscuous or hot isn’t inherently bad. Showing off ur body isn’t inherently bad. It is a bad thing when it is used by men to make themselves feel good and stroke their ego. That’s the point and this that’s the problem. When men USE women as a form of elevation, status or symbol of their own promiscuity and do not receive any backlash for this vile treatment. However, it’s as clear as day when two women do it...I guarantee if a male rapper was on the track with them/in the MV ppl wouldn’t even care.
@@loveisanopendoor3532 I never disagreed with the fact that when men use women as status symbols it's a problem. I also don't think that showing one's body is inherently bad. Not at all actually. But just like when we complain that men use women's bodies and look at them as just objects, I don't see how Cardi B's video is any different. Literally a video of all women shaking their butts. What empowerment can women possibly get from it? And why would women want to watch a video of other women twerking anyway?
rickslick19 first off, lesbians and women that are attracted to women exist so that last part doesn’t really make sense. Second of all, women seeing other women being in complete ownership of their bodies that was always governed thus belonged to men is a power move. Women displaying their sexuality without hesitation or made to feel shameful is a power move. The larger implications is what people perceive as empowering as in the historical, social and political context that has forever enforced women to behave, speak, dress, act, approach men in a way that they didn’t want to. It’s empowering to some because it’s a way of taking back ownership of something that has always belonged to you, but never felt like it did. Although personally I wasn’t particularly empowered by the mv, I can understand why others would be.
I'm middle eastern we mostly have a pear shaped body. I couldn't understand why it made me so uncomfortable to look "sexy" or be seen with tighter outfits and makeup but this was a aha moment for me. thanks for your great research
Oh my god I've always felt that its stupid that I can pull off skimpier clothes than my sister without getting too much attention just cause I have smaller boobs. These kinds of things were such a problem when we were back in high school with dress codes. So stupid.
Just..,,how does that not make sense? You think dudes with big arms are wondering why women are attracted to their arms when a skinny bird chest guy wearing the same shirt!? No! Bc it’s simple. My arms are bigger🤯
I've always been self conscious about my body and how it looks regarding sexual desirability and access. But I could not quite understand why. To this day I am always afraid that someone might think that I present as sexually accessible just because I dress too sexy. As a result I rarely dress that way although I would like to more often but the fear is just too big. I'm also afraid of not being taking seriously by fellow students or my professors if I look too feminine or too sexy (stem student). I never knew how to explain why I didn't dress that way but watching this video I realized that this was the very reason. I don't want anyone to think that I am sexually accessible although that has nothing to do with the way I dress a lot people think that way, so most of the time I just communicate my truth through clothing to be safe. It makes me sad but I am just too afraid to do otherwise. Thank you for giving us words to express how we feel. This must be even worse for someone who is seen as stereotypically sexy and or is a person of color. It's honestly baffling to me how the majority of women are treated, especially women of color. This concept is so engrained into the public consciousness even outside of hip hop and influences so many aspects of our lives. This is just crazy and infuriating.
I have been thinking about this a lot. I have been going to therapy getting treated for my SA trauma, and I realised that I have a whole history of SH/A from such a young age! I am Brazilian and moved to Australia at 9, and my first SH was at the age of 11. I even forced myself to not have a Brazilian accent when speaking English because it always lead to the dreaded question - "Where are you from?" - because I knew that as soon as I mentioned Brazil, a switch would go off. I've even had men then twirl me around afterwards to see the "goods" and agree that I do indeed look Brazilian. Like I was a pig on pit roast haha. That also lead me to completely reject my culture for so long because I was angry/embarrassed. I was sick of being hypersexualised just because of where I was born and the shape that my body developed into. Thanks for your great videos and enjoy your well deserved break!!
I have so much experience with being sexualized. People literally always feel the need to hyper sexualize my curves and as a Black woman I feel like this is an aspect of misogynoir and degrading black women to objects. This also has historical context. Thank you for sharing 💗
*Sorry in advance for the awful english, it's not my mother tongue* I'm a latina, and everything in this video made me think of reggaeton and latin pop music videos. Even to this day the figure of the vixen is found in pretty much every video. Maybe not exactly in the same way, but some of the scenes and themes of the 2000s videos are definetly still in use
The "blurriness" between desirability and accessibility gets a lot clearer when you realize that these women were COMMODIFIED in these videos. They were portrayed as desirable objects that people with the money or the social status to do so (i.e. the artists in the video) could acquire and enjoy like they did the other objects in the videos. What these videos tended to sell was the fantasy that the male viewer could also acquire all of those commodities (women included) if they were as talented/rich/macho etc. as the artist(s) shown in the video. The danger lies in the fact that everyday guys viewing this can take on the idea that all women are commodities without agency, and if they display all the right status signifiers they will in fact be ENTITLED to make use of them. Out in the real world, this mindset can lead to seriously messed up shit.
I think i get what you meant... I wore a skirt to school and it wasn't very short- i thought it'd be fine bc i saw other girls wearing shorts and stuff like that- but i think bc of the way my body is proportioned, i was singled out. it was rly cute too, i got a lot of compliments on it :/
I absolutely relate to the part where you're talking about how just because you live in a certain kind of body, whatever you're doing you get sexualised
There are a few gems from the 90s/early 2000s who stand out from the crowd of the mainstream scene. But yeah I agree with you th-cam.com/video/T6QKqFPRZSA/w-d-xo.html :)
i've got no perception of time (adhd in a pandemic) which is actually great. because it's always such an awesome surprise whenever khadija drops a video!!
I rarely write comments but there is one for the algorithm. I love how thought though your videos are and how well researched you speak of different issues like racism and sexism. And sadly, your own experience also contributes to the perspective you can provide. I hope that we as a society can change together how we perceive woman and woman's body's. I feel like I am learning so much from your videos, so thank you! Do not stress yourself to upload a video and take the time you need for yourself!
i’ll be honest: even reading some of these comments i had a mixed reaction. there was a part of me that was like, you’re complaining about being desired? but that’s the problem!! so interesting to me that girls are supposed to want to be sexualized/desired. it causes a split minded thing. one hand you do want people to find you attractive, on the other hand when i was in college i deliberately didn’t wear certain types of pants because i didn’t like the idea of being leered at. life is weird
But you see how you just realized “oh shit I shouldn’t wear that” bc it’s life These women just won’t accept it and want the whole world to change just so the can be naked outside and not even glanced at. Like no that ain’t gone happen they just want to control men.
The irony of women with curves being popular in the early 2000s and nowadays and yet I was bullied from about 2008 to 2016 for having these exact curves (because it was considered "fat" and the trend was to be super duper skinny).
Khadija, I am sorry to hear that you went through such a horrible thing when you were younger. I’ve been through it too and I just want to send some love your way. ❤️ You are a light and a positive force in the universe.
YES!! I love this discussion! My entire class had a very similar discussion in sociology. We talked about society and how we treat women as sex objects. Then we did a deep dive into all the different forms of entertainment, advertisement and really all forms of media and how they depict women. It really opened my eyes on how and why we as a society constantly victim blame women. If we're seen as objects then its okay to treat us that way. Then it becomes our fault if we're s*xually assaulted. The way we dress, the way we dance, drinking, being at a party, JUST EXISTING makes us culpable for being assaulted, harassed etc. I hate how it's always been like this for women all around the world. Like the story of Medusa! (I'm kinda getting off topic) Love the video BTW!
see your story about your instagram photo is really interesting to me, i'm aroace so any form of me being like sexualised or romanticised i really dislike, especially the former, but the thing is, for all intents and purposes i look like a normal cis dude, so obviously i'm very rarely sexualised, especially when compared to most women, and i already get kinda angry about me being shirtless for example being a thing that will inevitably be seen in such a light, so i really can't imagine how it must be to woman, or feminine presenting people to be constantly sexualised over and over again for just existing, my sympathy goes out to you all :( and you're absolutely right in the fact that media is problematic in this regard, especially in terms of the oversexualisation of women, like these music videos, movies run by the male gaze with suggestive shots, and so much more, heck, here in brazil where i live it's incredibly common for silly quote-on-quote family friendly tv programs to just casually have like a collection of 20+ women with not much clothing just dancing there, often in between ad-breaks and when the show resumes or ends. it's seeing constant oversexualisation that makes people think this kinda stuff is normal, i mean they see it everywhere, right? but it's really, really not!!
