i saw a tumblr post regarding body positivity saying : "body positivity has largely failed because people started arguing for attractiveness and romantic prospects instead of respect and dignity." followed with a reply : "nobody NEEDs to find anybody attractive, but everybody NEEDS to find all physical flaws insignificant when judging a person's worth."
I agree. But I think the root problem is that a woman's respect and dignity is directly linked to her attractiveness and romantic prospects. You can't be too attractive or too sexy, then you're treated as if that's all you are, but if you aren't at all conventionally attractive then you're invisible and useless. it's a maddening balancing act, you need to be beautiful but in a tasteful way. So if women have learned their whole lives that being seen as beautiful is how they will gain respect, and being fat is what's holding you back from that status, it makes sense that body positivity would quickly become about changing the idea that fat women aren't beautiful.
Yeah. No one has been ready to embrace their ugly. To not just accept having unattractive traits, but embrace and understand how much your looks don't matter in terms of how you feel, how much love you get, and how you live. Beautiful is a word with various meanings, and truly, everyone is beautiful. But some people will never be widely considered sexually attractive, and that doesn't mean they can't have amazing lives, feelings, and yeah, a great partner.
That’s what I’ve been told too and it hit me just how much stress I had just because I was like “I should be happier, I should get better, I should be trying harder to fix my self esteem” I somehow never realized that that was also really harmful
also can we talk about how the “that girl” aesthetic of nice clean hair and neutral wardrobe and constantly being productive aligns almost perfectly with corporate culture
I feel like in the US confidence gets treated as a lifestyle and not a feeling or moment, and exactly that’s wrong. You’ll never be constantly confident that’s just how it is so we need to stop acting like we should be
omg you're so right my mom told me the same thing, like if you never doubt on yourself you are dumb bc you will never change and will making the same mistakes again and again...
@princeparkook mytheory right now is that the hyper-consumerism here turns everything into a lifestyle that can be sold. If confidence is just a feeling in a moment, how could they market products for it? Its weird and sad for sure
That's eye opening. I feel dumb admitting this but I never ever realized that treating confidence as a lifestyle rather than a feeling is not how it's supposed to be
I've always thought it was kind of strange how, especially in America, confidence is seen as a personality trait - you either have it or you don't - and if you don't have it then you should strive to. It's seen as a constant state, something fundamental to your personality. But I've always thought that confidence is a *feeling*. Some days you feel it, some days you don't and you can do things to raise or boost it, but ultimately it's as fickle as the rest of our feelings, and that's okay.
the whole ‘have it or you dont’ thing is so true! i feel like it comes with the obsession with personifying confidence, which is being ‘that girl’. it seems like ‘confident’ has become synonymous with being conventionally attractive appearance wise, moving it from a feeling to the act of playing into what is expected of you. its always been used as an aspirational marketing technique but im not sure if that specific word has always been treated as a lifestyle in which you need to laboriously work to attain the title of ‘confident’ to become idolised by other women. maybe it has, but this feels different from the 90/00s brand
This exactly. Confidence comes from circumstances, and changes moment to moment. But people act like you can just grow it like it's a limb, have it forever, and never question its presence (even when it shouldn't be there).
i feel like “faking your confidence” only works for conventionally attractive people. people always try to find ways to “humble” people they dont believe fit the beauty standards and you can see this a lot on tiktok when peoples videos go viral and the comments are just full of people being mean to them bc of their appearance. its incredibly hard to just “fake your confidence” when there’s people who dont believe you should even be viewed as a HUMAN BEING because of the way you look.
I agree!! I remember I saw a tik tok once comparing how we look at less conventionally attractive ppl for example band kids who are known to be extroverted as annoying and weird while popular kids just as confident and loud but more conventionally attractive are seen as funny and sociable.
basically self care and confidence discourse is becoming like every other discourse stolen by the market, about buying products (material or not). everything can and will become a product in this system, just wait enough
There’s so much shame around having low confidence. It’s all “be confident” but when you’re not it’s all, “who’s going to love you when you’re not confident? Why would you be fun to be around like this?” Like, that lowers your confidence even more
This 'confidence' culture also inherently demonizes introverts like myself. Can we stop idolising extroverts as the only kind of people who can be successful?
@@yannagiraud9610 I don't find the phrase to be toxic, IF you don't take it literally. Sometimes, taking care of others helps you take care of yourself as an effect of your actions. I see it as a parallel to lesrning to love others, but most interpret it as "you're unworthy of love if you aren't in love with yourself" which is untrue.
I've been that girl in the workplace who was super confident. It fixes nothing. I got called manipulative, conceited, and treated like crap by male superiors when I know for a fact that if a man acted the way I did, he would be respected. I nearly got fired by a male boss for asking for feedback on a project. My very competant female colleague got fired for asking for a raise. So this "you need confidence ladies!!" crap is so untrue, because when you're a young woman confidence is perceived as "attitude".
Definitely agree with this! I was a super shy kid, I had no friends, was very easily intimidated in crowds and such. I was always told that I need to speak up, take up space because it won't be given to me blah blah. As an adult I realised that if I'm the only woman in a group of 10 guys, they'll still go "girls take up so much space!", and being outspoken and knowing my rights leads to harrassment and managers who hate you, all while knowing full well that if I'd been a man I would've been considered a brave entrepreneur. Blah.
True. People with certain social privileges tend to forget that those who are disadvantaged or even oppressed by the same social systems that give them their privileges cannot afford to display the same characteristics or behave the same ways lest they be seen as "uppity" or as you said "having attitude."
Also, 99% of the 'self care' industry, especially when aimed at women, is to do with aesthetics. It's all about that facemask and skincare routine, and buying yourself those expensive pyjamas, and that green juice.
@@u-lilhissy We’re not policing people, we’re being critical of something, there’s a difference. People aren’t going to like everything people do, if they were truly so confident, they would be unbothered.
As a girl from a third world country seeing the way confidence is portrayed on social media always made me feel sad because most of us here don't have the money for 'self care' and i've always thought that when i get money ill automatically 'be confident' coz ill afford face masks and gym appointments and all those cool stuff. Its so ironic seeing that people in those first world countries also cant achieve the it girl persona I thought everyone in first world countries could easily have.
I feel this. I had relatives in America and to me everything they had was just nicer and better. Then i moved here and nothing changed. I'd buy my clothes where they did, but they never looked like i thought they were supposed to look. I did my makeup like they did, but it never look right. That only led me to believe that i just couldn't be pretty and have nice things no matter what I did, so i stopped trying. It was then that they told me how cool it was that i could be so comfortable in my own skin and how they wish they could do that too. It's a funny world we live in.
meeee!!!! it's so frustrating seeing the that girl/glowup/self-confidence thing be centered around material things! we can barely afford food how tf am i gonna afford skin care??
Okay one other thing which wasn't really touched on here but ties in is that "confidence" became a talking point for girls as a proposed solution to sexism. Like, not enough girls in STEM? Must be the confidence gap! Instead of remedying societal issues which exclude women and girls from opportunities for success, or addressing that our culture relies on underpaid labor generally, or acknowledging that any field women go into ceases to be prestigious and well-paying anyways, this "confidence" approach made system sexism an issue of individual responsibility for girls to fix. It was generally part of the "lean in" approach to "post-feminist" 90's girl power doctrinal bs.
I think saying men have confidence and women don't is just such a cop out because there's systemic issues at hand and it just is nearly a lie? There's plenty of women with confidence? Confidence isn't simply asking for a raise, being aggressive, or being the loudest person in the room. Confidence can come in so many different forms and pitting what women do versus what men do is just extremely shallow and does not show anyone's true life experiences
@@SamanthaBartonYAY totally - and i've seen studies that say when women do act more "confidently" by asking for raises and negotiating salary, they're perceived negatively much more than men are for the same behaviors. so it's honestly such a lose-lose when the issues of sexism and gender pay gaps in the workplace are framed as women not being confident enough, when confidence doesn't magically make that sexism disappear.
It reminds me of a quote from contrapoints "when u turn loving your body into a moral imperative you will still hate your body but now u also feel guilty about it"
the idea of "that girl" is actually terrifying to me - it's not normal to be confident and perfect all the time and that's fine. Every feeling is fleeting and it comes and goes - just like confidence
being "that girl" doesn't imply 100% confidence and perfection at every given moment. the real meaning sought after in this subculture is self-actualization.
same i see videos about how to become that girl, waking up at 5 am working out every thing is listed noted down like tf why would anyone limit or plan their day i can't process the fact ppl want to be like robots its good to be organised but also know the difference between being organised or self limiting
What's interesting and a bit scary is that influencers and whatnot have essentially replaced commercials...these people can sell their _followers_ stuff and they'll buy into it.
Only me that feel like confidence is reserved for ”aestethically pleasing” people? Like, only so called pretty people are cheered on for being confident. If you’re seen as ugly in any way and act confident you get called stuck up, arrogant etc
I think the opposite is true When someone is pretty no one gives a f if you are confident. You already "have it all" When someone is below average looking, people are more likely to cheer them on because they feel bad for them.
Because toxic people try to shut down other peoples confidence to “win the game in a sense.” As soon as you become confident or act confident other “confident” or not confident people who are incapable of change will shut you down to make you stop being confident. Honestly it had only a small percentage to do with looks.
@@stephlee4355 eh maybe, I think people will cheer those on out of pity would be for people who are disabled, or have something that, in the eye of the masses, puts them at an inherent disadvantage. But if they're just.. not attractive without anything necessarily wrong with them, people are more hesitant to applaud confidence out of the idea of "what did you do to deserve to act like this?"
Society has us brainwashed into thinking our appearance is directly connected to our confidence. Many people spent thousands of dollars on clothes, surgery, teeth whitening, et cetera. I'm not saying that is wrong, but the marketing of these things both lowers the bar to actually do it and heightens the standard of how 'perfect' and put together people look. Like excuse me, may I just look ugly but still be accepted and left in my worth as a human being ?
Yup. I’m surprised that in this video she didn’t talk about how the beauty industry shifted its marketing message around the early 2000s from “wear makeup to impress the boys,” to “wear makeup to feel confident and beautiful.” They are literally brainwashing you into buying their product by convincing you that you can’t feel confident without wearing makeup. People don’t talk about this enough.
The sad truth is that our society is so warped that in vast parts of it you only have value as a person (and especially as a woman), based on how you look. A lot of like to say that we it's okay to care so much about our appearance (skin/hair/makeup/fashion) because we're actively choosing it and enjoy it. But the underlying reason for that enjoyment comes from the positive reinforcement that society gives us when we are thinner/prettier/fashionable.
All in all its a lot easier to be “confident” when you are financially stable or can afford the opulence of self care, vacations, skin care, a healthy place to live, a nice car, a nice bike, a workout trainer, good food. Its a lot easier to be confidant when you aren’t stressed about the bills or survival and all you have left is complete self indulgence oops I meant confidence.
God I wish more self care content was focused on stuff like spending more time around people you connect with, taking a shower, brushing your teeth, eating meals, getting a reasonable amount of sleep. As someone with depression, this stuff is what actually makes me feel better, not buying new clothes or makeup or whatever.
Or about "How to do shit when you don't want to do shit without feeling like you're constantly forcing yourself to do shit because nobody else would do your shit" advice. Or "How to not feel like everyone's watching you like you're a criminal while you're doing a completely normal stuff like shopping or paying bills" advice.
I’ve found a few neurodiverse self care spaces that are all about those kinds of things. It’s honestly been helping my mental health so much, I now have disposable tooth floss picks next to my bed so I can still do something to look after my teeth when I can’t get out of bed. I’ve found little changes like that have done more for my mental and physical health and actual self care than the ones promoted in most spaces. Haven’t mastered the sleep one but audio books help me relax, rest and sometimes sleep.
I have taught myself to include self care in my daily routine which includes basic hygiene and staying healthy by eating all three meals, then taking enough rest both mentally and physically and it actually helped me manage my mental health. The "self care" and "productivity" advise on social media doesn't do anything aside from looking pretty and hard working to others rather than actually feeling pretty and productive.
@@oo8962 I get what you mean, but most* people on social media aren't therapists or qualified on that level to truly be giving that kind of advice. You should seek help yourself and do what's best for you.
Damn, this video slaps. The gender confidence gap goes so far back (as young as age 7 according to some studies) that all this feels like such band-aid solutions. IN FACT I have a personal tale about this. A *male* religious studies teacher at my school lectured the class (we were 16-17) saying "girls, you need to speak up! This is why you don't get as far as boys!" Framing confidence as a mere choice is *not good* to say the least.
Right? And it's never "hey boys, shut up and let her talk" either. Now we can all treat each other poorly. Great. Like, I was reading some study the other day about self-assessed intelligence in teens-- boys consistently rated their intelligence higher than it really was, how unrealistic their assessment was correlated directly to narcissistic traits (which boys scored higher on overall in the big five). Girls consistently underrated themselves and were more anxious and depressed. (The study's actual intelligence assessment found no gender difference, no surprises there.) Anyway this study concluded with "let's encourage girls to be as confident as boys!" Like babe OK but you just found aggrandised self-assessment is directly correlated to narcissistic & low-empathy personality traits. Is that the society we want to live in? Girls get to be narcissists too? Nah.
This is essentially like the trope "strong black woman" where it seems great on the surface level but it's a double edged sword we're supposed to be so strong that nothing phases us and that we can save ourselves. It sucks because nobody is strong/confident ALL the time and you shouldn't be. I'm not saying these two tropes are exactly the same it's just how I understand and relate to it.
Exactly thiss!! I am confident AND a black woman, not a confident black woman. These should be separate, not all black women are confident idk why everyone is so obsessed with this idea.
Actually, I think this is spot on! I can remember crying or showing anxiety or being overwhelmed as a teen and being told that not only was I "being weak and needed to be strong" but I was also "acting like white a woman."
@@CiaraRouege ❤️❤️ All love to you guys. I'm sorry if you probably had to bottle your emotions, experiences, and all those negative moments just for the image of being a strong black woman.
This is why people need to stop making race a personality trait and see it for what it is;a made up concept created by white supremacy in the 1800s. People try to argue that race is important and that you shouldn’t try to get rid of it because your erasing diversity but is race, something you share with a few billion people on the planet even real diversity? If anything it creates tribalism and takes away one’s individually by being grouped in with a bunch of other people and creating a whole bunch of unrealistic stereotypes that end up hurting everyone at large wether bad or “good”. Honestly all race does is put people in the box instead of just letting people be themselves and put pressure on them to act a certain way.
A lot of confidence issues are related to depression, ptsd, anxiety, and chemical imbalances in the body. You can’t just slap confidence on top of all that shit. You must deal with the root cause.
Confidence comes from Latin, and it literally means “with faith”. So confidence is faith in yourself and not changing your personality to be “that girl” ! Just try to have more faith in who you are and your worth. I hate when people ladle confidence something vain and something that magically changes how others view you. No. It’s about how you view yourself. I may be wrong but that’s how I see it
This is spot on to how I understand confidence. I’m disabled and some days are crap health days, but I’m secure in myself that it doesn’t mean I’m worthless and incapable of doing what I want in the long term I just have some limits and that’s okay. I’m still a human that can be a positive impact in the world worthy of love.
I’m a female engineer and all the “women in stem” events and mentoring sessions can be so annoying… I don’t need to be more confident; I need to be treated equally at work! Being more of a #girlboss isn’t gonna fix anything because I’m not the problem, the male dominated industry is. Also Leicester is pronounced “Lester”… it’s also a dumb town name in Massachusetts where I’m from. ❤️❤️❤️
Female biologist here, different field, same issue. All the women in stem awareness days, lectures etc. seem so freaking useless to me. We went to a talk about working in academia once, where it just so happened that both presenters were women, quite senior in their field, and someone asked about how they could balance a job in academia with having a family. Basically the answer was that they were "very lucky and had very supportive partners". Obviously, I don't blame them for being honest, but when that's the justification for how women can get far in academia without sacrificing having kids, how is it acceptable to go around organising workshops and awareness days, pretending that what's holding women back is a lack of assertiveness? We don't lack confidence in ourselves, we just lack confidence in society and in its ability to treat us fairly without asking us to sacrifice things that men are just not expected to sacrifice. If society wants women to be more confident, it needs to put in the work and gain our trust, so that we don't have to second-guess every decision we make for fear that it will irreversibly screw up our careers, personal lives, financial security for the next however many decades.
@@teom.4888 As another biologist I can also attest to reaching the same conclusions. I've been trying to do a career pivot since 2019. Sure, I learned some things at networking and sessions for women in STEM, but there was no way that writing positive affirmations to help actualize my next job was doing anything. No one wants to admit that when you get highly specialized with a niche skill set in STEM that you have to just wait until you can apply to a position that is close enough. You cannot network or positively think a job into existing when it doesn't exist at the moment. 'Cause all those when all those women in STEM mentors don't know what to tell you when you've exhausted all of their tricks no one wants to admit that you do not control the job market and you are at its mercy. My confidence is decent enough, I got to my current position through hard work and interviews. Yet, to be told to be even more confident and negotiate that next salary aggressively and find a career coach just sounded like a waste of time and money. I can't believe how many people become career coaches mid-career and their bios are always about how they decided to change a their life focus to give back and took the time to retool (with a sig other covering all the bills and being supportive). Like dude, I'm a single professional female, I only have myself to support myself and I have to cover my bum. I hate having to use the necessary evil, LinkedIn where people click away with their tips to finding jobs, being confident and it is just exhausting . . .
THIS!! As a fellow girl in tech I couldnt have said it better myself. I could never pinpoint why these “women in stem” seminars I go to always seem so vapid, or never really offer new solutions or thoughts, but you worded it PERFECTly.
Forester here. Same thing. If I say something in the meeting, I get sniggered at or I see eyes rolling. But when I choose to say silent - I get the "It's like you don't want to be here" comments. I can never win as a woman in a male-dominated field, even though I am wy more educated than my male counterparts precisely because I'm weaker than an average man and had to rely more on my brain than on my muscles
I feel like the internet makes confidence a trend, making it seem fake and toxic (ESPECIALLY with the whole “That girl” and forced glow ups everyone is having recently). Don’t get me wrong, confidence is amazing and trying turning your life around is a good idea, but it’s not so positive if it’s become a standard to try and strive for these things. It can make people feel like their not good enough even though they are! Thanks for reading this all (Ik it’s a lot) 💕
damn, I am going through this right now. I'm 19 and all of my TikTok and Pinterest are filled with "that girl" videos and aesthetic study sessions, aesthetic life, perfect wardrobes, clean girl aesthetic etc- all of these being ways to "love yourself" and I fell into that. I want to be that girl and so whenever I want to study I'm setting up everything aesthetically, I'm trying to be confident by doing their routines and trying to be "glam and chic but also effortless". I've been trying to be this girl with all her manifestations since I was 16. Safe to say it is not working for me. I am not that it girl with the perfect skin and a dozen Dior lip oils. I have too much going on. Life isn't as effortless as their videos are but you become so consumed by it that u can't stop asking yourself, "if she can do this every day of the week, why do I feel like giving up after 1 day?" I couldn't stop comparing myself. I needed a reality check, I should really do as much as I can take and know my pace
You need to detach yourself from trying to fit into an aesthetic. You’re not just one thing or a box where you checklist if you’re doing x,y or z that style of living is so redundant and difficult bc at the end of the who are you really? You should be thinking of how to genuinely express who you are
The aesthetic is a selling tool. That's it. You want to grow your online presence, become an influencer and make money off of it? You film aesthetic study sessions. You're not into influencing? You do normal study session because what is the point? Treat it more as an inspiration maybe- sometimes pick an outfit you like, or a desk lamp from those videos. But that's not real life and unsustainable
Oof. I felt this, especially as a woman engineer. I was told by my manager (a man) that I needed to “be more confident and speak up in meetings” when I had been constantly and consistently interrupted and disregarded by the men in the room to the point I’d given up trying to say anything. I’m plenty confident, I like myself plenty, I’m just exhausted dealing with these misogynistic jerks. There’s no point in wasting my energy on trying to be heard by people who might as well be covering their ears and saying “lalalala I can’t hear you” 🙉🔇🤫
1000%!!! and then of course there are the double standards where when you DO speak over a man in a meeting who keeps interrupting you, you're perceived as not collaborative enough or too pushy/"bossy"/"bitchy" because having more confidence doesn't just magically fix all the underlying sexism and misogyny in how men and women are treated in the workplace
Yes. A male teacher, when I was answering questions in class that everyone was too quiet to answer themselves, told me I was”dominating” the room, and I felt so ashamed I struggled not to cry. My passion was silenced so that the men in the room who didn’t give a damn could say their piece. If I had a confidence boost for every moment I was told to shut up in my life I’d be a star, LOL!
@Anna Society is literally telling us that women are to blame for misogynistic assumptions others have about you 😑 I do martial arts and am often criticised for looking too dainty when I kick... nevermind that I broke 3 boards with one kick. I'm still supposed to have a tougher mannerism in order to be perceived as confident and strong, because apparently people can't notice your skills otherwise.
Right! Like what do people like your male manager expect- for you to light yourself in fire to get their attention EVERY time you have something to say or contribute?! I'm on the same boat as you- also a female engineer- constantly dealing with the micro aggressions so causally brought up at meetings and wondering is this worth my energy? Which "battle" do I put my energy to this day?
She hit the mark with representing that people are sensitive to environment, it’s basically impossible to find confidence just within yourself without the help of material objects, validation from other people who promote the idea you want, whether it’s workout clothes, teas, dietary supplements, new skincare. It’s so bad I can’t comprehend it sometimes, it’s infiltrated with white women pushing for feminist agendas, ew. I’m going off here but whatever I can’t I can’t right now I’m like psyching myself out
she absolutely does. i love how sensitive she is towards different groups and identities, and the way it’s put together. these videos are structured in a way that keeps me hooked! i love it
I literally got sick because of the "that girl" movement in 2020, i was 16 and insecure and i just decided to become my best self in order to gain confidence, i put severly high standard on myself, and i crushed. I was suicidal, developed self harm behaviours and anxiety tics, it took to me more than a year of therapy to get over it.