🗣Let’s get it!!! I’ll be back once I finish listening and taking notes 📝 I’m back: you made me think, bless my brain on this Sunday. Rewatching these videos is part nostalgia (for what exactly?!) and part 🧐 I struggle with wanting to be desirable in public. I don’t mind an unprovoked “you look great today!”, but it’s moments like when my coworker would slow down to walk behind me and tell *me* to walk slow that make me question if I was presenting myself as desirable in that moment. I also hardly desire others and I’m shy so I’m a disaster. I have more thoughts, but I’ll let my journal suffer lol The bloopers are me giving presentations to this day 😭
@@prynce_k5522 she picked such an interesting topic tbh. Well, all her videos are interesting but this one was like...huh, I never really thought about video vixens like that
This is beautiful. My own perspective as a white-skinned woman is not as loaded, but I relate in a lot of ways. My mom always taught me to cover up, and I’ve always been ashamed of my body as a result. The message I got from my mom was that my body was ugly and that no one wanted to see it. In reality, my mom knew I was beautiful and wanted to protect me from people who thought that my beauty granted them access to me. Still struggling to figure out how I want to dress and how to respond to unwanted attention!
Question for the Black sisters. Do any of you feel as though the misogyny and cultural aspect of hip hop/rap culture has directly stopped the Black community from progressing? I'm interested to hear thoughts on this. Candace Owens raised these points in a recent podcast. Some agree. Some vehemently disagree. I'm really interested to hear what people think. The richness and variety of Black music culture can't be denied, but have there been implications for wider Black society due to this? On a side note has anyone seen HeyParis's recent video about the racists on Omegle?
I think that the cultural aspect of hip hop and rap culture help's perpetuate the Idea of Hegemonic Masculinity and the ways in which in order for men to be seen as masculine means the domination of other men and women. Which forces women to perform emphasized feminity in order to obtain men in the black community. And forces black women and men to confirm in preexisting gender roles. That's just my opinion which largely includes infornation from my studies in psychology.
I see this more as a symptom of a larger issue, attempted genocide, turning kings into chattel, pilfering the Black family. Scattering them across the diaspora. So, so, much trauma.
What do you mean by progressing though? Do you think Black people largely aren't progressing? In what areas or aspects? In any case, hip hop culture definitely has it's negative influence on Black men especially but I don't think it's fair to say that hip hop culture is the reason for the Black community not "progressing". Because I am still unsure in what way you mean that.
thank you sm for bringing up the thing about curvy bodies being over-sexualised bc i feel like it’s never really mentioned and as a curvy girl, i find it pretty annoying ngl! like if my boobs were two sizes smaller i would be so much happier wearing cute low-cut tops and vests.
Really enjoyed the video, and thank you for sharing your story. One of the the most shameful outcomes of this hyper sexualization of the female form, is that many of us navigate our lives trying to avoid being sexualized, which becomes so stifling. We lose time in getting to know and express ourselves more truly when we are constantly trying to avoid “bringing the wrong kind of attention to ourselves".
This video is so interesting because of the way I live my life with my internalized male gaze. Because of the sexualization of curvy bodies, I tend to go on my walks in some of the most unattractive tom-boyish outfits I own. That way, I feel that there is less of a risk of being approached by creepy people while I'm just trying to live my life :/
The mental gymnastics of "if my body was different in x way, then I wouldn't get unwanted attention" that you go over in 12:45 is SO RELATABLE! Thank you for saying all that, I love your content
Khadija! Auntie!! This could not be more timely. I just spent all night in a Clubhouse talk about Kevin Samuels and I couldn't tell you how many Kevin Samuels stans are trying to use hip-hop culture as an excuse for their behaviour as if they don't create and participate in it. We need u on clubhouse sis. Someone pls send Auntie Khadija an invite!!
You weren’t that side tracked . I followed you completely 🥰. Did you get enough request to breakdown Tyra Banks show? Maybe tie it in with the whole ANTM franchise ✨ my official request 😊 thanks Auntie 💕💕
Whew thank you for posting this!!! As someone who is curvy (big butt) slim waste, caramel skinned, long curly hair it felt SUPER gross being young in this body during the 00s. People telling me I was sexy when I was very young and interacting with me in highly inappropriate ways. Also there is something to be said for having this look and people thinking of you in very ONE dimensional ways. People were either shocked by my intelligence or completely dismissive of what I had to say. I understand there is some priv in my packaging, but it's a very ODD type of "priv", allowing you entry into certain spaces to be sexualized and silenced.
Every time one of Khadija's videos becomes available on my subscription feed I experience a true moment of joy because I know I'm about to learn new things and I think that's beautiful 🥺🥺👏🏽👏🏽
Everyone I have talked to about that movie thought that was meaningless characterization, rather than an actual point which was relevant to that character's reality.
You’re so strong and beautiful, thank you for baring your heart to us and sharing your experience which I know is so scary to do publicly. It helps me to know there are sisters out there who more than know what I’ve been through and have shared in my experiences. I wish all of us could be in a room together supporting each other. Much love to you.
![โรงเรียนห้ามรัก โดนจับได้ตาย...!! [เอิร์นไดเม่]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/4u02Sbr556Q/mqdefault.jpg)
It’s always bothered me how regular (not living in the public eye) women have no agency when it comes to how our bodies are perceived. Just simply living your life becomes an act of “seduction”
off topic put ur really pretty
AMEN
Agree! In some parts of my country, girls are not allowed to wear short clothes because it can "distract, confuse or seduce the guy". That's real fucked up!
I agree so much. And this affects not just women, but girls, too. I was an "early bloomer" and developed a pretty big chest in middle school, and I got talked to multiple times because of my cleavage showing - even though I was wearing the exact type of thing other girls were wearing, not trying to show off at all. Looking back, it's so messed up that I was taught by all those teachers and administrators that my body was inherently more sexual, more inappropriate, than other girls'.
Yup. Even bending over to pick up something you dropped can be seen as an "INvitATioN"
I notice in some of the clips you've shown that the women tend to be in videos where the rappers are showing off material things like jewellery or yachts etc. as if they're part of this list of things the rapper has acquired in order to elevate his status
This is super insightful
yea definitely omg. this totally aids in creating the objectification riddled atmosphere, which obviously creates the concept of people believing they access to women’s bodies, but particularly Black, Latíne, Indigenous, and Asian women and their bodies.
Exactly... That's part of the reason why patriarchal societies have historically treated daughters' sexuality as something to be policed by their fathers... Precisely because they are property to be handed over to another man, their future husbands.
Because they are, just a version of being a "trophy wife".
👍 but this idea is not new
As an asexual Asian-American woman, I can relate to people feeling entitled to my body and time. People assume that I dress nicely or wear makeup because I want them to be interested in me romantically or sexually when, in reality, it's my way of expressing myself. When I was younger, I used to be nervous to even wear a bright lipstick color or wear flashy clothing because I didn't want people (mostly straight cis men) to assume I wanted them to hit on me or who knows what else. Something about your bathing suit story reminded me of that. Just because you have the body you have and do whatever the hell you want to do with it, you should not be subject to people believing they are entitled to it. I think this all relates to how beauty and sex are commodities that people think they can purchase with enough money, influence, and power. Your videos are always amazing and with all the content you've been spoiling us with lately a break is certainly warranted!!!
I relate to this a lot!! Im also ace and I grew up with a lot of internalized misogyny cuz I was always around guys in family, so I became obsessed with being seen as a tomboy and as least feminine as possible. Quarantine has made me want to expand my physical expression but I don't have the money
Same, honestly. I'm also ace, and though I don't have to deal with the hypersexualization that asian women do, I have a body type that draws men's attention even tho I don't want it. It gets really old.
Another ace chiming in to say that unwanted sexual attention is the reason I always wear hoodies in public. I'm a man and even with loose clothes, I am noticeably muscular enough that people sometimes get creepy with me. I think the straights should stop treating every interaction with strangers as if they're in a dating sim.
I love the ace community popping up on excellent channels such as Khadija's. Seeing each other express our personal stories and relating to topics makes it feel less isolating as an ace without a local community. This topic is very personal for some ace people and being treated as a sexual object of desire is going to feel different for some of us. Feeling repulsed in these kind of interactions is one of the most draining social situations I can think of for me personally.
Also ace :-) I remember working extra hard to learn or focus on the sexualized perspective/innuendo of pics and videos of people especially in music videos "train" myself to pick up on the sexual side of things cause I thought everyone else had learned it too. It always felt uncomforting but I truly can't believe how long I just accepted it as "this is normal this is how everyone is I have to adjust to fit that"
The part about being curvy and always getting sexualized speak to me alot. I'm asexual and kinda dislike presenting sexual to people and having a curvy body makes me hate myself sometimes. It's like I'm not allowed to exist and love myself.
Same I feel you sis♥️♥️😞
You are gorgeous & society‘s a little bit very much shitty, I know it‘s easier said than done, but how others perceive you is none of your fault, no need to hate yourself❤️
@@emiliesrensen6960 It's so lonely when people don't understand how you want to present. Skinny people can look cute but not us, we can only be sexual objects and refusing to do so makes people confused.
I feel you so much...especially when skinny people can be cute...but then you just have curves and BAM you're suddenly "sexy" or "inappropriate" or "distracting" or whatever 😟☹
Yeah I dressed up for the first time in a while. Never felt comfortable wearing a tang top but it was summer so I did. Literally I left my neighborhood and reached the first red light to my destination, not even three minutes into being in the car, and some guys started honking at me and yelling at me from their car. Like it's funny but it's also a little stressful.
4 weeks ago I was sexually assaulted in a park, and before it happened the guy kept talking about black women twerking, our lips, our hips, our booties. I was sitting in the park minding my own business getting some sun in jeans and a baggy t-shirt & because I happen to be born black and grew curves this guy seemed to instantly think I was a hyper sexual being who just exists to be played with & be a pleasure tool to make his fantasies a reality! Thank you for talking about how just living in our bodies gives some men the impression they have access to us without consent. U broke it down perfectly. Love from UK 🇬🇧 💖
@Cammy T
I just wanted to reach out and say how sorry I am that you experienced that. It must have been really scary, I hope you feel supported and protected by those around you ❤
I'm so sorry that happened to you 😔
@@Jojo-tf2zp Thank you so much for your kind words 🙏🏾 it was scary but I have a strong support network of family and friends. Im just in shock that so many see us black women as objects to 'test out and try' & then throw us away when they are done, we really aren't seen as individual human beings. It's so sad.
@@pikalee3492 I appreciate you, thank you 🙏🏾 the world is a crazy place!
@@cammyt9030 @Cammy T I'm glad you have such a strong network! 🙌🏾
Its very scary how pervasive that thought process is. Even in our own community. My experience with assault was by a guy who was also black. He said all the right things about respecting black women, colorism ect. but when it came down to it, he felt entitled to my body all the same. Just like you said, we're seen as something to "try out."
I can so relate to that bikini story, once after a night out I received a comment from someone that I was "walking sexy", can a woman walk in peace
what the hell...literally can I live
Once an oldish guy told me l drink sexy...wth
I see you. once, when I was around 22, I got a comment from an older guy out of nowhere that I was working out "so sexy" while I was literally sweating my ass off in "ugly" clothes at the gym, not looking cute but looking like a radish.
I had a supervisor say that I walk sexy to other employees. I found out about it later and apparently my coworkers would talk about me like this when I wasn't around. At the time i was uncomfortable, but I felt like i shouldn't make a big deal about it, so I dropped it
@@alexandrahamos6294 Like a radish! I love it
I was literally told i can't wear body con because it shows my curves. If I was more slim it wouldn't be a big deal but we've sexualized a certain body type and taken away the agency of women to decide when they want to be sexy.
Baby you better wear that body con
“Taken away the agency of women to DECIDE WHEN THEY WANT TO BE SEXY.” Wow. Perfectly said.
I've had the same issue since teenage. I stopped wearing dresses years ago.. last time I did I was with my bf. I felt very safe, almost invincible/untouchable because he's a muscle machine and an ex con which shows, pretty intimidating looking. And we had just met so we only had eyes for eachother, I didn't pay any attention to anyone else lol.. Before that it had been 1,5 years ago that I wore a tight dress. Crazy what it took for me to dare/want to dress up like that. Usually I wear baggy or weird/bad fitting jeans with hoodies or big t shirts. My guy always found it weird/funny that I wore such "ugly clothes" in the beginning, but he never really cared/cares about what I wore.
I'm a beautiful woman with a beautiful body compared to today's ideals, I have high pretty privilege and I like being pretty. I just don't like being disrespected or assaulted. Dressing down helps some
This is exactly how I feel i use to want to wear body con dresses but people are so perverted that i’d rather live in hoodies and jumpers and even those don’t keep me safe
THE ARTICULATION OF DESIRE VS ACCESS 🤯👏🏼
But sexualising with consent is fine. Imo both men and women should be sexualised in media to pander to both genders. Because sexuality is important and vital aspect of human life.
I have a really pronounced hourglass shape, big boobs, smaller waist and big hips and butt, and when I was a teenager I was constantly told by my mom, older sister etc to cover up even when I was wearing outfits that would otherwise be acceptable on someone with smaller boobs or butts. it made it really hard for me to become confident because I constantly had to think about how men would perceive me, rather than just being able to enjoy what I saw in the mirror.
THIS!!
Exactly. That's how I feel but FCK it Oma Wear what suits my shape. Why should I hate it just because I actually have a shape ?!?
it’s so horrible how this cycle typically starts at such a young age, especially if you’re self-aware .
Same, and since very young too. Men don't see age or an individual they just see tits and ass
Same
I'm sorry you had to deal with s*xual violence in your life. Really great video. The point you made about being voluptuous suddenly taking an ordinary outfit and turning it into a playboy centrefold in some people's minds even though a less curvy woman is wearing the exact same thing is straight up maddening.
It’s not some people’s minds it’s everybody’s mind. Everybody notices. You lying if you say otherwise. Golly y’all gotta just accept life sometimes of course something bigger is more noticeable than something smaller? Like what is the argument here🤔
I can't even guess how many times a man has said something like "you're too sexy to be gay" or "how can you be gay if I'm attracted to you" like, dude.
"Me having fun existing in this body is not an invitation" it burns, the T, it's scalding
I hate how whenever I dress nicely, specifically when my curves are showing, I always question myself like "who are you dressing for? do you want attention? you want boys looking at you?" and I'm filled with this sense of shame because I honestly don't know the answer to any of those questions
It sucks that you have those thoughts, but I get it. The only answer should be that you’re dressing for you, and you deserve to decide what clothes make you feel comfortable and good about yourself. Other people need to mind their business and be respectful because they have no right to your body or appearance regardless how you dress.
Literally me! HELP
Omg, yes!
Oh wow same! I’m 16 and a lot of my life already I’ve had to deal with this
Okay but the sunglasses at the beginning of the video makes her look like a superhero, I love it.
lol
I developed super early. Got my first bra when I was 8. Two years later I had b cups and my mom had to teach my how to carry myself differently when she saw grown men start to notice me. I was just a child doing child things but had to adjust and I became uncomfortable in my body.
This is so damn sad 🙄🙄 the way we really have to adjust ourselves to get by in this world is appalling
Ugh I feel you. Grown men started noticing me when I was still a child. All of a sudden there were all these things I couldn’t do or wear anymore that my friends still could. I felt like my body didn’t belong to be anymore. I’m sorry you went through that.
@@shamidkpzd we can't expose ourselves at all without fear of the male gaze regardless of our age.
What the hell to those men 😡
This is so disturbing.
I think I a lot of girls end up with E.D.s or D.E. around puberty because of this kind of behavior and beliefs around traditionally feminine or womanly bodies. The way people react to our bodies and going from childhood to adolescence/ puberty is terrifying, you don't just lose a sense of personal control but also your body seems to belong to others all of a sudden.