Im a disabled teenager and i gotta say it is so demeaning when people tell me that i just need to own my illness and be confident. It isnt always safe to do so and it is a very big step to present yourself as disabled to the world. Confidence culture often is hand in hand with the "everything happens for a reason" cult in which i think many people fall a victim of. Because yea sure when awful things happen we want so desperately to convince ourselves that we can move past that and be open and embody ourselves in a positive way but that is so much easier said than done.
Especially when people have their biases take over after letting them know you're disabled. The amount of times people underestimate and hesitate to provide basic accommodations is so frustrating.
Trying to tell myself that being targeted at work for my disabilities and losing my job happened for a reason. It’s exhausting and when I’m depressed about my limitations I just get told to change my perspective, but I’m being told this by able bodied people who go on vacations and have large groups of friends and don’t have anxiety.
hi same!! i have horrible asthma and eczema scars and my family jusg tells me to “own it” and “who cares just be confident” it’s easier said than done.
Had a doctor tell me when I was trying to figure out what was wrong (i was 15 or so) that I should feel happy that they couldn't find the cause, most kids come in with headaches and they're dead by Friday, and I was just a pretty young woman (or whatever bullshit creepy old men say) with headaches so I should be grateful. Like bruh I'd be more grateful if I could talk about my pain without someone saying "oh someone has it worse" or "but you don't look sick!"
Some years ago I had lots of self esteem problems and the way I dealt with that was to be more ""confident"" by saying I was pretty in the mirror, buying expensive skincare products, sexualising myself and also being obsessed with being "that girl" and the glow up trend. Obviously this didn't help at all, ironically I started having self esteem when my whole body changed when I got diagnosed with cancer, though at first it was hard to not see myself as a monster, within time I learned that I don't owe anybody attractiveness and didn't have to be in love with the way my body looks to live a happy life Right now I'm 16 (I still have cancer), and although I do makeup and like buying cute clothes I'm now aware on the difference between enjoying beauty and DEPENDING on beauty
it’s unrealistic to have complete confidence in yourself, but the internet made confidence something trendy and now everyone has hopped on that trend and it feels unauthentic
Personally I think it’s better that people are doing this rather than following the whole “Omg im so ugly 😣🥺 and I need validation from others” trend. I can’t tell you the amount of times people do that on tik tok, if people have so called “confidence” in themselves and that makes them feel better about themselves; then explain to me why are we creating an issue out of something with no problems. It only becomes an issue when you start to harm yourself or other people, this is one of the least harmful trends I’ve seen. People trying to find confidence in themselves by taking self-care oh wow so terrible.
@@fakefake1305 ngl I agree why are people getting pressed over people taking care of themselves 💀. If you don’t like someone eating healthy, exercising, and trying to help other people lead a healthy lifestyle maybe you’re the problem, people should just ignore it if it bothers them so much.
and internet 'confidence' is always for people who are *already* confident and beautiful; people who don't need confidence as they already have genetic and financial help to achieve their goals...
@@katfujioka212 Part of me wonders how real/true that content is though, especially if they have sponsorships. Public images and personas don't always show everything, only what they want you to see.
I feel like the confidence stuff on tiktok is made up of ppl who either actually have superiority complexes or are confident on screen but actually don’t like themselves irl atleast that’s how it feels on my fyp
Another thing about confidence, especially when viewed as a personality trait, or something that everyone should have, I think that's just very unrealistic and that its okay to not be confident. As someone who is introverted and often struggles with anxiety, it can be frustrating when people tell me "you just need to be more confident!" because its like they're saying it's "wrong" to be a quiet person or to not feel comfortable in certain social situations. But the thing is, I'm okay with being an introvert and I've learned to accept thats just the way I am, instead of trying to change myself to fit their ideals
Oh I had that exact talk with a friend who always has to be the center of attention when going out, flirting with any men in a 5 km radius even when she's talking to someone and I'm single and ignoring you in favour of getting praise and attention from others, like you do you but as a kind of more introverted person obviously I'm going to feel like shit next to someone like that. I confronted her with her behaviour and her response was that I had to be more open and enthusiastic and get on her level. Like girl, no i do not. I do not strive for that kind of attention from others, I don't want to change myself to meet new people. Either start behaving like an actual friend and support instead of exclude me or I'm not going out with you again. Glad we both came to the conclusion that we dont have to put on a mask for us to be loveable and worthy of being appreciated.
@Himani Singh I understand what you're saying, but I've spent most of ny life trying to be outgoing, to please other people and put in the effort to talk to people, make new friends, etc., but I'm honestly just exhausted. I'm tired of "playing a part" or putting on a "mask" for other peoples' sake. As an adult, I'm just going to live my life the way I want to. I've wasted too much time being someone I'm not lol 🤷♀️
@Himani Singh i thought about being snarky but this could be a teaching moment for you so let's break it down. Being introverted or extraverted are not mindsets, these are personality traits and your brain literally functions differently depending on how your personality is leaning. Check out the big five to get really into it but basically introversion and extraversion are a part of every humans personality, it just differs in levels. You can have high levels of extraversion with low levels of introversion and vice versa. Depending on your levels, your brain reacts vastly different to stimulants. A brain with high levels of extraversion gets stimulated way harder than a brain with high levels of introversion, so you'd have to stimulate it way more to get the same bodily reaction as a person with high levels of introversion would already have. Meaning, introverts get overwhelmed and stimulated by certain situations way more easily than extraverted people. It's not a matter of mindset. If you have to force yourself to be out going, social and what not to a certain degree, you will get overstimulated and uncomfortable in the process, because your brain is overwhelmed. The opposite is also true, if you are a person with high levels of extraversion and "choose to be introvert" like you said, you will be understimulated, bored, not fulfilled and unhappy. You can't train yourself to change your levels. Sure, they can change over time, personalities change, but you will be extremely unhappy and unfulfilled. If someone who seemed to be extremely extraverted has zero problems cutting human contacts to a minimum and being alone most of the time from one day to another, they likely weren't that extraverted to begin with. I hope you understand what I'm saying, it has nothing to do with laziness or the mindset, and extraversion as well as introversion are a part of every human being. One is not better than the other and forcing yourself to go against your and what your brains tells you for the sake of "growing" or "getting further in life" is just not beneficial at all. I hope you let go of these beliefs.
@Himani Singh not really, you're talking like being introverted is a personality flaw that has to be overcome to become a better human, while I give you actual science and research. Please, for your sake, get into the big five or any other personality models and you will see that you are indeed wrong, and will hopefully change your mind about how being introverted= lazy mindset.
confidence culture is why we feel bad when we rest in bed during weekends instead of doing yoga or swimming or trying to be the best version of ourselves, while we just survived to an other week of intense work/ exploitation.
As the entrepreneur of its own self, the neoliberal subject has no capacity for relationships with others that might be free of purpose. Nor do entrepreneurs know what purpose-free friendship would even look like. As a mutant form of capitalism, neoliberalism transforms workers into entrepreneurs. It is not communist revolution that is now abolishing the allo-exploited working class - instead, neoliberalism is in the course of doing so. Today, everyone is an auto-exploiting labourer in his or her own enterprise. People are now master and slave in one. Even class struggle has transformed into an inner struggle against oneself. People who fail in the neoliberal achievement-society see themselves as responsible for their lot and feel shame instead of questioning society or the system. Now, under the neoliberal regime of auto-exploitation, people are turning their aggression against themselves. This auto-aggressivity means that the exploited are not inclined to revolution so much as depression. *_Psychopolitics_* - Byung-Chul Han.
It gets so tiring when rest has to be “productive”. I had a horrible breakdown about this thought just yesterday and went on a walk to try and run away from the feeling. It became so overwhelming I almost collapsed while walking. I’m so tired of “trying to be better”.
Resting in bed can be a form of self neglect though. It's also usually a sign that something is wrong, like depression, which means people should be empathetic but not normalize it. I'm not saying you have to spend all your free time doing yoga or swimming but that other activities that actively help you recover & recharge should be encouraged too. Like doing art, gaming, socializing with people you like, many different hobbies & activities which have a positive impact on peoples health.
It’s like privileged people will do anything to justify their privilege. I had my attractive friend tell me to act more confident and smile more because people treated me badly because i didn’t smile enough and wasn’t confident enough. But i tried those things and still was treated badly. Confidence comes from privilege, and if you lack privilege and behave confidently, depending on which privileges you lack, people will often be even angrier than someone like you is acting confident. It kind of reminds me of this interview from Mindy Kaling, where someone asked her where her confidence comes from. If she was thin and white would she have been asked that? For women who don’t fit beauty standards you are blamed for not being confident enough for why people treat you poorly, but if you act confident people will be angry about why you act confident.
@@всемпривет-и1щ Why are you bothered by what she said. People in all countries can agree that not fitting the beauty standard can negatively impact your life.
Imo, the whole point of confidence is that you don’t need anyones permission to be confident. Both for privileged and marginalized people, if your confidence is centered on the opinions and acceptance of the people around you then it isn’t confidence. That’s just other people giving you their permission to exist. Although yes, obviously we do live in a society and privilege gives you less oppression to worry about, Confidence is not a feeling someone else has to give you. Think of any and all marginalized groups that exist in our society, LGBT, poor, neurodiverse, POC, etc obviously have countless and millions of confident people within them, despite facing systemic oppression. Also think of the MANY conventionally attractive people who are deeply insecure and constantly validation seeking. Obviously you didn’t say there are NO confident marginalized people or NO insecure privileged people, but honestly I definitely think it’s more complex than privilege = confidence. Only giving yourself the permission to feel confident when systemic oppression disappears or lessens (which could take several lifetimes) seems like the direct opposite of what confidence is.
I'm a dancer and also a Yoga instructor, and when in my third world, under development country, thousands of people took to the streets to protest and riot across the city, in deep frustration about our very corrupt and violent government. My heart was seriously broken listening to the amount of bulls#%&$ so many of my colleagues had to say on social media. Mainly the ones associated to Yoga classes, spiritualism, self-improvement, alternative therapy and medicine, etc. I couldn't believe my ears and eyes! the way many of them were so easily ready to discard their demands, labeling the demonstrators as "unbalanced", "violent" and basically well, "un-evolved"; not "aware/awoke enough" to take themselves out of their "unfortunate circumstances". Truly disgusting how great tools for self-knowledge and happiness as the ones I love and study are used in such a manipulative and cruel way.
I feel like these ‘confident’ ‘girl bosses’ are ALWAYS at least somewhat better off than most. Whether it’s money, fame, pretty privilege, whatever. Lower class people/ mentally ill people etc being confident seems to be looked at as ratchet or just not great. Plus it’s pretty hard to be confident when you fit that group. If you’re rich and well off, yea, you can easily say ‘confidence is key’. I really think it’s less about confidence and more about hierarchy and privilege
Also I’ve seen girls reallyyyyy rep being confident and claiming to want everyone to be confident. And then go on to bully and mock other women. It’s not confidence, that’s privilege and and inflated ego. Egotistical and competitive confidence is not the goal.
Honestly, I don't like how 'to be that girl' is linked with achievement ,confidence and self care but its mostly about improving physical appearance (which is not at all wrong ) but doesn't solve the issue of actual self care or mental health. This is also applicable for post breakup glow ups. The video was great as always ❤
@@ilon.k from what I've seen of the "that girl" stuff its not really about physical appearance beyond doing what makes you feel better (skin care, healthy eating, exercise). They usually encourage people to read, meditate, get up early, ect. Im about as far removed the the "that girl" as a person can be and still be a female so perhaps thier are nuanced i am not aware of. But from where I stand, it seems like something that has more positives than negatives. The biggest issue seems to be that it idolizes women who are presenting a very curated image of themselves rather than the reality that no one can be "that girl" all the time.
Trigger warning As a middle school student, I came to a teacher I trusted and confided that I was being molested by an older cousin, who was in his late 20s. All that was done about this was that a guidance counselor was called to counsel me in how to say “no”. She literally just had me repeat the word no at her, ✨ with confidence ✨ . No family members were called, no police, nothing. I was left feeling so ashamed, so let down by the system. And basically had to sit with the embarrassment of being in class with the teacher I confided in and knowing that they knew and figuring they thought I was a loser. I was 12.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that trauma, Angelica. And then to have that trauma magnified by adults who should’ve been helping you but they did nothing to change the situation. I hope you’re in a better place now. 💝 You deserved help and caring. Your cousin is a disgusting POS.
I am a teacher. What happened to you is illegal where I live. Teacher and counselor could have gone to jail for their actions. If a student comes to me with a story of abuse, I have to call Child Protective services and the police. A child would removed from the home and taken into protective custody. I know you might have felt like a loser but that teacher and counselor were the real losers.
I completely agree. Just want to add that I think a lot of people think of confidence as 'being loud'. I'm a quiet person, I always have been, it's just how I am. When I was in school all teachers would say I 'lack confidence' and described me as 'shy'. When in reality I just quiet and didn't feel like shouting over my peers. I don't think I was ever unconfident, but when you have adults constently tell you that you are, it does wear you down a bit.
“Insecurity screams, confidence whispers” is a quote I love and that reminds me to stop feeling gaslit that I’m lesser by noisy, obnoxious people because I don’t babble incessantly. Shouting exhausts me and I’d rather be around people who want to know what I have to say, rather than having to yell to be noticed.
I actually believe the “loud confident people” are the people with the most insecurity feeling the need to be heard, validated, & recognized. Genuinely confident ppl are quiet, they don’t need anyone’s approval or to be liked.
I remember adults would tell me I was shy because I'm quiet and soft spoken and it just made me confused. I didn't feel insecure about approaching people as a kid, if anything having these things pointed out created insecurities. I talked to anyone I wanted I just didn't like talking over people and talking loudly like you. I remember I would walk around my small town just to talk and hang out w my favorite shopkeepers/employees who were like 16 year old girls when I was like 10 lol
The thing is true confidence would mean you wouldn't really care if others thought it was ladylike. I get what you are saying though. I think we all care at least a little about what others think and it's hard to be confident when you get mixed messages on how you should behave.
Maybe the problem is that confidence and assertion is usually interpreted as being loud and aggressive when in fact it's all about being confident in your work and asserting your personal values through tact words and deeds. So far, social media women tend to act super loud and aggressive (even cussing or disrespecting people) to show confidence and assertion, which is the origin of this unladylike thing.
@TK Raid you're making justifications for sexism based on Nothing real, being lady like has been a misogynistic standard for decades before the internet existed
Fast fashion companies really be clowning ppl with some buzzwords and marketing stunts ... Friggin horrible how on the other side of the world ppl are being payed scraps
Getting a Black woman therapist changed my life. Not that it solved all my problems, but having someone who understood both MY trauma and my family's trauma was HUGE. Self care for me is about accepting myself and being able to craft a lifestyle where I am meeting my own needs, and not looking for others to do so. That's the hard work that doesn't look cute on Instagram! It's been very unglamorous and expensive, but worth it to be able to move forward with my life and see my inherent value. I love my at-home matcha lattes but they don't fix my mental health!! This is why the that girl trend bores me to death. I don't want to think about how I look while I'm WFH/moisturizing/drinking water?? That's not what it's about.
Ik what u mean. I’m half Korean half white and my white dad dragged me to a bunch of white therapists bc of issues I was having w my Korean mom. They didn’t understand anything ab what I was going through or my mom and me’s culture. U gotta have someone that knows ab u and knows what the inside of ur house looks like
I’m white, but having a black female therapist was life altering. White therapists have either avoided problems, or just stated that my problems could be solved with a positive attitude.
There’s also a difference between confidence and aggressively forcing everyone around you to agree with or accept ALL aspects of your persona. I also have a different meaning for confidence. Confidence for me, growing up has always been more of an existence neutrality . It didn’t mean thinking I was the best, can do the best 24/7 and I’m never sad or self-conscious. It was hey I’m existing, like everyone else, I’m running the same race and at the end of the day we’re all going the same place. Just do you until it’s over.
Yeah, for me confidence means forgiving my own human flaws and mistakes just as much as I would forgive my friends' flaws and mistakes. I don't look at my friends and go "oh, gross, you're breaking out all over your face, nobody's going to want to date you" because that's cruel and untrue, so I try my best not to say those kinds of things to myself. It's an inward feeling. You can feel insecure in the most expensive outfit, you can feel confident stark naked. There's no way to buy it or diet into it... It comes from the practice of being kind to yourself and others. But that's not marketable so that's not the way companies like to push it.
I like the values of self-respect or self-compassion more than self-love. "I'm a human just trying my best, my life is valuable even on bad days, I'm okay with my messy parts" is a much more sustainable mindset.
As someone who struggles with mental/physical disabilities, as many others do, it's difficult to exist in this world during this era of "productivity". You feel like you're missing something that every else has & feel immense guilt, because you want to be productive but literally can't match everyone's standards so you're just seen as lazy. I see others going to work, then grabbing groceries, go meet a friend for coffee and STILL come home and do their chores/skincare/whatever. They can do things like that day after day & even still go out on the weekends, yet for some of us we are having to plan just grocery shopping as our entire plan for the day, and even plan multiple days of recovery after. :/
"Just be confident" sounds so easy but its such a privileged statement...As someone with diagnosed autism and anxiety disorder I cant just "be confident". I wish it was that simple 😅
I have this same problem with the whole "law of attraction" and "manifestation" narrative, which I also think has a cult-like behaviour. If you're struggling to pay the bills, you just have a "bad money mindset". You're not putting out wealthy vibrations into the universe, cause if you did you would be attracting it back to you. It acts as if systemic poverty doesn't exist, some people don't have certain advantages over others (most influencers who preach this are thin, young, attractive, charismatic, etc.), random good or bad luck isn't a factor, etc. Some people work REALLY REALLY hard, and have positive attitudes, but shit just doesn't work out for one reason or another. Maybe because they're burdened with student debt and a shitty economy with unaffordable living expenses and low wages. But don't look up at the politicians, the systems of oppression, the corporations that manipulate us, nope. Don't look there. The problem is within you. It's such a toxic, victim blaming, white-washed neo-liberal interpretation of Eastern philosophy, and it's spreading like the plague on Tiktok & IG.
Oh my god, YES. I always think of law of attractive and “vibrations” thing as a nonsense BS thing. My main issue is when it’s used against serious stuff and made seen as if YOU are the issue if something somehow isn’t clicking…. Like when I opened up about bullying to a *coach* She told me that the reason I get this treatment is how I vibrate to others and allow them to treat me that way or that my confidence levels that speak to others to treat me this way…. It really hurt me and it made it worse for me the whole bullying experience. now I do understand what she meant, sometimes some behaviors makes it easier to have bad people around and how they treat us, such as people pleasing or being too nice, but this doesn’t always apply to us and the way she said it was too cold… As if awful people don’t exist or if they do then somehow you contribute to it or it was your fault, they don’t say it that way but the way they phrase things is exactly that way. like as if I say responsible for shitty individual’s behaviours.
@@marinaSassygUrl88 I am so sorry a "coach" spoke to you that way. It's sad that you were vulnerable enough to open up about your bullying experience, and she basically responded by bullying you yet again. If you applied this same thought process to a r*pe victim, it's SO obviously wrong in that context to say you were "vibrating to allow others to treat you that way". I think even she would agree that line of thinking is so wrong, but why is it then ok in another situation? Especially cause so many kids get bullied just for being - being fat, being black, being an immigrant, being gay, being on the autism spectrum, etc. It's the bigotry of the abuser that's the problem, and you were just trying to process your experience and move on from it, not put yourself further down the rabbit hole of blaming yourself. So from this totally unqualified person, I hope you are able to find healing and closure.
@@CasaDuroTinyHome thank you very much- I can’t thank you enough for your sweetness and kind words you said to me. It’s very rare how few people can understand why this is fucked up, and you just made me happy and validated my feelings about this so thank you 🌺💜💜 The whole situation was very disgusting for me to process. I was on this app that is used for only speaking on video calls- like Skype, but no picture just voice. So you meet different people and just talk- no messaging. I forgot the name of the app, I actually tried to forget the whole experience and everyone there bc there were a lot of douchebags on there anyways. So anyways, I enter this chat room- or let me say speaking room- and I met different people. My main goal was to get more confident, and feel less anxiety, cause I have a terrible social anxiety and I suffer from confidence issues. Well that was a BAD idea cause it only made me feel worse, when some people would dislike something I say or not follow me back or unfollow me after a chat ( you can follow people and have profile and bio but can’t actually message by chatting only by speaking ). So anyways, in this chat room, I met this so called “coach” and, I thought it would be a good idea to share my experience and - I don’t remember why exactly but I am sure she asked us something and then I went ahead and shared that. I wasn’t too happy about my situation so it must’ve been a question I replied to. After that, she started making it all about her self and trying to turn everything I say into “ oh my gosh I used to be just like youuuuuuu I remember I wasn’t able to stand up for myself” or “ it took me so longggg to be confident and i was just like you” and then went on and on about her experiences and lecturing me about how she got where she is now- a confident strong women that she wouldn’t have dreamed of in the past…. to the point where I don’t even remember I had to speak about ME and it almost felt like it was about her. She gave me a pretty self centred person vibe. The thing that made it worse, is that other people were in the chat, and I felt so small when she was making it seem like it had to be all me and if I only was stronger than I could’ve avoided this. I mean I even tried to sympathise with another women that opened up about her bullying experience and that’s when she comes in she interrupts me - in an obvious annoyed voice “ excuse me, there’s a truth to that [referring to me saying that it’s the bully’s fault for doing that] but we can vibrate certain things to let others know how they treat us- it’s our vibrations “ and went on and on about it. Hell I even felt so brainwashed and I was so confused- and actually believed if I had “ vibrated” differently it wouldn’t have happened. Not only that but her tune and attitude were what struck me the most- and I blamed that on myself, I said maybe I am sensitive that’s why I thought she was rude but now that I think about it, no she is actually rude. So yeah, this was an experience that really fucked me up. I was at the most vulnerable place- and I was still hurting from the bullying that wasn’t too long ago- and being on that app and hearing these things made it alllll so much worse and hurt me more than benefit me. I am okay with lessons and learning- but this is a classic victim shaming in a new age. They always try to make it sound like we are stupid if we argue against this- but these people are the problem. And exactly, you wouldn’t say that to a rape victim, why to a bullying victim? What’s the difference? It’s not like I knew these people that bullied me and then I let them do it- they had issues and resorted to me. They were a gang and I couldn’t do shit cause all the classroom is on their side cause I am not really social with anyone, so I can’t do anything. I even reported them but to no use.