I know for me this was a big reason for trying to keep my body as small and non-feminine as possible (to a great detriment). It must be even more overwhelming for black women with the way that your bodies have been historically and culturally portrayed.
Great video as always.
I relate to this so much, worst part is, even very much underweight, men sexualize us💀
I hear you. I was flat-chested as a teen, and passed as a boy sometimes, starved myself and wore the ugliest, loosest clothing I could find to keep from looking "girly." Strangely, decades later, I'm at the age where I'm considered "sexless" -- too old, too round, too un-ideal to attract male attention and it's both sad and liberating. Do I feel "safe" being unattractive? No. I walk with an air of confidence now, and I think that in itself comes off as a challenge to certain kinds of men. Not a sexual challenge, but an ego/dominance challenge.
Yeeeeeeeepppppp
@@bluegreenglue6565 yeah you're absolutely right. I turned 30 this year, and had to really come to terms with how I feel about myself, not how the rest of the world does. I still have problems with being labeled a woman.
I realized that i had experienced gender dysphoria for a long time, but over the years i got more comfortable with myself. I still often think life would have been easier as a man, my choices and preferences wouldn't be challenged all the time. But these days i wonder how much of that comes from the external expectations placed on womanhood and femininity. It's exhausting not to be allowed to be yourself. But HEY, that's not news to most of us!
@@Neo.Jordon i don't know..it depends on what that femininity really means. I would rather not be labeled at all and not looked at as a body or as a womb. Unfortunately that, in my experience, has been the focus of what it means to be a woman and I'm not down with that. It's 100% fine for women to stick to more traditional roles if that's what they want, but it's not for everyone.
I personally try to just integrate the parts of myself i liked regardless of what gender they symbolize.
The "right to access" mindset runs DEEP in the collective consciousness. I've had men confused as to why I even dress in anything more sophisticated than yoga pants if I'm just going to reject offers of sexual engagement. Breathing while female is enough to justify access for some. I just...😔.
Ah! I feel you
Lol yoga pants…Why?
Although the media and these kinds of videos made it worse, as a 57 year old woman with "that kind of build" I had to deal with aggressive men since I was 11 (getting older means becoming invisible and honestly, I welcome it lol) It's the basic sexism and reduction of women to sexual objects, just on crack with music videos. I really understand and relate to the idea of not feeling that you own your own body, that just being out in the world with a body that society (men) have decided is "sexual" your boundaries are evaporated and you are always on display for "access" although ALL women deal with this, our bodies belong to everyone else before ourselves. Anyway, keep up the great work, girl, love your videos!
YES!!!!! I moved to dc for law school and I have been followed off the metro , had men try to trick me into their Uber, had someone try to take pictures under my dress all because I’m a thicker black woman so men think they have access to my body. I feel like it’s an issue often skipped when we discuss pretty privilege - there a difference between being seen as feminine and thus more valuable, versus hypersexualized and thus seen as simply a sexual object who should see this status as a compliment and should not ask to be seen as human or to have our boundaries respected.
@@bmoore-n-life I agree, the hypersexualization of black women is something that only now is being discussed and it's long overdue (among black women, of course). We all know about the "angry black woman" stereotype by now but the other, equally if not far more visible one in videos like these, the black woman as some purely sexual and easily available oversexed toy, has been rarely discussed. Especially given our history with enslavement, it's particular galling it's been so ignored and indulged.
This!
🎯💯
Thank you Nikki for acknowledging that ALL women deal with it...I don't think that there is one body type IRL that cops the brunt of this uncomfortable reality. Most girls/women experience it in everyday life :/
Y’all so weird to say things like this OUT LOUD as if y’all not the ones who created the beauty standard.
Nobody is dressing you up, y’all watch tv/internet/, see who you wanna look like (bc she get attention), copy that, then complain about it!!!!
I look around all I see is women trying to be as close to naked as possible, then blaming men for noticing how naked you are!!!
That’s like a man walking around with the tightest grey sweats he can find, then get mad when women look at his print all day!!
It makes no sense at all!
Better example. I dress like a cop, then get mad when ppl keep asking me for help😂
Like shit in thought you were a COP!😂
Bruh. Melanie Martinez's song "Strawberry Shortcake" is so relevant to this topic. My fav lines from it is "Instead of making me feel bad for the body I got
Just teach him to keep it in his pants and tell him to stop."
OMG that's one of my favorite songs besides Dollhouse Milk and Cookies and Pacify Her!
The thought still remains…That’s what y’all wanna change. You can’t change life!
As a curvy redhead (basically a real life Jessica Rabbit) who was a tween/teenager in the late 90s and early 00s, this brought up a lot of emotions and memories I wasn't expecting. The experience of being a white woman with a body type that is more associated with WOC and highly sexualized/focus of male gaze is so complicated and often isolating; just for some extra confusion, add being a lesbian, somewhat closeted until a few years ago... Ugh, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here; I'm just extra sensitive to this topic with the "return to normal" hitting me like a double dose of the end of parka season when I used to take the train everyday...
+++
But for men that’s all. It’s wild bc some of y’all will get with another woman and let her lead and/or be just like a man! Strap on included. Girl look like a dude and smashing you but you don’t want a man it’s the craziest thing!
But yea, you sound attractive, so of course men would want you? Kinda just biology at that point😂
What I absolutely love about Khadija is how researched her videos are. I mean it's great that some TH-camrs just express their opinions on certain topics without having content to back up their ideas, but it's so enriching to hear about research papers, articles, books and scholars !
Yes I just tuned into her channel like a couple weeks ago, & she’s the best. She’s very funny, yet informative.
Between her, Tee Noir, and Itz Keisha Uncut,YES! They're my ultimate jams.
Yessss 💕 Just an FYI, Khadija goes by they/them pronouns.
can we talk about how male Artists are obsessed having a relationship (sexual relationship) with women that have dated someone else, who is usually bigger than themselves. it's as if women are accessories that show that they are as big as the other man she has dated.
Yes I have heard that men try to date women how has been with a man that they look up to. Women are looked at as possessions nothing more nothing less
Wow...men can be so toxic
I was just asking my dad the other day how many songs does he know that talks about mutual friendship or general good times. I get so tired of songs about sex, girls, boys, money, drugs, and shit like that. I really want to hear more songs about friendship and love between family and stuff. NO SEX. NO BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND. NO BREAKUPS. NONE OF THAT. Just some nice classic meaningful things in life. Not that I don't like some songs that are not about that. It's just that I get so tired of it.
Yaye part 2!! Male Gaze is in alot of movies too unnecessarily. Also, the part about sexual desire vs sexual access reinforces the predatory status that a lot of black people and black women especially grow up with. For instance, once a young girl developed in my family it's an automatic assumption that they were having sex early and that's why their body is that way or a need to cover up to not draw attention to other grown men or males within the family its disgusting victim blaming taught to us as kids. I am extremely happy these conversations are happening because hopefully the next generation will stray away from these stereotypes.
I grew up this way. And it creates such internalized misogyny among others things. I am now just learning how to tale care of myself and love myself, late 30s. And I was taught this horrible brainwashing by my mother and other female family members.
@@rhambosia1 same I learned to embrace myself and my body outside of high school thankfully but high school was ruthless for me. I never wanted to be called "sexy" and I used to come home crying from the oversexualization I experienced. I was sexual harrassed a lot and it never felt right having grown men attracted to you.
@@DMusicLove0910 I'm so sorry you had to endure that. Sending you hugs 🤗
My mother would get mad at me for wearing shorts to bed because “men lived in the house” while the “men” were allowed to wear those boxers that have the hole in the middle so you could obviously see his little ding-a-ling. But anyway, if you need to ask little girls to cover up around males, maybe you need to get rid of those so called males.
I had that exact same experience with my mom when I posted a photo from Carnival. she did not handle it well and i was pretty much a "porn star" in my family's eyes.
I understand! Once, I went to uni wearing a fresh dress (covered shoulders, knee level) because it was a very hot day and public transportation vehicles don't have a.c., but my mom told me to change because "people would think that I was looking to have something with someone or that I wanted to call attention to myself" and I was like damn I just want to exist in a hot day in Mexico let me be 😓
Same...my mom is a very conservative indian christian...I had once with a sleevless blouse with my saree when I was 20 or so..she told me that I was leading men into sin...coz my arms were showing...and that the worst places in hell were reserved for those who led others into sin. She was very angry I couldn't say anything. I was shocked...I have never worn sleevless around her after that but it still makes me sad when I think about that
Yes!! My mother told me I looked like a pornstar for wearing a v neck and it really messed with my self confidence growing up. It's comforting and sad to know that others have been through the same, hopefully you can still feel comfortable expressing yourself!
@@cheeseskip Same, my mom is a very conservative Mexican Christian. I've wanted to wear a bikini for a while, but my mom would never let me because she tells me "We're modest" and "Guys like modest girls." So instead of giving me a bikini that's not as revealing as other ones, she instead has to go through all this trouble just to keep me modest which sometimes includes wearing a sports bra which is very uncomfortable sometimes.
Well, aunty. This was unexpected. Made tea at the perfect time 😃.
This seems like something people gloss over by saying it doesnt cause direct harm. But idolizing something like this can lead to a warped reality of how women *as humans* live and should act in your presence. And it can hurt :(
13:00 Yes! As a big-boobed woman I sometimes feel like we were left behind with the sexual liberation movement. I can't enjoy wearing tight-fitting or showy clothing without it being seen as inherently sexual, so most of the time I wear very baggy clothes that I don't think look great or fashionable, but i wear because I want to feel safe and comfortable in public
So why is there a need for you to show them? Women got this idea that looser fitting clothing ain’t for women…Why is that?
Bc just bc you have big titties, don’t mean they gotta be seen🧐
You literally said “showy clothing”
What you trying to show and why? It’s bs you want to be seen. If I don’t want my print showing I’ll wear something else. Just admit it.
Y'know, I always try to use youtuber's full names when talking about them because I'm always very aware of the parasocial relationship consumers have with them, but Khadija's just so nice, funny, accepting, etc. that it's almost comfortable using her first name.
I have body positive friends who always post pictures of their bodies. And they’re praised for their confidence and they’re care-free spirits. I know some photographers who post photographs of beautiful thin girls and those photos are perceived as artful and considered an “esthetic”. Both of these type of posts inspired me to post photos of my own body because I’m also confident and comfortable in my body. I also think that my body is art and it’s beautiful. But when I posted my pictures, I was asked if I had an Onlyfans or if I would create an account. Some of my followers asked to purchase photos from me. It was not at all the response I was hoping for. It dawned on me that I may have gotten that response because of my body type. I wondered if other girls with my similar body type experienced the same thing. I’m so happy that you touched this topic and confirmed that I wasn’t just imagining things. Men see these bodies in porn and these music videos and that’s automatically the first thing that comes to their minds. And don’t get me wrong, I really do love and respect my body. However, it’s both a blessing and a curse.
The male gaze has made it hard for me explore my sexuality
I'm married but I've expressed to my husband that I'm tired of being the sexy one all the time
He asked how can he be sexy to me, I answered I don't know.
I've never seen men sexualised the way women are. It's left me clueless
I can buy lingerie, eat a strawberry "seductively," take a bath etc. Guaranteed he will get turned on
When/if he does any of these thing, I feel nothing. How sad.
Atleast he's asking and trying to make himself available to being the 'sexy one'
@@starcherry6814 Do you want to have those feelings or are you comparing between the way he inteprets it and you?
@@hakunamatata-w3873 No I'm just pointing out how women are sexualised without doing much of anything out of the ordinary.
And how rarely see men depicted as the "object" of a woman's affection has affected my sexuality
@@starcherry6814 It does occur to men, but not to the extent of that of women's. every now and then considerably attractive men, Are sexualized despite not displaying any sort of sexual tension, but I will have to agree however. It occurs far more to women.
as a Latina, with the physical features that I have I've experienced the exact same things. The exact same situation happened on ig, with my mexicana mom she actually turned my phone service off because I didn't delete the bikini pic... its traumatizing behavior, and sexualizing her own daughter in such a harmful way.
You don't have to have an "Instagram model body" as you describe for men to feel they have access to it. I'm obese, have masculine features, and I've been groped by male customers in my work uniform like an animal at a petting zoo. Being ugly is not an escape from this nightmare.
As a Latina with a naturally large butt and hips but fairly petite everywhere else (small waist, naturally "skinny-thicc", I guess you could say), I can relate a lot to what you said in this video. I haven't watched the whole video yet but I agree with you on being uncomfortable with being sexualized simply for having a body. Just cause I have a big ass doesn't mean I want your sexual attention all over it, even if it's just meant as a fun joke. It honestly made me pretty insecure in high school because it was always one of those features of mine that seemed to stand out immediately to people. And so I'd wear oversized shirts and sweatpants to try my best to hide it. That and my parents would never let me wear shorts or certain skirts because having a big butt and wearing shorts somehow meant I was asking for sexual attention when that isn't ever the case?
I'm asexual ffs, I just like the look of cute shorts and skirts!
Literally the exact same thing happened to me in high school, and as a fellow asexual Latina, I had similar feelings of discomfort with my own body afterward. I remember a male friend told me that he heard other guys, many of whom I had never interacted with, comment on my "great a*s" or whatever. He said it in a joking way, so I was supposed to have found it funny or maybe even flattering, but it just made me supremely uncomfortable. Just the idea that some random guys had been staring at my butt this whole time, even though I dressed quite conservatively in high school, really freaked me out because I had never thought anyone could look at me that way before or see me as nothing more than a particular part of my body. Since I was a "late bloomer" and since I, with the encouragement of my parents of course, dressed modestly, I kind of assumed I was immune to being sexualized, so that was a bit of a rude awakening. My immediate thought at the time was that I must not have done a good enough job covering up my body, that I must have somehow brought it on myself, which is just... yikes.
Anyway, the part that made me most uncomfortable was that the "friend" who was relaying this information to me seemed to have endorsed the statements he heard. It tainted the way I thought of that "friend" because it revealed how he really perceived me. But what should I have expected from the guy who made "jokes" about me and my brother being "illegals" or how we would get deported back to Mexico (we're not even Mexican or immigrants?????)
Looking back, I wish I wouldn't have tolerated such [sexist/racist] comments, but when you're in high school and you try to shut those things down, you get accused of not being able to take a joke or of being easily "butthurt" and too sensitive. It's such a twisted justification for excessively sexualizing and exotifying someone because you're told your feelings of discomfort matter less than the lolz.
I've kind of given up on trying to dress "modestly" per se and now just try to wear what makes me feel comfortable and safe and sometimes cute if I feel like it. I realized it's pointless to worry about skirt/short length because, at least with the way my body is shaped, no matter how long my skirt is, it will always be too short in the back and too long in the front. Anyway, your comment really resonated with me, ty!
We understand that you like how it look.
I like the look of my print in certain shit. My wife do too. I ain’t finna go outside KNOWING me shit Is on full display bc you welcome whatever come with that. It’s a fairy tale to think men will change. It’s biology. No way around that shit. Of course you still gone get attention bc you can’t it it’s fat (like my wife) but if you wear some real tight short shit…you know it’s a WHOLE different look and now you just asking for more attention bc that’s the world we live in.
Imagine thinking the lion wrong for attacking but you wear a steak around your neck to the resort🤦🏽♂️😂
I'm so glad you did a video on this because the points you made are so relevant. The first time I had ever been kissed in my life was forcibly by some guy in a South Korea club. And after saying sorry to me he said he did it because he just assumed that's how black girls with hour glass shapes are. And I would find out later I'm far from the only black girl with a story like that. It is an issue that I feel more people should discuss with honesty and nuance because these types of visuals have a very far reach.