It's literally just a secular version of the prosperity gospel, the Protestant thing where if you haven't gotten wealth then you haven't put enough faith and prayer to God, had enough positive thoughts, and *haven't given the church enough money* . God or the universes, prayer or manifestation, faith or mindset. It always ends with you being asked to open your wallet to make it happen. These new manifestation gurus act like they're pulling something new, but it's the oldest business in the books!
fr someone will post smtg like “I used this audio and the next day I got an iPad and $100 more in my allowance!” like at that point it has nothing to do with the audio and everything to do with your rich parents lmao
To me confidence might be something a little different than to other people. The german equivalent to confidence is „Selbstbewusstsein“ which directly translates to „selfawareness“. You are aware of your strengths and weaknesses thus know your self worth and be satisfied with who you are while working on your ‚flaws‘ at the same time! And I think that is definitely something everyone should have. But I also have to agree that social media turned it into a toxic trend by ignoring the fact that gaining confidence is a process that takes a lot of time and self reflection. Obviously the way you are treated contributes to your level of confidence and society needs to change in that matter.
exactly! corporations capitalizing off of the idea of confidence being a concept you have to yearn or strive for completely defeats the purpose of what confidence should truly be about: self-assurance, or self-awareness as you've mentioned. its easy to water down confidence as simply just being conventionally attractive or living a privileged lifestyle, but that instead pushes the idea and pressure of consistently having to maintain that perfectly-crafted life or kickass image you give to yourself all in the name of "confidence" or to seem like you have your shit together. but true confidence is about breaking free from external expectations of how confidence is supposed to look like or feel like, no matter your background. its about accepting all the parts of yourself youre supposed to shun. instead of trying to rid yourself of your insecurities or trying to glamorize your insecurities, those should instead be validated as something a natural part of being human instead of a weakness that stunts you from being "confident". confidence shouldnt be something objectively/collectively decided for you, but instead something you possess internally as an individual out of full faith and belief in your worth just as you are, regardless of whether or not that fits into what society imposes as "confidence".
@@cannedcondensedmilk Yes! And it's really telling that the people who are preaching these unrealistic ways to be confident such as writing 50 affirmations every day or some ridiculous activities are people who are rich and conventionally attractive who doesn't have to worry about where they're going to get the money to buy necessities and pay their bills. It's quite infuriating to think about.
I'm a 26 year old woman and my own parents have weaponized confidence against me. Anytime things aren't going particularly well for me (I have a lot of mental health issues), my "lacking confidence" (?) is thrown in my face. Anytime I was made fun of as a kid, it was blamed on my confidence. Everything gets blamed on the fact that my confidence just isn't high enough. So fucking irritating. Edit: I also believe they denied getting me mental health treatment when I was a minor because of this. I begged for help as a kid and never got it, and had to deal with diagnosis and treatment as an adult on my own.
the idea that things that happen to other people or things that are done to them is up to them is just a harmful mindset in general. like how is it that the people who make the choice of bullying you aren’t to blame but you are? no matter who you are and however you behave (as long as you’re not harming other people), you don’t deserve such treatment. it’s very much victim blaming and i can’t believe people genuinely think that way.
Yeah even in adulthood having confidence or lack thereof can and will be used against you, people will brand it as rightfully taking you down a peg or using it as an excuse to walk all over you, you can't win
I have always hated how people blame peoples actions on someone elses inactions. Sometimes people are just terrible (especially children) and it has nothing to do with the person being bullied.
The "lean in" school of thought is so damaging not just to women, but to society as a whole. I can't talk about all fields, but at least in my field I've seen plenty of men in senior positions be overly confident for no reason, be great at talking bullshit and underdelivering, followed by everyone around them pretending that no one could've seen it coming, rinse and repeat. When so many men get ahead by overpromising and underdelivering, why are we telling women to imitate men? How is society benefiting from investing in delusional people with over-inflated egos who can't realistically assess their limitations and waste everyone's time and resources in the process? Why would companies rather hire someone who is good at manipulating them in the interview room, rather than someone who can actually do the job properly? The one case when businesses will work to their own disadvantage, and it's all in the name of not bursting the bubble of the male ego. Surely the best way forward would be to encourage men to be more realistic when assessing their abilities, rather than telling women they should overestimate theirs.
YES!!!! And also because when women just turn up with like, a realistic and fair amount of confidence it actually backfires most of the time. Like all the things they tell us to do, as for a raise, speak up etc. are proven to be received negatively when a woman does them. Everything you said is so true, the number of delusional men I’ve dealt with is hard to even process
There’s lots of middle ground that’s getting ignored between true confidence and a type of non-confident, over inflated ego. I think the perception of “imitating men”, is asking for what you want and knowing how to advocate for yourself. I never thought it was about being an over promising underachiever. But more, not waiting for permission or until you “feel” like you deserve it. Which for women can mean waiting to be overqualified and receive some sort of outside validation before taking the plunge. So yes, have the confidence of a mediocre white man. Also confidence isn’t freedom from consequences, if the powers that be reacted well to confident women, we wouldn’t be having this conversation and this systemic gap wouldn’t exist. Knowing how to navigate the consequences that may come is also part of confidence Imo. Confidence also looks very different than the shallow girl bossing that’s peddled to us. It can be reserved, calm and strategic instead of stereotypically masculine assertiveness. It’s also sold as a permanent state of being instead of the fleeting feeling that it is and a lifelong practice and skill, one’s that messy and non-linear but worth undertaking.
I hate what Mercedes did. She is such a gatekeeper with money that isn’t even hers! I totally agree, instead of making candidates jump through hoops to prove their salary, just be upfront with the budget. I can’t believe she was comfortable with sharing that.
it's actually very normal and expected what she did. Companies tell their HR people to try and give as low of a salary as possible so really she was just doing her job. (I dont know why she shared it as though it were something to brag about though) As a potential employee best practice is to always ask the salary range they offer for the position, or just ask way higher than you're hoping to realistically get.
Not a view I personally subscribe to: But it’s not Mercedes’ money, it’s her job to guard the company’s interests. As an applicant, you have to watch out for your own interests- why should private institutions do it for you? It’s not the best system, but this is why people need to have more candid conversations about pay. If we have a better sense of what our peers/contemporaries are paid, we should ask for that. Never lowball yourself. It’s not necessarily confidence, it’s also imperfect information.
what i don't get about this is she could have offered the candidate 100k and everybody would come out fine. like the candidate would have gotten more then they thought and the company would still pay less then they planned. she wouldn't have to go up the full budget
@@tasto7775 interviews are often recorded, or at least the interviewer has to take notes-so if they were seen offering more than was asked by the candidate they would likely lose their own job. Not a risk most professionals would take :/
I think everyone gets confidence their own ways. Either by eating their favorite foods, wearing makeup or even listening to a song. It just sparks randomly.
The matching sets, the 8 dollar matchas, the 80 dollar yoga class, the 100+ dollars worth of shower/beauty supplies! ITS ALL TO GET YOU TO SPEND YOUR MONEY AND put into the pockets of the rich. But society twist this as a goal of perfection, control, and power when in reality they are being CONTROLLED by the man.
It’s also all about making you a perfect productive little worker bee!! Its just grind culture packaged as wellness for women. Working 8hrs + exercising + making “whole food” home cooked meals + study 🙄 they want us run off our feet trying to chase this new brand of perfection.
Unpopular opinion: Everyone is not beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with being “ugly”. Yes beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but conventional attractiveness is a real thing. People’s self worth shouldn’t be determined by if they feel beautiful or not. 😌 Body neutrality > forced body positivity
I agree. It's like "everyone is a winner." It's meant with good intentions, but ultimately means there is something so inherently wrong with not being a winner that that other option must not be mentioned not even acknowledged to exist. There is nothing inherently wrong with not being conventionally attractive, but there is a lot wrong with saying that being not conventionally attractive is itself so wrong that it must be ignored. I used to be 400 pounds, and back then, there was this push toward "every body is healthy" and "there's no such thing as being fat" and it was belittling, really, as it indicated that I couldn't handle the truth because the truth was simply too awful to acknowledge. I think the HAES and "no such thing as fat" movements meant to help, but ultimately sent the message that those things are too wrong to acknowledge, and caused more harm than good. Rather than saying that ugly people and fat people and all kinds of people don't exist, rather than saying "everyone is beautiful" and "everyone is a perfectly healthy size", we should be saying that people come in all shapes and sizes and appearances, and everyone is worthy of basic dignity and respect. Don't erase people and claim it's to make people feel better.
i like to think that beauty is more of a potential, most people have and that its occurrence is a bell shaped curve, with most people being a normal amount of pretty and very few people have significantly more or less of it. I also agree that its not a good or bad thing to be at any point of the curve..
Relating to the women in stem “lacking confidence” explanation topic: One thing I learned in my Psychology of Women class that stuck with me is how experimenters who find these results such as the disparity in math confidence at a young age etc etc, is that researchers will apply a “female deficit” framework to it. (The unknowingly or knowingly biased ones, that is.) Where it’s like women LACK confidence, therefore women inherently are less confident and that’s the explanation for the poor math performance. It’s the tendency to find results that show more issues for women, and apply a “how is it their fault?” logic to it. Instead of looking at all angles and saying “is it because teachers are biased? Is it because society doesn’t show women in these jobs? Are boys more rewarded for raising their hands? Etc etc” Very interesting to me & I think it applies! There’s an actual name for it that I can’t recall right now.
I agree with that in that it’s obviously not an inherent lack of confidence but a socialized one. I also think, and this has nothing to do with your comment, there’s a little circular reasoning going on in the comments. I’m seeing some women saying that “oh those women in STEM programs or confidence seminars or whatever are so annoying, I just want to be treated equally.” Systemic change starts with individuals and will require some bravery or confidence to do. It doesn’t just get solved just by the mere fact that injustice exists. I LOVE and agree with the ideas I’ve seen that confidence can look like self-compassion instead of assertion and that it’s a feeling, not a personality trait. Beyond that, I see women correctly recognizing that we’ve been deeply socialized to think this way, yet when resources (as imperfect as they may be) are provided on how we can and should undo some of that conditioning, we say we’re getting blamed for it and it’s not our fault anyway and the equality should already be there. And then point back to the problem of systemic gender inequality and socialization. Circular reasoning. This isn’t to defend shallow and pointless girl bossing as an actual solution obviously, but I think the responsibility to de condition ourselves lies mainly with us. And yes that will require confidence to have your own back and advocate for your self. Which can look like self -compassion instead of assertiveness, can be messy, non-linear, and hard, and is so important.
Math, chemistry and Physics were such a struggle for me during high school, i thought i was just not made for it, my grandpa and dad are briliant at math, my family agreed i just "didnt inherit it". Turns out, starting from freshmen year, my mental health was deteriorating fast while dealing with endometriosis. I had to get extra classes with the same professors i had in school, 2 of them harrased girls in the classroom and they would do the same in their homes and offices (were the extra classes took place) only one of them, my last year profesor was a decent man who we felt safe around, he taught me math and opened a world for me. In college i could really expand on it and realised i loved and could understand math, chemistry and that i specially loved to study physics. It was to late for me to switch careers but i have the dream to get a textile engineering degree some day but most importantly for this dangerous bias that keeps women away from science to disapear
@@leilanidru7506 You don't actually understand what the people complaining about women in tech events are saying. No one argued against learning self-advocacy. People are saying "what is the point in learning self advocacy only to return to an environment that will punish you for self-advocating"? Women in male dominated workplaces are consistently disrespected and dismissed confident or not. And if you protest that maltreatment then you are a problematic employee/ risk losing your job. I mean just look at how hollywood treated monique. First it was "black women don't negotiate for high pay. It's their own fault that there is a gender-race pay gap". After monique's attempt at negotiation, "UHM how dare you think you deserve high pay?!!" You can't win until the way society regards women changes. In my opinion rather than teaching women how to be girlbosses, they should invest those resources in gender sensitivity training so everyone learns about how may they knowingly/ unknowingly contribute to sexism in the workplace.
@@GaliadelaRosa I also had one really good physics teacher in high school. In previous years, I’d been dismissed if I made mistakes. I automatically gave up when challenged because I inherently thought it was too hard for me/not meant for me. But that teacher never gave up on me, and he worked super hard to make sure to talk with the insecure students alone so that we’d be comfortable (like not calling on us in front of the whole class). He encouraged girls to join the engineering team. It makes a huge difference to be taught by someone who properly advocates for your confidence. This is the reason I’m an engineer!
I also hate how people use the term "confidence" to basically gaslight myself and other people with depression. "You just aren't confident enough. You need to put yourself out in the world and you'll feel better because you're around people." I'm also an introvert, so that statement is pretty much trash to me anyway lol. Also, no one's problems are going to magically disappear because you are "going outside and getting some fresh air." I think people who say this stuff either don't know how to deal with or don't want to deal with someone with depression or who has a different way of looking at the world.
I think there’s a difference between liking yourself and having confidence. I like myself, a lot, but it’s still hard for me to figure out how to interact in public without feeling awkward or insecure. I still like myself even if I am more subdued some days and loud as shit others. Confidence is a feeling not a label on your worth as a person
i lost 35 lbs and have a figure pretty close to my “ideal body” and my mental health hasn’t even changed much. in fact i have more anxiety of gaining the weight back. confidence is not linear and i feel it at different levels everyday. i’m 23 and the only true thing i felt to confidence is by surrounding myself with people who validate me and understand me, and it had nothing to do with how i look. it’s sad realizing my whole life i fixated on my appearance rather than who i wanted to be as a person.
its never too late girl!! Be glad that the now you're more aware of your own strong and weak points. Remember that this whole thing is a process. One never really reaches the final stage and that allows us to improve, understand and be more in touch with ourselves!! Gotta thank all the amazing people you've around you
Instead of focusing on the weight part and worrying about gaining it back, how about trying to focus more on having a strong body? Not strong as in lifting weights, but strong as in feeling strong and healthy. Taking focus away from weight helped me with confidence.
Yeah, i realised that even when I was fat and didnt know how to take care of myself appearance-wise, I still had friends that loved, accepted and cherished me for the way i am - simply because they like me for ME, not the way I look etc.... Those r the real mvps
Man…This really hit me as I’m in the process of job search. I always feel like hiring managers care so much more about personalities than talent, if you’re not a confident type A hustler brimming with positive energy from head to toe, you’re just not it. How do introverts get jobs and ace interviews??
Talking as an introvert here, I put on a performance like a professional actor (I took drama and acting classes in school so that helps get into character, plus the more interviews you do the more experienced you get at acing them). It depends on what kind of job you're applying for though, as they all look for different types of confidence. I will become self-employed within the next few years though, I've had enough pretending to be someone I'm not for money.
Hmm.. well, anybody would struggle to work with someone who isn't very friendly. It is natural to feel that. And it would be very difficult to work with someone who's confident. Could you imagine , a confident person in a workforce, and their boss telling them that they made a mistake. The confident person will reply "oh i wouldn't have made a mistake, because I'm so sure of it." It is difficult. But a friendly person in the same situation would smile and say "thanks for pointing it out, I'll make sure to fix that." They aren't acting friendly, and holding grudge in their mind. Because they understand that making that mistake was shameful. And they are just glad that the boss told them directly and privately.
Depends on where you’re looking but at least my experience in the Tech industry (specifically large companies), hell yes they care much more about personality. But it’s not about introvert/extrovert Type A or not. For them it’s they want people that will fit there team and will just straight up be a good coworker to be with 5 days a week. Assuming you have the basic prerequisites of the position, then you can learn whatever else you need on top of that. My other experience working food and service industry though… you’re right but that’s almost the worst of the worst.
as a slightly chubby and curvy girl in her twenties i LOVED that confidence scene from euphoria. extremely relatable. sometimes you just hate looking at yourself in the mirror because you feel like you're not good enough, your skin isn't clear enough and you aren't thin enough. then there are sone days when you feel like your best. it happens.
I get that myself... especially with the most recent trends for women's bodies. I can't wait for the "booty" stuff to die down a bit so i don't feel so self conscious about being flat and straight (but with a slighly chub belly and big up top). It's been harder to find clothes that suit me bc fashion has changed and i defo get that feeling not good enough. But sometimes I have a good super confident day where I feel amazing and f the beauty standards with bright makeup etc.
@Fiyinfunoluwa Ojerino yess 🙌 ofc! No one should be a trend. Ans pls can we all accept that natural big big boobs hang/sag? That "trend" has never come and sadly there is no effort to normalise it at all...I've been called saggy since they sprung out when I was 11 and im 25 now, much bigger. Gravity exists? Sigh...
this "confidence cult" dismisses people with anxiety and other mental health issues. you can feel both confidence and anxiety (or any other symptoms of a mental disorder) at the same time.
you're right. there are times when i can go out confidently, thinking i look like the best person in the room, but at the same time i'm trembling with anxiety on the inside.
100% yes. "Just be confident" reminds me of "just be happy" "or just smile" like that's not easy for everyone and it's bs to think that at every moment in time one can just flip a switch and change their mood. Also mood doesn't change any out comes. if your not gonna get, let's say, a job for any reason, confidence isn't gonna help!
I think the whole confidence stuff is just a more socially acceptable way to tell suffering people to shut up about their problems, basically a modern version of "let them eat cake!".
Your content is always top-notch and well-researched. There is a similar aesthetic in the teacher world on Instagram and TikTok. These teachers look like carbon copies of each other. They wear similar styles of clothes, and they have similar decorations in their classrooms. they are ALWAYS happy and hardly share the true difficulties teachers are facing. The pictures are always the same a young woman (usually white) standing in from of the whiteboard in their perfect classroom, smiling like a pageant queen while holding their iced coffee. Their classrooms look like trendy coffee shops and their outfits were always beautiful and their hair was always on point. It honestly made me feel terrible because I struggled so much last year even though I was trying my best and I never felt like a good teacher when I compared myself to these teachers on social media.
Confidence isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when it's combined with ignorance, arrogance, shamelessness, and narcissism, it can become downright dangerous.
like its my fucking fault im not confident, when society/life has SYSTEMICALLY challenged my confidence. Its so frustrating honestly, like why do i have to be extra something when i am already good enough for the job?? “talk louder” “be assertive” “ask for more” sis, i am just quiet and hate the spotlight, why do i have to change my personality to get what i deserve?
THIS EXACTLYYY i blame all my insecurties and i mean all of them within societal/beauty standards it also has challenged me to the poin where i think to myself in order for me to be 'pretty i have to do certain surgeries and facial to obtain that and i hat that because i know my mindset wont change because the system just keeps getting worse and will always profit off our insecurties etc. (hope this wording was good lol)
body neutrality >> over anything else. Ever since I started appreciating my body for simply being a body i’ve been at more peace …a lot of people especially on tiktok should try it..also when women feel insecure people always bring up that a man would want them- immediately putting their worth on whether a man would find them attractive or not..
It's so sad how much emphasis and importance we as a society have put on our physical appearance. People are obsessed more than ever about their appearance and new "insecuries" are developed constantly that we're apparently supposed to feel insecure about, looking at you Tiktok. The biggest wish for many young girls now is plastic surgery. There's so much more than just our appearance, more important things that we should value in life that actually matter in the end. We don't have to love our entire body, great if people are able to, but it's not realistic for most and neither is it healthy in the long run. Body neutrality should replace body positivity.
@@aspannas completely agree…my little sister who is 12 was watching another 12-13 year old youtuber who was talking about saving up for surgery….it’s incredibly sad her body hasn’t even developed yet and she feels like she needs surgery.. i quickly told my sister that she is too young to be thinking like that and to just live -your features will change as you grow & it really doesn’t matter how you look….it’s so sad what’s happening now.
@@22grrrl Reading that made me really sad, I'm very grateful I grew up without the social media of today at 24, seeing how easily teenagers and kids are being influenced by anything they see. It's truly not healthy for any of us to be constantly aware of others with the internet and compare every aspect of our lives to each other, especially the untouchable elite who people idolize. It's great that you told your sister that, I hope you continue that. I think we need to really make sure the kids and teenagers of today value actual important traits and skills in life, probably by starting complimenting other things than beauty at a young age.
I’ve always thought about confidence as kind of a “cure all” for having insecurities , but I’d never considered the systemic and societal barriers that make it impossible for a lot of people to be confident. Thanks for making this video (and all your videos lol)
I think confidence works the other way around, if you overcome your insecurities you'll have more confidence, but just having confidence wont get rid of insecurities. maybe its the natural result of self-acceptance and feeling secure in life. i don't think its impossible to be confident when you have systemic barriers in the way, its just very hard, and very wrong for others to insist that them achieving confidence is the proper response to these barriers (rather than us just getting rid of those barriers) finding self-acceptance and confidence where you can despite external barriers limiting your ability to do that is just something you do for your own wellbeing sorry if this doesn't make sense lol my sleeping meds are kicking in
I was about to fall in this rabbit hole of spending hundreds on "self care", because I've struggled with depression for quite a while and I want to change. Good thing I've come across this video.
There’s other types of self care, though! Going to bed at a reasonable hour, getting out of bed, taking your medication, eating three times a day, going outside, seeing other people, brushing your teeth, those are all self care! Just starting with one is fine, you don’t need to, and can’t, just plan out a full daily routine. I'm at a much better place than before and I still don’t do all those things like a checklist every day. All my life planning out routines never worked, medication, therapy, and starting with small steps, they helped. See what’s most wrong, and try to fix that one issue.