Thats actually insane 😱😱😱 sorry that happened to you 😩 it's like...are you really attracted to me or is this a conquest 🙄
I'm so sorry that happened to you:(
Bruh🥺💔, I don't even know what to say at this point. I'm sorry you had to go through that
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I actually had something similar happen to me...twice. Once an older coworker was telling me how pretty he thought I was & kissed my cheek! I was stunned and didn’t know what to say. My bf at the time told me to report him but I didn’t wanna cause problems. Then 2 years ago I worked with a guy who I knew wanted me... but I always maintained my distance or ignored his advances. He was the bosses son and it was a family run business so I couldn’t tell anyone. No HR. He even had a girlfriend who’d visit him at work! If I ignored his sexual advances I still considered him a friend. Then one day after he dropped me off after work he kissed me on the cheek. I just looked at him and awkwardly smiled and got out the car. I wish looking back I’d had the courage to stand up for myself. I’ve let men get away with so many things. But I’m wiser and learning to assert my boundaries. My body is for me and me alone. I’m no man’s object or fantasy and I’ll never let someone treat me like that again ❤️🙏🏽
@@angieinthecitydon’t everybody do that though? Ik women that would f a white Dude but wouldn’t date them. It’s many examples
Our aunty is giving us poetry in the intro, also the glasses were so cool.
Your aunty?
@@femmenoir8847 yeah that how she refers to her subscribers. Was I wrong to write that
@@Slm99 No you're not wrong she is our aunty hhhhh
@@chooseitwisely98 I understand thank you.
@@chooseitwisely98 reading way too much into this. That's the nickname she gives herself, and she literally starts every single video saying she's her viewers' aunty. People need to chill.
Can't believe I made the premiere🔥 South Ah, where you at?🇿🇦
Switzerland :)
🔥🔥
Mzansi🇿🇦🇿🇦🇿🇦
Joburg Here!!! 🇿🇦
🗣Over here🙋🏾♂️
How is she literally so pretty? Like her skin is backlit by the sun itself!!! I am GAY
In a video that’s bashing men for doing exactly what you just did. 🤦🏽♂️
This comment should be pinned 📌
yes to that immediate sexualization that happens when you're just trying to enjoy yourself in the moment and show off feeling good. like you said once we post it's not in our control how folks react to it. such a great video and love those two tops together btw!
I had to explain this to my mother a couple years ago,
“ those peoples reactions to my thighs are NOT my problem. Their feelings about my thighs are NOT my problem, I get to chose how to exist in this body, and they’re going to imagine me naked if I’m in baggy clothes too”
🤷🏼♀️
@@margicates553 I remember being this one YT comment about how this person who grew up in a Muslim country, and they said that even though the woman were all covered up they would still get s3xu4lly hara223d.
I also remember reading/watching a graphic memoir/movie called Persepolis (BTW you should probably go read or watch Persepolis, it's a really great book and movie), and in the movie the main character despite being all covered up still gets creepy looks for men and was told by authorities one time that she should stop running because her bottom bounces too much.
How you say “show off” but mad about the reaction🧐
Aaliyah is always a mood also living for the fit auntie
rip
The desire versus access sounds like the chef issue with companies like Hooters and their patrons.
As someone who works in the service industry, I never thought about intentions behind a straight man who goes out of his way to work somewhere like Hooters. Sounds like an HR disaster
I swear your voice is so soothing. I hope you narrate audiobooks one of these days.
Me too! I'd love to do that
@@KhadijaMbowe please do. Audible needs to hire you asap
It is called the 'steel-pan', an instrument invented in Trinidad and Tobago (where jay z shot one of the afore shown music videos) originally made from an oil drum and frequently used in music associated with the Caribbean.
Thank you for explaining, I'm a Trini and not many ppl know about the origins.
@@no.reply_ muah trini sister
The same could be said about Carnival in the Caribbean, the differences in how costumes are deigned for women or AFAB people vs men or AMAB people. A lot of het men in the Caribbean or at least my country, Trinidad (and Tobago), tend to believe that they can grind up against any women in the crowd and it doesn't doesn't matter what you're wearing tbh, if you were dancing by yourself there is a 98% chance a man will come up behind you.
It made me hate Carnival growing up because I have no interest in men in general, alone when I'm out having a good time but the best deterrent is to have a group of friends
soooo whats the sentence for cutting a mf for that in the caribbean ...
@@sirenthomas4595 It depends on which country you're from tbh
That’s why I never went, the idea is too scary for me so I said I was just too conservative or not open-minded but there is a SERIOUS DANGER in events where “free access” is an unspoken rule, and the assumption that’s what I’m dressing or coming for rather than enjoying the experience. AND IF THAT’S THE EXPERIENCE, I DON’T WANT IT !! I’ll just stay home and binge till until after Ash Wednesday.
@@jasminhippolyte6269 Amen. But I hate Carnival now bc of all that bs
Huge thank you to CJ the X for alleviating some major stress by editing this week’s video! I would HIGHLY suggest y’all check out their channel, if you like my content you’ll LOVE theirs!
CC's are enabled on all my vids!
These are also my small channel shoutouts for the month of April! Go give them some looooveee!
Ada on demand th-cam.com/channels/HdojZtRVlsx_aQFa12ZRpA.html
Intelexual Media th-cam.com/channels/QVsTJx31Q_6o1bW9BHaO2w.html
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Hi aunty 🥺 I don't know if you're still accepting small channel submissions but I'm a small channel and I uploaded a video recently and plan to do this very regularly as I've been working really hard on them. It took me a while to work up the confidence to actually post
I absolutely loved this video. As a young Latina women I totally get the stereotype of just being a sexual object, I try to refrain from telling people my ethnicity especially when I'm out, for fear of being exoticized. Even though I am of smaller proportions and not the stereotypical curvy hourglass shape I still don't feel comfortable wearing some outfits out of fear that I will be mishandled by men.
Making sure to never skip the ads, gotta support
❤️
The part about the photo of you and what people do with it made me think of a time I was in a club with a friend. I was feeling the song and having a moment, dancing while the dance floor was pretty empty (we'd arrived pretty early to avoid crowds), and a guy leaning against the bar took out a digital camera and started videotaping me. Instant disgust, instant anger. I was expressing myself, dancing and having a good time, but him *recording* that completely changed the scene. It felt like he was trying to take control of me and my movements, and by capturing them on camera--taking them for himself, I guess. It was upsetting, but it was also scary. Still makes me mad to think about it.
The internalized misogyny is so real for me. I hate dealing with the male gaze and sexual harassment, but when I don't get it there is a small voice in the back of my head that's like, "What, is there something wrong with me today?" because I've learned that my body is my value. Does that ever come up for anyone else? I always feel ashamed of those thoughts.
Also, being smaller chested it's been hard for me to see myself as sexy, because that's not what's depicted in media. I'm learning that these messages are harmful to all of us, especially when we are impressionable, albeit in different ways.
Also just want to throw in there that I do recognize the privilege I have to easily cover up if I want to, and how that can usually help me feel safer.
“as a big fan of the female form 👀👀👀” me as an undercover gay in high school art class
👀😅
See how it’s funny when women joke about how fine women are?
Being that we’re the more sexual beings y’all don’t realize we have those same thoughts but times 10?
Just really look at what just happened🙄
I think something to note is that the thought process isn't usually so overt: it's more of an assumption without real justification... so if asked you might say that of course women of that body type and skin color don't always want it, but your assumptions make you see signs that aren't there
that's a good point
I don't even look at them when they're staring but they still feel like it's an invite 🙄🙄🙄 like bro there's a reason I didn't give eye contact I can feel your eyes burning my damn head 😂😂😂😂
I feel you! OMG! As a Latina woman with wide hips and big boobs I COMPLETELY understand what you mean by being immediately sexualized just because you want to do something cute or silly or whatever...and then that's taken as an invitation. Also I'm survivor too; I understand the discomfort (to say the least) that can come from having a body that's perceived as "sexy" and then having to deal with the unwanted side effects to one's self esteem 😓
as a plus size content, I relate to your thoughts on sexual desire vs. access entirely. I always say that the more 'curvaceous' or the higher the BMI goes, the more a male feels he has the right, or the access. it's exhausting. anywho, I loved this video!
Thank you for discussing sexual desire and access! As a curvy Latina, all my life I have had people make comments about my body and get criticized for looking too sexual when i wear the same as everyone else. I've even had bosses in corporate tell me I look like I've already had sex! I have learned to love my curves and I only dress for myself but that sense men think I'm a certain way because of the curves I've been born with and cuz of my ethnicity is so frustrating!
This is why I could NEVER understand the outrage towards WAP. A LOT of these rappers speak about women in degrading and demeaning ways like their cars, money and women are objects that elevates their status. The idea of women taking control of this extremely toxic narrative and owning it themselves caused absolute chaos which just shows how far we are from accepting what they're portraying.
Their logic
Men objectifying women and treating them like sexual objects: it’s just human nature bro
Women owning their sexuality: outrageous, disgusting, perverse, can someone please think of the children!?
@@squeen666 Women's Logic: Male rappers showing half/full naked women for display in all of their videos is disgusting and objectifying. We are more than just our bodies for men's entertainment. Cardi B showing a video full of half/full naked women for display? Slay it queen! Female empowerment!! Doing the exact same thing that men have been doing and masquerading it as owning our sexuality!!
rickslick19 being promiscuous or hot isn’t inherently bad. Showing off ur body isn’t inherently bad. It is a bad thing when it is used by men to make themselves feel good and stroke their ego. That’s the point and this that’s the problem. When men USE women as a form of elevation, status or symbol of their own promiscuity and do not receive any backlash for this vile treatment.
However, it’s as clear as day when two women do it...I guarantee if a male rapper was on the track with them/in the MV ppl wouldn’t even care.
@@loveisanopendoor3532 I never disagreed with the fact that when men use women as status symbols it's a problem. I also don't think that showing one's body is inherently bad. Not at all actually. But just like when we complain that men use women's bodies and look at them as just objects, I don't see how Cardi B's video is any different. Literally a video of all women shaking their butts. What empowerment can women possibly get from it? And why would women want to watch a video of other women twerking anyway?
rickslick19 first off, lesbians and women that are attracted to women exist so that last part doesn’t really make sense.
Second of all, women seeing other women being in complete ownership of their bodies that was always governed thus belonged to men is a power move. Women displaying their sexuality without hesitation or made to feel shameful is a power move. The larger implications is what people perceive as empowering as in the historical, social and political context that has forever enforced women to behave, speak, dress, act, approach men in a way that they didn’t want to. It’s empowering to some because it’s a way of taking back ownership of something that has always belonged to you, but never felt like it did.
Although personally I wasn’t particularly empowered by the mv, I can understand why others would be.
Sexual liberation can't be a positive movement if consent isn't being taught along side.
1 million percent agree
I'm middle eastern we mostly have a pear shaped body. I couldn't understand why it made me so uncomfortable to look "sexy" or be seen with tighter outfits and makeup but this was a aha moment for me. thanks for your great research
“I made myself look better and wore tight clothes and was wondering why ppl saw me differently”
See how that sound?
@@TILIS214 when said about a child, that sounds disgusting. specially coming from an adult.
@@TT-zw4ib 18 ain’t a child so y’all will be stuck there I guess
Oh my god I've always felt that its stupid that I can pull off skimpier clothes than my sister without getting too much attention just cause I have smaller boobs. These kinds of things were such a problem when we were back in high school with dress codes. So stupid.
Just..,,how does that not make sense?
You think dudes with big arms are wondering why women are attracted to their arms when a skinny bird chest guy wearing the same shirt!?
No! Bc it’s simple. My arms are bigger🤯
I've always been self conscious about my body and how it looks regarding sexual desirability and access. But I could not quite understand why. To this day I am always afraid that someone might think that I present as sexually accessible just because I dress too sexy. As a result I rarely dress that way although I would like to more often but the fear is just too big. I'm also afraid of not being taking seriously by fellow students or my professors if I look too feminine or too sexy (stem student). I never knew how to explain why I didn't dress that way but watching this video I realized that this was the very reason. I don't want anyone to think that I am sexually accessible although that has nothing to do with the way I dress a lot people think that way, so most of the time I just communicate my truth through clothing to be safe. It makes me sad but I am just too afraid to do otherwise. Thank you for giving us words to express how we feel.
This must be even worse for someone who is seen as stereotypically sexy and or is a person of color. It's honestly baffling to me how the majority of women are treated, especially women of color. This concept is so engrained into the public consciousness even outside of hip hop and influences so many aspects of our lives. This is just crazy and infuriating.
While I was a huge fan of the Aaliyah intro I really appreciated last week’s pencil skirt song!
Khadijah looks especially gorgeous in this video😭✨
I have been thinking about this a lot. I have been going to therapy getting treated for my SA trauma, and I realised that I have a whole history of SH/A from such a young age! I am Brazilian and moved to Australia at 9, and my first SH was at the age of 11. I even forced myself to not have a Brazilian accent when speaking English because it always lead to the dreaded question - "Where are you from?" - because I knew that as soon as I mentioned Brazil, a switch would go off. I've even had men then twirl me around afterwards to see the "goods" and agree that I do indeed look Brazilian. Like I was a pig on pit roast haha. That also lead me to completely reject my culture for so long because I was angry/embarrassed. I was sick of being hypersexualised just because of where I was born and the shape that my body developed into. Thanks for your great videos and enjoy your well deserved break!!
I have so much experience with being sexualized. People literally always feel the need to hyper sexualize my curves and as a Black woman I feel like this is an aspect of misogynoir and degrading black women to objects. This also has historical context. Thank you for sharing 💗
*Sorry in advance for the awful english, it's not my mother tongue* I'm a latina, and everything in this video made me think of reggaeton and latin pop music videos. Even to this day the figure of the vixen is found in pretty much every video. Maybe not exactly in the same way, but some of the scenes and themes of the 2000s videos are definetly still in use
The "blurriness" between desirability and accessibility gets a lot clearer when you realize that these women were COMMODIFIED in these videos. They were portrayed as desirable objects that people with the money or the social status to do so (i.e. the artists in the video) could acquire and enjoy like they did the other objects in the videos. What these videos tended to sell was the fantasy that the male viewer could also acquire all of those commodities (women included) if they were as talented/rich/macho etc. as the artist(s) shown in the video. The danger lies in the fact that everyday guys viewing this can take on the idea that all women are commodities without agency, and if they display all the right status signifiers they will in fact be ENTITLED to make use of them. Out in the real world, this mindset can lead to seriously messed up shit.
The aesthetics of cute, sexy, and beautiful and how people react to them can be really confusing to identify and read at times.
++++
I think i get what you meant... I wore a skirt to school and it wasn't very short- i thought it'd be fine bc i saw other girls wearing shorts and stuff like that- but i think bc of the way my body is proportioned, i was singled out. it was rly cute too, i got a lot of compliments on it :/
I absolutely relate to the part where you're talking about how just because you live in a certain kind of body, whatever you're doing you get sexualised
This is why I've never liked (Western for the most part) rap videos. They've always made me uncomfortable. Even from when I was really little.
agreed!
There are a few gems from the 90s/early 2000s who stand out from the crowd of the mainstream scene.
But yeah I agree with you
th-cam.com/video/T6QKqFPRZSA/w-d-xo.html :)
it’s the outfit and confidence for me😩😍
i've got no perception of time (adhd in a pandemic) which is actually great. because it's always such an awesome surprise whenever khadija drops a video!!
FUCK. Feel that. Time has ceased to exist. Four hours could feel like ten minutes or a whole day
I rarely write comments but there is one for the algorithm.
I love how thought though your videos are and how well researched you speak of different issues like racism and sexism. And sadly, your own experience also contributes to the perspective you can provide.
I hope that we as a society can change together how we perceive woman and woman's body's. I feel like I am learning so much from your videos, so thank you!
Do not stress yourself to upload a video and take the time you need for yourself!
i’ll be honest: even reading some of these comments i had a mixed reaction. there was a part of me that was like, you’re complaining about being desired? but that’s the problem!! so interesting to me that girls are supposed to want to be sexualized/desired. it causes a split minded thing. one hand you do want people to find you attractive, on the other hand when i was in college i deliberately didn’t wear certain types of pants because i didn’t like the idea of being leered at. life is weird
But you see how you just realized “oh shit I shouldn’t wear that” bc it’s life
These women just won’t accept it and want the whole world to change just so the can be naked outside and not even glanced at. Like no that ain’t gone happen they just want to control men.
The irony of women with curves being popular in the early 2000s and nowadays and yet I was bullied from about 2008 to 2016 for having these exact curves (because it was considered "fat" and the trend was to be super duper skinny).