That whole thing about Lululemon telling their employees that getting offended is their choice reflects a broader issue in the new age spiritual community at large, the idea that we all create our own reality, and that if anything is amiss, it's because we manifested it in one way or another. Really just a lot of gaslighting.
i mean, you can virtually gaslight yourself into be all positive, but you become a person with stunt feelings unable to cope with your own rage, unable to differentiate between normal behavior and abuse, and becoming a doormat to other people
I grew up Mormon and your comment is spot on. Mormonism uses a lot of new age practices. How else could they convince people that heir religion is true? It’s true because you believe it!
I was told, "but you're so confident and carefree!" after discussing how I didn't like the shape of my nose and stomach... I'm obese and tend to just wear whatever is comfy and I just vibe. Doesn't mean I'm not insecure. I just tend to be insecure about things other people aren't and NOT insecure about things people think I should be insecure about. I like my thighs and butt, I don't like how my stomach looks. I like my round face and tilted smile, I don't like my nose makes wearing glasses and masks difficult. I don't CARE that my hair isn't frizz free. I don't CARE that my style is 2003 14 year old boy who wants to be a skater but lacks the coordination. I like it. I do care that my skin color and hair texture are seen as something I have to be confident about. It's my meat suit. I didn't have a CHOICE in the color or defects. I have a choice in how I present myself, and I have a choice in what media I consume to feel more "normal" as someone who looks like me. Lizzo isn't confident because she's fat and choose to exist and show off her body. She confident when she stands up for herself and people who look like her. Her very existence isn't confidence. She's not brave for being fat. She just is. Confidence should be something you feel, not something you are. Being afraid or insecure sometimes is fine. Being confident sometimes is fine too.
Thank you for the beautiful comment. I relate a lot as an obese asian which is kinda a big deal since asians are known for being super skinny and having high standards. So I was made fun of a lot especially within my family since I'm a first gen here. Even after being married for 5 years and gaining a lot more weight (although was fat ever since 5 years old), I still struggle with loving my body or dressing how I want in public in fear of embarrassment or judgement. Lately, I've been getting into makeup and it hurts to say it just feels like a distraction from the constant need to lose weight. Sorry for the mind dump, but I appreciate your comment and I'm trying little by little to do things that would make me appreciate my body more because it isn't going to change instantly so why keep hating myself forever until I do lose weight lol.
My least favorite thing about society right now is telling us that it’s wrong to feel insecure. Insecurities are normal, everyone has them. Why do I have to try to “fix” my body or my brain to get rid of an insecurity? Why can’t I just live with it and be confident in other ways? It’s so stupid that we’re constantly being told we’re “unwell” and need to be fixed for just having mental struggles. It’s normal.
You make me understand things I didn't realise I didn't understand. And you make us see things we didn't see but that were silently eating us from the inside.
When you said "confidence deficit is a systemic issue" - The way you connected the commercialization of white feminism to company's woke-washing - I've always felt there was a underlying connection but you just made it so clear 💯
I did psychology at university, and I would say that the percentage of females in each year’s cohort is probably 80%+, if anything more 90%. So it was very strange that 90% of my lecturers were male. It made me think where are all of these girls going after graduating, and I think it’s just another way males dominate professional environments, even in one that typically has a majority of females at entry levels
I’ve also noticed that even in female dominated fields or things that are traditionally more female, men always have the highest position ex: cooking, women traditionally cook but unpaid, domestically while men get the Michelin stars also I see more women as school teachers while men are the principals, deans, or uni professors
Well there are reasons that vary depending on the field. How old were your teachers compared to you? 50 years ago, you'd have been hard pressed to find a woman on the benches of the amphitheater. In about twenty years? I'd wager you will see A LOT of women leading the field. Maybe even too much at one point, if we are to apply the standards of today in a fair way? In pro cooking (becoming a restauranteur): there is quite a lot of differences between household cookery and pro cookery. In one setting you're your own boss and deliver a small quantity, in the other you're facing an old order that was led by soldier-like people (there's a reason a team in michelin-starred restaurants is called a brigade). That air of discipline and authority was for a long time hostile to women while enticing to men. Regarding schools, I dunno, maybe where you live. Where I live, things are pretty on par. Nowadays, there is a slow shift towards more equality. Now an other angle I have noticed leading men to be more present in higher-up positions is social expectations regarding men. Higher positions tend to open up with experience. The very high ones are an end of career thing. Where I live, women tend to retire when they can (as they should, they've given their life to work, they deserve pension), while men are pressured to go on lest they become loosers, but also are never shown or taught the advantages of cooling it from time to time. Thus they forgo pension and hang on in. It's estimated about 50% of men that should be retired are still working in my country, leading to a boatload of issues: aging leadership disconnected from modern challenges, poor health for elderly men, career stagnation for younger people (both men and women). But those that do retire also have a soaring rate of mental health issues rooted in self-worth issues (they're of no use anymore to society, or so they think). That's been true for the last 30 years, and in the last 10 has started to apply to women in some degree as well. (full pension in my country is at age 62, so we can see those trends a bit earlier than in other countries).
I'm studying design and almost everyone in my degree is female and noticed the same, my professors even said that there's a lot of gender discrimination in our field regarding job opportunities lol (like historically and it's still strong nowadays, not so much thankfully but still pretty relevant)
There's a similar concept in the healthcare system where if a healthcare worker experiences burnout, it's because they didn't have enough "resilience". This puts the onus on the individual instead of the system. Doctors have the highest suicide rate of ANY profession. Individual healing cannot exist without systemic change.
confidence like it's talked about here honestly just seems like institutionalised gaslighting. It just completely silences any semblance of lived experience and helpful discussion around various barriers and chalks everything up to "well you just need to be more confident"
I'd say it's even bordering on victim blaming "Oh you're experiencing workplace harrassment from men who think women are just inherently inferior.... have you considered maybe YOU'RE the problem?? Just be more confident girlie and they'll learn to respect you!"
Thank you for this video, I spend so much time absorbed into social media and taking in all these trends and new ways to take care of yourself I always feel like I'm one step behind everything. I was working full time and a full time student for two degrees and I was mad at myself for not getting up at 6am to do yoga. I recently slowed down my life a lot, especially since graduating school. Now I practically spent a month in bed from burn out and I still struggle with guilt on that. I'm fighting that guilt, I'm fighting how I been brainwashed. I'm choosing to allow myself to heal, I wasn't physically injured I was mentally injured and if I need a month to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling I'm going to do it.
I always wonder why we keep playing this game where we act like men, or how we’re told they act, to get ahead in the workplace. I’m not a man, and I’m tired. I deserve respect just for being a person living in this world, we all do. We shouldn’t have to negotiate to be paid fairly. I’m tired of having to convince someone I deserve the means to live. We shouldn’t have to put up with toxic office culture just to feed and house ourselves. When every single one of us needs food, shelter, and water or we die, why are we forced to work most of our lives away to earn it? Food grows on its own, unless we’re trying to grow species in non-native environments or out of season. As a species, can’t we decide to stop wasting our brief lives trying to convince each other we deserve to survive? All of us do.
Sorry, did you actually just say "food grows on its own" as long as it's native to the local area? I honestly don't think I've ever heard anything more ignorant and uninformed. Do you actually think that the amount of food the world needs will just grow on its own in the world as we know it today? I know I sound pretty harsh in this comment, but I can't even comprehend how to approach this comment with a nice tone. Have you ever talked to a farmer? Have you ever left whatever city you live in and actually paid attention to the rural areas who handle your food supply? Have you ever even tried to grow a single food producing plant? If you have tried, like maybe you've grown a little tomato plant, think about how much food (or how little food) it provided. I get it, you're tired. The modern world we live in expects strange things from us. I don't want to be a dick because I get it. But somehow you have people liking a comment that says our food just grows on its own, why do we have to work so hard to get it. Which is honestly dangerously ignorant.
Yes and not to mention I'm pretty sure there is research indicating that women who act within feminine stereotypes get promotions more often or something like that, but don't completely quote me on that because I don't remember where I saw it. At least in my personal life though I have found that to be true, and it's not always bad. I think that gentleness and patience are good for everyone to practice, man or woman. But it is really frustrating when you feel like you have to be feminine and submissive all the time to survive, even when you don't want to be or when it's not fitting to the situation you're in. But you get punished for acting "out of line" regardless.
@@m.e.881 I don’t think she is ignoring the hard work that goes into farming, she is just making the point that everyone has the right to eat. And that capitalism makes it more difficult to access food. There is no doubt in my mind that agriculture is a grueling business, and grossly under appreciated in the modern world. I come from a long line of farmers and fishermen on my father’s side. At the same time, you can’t deny the food farmers produce existed on earth before they cultivated it. It did “grow on its own” although in smaller quantities. No need to take offence :)
In my experience i find that most people the project “confident” are people who oscillate back and forth from extreme self love to extreme self loathing
I agree. I think this is because they are not confident- but selfish. Selfish people obsess over themselves, whether they hate or love themselves. I’d assume it fluctuates a lot.
@@moniica541 by your comment I guess I can confirm to myself something that I was thinking lately, I’m selfish and self-absorbed I just don’t know what to do with this information if I’m being honest, I just go through intense phases of I love myself to I hate myself( the hate phase is way longer and intense), being ugly/beauty standards is something that I think and talk to much, I try not to comment to my friends anymore cause I feel that my insecurities come from my ego not being well with the knowing that I’m not as pretty as x and I’m not the prettiest, it really comes down to a competitive edge, and how much I think about it, makes me feel like I’m bitch who only cares about herself
@@el972 honestly relate hard, i think we have to tell ourselves we aren't these thoughts, they are external messages that have been absorbed by our brains, just because we think something doesn't mean we are it or believe it, it's just easy for our brains to regurgitate these toxic competition our capitalist society throws at us specially towards women/ Afab ppl.
I totally agree with the comments stating that this whole "that girl" movement has more to do with money and consumerism than with actually loving ALL parts of yourself. Its like society is trying to teach us more and more that resisting our depressed, broken and not so "aesthetic" parts is everything we need to be happy and I'm kinda sick of it. Tbh the whole idea of "aesthetic" and "productivity" ruined me and my mental state so much a few years ago, cause I unfortunately (but clearly) compared me and my whole life to these "ideal sprinkle unicorn happy lives". I saw it as something I had to fix myself and that something may be wrong with me, but considering now that I grew up in a not so fortunate environment - this child would have needed (self)love, acceptance (...), not a "cute room" and the next overpriced shake and thats something I'd wish the world would bring closer to us (instead of CaPiTaLiSm).
1) I hate 'THAT GIRL'! The fact that we think having white interior design and wearing matching gym outfits is 'having your life together' is bullshit. I don't dress fancy, do yoga, eat salmon every day or buy expensive stuff but I have my life together. These instagram influencers piss me off. 2) I also hate the instagram therpaists as you said. Nowadays everything seems to be a 'trauma response' (I sound like a boomer lol but Im gen Z). They say stuff like 'being independent is a trauma response, being a libra is a trauma response, drinking water too much is a trauma response' like tf are you talking about??!
I consider myself to be a very confident person, but that came with accepting my autism and realizing that my criteria for my well-being is whatever I need it to be. It definitely didn't come with following someone else's guide to feeling good in my own brain, quite the opposite in fact. I also wonder if the push for all of us to be super confident, independent, self-supporting individuals is intentionally preventing us from forming more interdependent communities that would give us more protection from structural oppression. Communities of people make up for each other's weaknesses, but individuals always have to grapple with critical 'flaws' that wouldn't be a problem in a healthy support network.
Oooo say it again! I had to accept limitations executive dysfunction puts on me and that done is better than some arbitrary perfect standard in my head.
My confidence as a neuroatypical person comes mostly from my parents agreeing with me that the people bullying me should try to be more like me. My self doubt comes from them saying stuff like not brushing my hair might get cps called on them.
I agree with this completely. I shouldn't feel ashamed for asking for help and accomodations that were rightfully given to me along with my diagnosis. This whole culture of "do things yourself or you're incapable of doing anything" is very much harmful
Your take on how the confidence cult is classist is SO true. As someone who has lived their entire life (so far) at or below the poverty line, almost nothing of what people preach online is really achievable. Everything costs money or time,... two things that poor people do NOT have in spades. The Club of Confidence is pay to enter... and almost half of the (USA, at least) population can't afford to get in. (Going off low income statistics). But, I will say that the current buzz about mental health awareness is nice... although people still only talk about the palatable mental health issues and ways to feel momentarily better... Bipolar, Schizophrenia, BPD are still wildly stigmatized, but I digress. You made many excellent points and I am so happy you have a large platform to speak on.
I also grew up poor and had much the same experience, don't know how many times I've had to explain to people that "just get a gym membership" is not feasible for me from neither a money aspect nor time aspect, and that expensive facemasks or spa treatments will in fact only give me MORE anxiety because now I have to feel guilty about wasting money and worry about how to survive. Also very good point at the end, people are talking a lot about anxiety and depression but still use "ugh she's so bipolar" as a slur.
Also it’s some dumb shit that self care is always phrased through consumerism, IMO things like doing laundry and cleaning are significantly more important to self-care than beauty products or fancy drinks but since those everyday tasks aren’t marketable they’re ignored in the overall conversation
I dont know what about it, but there is something "intellectual" in how you talk about this confidence topic and not just random talking and rambling. I am instantly subscribed to your channel!
“Just be happy” is the same sentiment. “Just be rich, successful, beautiful, etc” are all platitudes that are completely devoid and empty of any genuine and honest reality. It’s something someone says to you when they have nothing better to say. I rather have someone commiserate with me than give me “advice” that they took off of a hallmark card.
A few years ago a very unattractive man was talking very loudly to his friends as I walked into a gas station to pay for gas. He literally pointed to me (only a few feet away) and said "Like her! She's at best an 8 and walks around like she's a 10!" Wtf is walking around like a 10?! Because I walk with happiness and confidence?! So your point hit home and is so true!.
Any guy who is like that is a one and will be a one forever because no one will ever WANT to be with him. Be glad he dissed you. You don't need anyone like him anywhere near you.
Just started the video and just wanted to say that the "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" thing is something that I've heard any time I mention my personal insecurities and it genuinely pissed me off. Through my relationship with my life partner I started to care about myself. Before him I would seek out attention from anyone I knew would give it to me, I wasn't really coping with my PTSD or even acknowledging it, I wouldn't take care of myself at all, and my mental health was completely all over the place. I started to accept my physical body and working to manage my mental health and personality flaws because of my relationship. Because he helped me be more of the person I wanted to be and he's changed a lot for my sake as well. It's important to be an independent person outside of a relationship (romantic or platonic) but sometimes it doesn't hurt to have someone else love you and help you learn to love yourself.
Exactly! Thanks for sharing! It's different for everybody.. it's great to be independent and whatever but sometimes you need that person who helps you and boosts your self care
You don't just get confident one day and are 'that girl'. I see confidence as a everyday process. Some days I feel better about myself and more confident than others. Everyone can be confident, but we all have our days where we feel less good about ourselves and so we feel less confident. It's something to work on every single day and it's not a personality trait.
Yes, I agree. Gaining confidence and self love is a process.. And sometimes we have to accept the shit days. You can't do much to change it. You can't always feel confident, putting it as a personality trait is like saying " Only a few people with this trait are actually confident..And you can't. Insecure is your personality trait. " It genuinely pisses me off
I honestly think one of the best things for my “confidence” was thinking I was ugly when I was younger and instead of trying to force myself to feel confident I just thought it was neat that people liked me anyway and that I didn’t have to dress to look pretty but could just wear whatever made me happy 🤷🏼♀️
So your confidence came from still being treated well by some people. The main issue with not fitting the beauty standard is being treated bad by others.
I do wanna add that I feel that an issue with self-care is not always about how much money you can spend but how much TIME you can spend. You can get some great things at a local drug store or make at home but if you're working multiple jobs/busy with school/not able-bodied/going through mental health struggles/have family to care about before yourself it can be very, very hard to have the self-care idea of a face mask and bath bomb. Sometimes it's just a quick fast food and shower to get through the day (and thats okay!) Thanks so so so much for this video ♡ I deff struggle with the internationalization of "You're not self loving yourself enough" and it's a hard thing to shake.
Seeing your comment made me happy if I may say so. Confidence isn’t a bad thing. I’ve spent so many years terrorizing myself, my health and my confidence. I am proud to feel a reassurance within myself because I’ve worked my butt off for being where I am right now. Confidence comes in many forms but not inherently bad.
I was always described as "shy" or like "self conscious" or "low self esteem" child and teenager, and was blamed for having low self esteem, as if that was a personal failing of mine. I have figured all this stuff out ages ago, so it's very frustrating to JUST NOW see people starting to talk about it like adults. Why are people sooooo infuriatingly slow and fucking stupid! 🤬
people pretend to have their shit together all the times, parents to kids, boss to employees, teachers to students, among peers. They just fucked up and try so bad to be exemplar when they aren't.
Not once after being called shy have I actually felt invited to contribute more. I'm usually busy listening to conversations. Whenever I do try to talk I'm usually cut off by someone else who is trying to get a word in during the gaps. If I talk over people I'm rude, if I cut people off I'm inconsiderate, if I talk abot me I'm concieted and if I ask people about themselves I'm nosy. So why talk when I don't need to?
I’ve come to realize over the years that my confidence and mental health is directly correlated to the respect I receive in my school and workplace. Low level sexual harassment, patronization, and competition are rampant at my school, and I’ve noticed that while the males in my art classes are quick to compliment and idolize each other, they never offer the same treatment to their female peers, taking it as an insult when the female students do better. I never realized how much my anxiety and perfectionism were related to sexism until this year, and with the amount of guys I’ve come across who are like this (even the nice ones low key) it makes me dread working with cis males.
That and they're usually of high socio-economic status, are able bodied, etc. Essentially, the "confidence" rhetoric is mostly spread by those who are privileged in society, like you can obviously choose to take time to boost your confidence when you're in a position in which you don't have to worry about bills, discrimination, etc. Everyone else, however
I mentioned feeling uncomfortable in gyms to a conventionally gorgeous blonde girl who replied with "Just don't give an eff about what people think!" I (an average at best person) was only referring to the depressing atmosphere rather than anything about what people thought of me.
There was a guy at my uni that plagiarised my work. I told my tutor that this had happened and, in response, he told me that it was my fault because "I wasn't confident enough to stand up to him"
Wow... I literally wrote a 9 page paper on "toxic positivity" and its portrayal on social media that was also heavily inspired by this EXACT scene from Euphoria. I was struggling so hard to find video discussions and in-depth articles about this topic for the whole semester, and just as it ends, I finally found this informative video. You hit the nail on the head with every point. I'm glad this is being talked about more because many vulnerable people fall victim to the same mental health mantras that, after a while, feel meaningless. For anyone looking to read more on this topic, I highly recommend reading psychotherapist Whitney Goodman's book titled "Toxic Positivity: Keeping it Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy".
i saw a tumblr post regarding body positivity saying : "body positivity has largely failed because people started arguing for attractiveness and romantic prospects instead of respect and dignity." followed with a reply : "nobody NEEDs to find anybody attractive, but everybody NEEDS to find all physical flaws insignificant when judging a person's worth."
I agree. But I think the root problem is that a woman's respect and dignity is directly linked to her attractiveness and romantic prospects. You can't be too attractive or too sexy, then you're treated as if that's all you are, but if you aren't at all conventionally attractive then you're invisible and useless. it's a maddening balancing act, you need to be beautiful but in a tasteful way. So if women have learned their whole lives that being seen as beautiful is how they will gain respect, and being fat is what's holding you back from that status, it makes sense that body positivity would quickly become about changing the idea that fat women aren't beautiful.
both of these comments oh my god exactly!!
@@emmalee1374 !!!!!!!
Yeah. No one has been ready to embrace their ugly. To not just accept having unattractive traits, but embrace and understand how much your looks don't matter in terms of how you feel, how much love you get, and how you live. Beautiful is a word with various meanings, and truly, everyone is beautiful. But some people will never be widely considered sexually attractive, and that doesn't mean they can't have amazing lives, feelings, and yeah, a great partner.
Wow. Wish I could save this forever. That is the problem exactly.
As a therapist I've been taught that self compassion does a lot more for the self than self esteem or confidence
Love this
ooh that hits deep
This thooo
Fr
That’s what I’ve been told too and it hit me just how much stress I had just because I was like “I should be happier, I should get better, I should be trying harder to fix my self esteem” I somehow never realized that that was also really harmful
also can we talk about how the “that girl” aesthetic of nice clean hair and neutral wardrobe and constantly being productive aligns almost perfectly with corporate culture
Oh snap!
Also “main character” aesthetic shit too. Like… it’s annoying.
and also very individualistic, which is necessary to the capitalism
This! Just said this in another thread!
Omg you're right.. 😬
I feel like in the US confidence gets treated as a lifestyle and not a feeling or moment, and exactly that’s wrong. You’ll never be constantly confident that’s just how it is so we need to stop acting like we should be
another person who thinks like me.thank goodness I'm not alone with my thoughts.thank you for sharing your opinion!🙏
omg you're so right my mom told me the same thing, like if you never doubt on yourself you are dumb bc you will never change and will making the same mistakes again and again...
@princeparkook mytheory right now is that the hyper-consumerism here turns everything into a lifestyle that can be sold. If confidence is just a feeling in a moment, how could they market products for it? Its weird and sad for sure
I hate how everything is turned into a lifestyle these days. Things like confidence and happiness are emotions, not lifestyles.