As a survivor myself, I loved your input! Ty so much Khadija.
Khadija, I am sorry to hear that you went through such a horrible thing when you were younger. I’ve been through it too and I just want to send some love your way. ❤️ You are a light and a positive force in the universe.
YES!! I love this discussion! My entire class had a very similar discussion in sociology. We talked about society and how we treat women as sex objects. Then we did a deep dive into all the different forms of entertainment, advertisement and really all forms of media and how they depict women. It really opened my eyes on how and why we as a society constantly victim blame women. If we're seen as objects then its okay to treat us that way. Then it becomes our fault if we're s*xually assaulted. The way we dress, the way we dance, drinking, being at a party, JUST EXISTING makes us culpable for being assaulted, harassed etc. I hate how it's always been like this for women all around the world. Like the story of Medusa! (I'm kinda getting off topic) Love the video BTW!
the fit is immaculate
see your story about your instagram photo is really interesting to me, i'm aroace so any form of me being like sexualised or romanticised i really dislike, especially the former, but the thing is, for all intents and purposes i look like a normal cis dude, so obviously i'm very rarely sexualised, especially when compared to most women, and i already get kinda angry about me being shirtless for example being a thing that will inevitably be seen in such a light, so i really can't imagine how it must be to woman, or feminine presenting people to be constantly sexualised over and over again for just existing, my sympathy goes out to you all :(
and you're absolutely right in the fact that media is problematic in this regard, especially in terms of the oversexualisation of women, like these music videos, movies run by the male gaze with suggestive shots, and so much more, heck, here in brazil where i live it's incredibly common for silly quote-on-quote family friendly tv programs to just casually have like a collection of 20+ women with not much clothing just dancing there, often in between ad-breaks and when the show resumes or ends. it's seeing constant oversexualisation that makes people think this kinda stuff is normal, i mean they see it everywhere, right? but it's really, really not!!
🗣Let’s get it!!! I’ll be back once I finish listening and taking notes 📝 I’m back: you made me think, bless my brain on this Sunday. Rewatching these videos is part nostalgia (for what exactly?!) and part 🧐
I struggle with wanting to be desirable in public. I don’t mind an unprovoked “you look great today!”, but it’s moments like when my coworker would slow down to walk behind me and tell *me* to walk slow that make me question if I was presenting myself as desirable in that moment. I also hardly desire others and I’m shy so I’m a disaster.
I have more thoughts, but I’ll let my journal suffer lol
The bloopers are me giving presentations to this day 😭
Okay, sooooo-- I was already thrilled to see a new video from Auntie, but then the Aaliyah nod in the beginning? Be still, my heart.
I've been waiting for pt 2 since last weekend. Thanks auntie🥰🥰 oof, the glasses😎🥰
Me too😂
@@prynce_k5522 she picked such an interesting topic tbh. Well, all her videos are interesting but this one was like...huh, I never really thought about video vixens like that
Khadija is really out here doing a full sociology term research paper every week
This is beautiful.
My own perspective as a white-skinned woman is not as loaded, but I relate in a lot of ways. My mom always taught me to cover up, and I’ve always been ashamed of my body as a result. The message I got from my mom was that my body was ugly and that no one wanted to see it. In reality, my mom knew I was beautiful and wanted to protect me from people who thought that my beauty granted them access to me. Still struggling to figure out how I want to dress and how to respond to unwanted attention!
Question for the Black sisters. Do any of you feel as though the misogyny and cultural aspect of hip hop/rap culture has directly stopped the Black community from progressing? I'm interested to hear thoughts on this. Candace Owens raised these points in a recent podcast. Some agree. Some vehemently disagree. I'm really interested to hear what people think. The richness and variety of Black music culture can't be denied, but have there been implications for wider Black society due to this?
On a side note has anyone seen HeyParis's recent video about the racists on Omegle?
I think that the cultural aspect of hip hop and rap culture help's perpetuate the Idea of Hegemonic Masculinity and the ways in which in order for men to be seen as masculine means the domination of other men and women. Which forces women to perform emphasized feminity in order to obtain men in the black community. And forces black women and men to confirm in preexisting gender roles.
That's just my opinion which largely includes infornation from my studies in psychology.
I see this more as a symptom of a larger issue, attempted genocide, turning kings into chattel, pilfering the Black family. Scattering them across the diaspora. So, so, much trauma.
Hell yeah!
What do you mean by progressing though? Do you think Black people largely aren't progressing? In what areas or aspects? In any case, hip hop culture definitely has it's negative influence on Black men especially but I don't think it's fair to say that hip hop culture is the reason for the Black community not "progressing". Because I am still unsure in what way you mean that.
thank you sm for bringing up the thing about curvy bodies being over-sexualised bc i feel like it’s never really mentioned and as a curvy girl, i find it pretty annoying ngl! like if my boobs were two sizes smaller i would be so much happier wearing cute low-cut tops and vests.
I really feel like I'm taking University classes, Khadija - you need to create courses!!! I'd DEFINITELY pay! Amazing work.
Really enjoyed the video, and thank you for sharing your story. One of the the most shameful outcomes of this hyper sexualization of the female form, is that many of us navigate our lives trying to avoid being sexualized, which becomes so stifling. We lose time in getting to know and express ourselves more truly when we are constantly trying to avoid “bringing the wrong kind of attention to ourselves".
This video is so interesting because of the way I live my life with my internalized male gaze. Because of the sexualization of curvy bodies, I tend to go on my walks in some of the most unattractive tom-boyish outfits I own. That way, I feel that there is less of a risk of being approached by creepy people while I'm just trying to live my life :/
Same sis 😞
yeah same although i’m just flat as it is i still wear oversized clothes
omg yess youtube been so dry without you girl
The mental gymnastics of "if my body was different in x way, then I wouldn't get unwanted attention" that you go over in 12:45 is SO RELATABLE! Thank you for saying all that, I love your content
Khadija! Auntie!! This could not be more timely. I just spent all night in a Clubhouse talk about Kevin Samuels and I couldn't tell you how many Kevin Samuels stans are trying to use hip-hop culture as an excuse for their behaviour as if they don't create and participate in it. We need u on clubhouse sis. Someone pls send Auntie Khadija an invite!!
I see the likes on this & just want to add that I have an invite if u want one 👀
@@JasmineDreams I'd like one please 👀
You weren’t that side tracked . I followed you completely 🥰. Did you get enough request to breakdown Tyra Banks show? Maybe tie it in with the whole ANTM franchise ✨ my official request 😊 thanks Auntie 💕💕
lol yes, but that will take us some time to research so it'll be coming later this summer
@@KhadijaMbowe make it a 1 hour video fam, we will watch it, Tyra show has a lot of packaged to unpack. Wish you luck💕😭♥️💗
yesss im living for this fit ~ the glasses 💕
Wow this outfit, the glasses! I’m living for the lewk.
Whew thank you for posting this!!! As someone who is curvy (big butt) slim waste, caramel skinned, long curly hair it felt SUPER gross being young in this body during the 00s. People telling me I was sexy when I was very young and interacting with me in highly inappropriate ways. Also there is something to be said for having this look and people thinking of you in very ONE dimensional ways. People were either shocked by my intelligence or completely dismissive of what I had to say. I understand there is some priv in my packaging, but it's a very ODD type of "priv", allowing you entry into certain spaces to be sexualized and silenced.
HOLY SHIT NEW VIDEO HELLO
Every time one of Khadija's videos becomes available on my subscription feed I experience a true moment of joy because I know I'm about to learn new things and I think that's beautiful 🥺🥺👏🏽👏🏽
"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."
Everyone I have talked to about that movie thought that was meaningless characterization, rather than an actual point which was relevant to that character's reality.
You are literally SINGING to me about the "posting a pic of myself doesn't mean sexual access" I've had to have this conversation a lot! Thank you!
You’re so strong and beautiful, thank you for baring your heart to us and sharing your experience which I know is so scary to do publicly. It helps me to know there are sisters out there who more than know what I’ve been through and have shared in my experiences. I wish all of us could be in a room together supporting each other. Much love to you.
Desire vs access distinction is SO powerful