That's eye opening. I feel dumb admitting this but I never ever realized that treating confidence as a lifestyle rather than a feeling is not how it's supposed to be
I've always thought it was kind of strange how, especially in America, confidence is seen as a personality trait - you either have it or you don't - and if you don't have it then you should strive to. It's seen as a constant state, something fundamental to your personality. But I've always thought that confidence is a *feeling*. Some days you feel it, some days you don't and you can do things to raise or boost it, but ultimately it's as fickle as the rest of our feelings, and that's okay.
the whole ‘have it or you dont’ thing is so true! i feel like it comes with the obsession with personifying confidence, which is being ‘that girl’. it seems like ‘confident’ has become synonymous with being conventionally attractive appearance wise, moving it from a feeling to the act of playing into what is expected of you. its always been used as an aspirational marketing technique but im not sure if that specific word has always been treated as a lifestyle in which you need to laboriously work to attain the title of ‘confident’ to become idolised by other women. maybe it has, but this feels different from the 90/00s brand
Literally couldn’t say it better myself
Okay
This exactly. Confidence comes from circumstances, and changes moment to moment. But people act like you can just grow it like it's a limb, have it forever, and never question its presence (even when it shouldn't be there).
That's so true. In the end it's a feeling, not a lifestyle.
i feel like “faking your confidence” only works for conventionally attractive people. people always try to find ways to “humble” people they dont believe fit the beauty standards and you can see this a lot on tiktok when peoples videos go viral and the comments are just full of people being mean to them bc of their appearance. its incredibly hard to just “fake your confidence” when there’s people who dont believe you should even be viewed as a HUMAN BEING because of the way you look.
This is a fantastic point 💯
LITERALLY
I agree!! I remember I saw a tik tok once comparing how we look at less conventionally attractive ppl for example band kids who are known to be extroverted as annoying and weird while popular kids just as confident and loud but more conventionally attractive are seen as funny and sociable.
say it louder!
@@bootyceps8077 oof that is so true
basically self care and confidence discourse is becoming like every other discourse stolen by the market, about buying products (material or not). everything can and will become a product in this system, just wait enough
Ruined by consumerism 🤮
It's truly the new self help
So true
confidence is already a product, look at the number of paid confidence building coaches on social media and in real life.
I think so, too.
There’s so much shame around having low confidence. It’s all “be confident” but when you’re not it’s all, “who’s going to love you when you’re not confident? Why would you be fun to be around like this?” Like, that lowers your confidence even more
Omg so true! Finally someone said it
Yep, thanks for putting my thoughts into words
And that also aligns with the idea that if you don't love yourself, who will ?
This 'confidence' culture also inherently demonizes introverts like myself. Can we stop idolising extroverts as the only kind of people who can be successful?
@@yannagiraud9610 I don't find the phrase to be toxic, IF you don't take it literally. Sometimes, taking care of others helps you take care of yourself as an effect of your actions. I see it as a parallel to lesrning to love others, but most interpret it as "you're unworthy of love if you aren't in love with yourself" which is untrue.
I've been that girl in the workplace who was super confident. It fixes nothing. I got called manipulative, conceited, and treated like crap by male superiors when I know for a fact that if a man acted the way I did, he would be respected. I nearly got fired by a male boss for asking for feedback on a project. My very competant female colleague got fired for asking for a raise. So this "you need confidence ladies!!" crap is so untrue, because when you're a young woman confidence is perceived as "attitude".
Definitely agree with this! I was a super shy kid, I had no friends, was very easily intimidated in crowds and such. I was always told that I need to speak up, take up space because it won't be given to me blah blah. As an adult I realised that if I'm the only woman in a group of 10 guys, they'll still go "girls take up so much space!", and being outspoken and knowing my rights leads to harrassment and managers who hate you, all while knowing full well that if I'd been a man I would've been considered a brave entrepreneur. Blah.
Misogynists things, that sucks a lot ! 🤬
agree!! and it's not just in workplace but anywhere. people think confidence in woman is equivalent for attitude and that sucks
@@emotionaldamage9894 Wtf women are giving out their right and honor gosh my blood boils at these misogynists
True. People with certain social privileges tend to forget that those who are disadvantaged or even oppressed by the same social systems that give them their privileges cannot afford to display the same characteristics or behave the same ways lest they be seen as "uppity" or as you said "having attitude."
Also, 99% of the 'self care' industry, especially when aimed at women, is to do with aesthetics. It's all about that facemask and skincare routine, and buying yourself those expensive pyjamas, and that green juice.
Which makes it oppressively performative💀
Maybe you should all stop policing people and shut the fuck up
what is your definition of self care?
th-cam.com/video/r_G0xPVSUEI/w-d-xo.html
@@u-lilhissy We’re not policing people, we’re being critical of something, there’s a difference. People aren’t going to like everything people do, if they were truly so confident, they would be unbothered.
As a girl from a third world country seeing the way confidence is portrayed on social media always made me feel sad because most of us here don't have the money for 'self care' and i've always thought that when i get money ill automatically 'be confident' coz ill afford face masks and gym appointments and all those cool stuff. Its so ironic seeing that people in those first world countries also cant achieve the it girl persona I thought everyone in first world countries could easily have.
You can, if you skip having children and workaholism 😅
I feel this. I had relatives in America and to me everything they had was just nicer and better. Then i moved here and nothing changed. I'd buy my clothes where they did, but they never looked like i thought they were supposed to look. I did my makeup like they did, but it never look right. That only led me to believe that i just couldn't be pretty and have nice things no matter what I did, so i stopped trying. It was then that they told me how cool it was that i could be so comfortable in my own skin and how they wish they could do that too. It's a funny world we live in.
meeee!!!! it's so frustrating seeing the that girl/glowup/self-confidence thing be centered around material things! we can barely afford food how tf am i gonna afford skin care??
We’re all being sold a capitalist lie
isnt capitalism great ? 🤩
i feel like social media is poisoning me every day and your videos are an antidote erasing all the mess it creates in my head
I agree, also it's a community with likeminded thoughts that not everything in social media is to be glorified
Okay one other thing which wasn't really touched on here but ties in is that "confidence" became a talking point for girls as a proposed solution to sexism. Like, not enough girls in STEM? Must be the confidence gap! Instead of remedying societal issues which exclude women and girls from opportunities for success, or addressing that our culture relies on underpaid labor generally, or acknowledging that any field women go into ceases to be prestigious and well-paying anyways, this "confidence" approach made system sexism an issue of individual responsibility for girls to fix. It was generally part of the "lean in" approach to "post-feminist" 90's girl power doctrinal bs.
Periodd!!
female in stem here who has been an academic mentor, anecdotally it does seem to be confidence.
Yesss! Very much girlboss, gaslight, pull yourself by your bootstraps
I think saying men have confidence and women don't is just such a cop out because there's systemic issues at hand and it just is nearly a lie? There's plenty of women with confidence? Confidence isn't simply asking for a raise, being aggressive, or being the loudest person in the room. Confidence can come in so many different forms and pitting what women do versus what men do is just extremely shallow and does not show anyone's true life experiences
@@SamanthaBartonYAY totally - and i've seen studies that say when women do act more "confidently" by asking for raises and negotiating salary, they're perceived negatively much more than men are for the same behaviors. so it's honestly such a lose-lose when the issues of sexism and gender pay gaps in the workplace are framed as women not being confident enough, when confidence doesn't magically make that sexism disappear.
It reminds me of a quote from contrapoints "when u turn loving your body into a moral imperative you will still hate your body but now u also feel guilty about it"
especially in liberal feminists #girlboss aesthetic spaces
We love them Contrapoints' quotes
the idea of "that girl" is actually terrifying to me - it's not normal to be confident and perfect all the time and that's fine. Every feeling is fleeting and it comes and goes - just like confidence
being "that girl" doesn't imply 100% confidence and perfection at every given moment. the real meaning sought after in this subculture is self-actualization.
same i see videos about how to become that girl, waking up at 5 am working out every thing is listed noted down like tf why would anyone limit or plan their day i can't process the fact ppl want to be like robots its good to be organised but also know the difference between being organised or self limiting
@@HeavenKeller Except you can’t sell self-actualization so the reality becomes selling perfection
@@riceball2824 organization isnt being a robot tf? How is listing your daily tasks self limitation? What r u talking about
What's interesting and a bit scary is that influencers and whatnot have essentially replaced commercials...these people can sell their _followers_ stuff and they'll buy into it.
Only me that feel like confidence is reserved for ”aestethically pleasing” people? Like, only so called pretty people are cheered on for being confident. If you’re seen as ugly in any way and act confident you get called stuck up, arrogant etc
I think the opposite is true
When someone is pretty no one gives a f if you are confident. You already "have it all"
When someone is below average looking, people are more likely to cheer them on because they feel bad for them.
@@stephlee4355 I think both are true. People like knocking down other people for their own selfish pleasure
Because toxic people try to shut down other peoples confidence to “win the game in a sense.” As soon as you become confident or act confident other “confident” or not confident people who are incapable of change will shut you down to make you stop being confident. Honestly it had only a small percentage to do with looks.
@@stephlee4355 eh maybe, I think people will cheer those on out of pity would be for people who are disabled, or have something that, in the eye of the masses, puts them at an inherent disadvantage. But if they're just.. not attractive without anything necessarily wrong with them, people are more hesitant to applaud confidence out of the idea of "what did you do to deserve to act like this?"
"you can only be confident if you 'deserve it'"
Society has us brainwashed into thinking our appearance is directly connected to our confidence. Many people spent thousands of dollars on clothes, surgery, teeth whitening, et cetera. I'm not saying that is wrong, but the marketing of these things both lowers the bar to actually do it and heightens the standard of how 'perfect' and put together people look. Like excuse me, may I just look ugly but still be accepted and left in my worth as a human being ?
yes, for god's sake, just let us be ugly in peace.
Yup. I’m surprised that in this video she didn’t talk about how the beauty industry shifted its marketing message around the early 2000s from “wear makeup to impress the boys,” to “wear makeup to feel confident and beautiful.” They are literally brainwashing you into buying their product by convincing you that you can’t feel confident without wearing makeup. People don’t talk about this enough.
Preach! How many have spent all that money and still not been confident??
PREACH THIS !!!! They always set standards for us even when they are trying to abolish standards like huh? Let us live
The sad truth is that our society is so warped that in vast parts of it you only have value as a person (and especially as a woman), based on how you look. A lot of like to say that we it's okay to care so much about our appearance (skin/hair/makeup/fashion) because we're actively choosing it and enjoy it. But the underlying reason for that enjoyment comes from the positive reinforcement that society gives us when we are thinner/prettier/fashionable.
All in all its a lot easier to be “confident” when you are financially stable or can afford the opulence of self care, vacations, skin care, a healthy place to live, a nice car, a nice bike, a workout trainer, good food. Its a lot easier to be confidant when you aren’t stressed about the bills or survival and all you have left is complete self indulgence oops I meant confidence.
exactly + the very experience of living in precarity is itself dehumanizing and the individual is blamed in our society!
omg I completely agree with this comment!
I want to get this comment tattooed
this this this
You hit the nail
Confidence is a passing emotion, like happiness or sadness. It comes and goes, not a constant state of being.
People always tell me I’m confident and I’m always shocked by this.
God I wish more self care content was focused on stuff like spending more time around people you connect with, taking a shower, brushing your teeth, eating meals, getting a reasonable amount of sleep. As someone with depression, this stuff is what actually makes me feel better, not buying new clothes or makeup or whatever.
Or about "How to do shit when you don't want to do shit without feeling like you're constantly forcing yourself to do shit because nobody else would do your shit" advice.
Or "How to not feel like everyone's watching you like you're a criminal while you're doing a completely normal stuff like shopping or paying bills" advice.
I’ve found a few neurodiverse self care spaces that are all about those kinds of things.
It’s honestly been helping my mental health so much, I now have disposable tooth floss picks next to my bed so I can still do something to look after my teeth when I can’t get out of bed.
I’ve found little changes like that have done more for my mental and physical health and actual self care than the ones promoted in most spaces.
Haven’t mastered the sleep one but audio books help me relax, rest and sometimes sleep.
I have taught myself to include self care in my daily routine which includes basic hygiene and staying healthy by eating all three meals, then taking enough rest both mentally and physically and it actually helped me manage my mental health. The "self care" and "productivity" advise on social media doesn't do anything aside from looking pretty and hard working to others rather than actually feeling pretty and productive.
or going to a spa to get a massage
@@oo8962 I get what you mean, but most* people on social media aren't therapists or qualified on that level to truly be giving that kind of advice. You should seek help yourself and do what's best for you.
Damn, this video slaps. The gender confidence gap goes so far back (as young as age 7 according to some studies) that all this feels like such band-aid solutions. IN FACT I have a personal tale about this. A *male* religious studies teacher at my school lectured the class (we were 16-17) saying "girls, you need to speak up! This is why you don't get as far as boys!" Framing confidence as a mere choice is *not good* to say the least.
Yes! Like we know we get punished for it. There’s no point in us speaking up in so many situations because they won’t listen!
Ugh I LOVE you.
Omg I love your videos!!
ratio
Right? And it's never "hey boys, shut up and let her talk" either. Now we can all treat each other poorly. Great. Like, I was reading some study the other day about self-assessed intelligence in teens-- boys consistently rated their intelligence higher than it really was, how unrealistic their assessment was correlated directly to narcissistic traits (which boys scored higher on overall in the big five). Girls consistently underrated themselves and were more anxious and depressed. (The study's actual intelligence assessment found no gender difference, no surprises there.)
Anyway this study concluded with "let's encourage girls to be as confident as boys!" Like babe OK but you just found aggrandised self-assessment is directly correlated to narcissistic & low-empathy personality traits. Is that the society we want to live in? Girls get to be narcissists too? Nah.
This is essentially like the trope "strong black woman" where it seems great on the surface level but it's a double edged sword we're supposed to be so strong that nothing phases us and that we can save ourselves. It sucks because nobody is strong/confident ALL the time and you shouldn't be. I'm not saying these two tropes are exactly the same it's just how I understand and relate to it.
Exactly thiss!! I am confident AND a black woman, not a confident black woman. These should be separate, not all black women are confident idk why everyone is so obsessed with this idea.
Actually, I think this is spot on! I can remember crying or showing anxiety or being overwhelmed as a teen and being told that not only was I "being weak and needed to be strong" but I was also "acting like white a woman."
@@CiaraRouege ❤️❤️ All love to you guys. I'm sorry if you probably had to bottle your emotions, experiences, and all those negative moments just for the image of being a strong black woman.
This is why people need to stop making race a personality trait and see it for what it is;a made up concept created by white supremacy in the 1800s. People try to argue that race is important and that you shouldn’t try to get rid of it because your erasing diversity but is race, something you share with a few billion people on the planet even real diversity? If anything it creates tribalism and takes away one’s individually by being grouped in with a bunch of other people and creating a whole bunch of unrealistic stereotypes that end up hurting everyone at large wether bad or “good”. Honestly all race does is put people in the box instead of just letting people be themselves and put pressure on them to act a certain way.
Yeah and then when all your build up frustration is released or you show any kind of emotion, then you are the "angry black woman"
A lot of confidence issues are related to depression, ptsd, anxiety, and chemical imbalances in the body. You can’t just slap confidence on top of all that shit. You must deal with the root cause.
The root cause is how society works.
@@nashinashi0114yeh but obviously how you're navigating it is personal at some extent
Some of us are just ugly and unlovable though. Having confidence isn't easy or logical when you're actually disgusting.
@@jijitters 😬
Confidence comes from Latin, and it literally means “with faith”. So confidence is faith in yourself and not changing your personality to be “that girl” ! Just try to have more faith in who you are and your worth. I hate when people ladle confidence something vain and something that magically changes how others view you. No. It’s about how you view yourself. I may be wrong but that’s how I see it
thank you for this
that's so beautiful. thank you for sharing!
This is spot on to how I understand confidence. I’m disabled and some days are crap health days, but I’m secure in myself that it doesn’t mean I’m worthless and incapable of doing what I want in the long term I just have some limits and that’s okay. I’m still a human that can be a positive impact in the world worthy of love.
@@FifthAveAtFive That’s beautiful! Stay wonderful and positive
@@hollysmith3879 ur so welcome💕!
I’m a female engineer and all the “women in stem” events and mentoring sessions can be so annoying… I don’t need to be more confident; I need to be treated equally at work! Being more of a #girlboss isn’t gonna fix anything because I’m not the problem, the male dominated industry is.
Also Leicester is pronounced “Lester”… it’s also a dumb town name in Massachusetts where I’m from. ❤️❤️❤️
Female biologist here, different field, same issue. All the women in stem awareness days, lectures etc. seem so freaking useless to me. We went to a talk about working in academia once, where it just so happened that both presenters were women, quite senior in their field, and someone asked about how they could balance a job in academia with having a family. Basically the answer was that they were "very lucky and had very supportive partners".
Obviously, I don't blame them for being honest, but when that's the justification for how women can get far in academia without sacrificing having kids, how is it acceptable to go around organising workshops and awareness days, pretending that what's holding women back is a lack of assertiveness? We don't lack confidence in ourselves, we just lack confidence in society and in its ability to treat us fairly without asking us to sacrifice things that men are just not expected to sacrifice. If society wants women to be more confident, it needs to put in the work and gain our trust, so that we don't have to second-guess every decision we make for fear that it will irreversibly screw up our careers, personal lives, financial security for the next however many decades.
@@teom.4888 As another biologist I can also attest to reaching the same conclusions. I've been trying to do a career pivot since 2019. Sure, I learned some things at networking and sessions for women in STEM, but there was no way that writing positive affirmations to help actualize my next job was doing anything. No one wants to admit that when you get highly specialized with a niche skill set in STEM that you have to just wait until you can apply to a position that is close enough. You cannot network or positively think a job into existing when it doesn't exist at the moment. 'Cause all those when all those women in STEM mentors don't know what to tell you when you've exhausted all of their tricks no one wants to admit that you do not control the job market and you are at its mercy.
My confidence is decent enough, I got to my current position through hard work and interviews. Yet, to be told to be even more confident and negotiate that next salary aggressively and find a career coach just sounded like a waste of time and money. I can't believe how many people become career coaches mid-career and their bios are always about how they decided to change a their life focus to give back and took the time to retool (with a sig other covering all the bills and being supportive). Like dude, I'm a single professional female, I only have myself to support myself and I have to cover my bum. I hate having to use the necessary evil, LinkedIn where people click away with their tips to finding jobs, being confident and it is just exhausting . . .
THIS!! As a fellow girl in tech I couldnt have said it better myself. I could never pinpoint why these “women in stem” seminars I go to always seem so vapid, or never really offer new solutions or thoughts, but you worded it PERFECTly.
Forester here. Same thing. If I say something in the meeting, I get sniggered at or I see eyes rolling. But when I choose to say silent - I get the "It's like you don't want to be here" comments. I can never win as a woman in a male-dominated field, even though I am wy more educated than my male counterparts precisely because I'm weaker than an average man and had to rely more on my brain than on my muscles
It’s also a dumb town name in England
I feel like the internet makes confidence a trend, making it seem fake and toxic (ESPECIALLY with the whole “That girl” and forced glow ups everyone is having recently). Don’t get me wrong, confidence is amazing and trying turning your life around is a good idea, but it’s not so positive if it’s become a standard to try and strive for these things. It can make people feel like their not good enough even though they are!
Thanks for reading this all (Ik it’s a lot) 💕
*Sorry I have some grammatical errors 😅
This is so true😢😓
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I agree! Especially with tik tok being apart of everyone’s daily routine now, it feels like everyone is trying to be like everyone else.
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damn, I am going through this right now. I'm 19 and all of my TikTok and Pinterest are filled with "that girl" videos and aesthetic study sessions, aesthetic life, perfect wardrobes, clean girl aesthetic etc- all of these being ways to "love yourself" and I fell into that. I want to be that girl and so whenever I want to study I'm setting up everything aesthetically, I'm trying to be confident by doing their routines and trying to be "glam and chic but also effortless". I've been trying to be this girl with all her manifestations since I was 16. Safe to say it is not working for me. I am not that it girl with the perfect skin and a dozen Dior lip oils. I have too much going on. Life isn't as effortless as their videos are but you become so consumed by it that u can't stop asking yourself, "if she can do this every day of the week, why do I feel like giving up after 1 day?" I couldn't stop comparing myself. I needed a reality check, I should really do as much as I can take and know my pace
You need to detach yourself from trying to fit into an aesthetic. You’re not just one thing or a box where you checklist if you’re doing x,y or z that style of living is so redundant and difficult bc at the end of the who are you really? You should be thinking of how to genuinely express who you are
The aesthetic is a selling tool. That's it. You want to grow your online presence, become an influencer and make money off of it? You film aesthetic study sessions. You're not into influencing? You do normal study session because what is the point? Treat it more as an inspiration maybe- sometimes pick an outfit you like, or a desk lamp from those videos. But that's not real life and unsustainable
I'm so Sorry for what teenagers must go through today. You seem capa le of navigating reality WITHOUT that shit 😘
Oof. I felt this, especially as a woman engineer. I was told by my manager (a man) that I needed to “be more confident and speak up in meetings” when I had been constantly and consistently interrupted and disregarded by the men in the room to the point I’d given up trying to say anything. I’m plenty confident, I like myself plenty, I’m just exhausted dealing with these misogynistic jerks. There’s no point in wasting my energy on trying to be heard by people who might as well be covering their ears and saying “lalalala I can’t hear you” 🙉🔇🤫
1000%!!! and then of course there are the double standards where when you DO speak over a man in a meeting who keeps interrupting you, you're perceived as not collaborative enough or too pushy/"bossy"/"bitchy" because having more confidence doesn't just magically fix all the underlying sexism and misogyny in how men and women are treated in the workplace
Yes. A male teacher, when I was answering questions in class that everyone was too quiet to answer themselves, told me I was”dominating” the room, and I felt so ashamed I struggled not to cry. My passion was silenced so that the men in the room who didn’t give a damn could say their piece. If I had a confidence boost for every moment I was told to shut up in my life I’d be a star, LOL!
@Anna Society is literally telling us that women are to blame for misogynistic assumptions others have about you 😑 I do martial arts and am often criticised for looking too dainty when I kick... nevermind that I broke 3 boards with one kick. I'm still supposed to have a tougher mannerism in order to be perceived as confident and strong, because apparently people can't notice your skills otherwise.
Right! Like what do people like your male manager expect- for you to light yourself in fire to get their attention EVERY time you have something to say or contribute?! I'm on the same boat as you- also a female engineer- constantly dealing with the micro aggressions so causally brought up at meetings and wondering is this worth my energy? Which "battle" do I put my energy to this day?
wow strong comment!
You put these thoughts into words so well
Hey girl!!! Love your asmr 😃
I second that!
She hit the mark with representing that people are sensitive to environment, it’s basically impossible to find confidence just within yourself without the help of material objects, validation from other people who promote the idea you want, whether it’s workout clothes, teas, dietary supplements, new skincare. It’s so bad I can’t comprehend it sometimes, it’s infiltrated with white women pushing for feminist agendas, ew. I’m going off here but whatever I can’t I can’t right now I’m like psyching myself out
she absolutely does. i love how sensitive she is towards different groups and identities, and the way it’s put together. these videos are structured in a way that keeps me hooked! i love it
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I literally got sick because of the "that girl" movement in 2020, i was 16 and insecure and i just decided to become my best self in order to gain confidence, i put severly high standard on myself, and i crushed. I was suicidal, developed self harm behaviours and anxiety tics, it took to me more than a year of therapy to get over it.
tiktok ruins lives fr
Im a disabled teenager and i gotta say it is so demeaning when people tell me that i just need to own my illness and be confident. It isnt always safe to do so and it is a very big step to present yourself as disabled to the world. Confidence culture often is hand in hand with the "everything happens for a reason" cult in which i think many people fall a victim of. Because yea sure when awful things happen we want so desperately to convince ourselves that we can move past that and be open and embody ourselves in a positive way but that is so much easier said than done.
Especially when people have their biases take over after letting them know you're disabled. The amount of times people underestimate and hesitate to provide basic accommodations is so frustrating.
Trying to tell myself that being targeted at work for my disabilities and losing my job happened for a reason. It’s exhausting and when I’m depressed about my limitations I just get told to change my perspective, but I’m being told this by able bodied people who go on vacations and have large groups of friends and don’t have anxiety.
hi same!! i have horrible asthma and eczema scars and my family jusg tells me to “own it” and “who cares just be confident” it’s easier said than done.
@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus damn, I'm stealing that one
Had a doctor tell me when I was trying to figure out what was wrong (i was 15 or so) that I should feel happy that they couldn't find the cause, most kids come in with headaches and they're dead by Friday, and I was just a pretty young woman (or whatever bullshit creepy old men say) with headaches so I should be grateful. Like bruh I'd be more grateful if I could talk about my pain without someone saying "oh someone has it worse" or "but you don't look sick!"
Some years ago I had lots of self esteem problems and the way I dealt with that was to be more ""confident"" by saying I was pretty in the mirror, buying expensive skincare products, sexualising myself and also being obsessed with being "that girl" and the glow up trend.
Obviously this didn't help at all, ironically I started having self esteem when my whole body changed when I got diagnosed with cancer, though at first it was hard to not see myself as a monster, within time I learned that I don't owe anybody attractiveness and didn't have to be in love with the way my body looks to live a happy life
Right now I'm 16 (I still have cancer), and although I do makeup and like buying cute clothes I'm now aware on the difference between enjoying beauty and DEPENDING on beauty
I’m also a cancer survivor and I had a similar self-love arc. I try to practice body neutrality these days. Good luck on your health journey!
You are so wise!!
I don't know if anyone has said this to you already but I'm proud of you!
🤍🤍🤍🤍
"I'm now aware on the difference between enjoying beauty and DEPENDING on beauty" wisest shit I've heardg
it’s unrealistic to have complete confidence in yourself, but the internet made confidence something trendy and now everyone has hopped on that trend and it feels unauthentic
Personally I think it’s better that people are doing this rather than following the whole “Omg im so ugly 😣🥺 and I need validation from others” trend. I can’t tell you the amount of times people do that on tik tok, if people have so called “confidence” in themselves and that makes them feel better about themselves; then explain to me why are we creating an issue out of something with no problems. It only becomes an issue when you start to harm yourself or other people, this is one of the least harmful trends I’ve seen. People trying to find confidence in themselves by taking self-care oh wow so terrible.
@@fakefake1305 ngl I agree why are people getting pressed over people taking care of themselves 💀. If you don’t like someone eating healthy, exercising, and trying to help other people lead a healthy lifestyle maybe you’re the problem, people should just ignore it if it bothers them so much.
and internet 'confidence' is always for people who are *already* confident and beautiful; people who don't need confidence as they already have genetic and financial help to achieve their goals...
@@katfujioka212 Part of me wonders how real/true that content is though, especially if they have sponsorships. Public images and personas don't always show everything, only what they want you to see.
I feel like the confidence stuff on tiktok is made up of ppl who either actually have superiority complexes or are confident on screen but actually don’t like themselves irl atleast that’s how it feels on my fyp
Another thing about confidence, especially when viewed as a personality trait, or something that everyone should have, I think that's just very unrealistic and that its okay to not be confident. As someone who is introverted and often struggles with anxiety, it can be frustrating when people tell me "you just need to be more confident!" because its like they're saying it's "wrong" to be a quiet person or to not feel comfortable in certain social situations. But the thing is, I'm okay with being an introvert and I've learned to accept thats just the way I am, instead of trying to change myself to fit their ideals
Oh I had that exact talk with a friend who always has to be the center of attention when going out, flirting with any men in a 5 km radius even when she's talking to someone and I'm single and ignoring you in favour of getting praise and attention from others, like you do you but as a kind of more introverted person obviously I'm going to feel like shit next to someone like that. I confronted her with her behaviour and her response was that I had to be more open and enthusiastic and get on her level. Like girl, no i do not. I do not strive for that kind of attention from others, I don't want to change myself to meet new people. Either start behaving like an actual friend and support instead of exclude me or I'm not going out with you again.
Glad we both came to the conclusion that we dont have to put on a mask for us to be loveable and worthy of being appreciated.
@Himani Singh I understand what you're saying, but I've spent most of ny life trying to be outgoing, to please other people and put in the effort to talk to people, make new friends, etc., but I'm honestly just exhausted. I'm tired of "playing a part" or putting on a "mask" for other peoples' sake. As an adult, I'm just going to live my life the way I want to. I've wasted too much time being someone I'm not lol 🤷♀️
@Himani Singh i thought about being snarky but this could be a teaching moment for you so let's break it down.
Being introverted or extraverted are not mindsets, these are personality traits and your brain literally functions differently depending on how your personality is leaning. Check out the big five to get really into it but basically introversion and extraversion are a part of every humans personality, it just differs in levels. You can have high levels of extraversion with low levels of introversion and vice versa.
Depending on your levels, your brain reacts vastly different to stimulants. A brain with high levels of extraversion gets stimulated way harder than a brain with high levels of introversion, so you'd have to stimulate it way more to get the same bodily reaction as a person with high levels of introversion would already have.
Meaning, introverts get overwhelmed and stimulated by certain situations way more easily than extraverted people.
It's not a matter of mindset. If you have to force yourself to be out going, social and what not to a certain degree, you will get overstimulated and uncomfortable in the process, because your brain is overwhelmed.
The opposite is also true, if you are a person with high levels of extraversion and "choose to be introvert" like you said, you will be understimulated, bored, not fulfilled and unhappy.
You can't train yourself to change your levels. Sure, they can change over time, personalities change, but you will be extremely unhappy and unfulfilled.
If someone who seemed to be extremely extraverted has zero problems cutting human contacts to a minimum and being alone most of the time from one day to another, they likely weren't that extraverted to begin with.
I hope you understand what I'm saying, it has nothing to do with laziness or the mindset, and extraversion as well as introversion are a part of every human being. One is not better than the other and forcing yourself to go against your and what your brains tells you for the sake of "growing" or "getting further in life" is just not beneficial at all.
I hope you let go of these beliefs.
@Himani Singh have you read my comment? It seems like you did not or at least not understood it.
@Himani Singh not really, you're talking like being introverted is a personality flaw that has to be overcome to become a better human, while I give you actual science and research. Please, for your sake, get into the big five or any other personality models and you will see that you are indeed wrong, and will hopefully change your mind about how being introverted= lazy mindset.
confidence culture is why we feel bad when we rest in bed during weekends instead of doing yoga or swimming or trying to be the best version of ourselves, while we just survived to an other week of intense work/ exploitation.
I know right? it's like they don't see the actual problem why we aren't "confident" like them.
As the entrepreneur of its own self, the neoliberal subject has no capacity for relationships with others that might be free of purpose. Nor do entrepreneurs know what purpose-free friendship would even look like.
As a mutant form of capitalism, neoliberalism transforms workers into entrepreneurs. It is not communist revolution that is now abolishing the allo-exploited working class - instead, neoliberalism is in the course of doing so. Today, everyone is an auto-exploiting labourer in his or her own enterprise. People are now master and slave in one. Even class struggle has transformed into an inner struggle against oneself.
People who fail in the neoliberal achievement-society see themselves as responsible for their lot and feel shame instead of questioning society or the system.
Now, under the neoliberal regime of auto-exploitation, people are turning their aggression against themselves. This auto-aggressivity means that the exploited are not inclined to revolution so much as depression.
*_Psychopolitics_* - Byung-Chul Han.
It gets so tiring when rest has to be “productive”. I had a horrible breakdown about this thought just yesterday and went on a walk to try and run away from the feeling. It became so overwhelming I almost collapsed while walking. I’m so tired of “trying to be better”.
Oml, u just put how I’ve been feeling for ages into words. Thank u
Resting in bed can be a form of self neglect though. It's also usually a sign that something is wrong, like depression, which means people should be empathetic but not normalize it.
I'm not saying you have to spend all your free time doing yoga or swimming but that other activities that actively help you recover & recharge should be encouraged too. Like doing art, gaming, socializing with people you like, many different hobbies & activities which have a positive impact on peoples health.
It’s like privileged people will do anything to justify their privilege.
I had my attractive friend tell me to act more confident and smile more because people treated me badly because i didn’t smile enough and wasn’t confident enough.
But i tried those things and still was treated badly.
Confidence comes from privilege, and if you lack privilege and behave confidently, depending on which privileges you lack, people will often be even angrier than someone like you is acting confident.
It kind of reminds me of this interview from Mindy Kaling, where someone asked her where her confidence comes from. If she was thin and white would she have been asked that?
For women who don’t fit beauty standards you are blamed for not being confident enough for why people treat you poorly, but if you act confident people will be angry about why you act confident.
YES.
This screams first world problems. I’m sorry Americans but being ugly isn’t oppression.
@@всемпривет-и1щ Why are you bothered by what she said. People in all countries can agree that not fitting the beauty standard can negatively impact your life.
@starlyn - why? Because it’s fucking annoying. We get it emily you have a long face poor you. Who gives a shit?? That’s not a struggle.
Imo, the whole point of confidence is that you don’t need anyones permission to be confident. Both for privileged and marginalized people, if your confidence is centered on the opinions and acceptance of the people around you then it isn’t confidence. That’s just other people giving you their permission to exist. Although yes, obviously we do live in a society and privilege gives you less oppression to worry about, Confidence is not a feeling someone else has to give you. Think of any and all marginalized groups that exist in our society, LGBT, poor, neurodiverse, POC, etc obviously have countless and millions of confident people within them, despite facing systemic oppression. Also think of the MANY conventionally attractive people who are deeply insecure and constantly validation seeking. Obviously you didn’t say there are NO confident marginalized people or NO insecure privileged people, but honestly I definitely think it’s more complex than privilege = confidence. Only giving yourself the permission to feel confident when systemic oppression disappears or lessens (which could take several lifetimes) seems like the direct opposite of what confidence is.
I'm a dancer and also a Yoga instructor, and when in my third world, under development country, thousands of people took to the streets to protest and riot across the city, in deep frustration about our very corrupt and violent government. My heart was seriously broken listening to the amount of bulls#%&$ so many of my colleagues had to say on social media. Mainly the ones associated to Yoga classes, spiritualism, self-improvement, alternative therapy and medicine, etc. I couldn't believe my ears and eyes! the way many of them were so easily ready to discard their demands, labeling the demonstrators as "unbalanced", "violent" and basically well, "un-evolved"; not "aware/awoke enough" to take themselves out of their "unfortunate circumstances". Truly disgusting how great tools for self-knowledge and happiness as the ones I love and study are used in such a manipulative and cruel way.
I feel like these ‘confident’ ‘girl bosses’ are ALWAYS at least somewhat better off than most. Whether it’s money, fame, pretty privilege, whatever. Lower class people/ mentally ill people etc being confident seems to be looked at as ratchet or just not great. Plus it’s pretty hard to be confident when you fit that group. If you’re rich and well off, yea, you can easily say ‘confidence is key’. I really think it’s less about confidence and more about hierarchy and privilege
Also I’ve seen girls reallyyyyy rep being confident and claiming to want everyone to be confident. And then go on to bully and mock other women. It’s not confidence, that’s privilege and and inflated ego. Egotistical and competitive confidence is not the goal.
Honestly, I don't like how 'to be that girl' is linked with achievement ,confidence and self care but its mostly about improving physical appearance (which is not at all wrong ) but doesn't solve the issue of actual self care or mental health. This is also applicable for post breakup glow ups. The video was great as always ❤
!!!
in my feed to be ‘that girl’ means skinny white and rich
@@ilon.k from what I've seen of the "that girl" stuff its not really about physical appearance beyond doing what makes you feel better (skin care, healthy eating, exercise). They usually encourage people to read, meditate, get up early, ect. Im about as far removed the the "that girl" as a person can be and still be a female so perhaps thier are nuanced i am not aware of. But from where I stand, it seems like something that has more positives than negatives. The biggest issue seems to be that it idolizes women who are presenting a very curated image of themselves rather than the reality that no one can be "that girl" all the time.
@@undetestable1 Yeah that's also a good point! Being "that girl" is not for me, but it's great if it is for you
Trigger warning
As a middle school student, I came to a teacher I trusted and confided that I was being molested by an older cousin, who was in his late 20s. All that was done about this was that a guidance counselor was called to counsel me in how to say “no”. She literally just had me repeat the word no at her, ✨ with confidence ✨ . No family members were called, no police, nothing. I was left feeling so ashamed, so let down by the system. And basically had to sit with the embarrassment of being in class with the teacher I confided in and knowing that they knew and figuring they thought I was a loser. I was 12.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that trauma, Angelica. And then to have that trauma magnified by adults who should’ve been helping you but they did nothing to change the situation. I hope you’re in a better place now. 💝 You deserved help and caring. Your cousin is a disgusting POS.
@C S wow thanks so much for all that fucking empathy
Yeah thats illegal wtf that councilor should go to jail
@C S ma’am… they don’t have to put a trigger warning anyway, your triggers are your triggers, they just wanted to be nice, they don’t have to
I am a teacher. What happened to you is illegal where I live. Teacher and counselor could have gone to jail for their actions. If a student comes to me with a story of abuse, I have to call Child Protective services and the police. A child would removed from the home and taken into protective custody. I know you might have felt like a loser but that teacher and counselor were the real losers.
I completely agree. Just want to add that I think a lot of people think of confidence as 'being loud'. I'm a quiet person, I always have been, it's just how I am. When I was in school all teachers would say I 'lack confidence' and described me as 'shy'. When in reality I just quiet and didn't feel like shouting over my peers. I don't think I was ever unconfident, but when you have adults constently tell you that you are, it does wear you down a bit.
“Insecurity screams, confidence whispers” is a quote I love and that reminds me to stop feeling gaslit that I’m lesser by noisy, obnoxious people because I don’t babble incessantly. Shouting exhausts me and I’d rather be around people who want to know what I have to say, rather than having to yell to be noticed.
I actually believe the “loud confident people” are the people with the most insecurity feeling the need to be heard, validated, & recognized. Genuinely confident ppl are quiet, they don’t need anyone’s approval or to be liked.
I remember adults would tell me I was shy because I'm quiet and soft spoken and it just made me confused. I didn't feel insecure about approaching people as a kid, if anything having these things pointed out created insecurities. I talked to anyone I wanted I just didn't like talking over people and talking loudly like you. I remember I would walk around my small town just to talk and hang out w my favorite shopkeepers/employees who were like 16 year old girls when I was like 10 lol
people: be more confident! embrace yourself! be assertive!
woman: *is confident and assertive *
people: ....
people: thats not very ladylike
The thing is true confidence would mean you wouldn't really care if others thought it was ladylike. I get what you are saying though. I think we all care at least a little about what others think and it's hard to be confident when you get mixed messages on how you should behave.
Maybe the problem is that confidence and assertion is usually interpreted as being loud and aggressive when in fact it's all about being confident in your work and asserting your personal values through tact words and deeds. So far, social media women tend to act super loud and aggressive (even cussing or disrespecting people) to show confidence and assertion, which is the origin of this unladylike thing.
@TK Raid you're making justifications for sexism based on Nothing real, being lady like has been a misogynistic standard for decades before the internet existed
woman: * is confident and assertive but only in a sexual way carefully curated for the male gaze *
people: yasss qween! girl power
@@tkraid2575 The problem is that men can be aggressive and loud but it is not viewed negatively.
Shein promoting body positivity and confidence while using sweatshops in China and Vietnam for cheap, slave labor ✨✨
it is also girl power, girlboss energy when we exploit labour /sarcasm
@@busycrying it's the exploitation of vulnerable women an children for me ✨✨
👏
And using obviously edited pictures to showcase their clothes...
Fast fashion companies really be clowning ppl with some buzzwords and marketing stunts ... Friggin horrible how on the other side of the world ppl are being payed scraps
Getting a Black woman therapist changed my life. Not that it solved all my problems, but having someone who understood both MY trauma and my family's trauma was HUGE. Self care for me is about accepting myself and being able to craft a lifestyle where I am meeting my own needs, and not looking for others to do so. That's the hard work that doesn't look cute on Instagram! It's been very unglamorous and expensive, but worth it to be able to move forward with my life and see my inherent value. I love my at-home matcha lattes but they don't fix my mental health!! This is why the that girl trend bores me to death. I don't want to think about how I look while I'm WFH/moisturizing/drinking water?? That's not what it's about.
Ik what u mean. I’m half Korean half white and my white dad dragged me to a bunch of white therapists bc of issues I was having w my Korean mom. They didn’t understand anything ab what I was going through or my mom and me’s culture. U gotta have someone that knows ab u and knows what the inside of ur house looks like
love this comment
I’m white, but having a black female therapist was life altering. White therapists have either avoided problems, or just stated that my problems could be solved with a positive attitude.
this comment is really inspiring!
I love this comment so much ❤
There’s also a difference between confidence and aggressively forcing everyone around you to agree with or accept ALL aspects of your persona. I also have a different meaning for confidence. Confidence for me, growing up has always been more of an existence neutrality . It didn’t mean thinking I was the best, can do the best 24/7 and I’m never sad or self-conscious. It was hey I’m existing, like everyone else, I’m running the same race and at the end of the day we’re all going the same place. Just do you until it’s over.
Yeah, for me confidence means forgiving my own human flaws and mistakes just as much as I would forgive my friends' flaws and mistakes. I don't look at my friends and go "oh, gross, you're breaking out all over your face, nobody's going to want to date you" because that's cruel and untrue, so I try my best not to say those kinds of things to myself. It's an inward feeling. You can feel insecure in the most expensive outfit, you can feel confident stark naked. There's no way to buy it or diet into it... It comes from the practice of being kind to yourself and others. But that's not marketable so that's not the way companies like to push it.
I like the values of self-respect or self-compassion more than self-love. "I'm a human just trying my best, my life is valuable even on bad days, I'm okay with my messy parts" is a much more sustainable mindset.
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this is so wise!
Yes, basically it's a state far away from neurosis. A non-ruffled state with sufficient self-empathy and boundaries that are (then) self-evident.
As someone who struggles with mental/physical disabilities, as many others do, it's difficult to exist in this world during this era of "productivity". You feel like you're missing something that every else has & feel immense guilt, because you want to be productive but literally can't match everyone's standards so you're just seen as lazy. I see others going to work, then grabbing groceries, go meet a friend for coffee and STILL come home and do their chores/skincare/whatever. They can do things like that day after day & even still go out on the weekends, yet for some of us we are having to plan just grocery shopping as our entire plan for the day, and even plan multiple days of recovery after. :/
"Just be confident" sounds so easy but its such a privileged statement...As someone with diagnosed autism and anxiety disorder I cant just "be confident". I wish it was that simple 😅
What does it truly mean to be autistic?
@@dianalove539 it’s a mental condition people are born with? What do you mean?
@@dianalove539 I’m sure you’ve heard of google. Please don’t expect disabled people to teach you, it’s draining for us
Worked for me & shit i have that & ptsd
@@cattc6946 PREACH!
I have this same problem with the whole "law of attraction" and "manifestation" narrative, which I also think has a cult-like behaviour. If you're struggling to pay the bills, you just have a "bad money mindset". You're not putting out wealthy vibrations into the universe, cause if you did you would be attracting it back to you. It acts as if systemic poverty doesn't exist, some people don't have certain advantages over others (most influencers who preach this are thin, young, attractive, charismatic, etc.), random good or bad luck isn't a factor, etc. Some people work REALLY REALLY hard, and have positive attitudes, but shit just doesn't work out for one reason or another. Maybe because they're burdened with student debt and a shitty economy with unaffordable living expenses and low wages. But don't look up at the politicians, the systems of oppression, the corporations that manipulate us, nope. Don't look there. The problem is within you. It's such a toxic, victim blaming, white-washed neo-liberal interpretation of Eastern philosophy, and it's spreading like the plague on Tiktok & IG.
Oh my god, YES. I always think of law of attractive and “vibrations” thing as a nonsense BS thing. My main issue is when it’s used against serious stuff and made seen as if YOU are the issue if something somehow isn’t clicking….
Like when I opened up about bullying to a *coach*
She told me that the reason I get this treatment is how I vibrate to others and allow them to treat me that way or that my confidence levels that speak to others to treat me this way….
It really hurt me and it made it worse for me the whole bullying experience. now I do understand what she meant, sometimes some behaviors makes it easier to have bad people around and how they treat us, such as people pleasing or being too nice, but this doesn’t always apply to us and the way she said it was too cold… As if awful people don’t exist or if they do then somehow you contribute to it or it was your fault, they don’t say it that way but the way they phrase things is exactly that way. like as if I say responsible for shitty individual’s behaviours.
@@marinaSassygUrl88 I am so sorry a "coach" spoke to you that way. It's sad that you were vulnerable enough to open up about your bullying experience, and she basically responded by bullying you yet again. If you applied this same thought process to a r*pe victim, it's SO obviously wrong in that context to say you were "vibrating to allow others to treat you that way". I think even she would agree that line of thinking is so wrong, but why is it then ok in another situation? Especially cause so many kids get bullied just for being - being fat, being black, being an immigrant, being gay, being on the autism spectrum, etc. It's the bigotry of the abuser that's the problem, and you were just trying to process your experience and move on from it, not put yourself further down the rabbit hole of blaming yourself. So from this totally unqualified person, I hope you are able to find healing and closure.
@@CasaDuroTinyHome thank you very much- I can’t thank you enough for your sweetness and kind words you said to me. It’s very rare how few people can understand why this is fucked up, and you just made me happy and validated my feelings about this so thank you 🌺💜💜
The whole situation was very disgusting for me to process. I was on this app that is used for only speaking on video calls- like Skype, but no picture just voice. So you meet different people and just talk- no messaging. I forgot the name of the app, I actually tried to forget the whole experience and everyone there bc there were a lot of douchebags on there anyways.
So anyways, I enter this chat room- or let me say speaking room- and I met different people. My main goal was to get more confident, and feel less anxiety, cause I have a terrible social anxiety and I suffer from confidence issues. Well that was a BAD idea cause it only made me feel worse, when some people would dislike something I say or not follow me back or unfollow me after a chat ( you can follow people and have profile and bio but can’t actually message by chatting only by speaking ).
So anyways, in this chat room, I met this so called “coach” and, I thought it would be a good idea to share my experience and - I don’t remember why exactly but I am sure she asked us something and then I went ahead and shared that. I wasn’t too happy about my situation so it must’ve been a question I replied to. After that, she started making it all about her self and trying to turn everything I say into “ oh my gosh I used to be just like youuuuuuu I remember I wasn’t able to stand up for myself” or “ it took me so longggg to be confident and i was just like you” and then went on and on about her experiences and lecturing me about how she got where she is now- a confident strong women that she wouldn’t have dreamed of in the past…. to the point where I don’t even remember I had to speak about ME and it almost felt like it was about her. She gave me a pretty self centred person vibe. The thing that made it worse, is that other people were in the chat, and I felt so small when she was making it seem like it had to be all me and if I only was stronger than I could’ve avoided this. I mean I even tried to sympathise with another women that opened up about her bullying experience and that’s when she comes in she interrupts me - in an obvious annoyed voice “ excuse me, there’s a truth to that [referring to me saying that it’s the bully’s fault for doing that] but we can vibrate certain things to let others know how they treat us- it’s our vibrations “ and went on and on about it. Hell I even felt so brainwashed and I was so confused- and actually believed if I had “ vibrated” differently it wouldn’t have happened. Not only that but her tune and attitude were what struck me the most- and I blamed that on myself, I said maybe I am sensitive that’s why I thought she was rude but now that I think about it, no she is actually rude.
So yeah, this was an experience that really fucked me up. I was at the most vulnerable place- and I was still hurting from the bullying that wasn’t too long ago- and being on that app and hearing these things made it alllll so much worse and hurt me more than benefit me. I am okay with lessons and learning- but this is a classic victim shaming in a new age. They always try to make it sound like we are stupid if we argue against this- but these people are the problem. And exactly, you wouldn’t say that to a rape victim, why to a bullying victim? What’s the difference? It’s not like I knew these people that bullied me and then I let them do it- they had issues and resorted to me. They were a gang and I couldn’t do shit cause all the classroom is on their side cause I am not really social with anyone, so I can’t do anything. I even reported them but to no use.
It's literally just a secular version of the prosperity gospel, the Protestant thing where if you haven't gotten wealth then you haven't put enough faith and prayer to God, had enough positive thoughts, and *haven't given the church enough money* . God or the universes, prayer or manifestation, faith or mindset. It always ends with you being asked to open your wallet to make it happen. These new manifestation gurus act like they're pulling something new, but it's the oldest business in the books!
fr someone will post smtg like “I used this audio and the next day I got an iPad and $100 more in my allowance!” like at that point it has nothing to do with the audio and everything to do with your rich parents lmao
To me confidence might be something a little different than to other people. The german equivalent to confidence is „Selbstbewusstsein“ which directly translates to „selfawareness“. You are aware of your strengths and weaknesses thus know your self worth and be satisfied with who you are while working on your ‚flaws‘ at the same time! And I think that is definitely something everyone should have. But I also have to agree that social media turned it into a toxic trend by ignoring the fact that gaining confidence is a process that takes a lot of time and self reflection. Obviously the way you are treated contributes to your level of confidence and society needs to change in that matter.
exactly! corporations capitalizing off of the idea of confidence being a concept you have to yearn or strive for completely defeats the purpose of what confidence should truly be about: self-assurance, or self-awareness as you've mentioned. its easy to water down confidence as simply just being conventionally attractive or living a privileged lifestyle, but that instead pushes the idea and pressure of consistently having to maintain that perfectly-crafted life or kickass image you give to yourself all in the name of "confidence" or to seem like you have your shit together. but true confidence is about breaking free from external expectations of how confidence is supposed to look like or feel like, no matter your background. its about accepting all the parts of yourself youre supposed to shun. instead of trying to rid yourself of your insecurities or trying to glamorize your insecurities, those should instead be validated as something a natural part of being human instead of a weakness that stunts you from being "confident". confidence shouldnt be something objectively/collectively decided for you, but instead something you possess internally as an individual out of full faith and belief in your worth just as you are, regardless of whether or not that fits into what society imposes as "confidence".
@@cannedcondensedmilk Yes! And it's really telling that the people who are preaching these unrealistic ways to be confident such as writing 50 affirmations every day or some ridiculous activities are people who are rich and conventionally attractive who doesn't have to worry about where they're going to get the money to buy necessities and pay their bills. It's quite infuriating to think about.
"Be more confident!"
All of my insecurities? Immediately gone! Like magic! /s
I'm a 26 year old woman and my own parents have weaponized confidence against me. Anytime things aren't going particularly well for me (I have a lot of mental health issues), my "lacking confidence" (?) is thrown in my face. Anytime I was made fun of as a kid, it was blamed on my confidence. Everything gets blamed on the fact that my confidence just isn't high enough. So fucking irritating.
Edit: I also believe they denied getting me mental health treatment when I was a minor because of this. I begged for help as a kid and never got it, and had to deal with diagnosis and treatment as an adult on my own.
the idea that things that happen to other people or things that are done to them is up to them is just a harmful mindset in general. like how is it that the people who make the choice of bullying you aren’t to blame but you are? no matter who you are and however you behave (as long as you’re not harming other people), you don’t deserve such treatment. it’s very much victim blaming and i can’t believe people genuinely think that way.
Yeah even in adulthood having confidence or lack thereof can and will be used against you, people will brand it as rightfully taking you down a peg or using it as an excuse to walk all over you, you can't win
My Dad does this, its so annoying.
I have always hated how people blame peoples actions on someone elses inactions. Sometimes people are just terrible (especially children) and it has nothing to do with the person being bullied.
💗💗💗
The "lean in" school of thought is so damaging not just to women, but to society as a whole. I can't talk about all fields, but at least in my field I've seen plenty of men in senior positions be overly confident for no reason, be great at talking bullshit and underdelivering, followed by everyone around them pretending that no one could've seen it coming, rinse and repeat.
When so many men get ahead by overpromising and underdelivering, why are we telling women to imitate men? How is society benefiting from investing in delusional people with over-inflated egos who can't realistically assess their limitations and waste everyone's time and resources in the process? Why would companies rather hire someone who is good at manipulating them in the interview room, rather than someone who can actually do the job properly? The one case when businesses will work to their own disadvantage, and it's all in the name of not bursting the bubble of the male ego. Surely the best way forward would be to encourage men to be more realistic when assessing their abilities, rather than telling women they should overestimate theirs.
YES!!!! And also because when women just turn up with like, a realistic and fair amount of confidence it actually backfires most of the time. Like all the things they tell us to do, as for a raise, speak up etc. are proven to be received negatively when a woman does them. Everything you said is so true, the number of delusional men I’ve dealt with is hard to even process
🙏“Dear God, please grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
There’s lots of middle ground that’s getting ignored between true confidence and a type of non-confident, over inflated ego. I think the perception of “imitating men”, is asking for what you want and knowing how to advocate for yourself. I never thought it was about being an over promising underachiever. But more, not waiting for permission or until you “feel” like you deserve it. Which for women can mean waiting to be overqualified and receive some sort of outside validation before taking the plunge. So yes, have the confidence of a mediocre white man. Also confidence isn’t freedom from consequences, if the powers that be reacted well to confident women, we wouldn’t be having this conversation and this systemic gap wouldn’t exist. Knowing how to navigate the consequences that may come is also part of confidence Imo. Confidence also looks very different than the shallow girl bossing that’s peddled to us. It can be reserved, calm and strategic instead of stereotypically masculine assertiveness. It’s also sold as a permanent state of being instead of the fleeting feeling that it is and a lifelong practice and skill, one’s that messy and non-linear but worth undertaking.
nothing but facts. Thank you for writing this
can't like this comment enough
I hate what Mercedes did. She is such a gatekeeper with money that isn’t even hers! I totally agree, instead of making candidates jump through hoops to prove their salary, just be upfront with the budget. I can’t believe she was comfortable with sharing that.
th-cam.com/video/r_G0xPVSUEI/w-d-xo.html
it's actually very normal and expected what she did. Companies tell their HR people to try and give as low of a salary as possible so really she was just doing her job. (I dont know why she shared it as though it were something to brag about though) As a potential employee best practice is to always ask the salary range they offer for the position, or just ask way higher than you're hoping to realistically get.
Not a view I personally subscribe to: But it’s not Mercedes’ money, it’s her job to guard the company’s interests. As an applicant, you have to watch out for your own interests- why should private institutions do it for you?
It’s not the best system, but this is why people need to have more candid conversations about pay. If we have a better sense of what our peers/contemporaries are paid, we should ask for that. Never lowball yourself. It’s not necessarily confidence, it’s also imperfect information.
what i don't get about this is she could have offered the candidate 100k and everybody would come out fine. like the candidate would have gotten more then they thought and the company would still pay less then they planned. she wouldn't have to go up the full budget
@@tasto7775 interviews are often recorded, or at least the interviewer has to take notes-so if they were seen offering more than was asked by the candidate they would likely lose their own job. Not a risk most professionals would take :/
I think everyone gets confidence their own ways. Either by eating their favorite foods, wearing makeup or even listening to a song. It just sparks randomly.
thats a beautiful thought...
stat boost
Can we all just collectively realize that the “that girl” trend is CAPITALISM and people eat that shit up without even a second thought!!
The matching sets, the 8 dollar matchas, the 80 dollar yoga class, the 100+ dollars worth of shower/beauty supplies! ITS ALL TO GET YOU TO SPEND YOUR MONEY AND put into the pockets of the rich. But society twist this as a goal of perfection, control, and power when in reality they are being CONTROLLED by the man.
@@Crab_cakey_cake it’s the american dream✨
It’s also all about making you a perfect productive little worker bee!! Its just grind culture packaged as wellness for women. Working 8hrs + exercising + making “whole food” home cooked meals + study 🙄 they want us run off our feet trying to chase this new brand of perfection.
we live in a capitalist society what did you expect?
Everything is. You have to approach new trends and buzzwords with the question "what does this demand of me, and who does it benefit?"
Unpopular opinion: Everyone is not beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with being “ugly”. Yes beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but conventional attractiveness is a real thing. People’s self worth shouldn’t be determined by if they feel beautiful or not.
😌
Body neutrality > forced body positivity
Great point!
Never read it put so well before 👍
I agree. It's like "everyone is a winner." It's meant with good intentions, but ultimately means there is something so inherently wrong with not being a winner that that other option must not be mentioned not even acknowledged to exist. There is nothing inherently wrong with not being conventionally attractive, but there is a lot wrong with saying that being not conventionally attractive is itself so wrong that it must be ignored.
I used to be 400 pounds, and back then, there was this push toward "every body is healthy" and "there's no such thing as being fat" and it was belittling, really, as it indicated that I couldn't handle the truth because the truth was simply too awful to acknowledge. I think the HAES and "no such thing as fat" movements meant to help, but ultimately sent the message that those things are too wrong to acknowledge, and caused more harm than good.
Rather than saying that ugly people and fat people and all kinds of people don't exist, rather than saying "everyone is beautiful" and "everyone is a perfectly healthy size", we should be saying that people come in all shapes and sizes and appearances, and everyone is worthy of basic dignity and respect. Don't erase people and claim it's to make people feel better.
i like to think that beauty is more of a potential, most people have and that its occurrence is a bell shaped curve, with most people being a normal amount of pretty and very few people have significantly more or less of it. I also agree that its not a good or bad thing to be at any point of the curve..
SOMEONE finally said it. Some people just win the genetic lottery for looks. Others in spmarts, humor, kindness, athleticism, etc.
Relating to the women in stem “lacking confidence” explanation topic: One thing I learned in my Psychology of Women class that stuck with me is how experimenters who find these results such as the disparity in math confidence at a young age etc etc, is that researchers will apply a “female deficit” framework to it. (The unknowingly or knowingly biased ones, that is.) Where it’s like women LACK confidence, therefore women inherently are less confident and that’s the explanation for the poor math performance. It’s the tendency to find results that show more issues for women, and apply a “how is it their fault?” logic to it. Instead of looking at all angles and saying “is it because teachers are biased? Is it because society doesn’t show women in these jobs? Are boys more rewarded for raising their hands? Etc etc” Very interesting to me & I think it applies! There’s an actual name for it that I can’t recall right now.
I agree with that in that it’s obviously not an inherent lack of confidence but a socialized one. I also think, and this has nothing to do with your comment, there’s a little circular reasoning going on in the comments. I’m seeing some women saying that “oh those women in STEM programs or confidence seminars or whatever are so annoying, I just want to be treated equally.” Systemic change starts with individuals and will require some bravery or confidence to do. It doesn’t just get solved just by the mere fact that injustice exists. I LOVE and agree with the ideas I’ve seen that confidence can look like self-compassion instead of assertion and that it’s a feeling, not a personality trait. Beyond that, I see women correctly recognizing that we’ve been deeply socialized to think this way, yet when resources (as imperfect as they may be) are provided on how we can and should undo some of that conditioning, we say we’re getting blamed for it and it’s not our fault anyway and the equality should already be there. And then point back to the problem of systemic gender inequality and socialization. Circular reasoning. This isn’t to defend shallow and pointless girl bossing as an actual solution obviously, but I think the responsibility to de condition ourselves lies mainly with us. And yes that will require confidence to have your own back and advocate for your self. Which can look like self -compassion instead of assertiveness, can be messy, non-linear, and hard, and is so important.
Replying so I can be updated on more replies to this 🙌🏻
Math, chemistry and Physics were such a struggle for me during high school, i thought i was just not made for it, my grandpa and dad are briliant at math, my family agreed i just "didnt inherit it".
Turns out, starting from freshmen year, my mental health was deteriorating fast while dealing with endometriosis. I had to get extra classes with the same professors i had in school, 2 of them harrased girls in the classroom and they would do the same in their homes and offices (were the extra classes took place) only one of them, my last year profesor was a decent man who we felt safe around, he taught me math and opened a world for me. In college i could really expand on it and realised i loved and could understand math, chemistry and that i specially loved to study physics. It was to late for me to switch careers but i have the dream to get a textile engineering degree some day but most importantly for this dangerous bias that keeps women away from science to disapear
@@leilanidru7506 You don't actually understand what the people complaining about women in tech events are saying. No one argued against learning self-advocacy. People are saying "what is the point in learning self advocacy only to return to an environment that will punish you for self-advocating"? Women in male dominated workplaces are consistently disrespected and dismissed confident or not. And if you protest that maltreatment then you are a problematic employee/ risk losing your job. I mean just look at how hollywood treated monique. First it was "black women don't negotiate for high pay. It's their own fault that there is a gender-race pay gap". After monique's attempt at negotiation, "UHM how dare you think you deserve high pay?!!" You can't win until the way society regards women changes. In my opinion rather than teaching women how to be girlbosses, they should invest those resources in gender sensitivity training so everyone learns about how may they knowingly/ unknowingly contribute to sexism in the workplace.
@@GaliadelaRosa I also had one really good physics teacher in high school. In previous years, I’d been dismissed if I made mistakes. I automatically gave up when challenged because I inherently thought it was too hard for me/not meant for me. But that teacher never gave up on me, and he worked super hard to make sure to talk with the insecure students alone so that we’d be comfortable (like not calling on us in front of the whole class). He encouraged girls to join the engineering team. It makes a huge difference to be taught by someone who properly advocates for your confidence. This is the reason I’m an engineer!
I also hate how people use the term "confidence" to basically gaslight myself and other people with depression. "You just aren't confident enough. You need to put yourself out in the world and you'll feel better because you're around people." I'm also an introvert, so that statement is pretty much trash to me anyway lol. Also, no one's problems are going to magically disappear because you are "going outside and getting some fresh air." I think people who say this stuff either don't know how to deal with or don't want to deal with someone with depression or who has a different way of looking at the world.
I think there’s a difference between liking yourself and having confidence. I like myself, a lot, but it’s still hard for me to figure out how to interact in public without feeling awkward or insecure. I still like myself even if I am more subdued some days and loud as shit others. Confidence is a feeling not a label on your worth as a person
Confidence helps, but it is not everything
Confidence can deliver
THIS!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!
i lost 35 lbs and have a figure pretty close to my “ideal body” and my mental health hasn’t even changed much. in fact i have more anxiety of gaining the weight back. confidence is not linear and i feel it at different levels everyday. i’m 23 and the only true thing i felt to confidence is by surrounding myself with people who validate me and understand me, and it had nothing to do with how i look. it’s sad realizing my whole life i fixated on my appearance rather than who i wanted to be as a person.
its never too late girl!!
Be glad that the now you're more aware of your own strong and weak points. Remember that this whole thing is a process. One never really reaches the final stage and that allows us to improve, understand and be more in touch with ourselves!!
Gotta thank all the amazing people you've around you
Instead of focusing on the weight part and worrying about gaining it back, how about trying to focus more on having a strong body? Not strong as in lifting weights, but strong as in feeling strong and healthy. Taking focus away from weight helped me with confidence.
Yeah, i realised that even when I was fat and didnt know how to take care of myself appearance-wise, I still had friends that loved, accepted and cherished me for the way i am - simply because they like me for ME, not the way I look etc.... Those r the real mvps
I've been in that place before. I gained some of the weight back and I'm happier now :)
omg same i feel like im never going to be satisfied
Man…This really hit me as I’m in the process of job search. I always feel like hiring managers care so much more about personalities than talent, if you’re not a confident type A hustler brimming with positive energy from head to toe, you’re just not it. How do introverts get jobs and ace interviews??
Talking as an introvert here, I put on a performance like a professional actor (I took drama and acting classes in school so that helps get into character, plus the more interviews you do the more experienced you get at acing them). It depends on what kind of job you're applying for though, as they all look for different types of confidence. I will become self-employed within the next few years though, I've had enough pretending to be someone I'm not for money.
Find an introvert to work for
Hmm.. well, anybody would struggle to work with someone who isn't very friendly. It is natural to feel that. And it would be very difficult to work with someone who's confident.
Could you imagine , a confident person in a workforce, and their boss telling them that they made a mistake. The confident person will reply "oh i wouldn't have made a mistake, because I'm so sure of it."
It is difficult.
But a friendly person in the same situation would smile and say "thanks for pointing it out, I'll make sure to fix that."
They aren't acting friendly, and holding grudge in their mind. Because they understand that making that mistake was shameful. And they are just glad that the boss told them directly and privately.
Depends on where you’re looking but at least my experience in the Tech industry (specifically large companies), hell yes they care much more about personality. But it’s not about introvert/extrovert Type A or not. For them it’s they want people that will fit there team and will just straight up be a good coworker to be with 5 days a week. Assuming you have the basic prerequisites of the position, then you can learn whatever else you need on top of that.
My other experience working food and service industry though… you’re right but that’s almost the worst of the worst.
as a slightly chubby and curvy girl in her twenties i LOVED that confidence scene from euphoria. extremely relatable. sometimes you just hate looking at yourself in the mirror because you feel like you're not good enough, your skin isn't clear enough and you aren't thin enough. then there are sone days when you feel like your best. it happens.
I get that myself... especially with the most recent trends for women's bodies. I can't wait for the "booty" stuff to die down a bit so i don't feel so self conscious about being flat and straight (but with a slighly chub belly and big up top). It's been harder to find clothes that suit me bc fashion has changed and i defo get that feeling not good enough.
But sometimes I have a good super confident day where I feel amazing and f the beauty standards with bright makeup etc.
Yes I love that scene so much
@@sugarlessgirl96 Honestly, let's just pray for people to accept all body types, from big booty to small booty
@Fiyinfunoluwa Ojerino yess 🙌 ofc! No one should be a trend.
Ans pls can we all accept that natural big big boobs hang/sag? That "trend" has never come and sadly there is no effort to normalise it at all...I've been called saggy since they sprung out when I was 11 and im 25 now, much bigger. Gravity exists? Sigh...
this "confidence cult" dismisses people with anxiety and other mental health issues. you can feel both confidence and anxiety (or any other symptoms of a mental disorder) at the same time.
and a mental state can affect your confidence levels on a day to day basis. they act like that's not allowed
you're right. there are times when i can go out confidently, thinking i look like the best person in the room, but at the same time i'm trembling with anxiety on the inside.
100% yes. "Just be confident" reminds me of "just be happy" "or just smile" like that's not easy for everyone and it's bs to think that at every moment in time one can just flip a switch and change their mood. Also mood doesn't change any out comes. if your not gonna get, let's say, a job for any reason, confidence isn't gonna help!
I think the whole confidence stuff is just a more socially acceptable way to tell suffering people to shut up about their problems, basically a modern version of "let them eat cake!".
Confidence can absolutely help you get a job over someone who is more qualified but not as confident
Your content is always top-notch and well-researched. There is a similar aesthetic in the teacher world on Instagram and TikTok. These teachers look like carbon copies of each other. They wear similar styles of clothes, and they have similar decorations in their classrooms. they are ALWAYS happy and hardly share the true difficulties teachers are facing. The pictures are always the same a young woman (usually white) standing in from of the whiteboard in their perfect classroom, smiling like a pageant queen while holding their iced coffee. Their classrooms look like trendy coffee shops and their outfits were always beautiful and their hair was always on point. It honestly made me feel terrible because I struggled so much last year even though I was trying my best and I never felt like a good teacher when I compared myself to these teachers on social media.
What you've just described really genuinely sounds like a cult omg?
Confidence isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when it's combined with ignorance, arrogance, shamelessness, and narcissism, it can become downright dangerous.
like its my fucking fault im not confident, when society/life has SYSTEMICALLY challenged my confidence. Its so frustrating honestly, like why do i have to be extra something when i am already good enough for the job?? “talk louder” “be assertive” “ask for more” sis, i am just quiet and hate the spotlight, why do i have to change my personality to get what i deserve?
ahhh i felt that. im pretty timid and it makes you feel like something is fundamentally wrong with you?!
THIS EXACTLYYY i blame all my insecurties and i mean all of them within societal/beauty standards it also has challenged me to the poin where i think to myself in order for me to be 'pretty i have to do certain surgeries and facial to obtain that and i hat that because i know my mindset wont change because the system just keeps getting worse and will always profit off our insecurties etc. (hope this wording was good lol)
For real ppl think confidence is acting or looking a certain way while its quite the opposite. Its accepting who u are not trying to change
body neutrality >> over anything else. Ever since I started appreciating my body for simply being a body i’ve been at more peace …a lot of people especially on tiktok should try it..also when women feel insecure people always bring up that a man would want them- immediately putting their worth on whether a man would find them attractive or not..
It's so sad how much emphasis and importance we as a society have put on our physical appearance. People are obsessed more than ever about their appearance and new "insecuries" are developed constantly that we're apparently supposed to feel insecure about, looking at you Tiktok. The biggest wish for many young girls now is plastic surgery. There's so much more than just our appearance, more important things that we should value in life that actually matter in the end. We don't have to love our entire body, great if people are able to, but it's not realistic for most and neither is it healthy in the long run. Body neutrality should replace body positivity.
@@aspannas completely agree…my little sister who is 12 was watching another 12-13 year old youtuber who was talking about saving up for surgery….it’s incredibly sad her body hasn’t even developed yet and she feels like she needs surgery.. i quickly told my sister that she is too young to be thinking like that and to just live -your features will change as you grow & it really doesn’t matter how you look….it’s so sad what’s happening now.
@@22grrrl Reading that made me really sad, I'm very grateful I grew up without the social media of today at 24, seeing how easily teenagers and kids are being influenced by anything they see. It's truly not healthy for any of us to be constantly aware of others with the internet and compare every aspect of our lives to each other, especially the untouchable elite who people idolize.
It's great that you told your sister that, I hope you continue that. I think we need to really make sure the kids and teenagers of today value actual important traits and skills in life, probably by starting complimenting other things than beauty at a young age.
YES! Why does everything have to be about physical looks or romantic relationships?
I love this
I’ve always thought about confidence as kind of a “cure all” for having insecurities , but I’d never considered the systemic and societal barriers that make it impossible for a lot of people to be confident. Thanks for making this video (and all your videos lol)
I think confidence works the other way around, if you overcome your insecurities you'll have more confidence, but just having confidence wont get rid of insecurities. maybe its the natural result of self-acceptance and feeling secure in life. i don't think its impossible to be confident when you have systemic barriers in the way, its just very hard, and very wrong for others to insist that them achieving confidence is the proper response to these barriers (rather than us just getting rid of those barriers) finding self-acceptance and confidence where you can despite external barriers limiting your ability to do that is just something you do for your own wellbeing
sorry if this doesn't make sense lol my sleeping meds are kicking in
I was about to fall in this rabbit hole of spending hundreds on "self care", because I've struggled with depression for quite a while and I want to change. Good thing I've come across this video.
There’s other types of self care, though! Going to bed at a reasonable hour, getting out of bed, taking your medication, eating three times a day, going outside, seeing other people, brushing your teeth, those are all self care! Just starting with one is fine, you don’t need to, and can’t, just plan out a full daily routine. I'm at a much better place than before and I still don’t do all those things like a checklist every day. All my life planning out routines never worked, medication, therapy, and starting with small steps, they helped. See what’s most wrong, and try to fix that one issue.
That whole thing about Lululemon telling their employees that getting offended is their choice reflects a broader issue in the new age spiritual community at large, the idea that we all create our own reality, and that if anything is amiss, it's because we manifested it in one way or another. Really just a lot of gaslighting.
i mean, you can virtually gaslight yourself into be all positive, but you become a person with stunt feelings unable to cope with your own rage, unable to differentiate between normal behavior and abuse, and becoming a doormat to other people
so true & so toxic.
@@anyegaleana gaslighting yourself to be positive about what's happening is like... become a good cult member step 1
My sister use to work at Lululemon and she was verbally abused by her coworkers her whole 2 years working there, it’s a gross environment😕
I grew up Mormon and your comment is spot on. Mormonism uses a lot of new age practices. How else could they convince people that heir religion is true? It’s true because you believe it!
I was told, "but you're so confident and carefree!" after discussing how I didn't like the shape of my nose and stomach... I'm obese and tend to just wear whatever is comfy and I just vibe. Doesn't mean I'm not insecure. I just tend to be insecure about things other people aren't and NOT insecure about things people think I should be insecure about. I like my thighs and butt, I don't like how my stomach looks. I like my round face and tilted smile, I don't like my nose makes wearing glasses and masks difficult.
I don't CARE that my hair isn't frizz free. I don't CARE that my style is 2003 14 year old boy who wants to be a skater but lacks the coordination. I like it. I do care that my skin color and hair texture are seen as something I have to be confident about. It's my meat suit. I didn't have a CHOICE in the color or defects. I have a choice in how I present myself, and I have a choice in what media I consume to feel more "normal" as someone who looks like me. Lizzo isn't confident because she's fat and choose to exist and show off her body. She confident when she stands up for herself and people who look like her. Her very existence isn't confidence. She's not brave for being fat. She just is.
Confidence should be something you feel, not something you are. Being afraid or insecure sometimes is fine. Being confident sometimes is fine too.
Thank you for the beautiful comment. I relate a lot as an obese asian which is kinda a big deal since asians are known for being super skinny and having high standards. So I was made fun of a lot especially within my family since I'm a first gen here. Even after being married for 5 years and gaining a lot more weight (although was fat ever since 5 years old), I still struggle with loving my body or dressing how I want in public in fear of embarrassment or judgement. Lately, I've been getting into makeup and it hurts to say it just feels like a distraction from the constant need to lose weight. Sorry for the mind dump, but I appreciate your comment and I'm trying little by little to do things that would make me appreciate my body more because it isn't going to change instantly so why keep hating myself forever until I do lose weight lol.
Beautifully stated
My least favorite thing about society right now is telling us that it’s wrong to feel insecure. Insecurities are normal, everyone has them. Why do I have to try to “fix” my body or my brain to get rid of an insecurity? Why can’t I just live with it and be confident in other ways? It’s so stupid that we’re constantly being told we’re “unwell” and need to be fixed for just having mental struggles. It’s normal.
You make me understand things I didn't realise I didn't understand. And you make us see things we didn't see but that were silently eating us from the inside.
YESSS
When you said "confidence deficit is a systemic issue" - The way you connected the commercialization of white feminism to company's woke-washing - I've always felt there was a underlying connection but you just made it so clear 💯
I did psychology at university, and I would say that the percentage of females in each year’s cohort is probably 80%+, if anything more 90%. So it was very strange that 90% of my lecturers were male. It made me think where are all of these girls going after graduating, and I think it’s just another way males dominate professional environments, even in one that typically has a majority of females at entry levels
I’ve also noticed that even in female dominated fields or things that are traditionally more female, men always have the highest position ex: cooking, women traditionally cook but unpaid, domestically while men get the Michelin stars also I see more women as school teachers while men are the principals, deans, or uni professors
Well there are reasons that vary depending on the field. How old were your teachers compared to you? 50 years ago, you'd have been hard pressed to find a woman on the benches of the amphitheater. In about twenty years? I'd wager you will see A LOT of women leading the field. Maybe even too much at one point, if we are to apply the standards of today in a fair way?
In pro cooking (becoming a restauranteur): there is quite a lot of differences between household cookery and pro cookery. In one setting you're your own boss and deliver a small quantity, in the other you're facing an old order that was led by soldier-like people (there's a reason a team in michelin-starred restaurants is called a brigade). That air of discipline and authority was for a long time hostile to women while enticing to men.
Regarding schools, I dunno, maybe where you live. Where I live, things are pretty on par. Nowadays, there is a slow shift towards more equality.
Now an other angle I have noticed leading men to be more present in higher-up positions is social expectations regarding men. Higher positions tend to open up with experience. The very high ones are an end of career thing. Where I live, women tend to retire when they can (as they should, they've given their life to work, they deserve pension), while men are pressured to go on lest they become loosers, but also are never shown or taught the advantages of cooling it from time to time. Thus they forgo pension and hang on in. It's estimated about 50% of men that should be retired are still working in my country, leading to a boatload of issues: aging leadership disconnected from modern challenges, poor health for elderly men, career stagnation for younger people (both men and women). But those that do retire also have a soaring rate of mental health issues rooted in self-worth issues (they're of no use anymore to society, or so they think). That's been true for the last 30 years, and in the last 10 has started to apply to women in some degree as well. (full pension in my country is at age 62, so we can see those trends a bit earlier than in other countries).
Even the makeup, hair and fashion industry, the top designers, artists and stylists are often male. Go figure.
oh my god this is so true
I'm studying design and almost everyone in my degree is female and noticed the same, my professors even said that there's a lot of gender discrimination in our field regarding job opportunities lol (like historically and it's still strong nowadays, not so much thankfully but still pretty relevant)
There's a similar concept in the healthcare system where if a healthcare worker experiences burnout, it's because they didn't have enough "resilience". This puts the onus on the individual instead of the system. Doctors have the highest suicide rate of ANY profession. Individual healing cannot exist without systemic change.
confidence like it's talked about here honestly just seems like institutionalised gaslighting. It just completely silences any semblance of lived experience and helpful discussion around various barriers and chalks everything up to "well you just need to be more confident"
I'd say it's even bordering on victim blaming
"Oh you're experiencing workplace harrassment from men who think women are just inherently inferior.... have you considered maybe YOU'RE the problem?? Just be more confident girlie and they'll learn to respect you!"
Thank you for this video, I spend so much time absorbed into social media and taking in all these trends and new ways to take care of yourself I always feel like I'm one step behind everything. I was working full time and a full time student for two degrees and I was mad at myself for not getting up at 6am to do yoga. I recently slowed down my life a lot, especially since graduating school. Now I practically spent a month in bed from burn out and I still struggle with guilt on that. I'm fighting that guilt, I'm fighting how I been brainwashed. I'm choosing to allow myself to heal, I wasn't physically injured I was mentally injured and if I need a month to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling I'm going to do it.
I always wonder why we keep playing this game where we act like men, or how we’re told they act, to get ahead in the workplace.
I’m not a man, and I’m tired.
I deserve respect just for being a person living in this world, we all do.
We shouldn’t have to negotiate to be paid fairly. I’m tired of having to convince someone I deserve the means to live.
We shouldn’t have to put up with toxic office culture just to feed and house ourselves.
When every single one of us needs food, shelter, and water or we die, why are we forced to work most of our lives away to earn it? Food grows on its own, unless we’re trying to grow species in non-native environments or out of season.
As a species, can’t we decide to stop wasting our brief lives trying to convince each other we deserve to survive? All of us do.
Love the video btw!
Preach. Our global society is successful enough that we shouldn't be struggling just to eat and have a home.
Sorry, did you actually just say "food grows on its own" as long as it's native to the local area?
I honestly don't think I've ever heard anything more ignorant and uninformed.
Do you actually think that the amount of food the world needs will just grow on its own in the world as we know it today?
I know I sound pretty harsh in this comment, but I can't even comprehend how to approach this comment with a nice tone.
Have you ever talked to a farmer? Have you ever left whatever city you live in and actually paid attention to the rural areas who handle your food supply? Have you ever even tried to grow a single food producing plant? If you have tried, like maybe you've grown a little tomato plant, think about how much food (or how little food) it provided.
I get it, you're tired. The modern world we live in expects strange things from us. I don't want to be a dick because I get it.
But somehow you have people liking a comment that says our food just grows on its own, why do we have to work so hard to get it. Which is honestly dangerously ignorant.
Yes and not to mention I'm pretty sure there is research indicating that women who act within feminine stereotypes get promotions more often or something like that, but don't completely quote me on that because I don't remember where I saw it. At least in my personal life though I have found that to be true, and it's not always bad. I think that gentleness and patience are good for everyone to practice, man or woman. But it is really frustrating when you feel like you have to be feminine and submissive all the time to survive, even when you don't want to be or when it's not fitting to the situation you're in. But you get punished for acting "out of line" regardless.
@@m.e.881 I don’t think she is ignoring the hard work that goes into farming, she is just making the point that everyone has the right to eat. And that capitalism makes it more difficult to access food.
There is no doubt in my mind that agriculture is a grueling business, and grossly under appreciated in the modern world. I come from a long line of farmers and fishermen on my father’s side.
At the same time, you can’t deny the food farmers produce existed on earth before they cultivated it. It did “grow on its own” although in smaller quantities. No need to take offence :)
In my experience i find that most people the project “confident” are people who oscillate back and forth from extreme self love to extreme self loathing
yes!!
I agree. I think this is because they are not confident- but selfish. Selfish people obsess over themselves, whether they hate or love themselves. I’d assume it fluctuates a lot.
@@moniica541 by your comment I guess I can confirm to myself something that I was thinking lately, I’m selfish and self-absorbed I just don’t know what to do with this information if I’m being honest, I just go through intense phases of I love myself to I hate myself( the hate phase is way longer and intense), being ugly/beauty standards is something that I think and talk to much, I try not to comment to my friends anymore cause I feel that my insecurities come from my ego not being well with the knowing that I’m not as pretty as x and I’m not the prettiest, it really comes down to a competitive edge, and how much I think about it, makes me feel like I’m bitch who only cares about herself
@@el972 honestly relate hard, i think we have to tell ourselves we aren't these thoughts, they are external messages that have been absorbed by our brains, just because we think something doesn't mean we are it or believe it, it's just easy for our brains to regurgitate these toxic competition our capitalist society throws at us specially towards women/ Afab ppl.
And?
Overconfidence is a cult. I agree
I totally agree with the comments stating that this whole "that girl" movement has more to do with money and consumerism than with actually loving ALL parts of yourself. Its like society is trying to teach us more and more that resisting our depressed, broken and not so "aesthetic" parts is everything we need to be happy and I'm kinda sick of it. Tbh the whole idea of "aesthetic" and "productivity" ruined me and my mental state so much a few years ago, cause I unfortunately (but clearly) compared me and my whole life to these "ideal sprinkle unicorn happy lives". I saw it as something I had to fix myself and that something may be wrong with me, but considering now that I grew up in a not so fortunate environment - this child would have needed (self)love, acceptance (...), not a "cute room" and the next overpriced shake and thats something I'd wish the world would bring closer to us (instead of CaPiTaLiSm).
1) I hate 'THAT GIRL'! The fact that we think having white interior design and wearing matching gym outfits is 'having your life together' is bullshit. I don't dress fancy, do yoga, eat salmon every day or buy expensive stuff but I have my life together. These instagram influencers piss me off.
2) I also hate the instagram therpaists as you said. Nowadays everything seems to be a 'trauma response' (I sound like a boomer lol but Im gen Z). They say stuff like 'being independent is a trauma response, being a libra is a trauma response, drinking water too much is a trauma response' like tf are you talking about??!
suddenly everyone on the internet became psychologysts now
Fuck salmon lol
🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Me, a libra : 👁👄👁
@@-why6039 lmao
I consider myself to be a very confident person, but that came with accepting my autism and realizing that my criteria for my well-being is whatever I need it to be. It definitely didn't come with following someone else's guide to feeling good in my own brain, quite the opposite in fact. I also wonder if the push for all of us to be super confident, independent, self-supporting individuals is intentionally preventing us from forming more interdependent communities that would give us more protection from structural oppression. Communities of people make up for each other's weaknesses, but individuals always have to grapple with critical 'flaws' that wouldn't be a problem in a healthy support network.
Very interesting perspective!!
Oooo say it again! I had to accept limitations executive dysfunction puts on me and that done is better than some arbitrary perfect standard in my head.
My confidence as a neuroatypical person comes mostly from my parents agreeing with me that the people bullying me should try to be more like me. My self doubt comes from them saying stuff like not brushing my hair might get cps called on them.
I agree with this completely. I shouldn't feel ashamed for asking for help and accomodations that were rightfully given to me along with my diagnosis. This whole culture of "do things yourself or you're incapable of doing anything" is very much harmful
Your take on how the confidence cult is classist is SO true. As someone who has lived their entire life (so far) at or below the poverty line, almost nothing of what people preach online is really achievable. Everything costs money or time,... two things that poor people do NOT have in spades. The Club of Confidence is pay to enter... and almost half of the (USA, at least) population can't afford to get in. (Going off low income statistics). But, I will say that the current buzz about mental health awareness is nice... although people still only talk about the palatable mental health issues and ways to feel momentarily better... Bipolar, Schizophrenia, BPD are still wildly stigmatized, but I digress. You made many excellent points and I am so happy you have a large platform to speak on.
I also grew up poor and had much the same experience, don't know how many times I've had to explain to people that "just get a gym membership" is not feasible for me from neither a money aspect nor time aspect, and that expensive facemasks or spa treatments will in fact only give me MORE anxiety because now I have to feel guilty about wasting money and worry about how to survive.
Also very good point at the end, people are talking a lot about anxiety and depression but still use "ugh she's so bipolar" as a slur.
Also it’s some dumb shit that self care is always phrased through consumerism, IMO things like doing laundry and cleaning are significantly more important to self-care than beauty products or fancy drinks but since those everyday tasks aren’t marketable they’re ignored in the overall conversation
@@depotshredder6938 100% agree, it does way more for me to get some household chores out of the way rather than put on some expensive face mask.
I dont know what about it, but there is something "intellectual" in how you talk about this confidence topic and not just random talking and rambling. I am instantly subscribed to your channel!
“Just be happy” is the same sentiment. “Just be rich, successful, beautiful, etc” are all platitudes that are completely devoid and empty of any genuine and honest reality. It’s something someone says to you when they have nothing better to say. I rather have someone commiserate with me than give me “advice” that they took off of a hallmark card.
A few years ago a very unattractive man was talking very loudly to his friends as I walked into a gas station to pay for gas. He literally pointed to me (only a few feet away) and said "Like her! She's at best an 8 and walks around like she's a 10!" Wtf is walking around like a 10?! Because I walk with happiness and confidence?! So your point hit home and is so true!.
If you "walk around" like a 10 or feel like a 10, then you are a 10!
i’m pretty sure you’re a 10 though, don’t let anyone bring you down
These comments really made my day because I was having a tough one. Thank you so much!💗
Any guy who is like that is a one and will be a one forever because no one will ever WANT to be with him. Be glad he dissed you. You don't need anyone like him anywhere near you.
Just started the video and just wanted to say that the "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" thing is something that I've heard any time I mention my personal insecurities and it genuinely pissed me off. Through my relationship with my life partner I started to care about myself. Before him I would seek out attention from anyone I knew would give it to me, I wasn't really coping with my PTSD or even acknowledging it, I wouldn't take care of myself at all, and my mental health was completely all over the place. I started to accept my physical body and working to manage my mental health and personality flaws because of my relationship. Because he helped me be more of the person I wanted to be and he's changed a lot for my sake as well. It's important to be an independent person outside of a relationship (romantic or platonic) but sometimes it doesn't hurt to have someone else love you and help you learn to love yourself.
Exactly! Thanks for sharing! It's different for everybody.. it's great to be independent and whatever but sometimes you need that person who helps you and boosts your self care
I second this. I struggled looking after myself until I had a reason that wasn’t me. My other half was the same.
Fr it's hard to feel good about yourself when you feel unloved, unwanted, ugly . So yeah self love is not enough .
You don't just get confident one day and are 'that girl'. I see confidence as a everyday process. Some days I feel better about myself and more confident than others. Everyone can be confident, but we all have our days where we feel less good about ourselves and so we feel less confident. It's something to work on every single day and it's not a personality trait.
Yes, I agree. Gaining confidence and self love is a process.. And sometimes we have to accept the shit days. You can't do much to change it. You can't always feel confident, putting it as a personality trait is like saying " Only a few people with this trait are actually confident..And you can't. Insecure is your personality trait. "
It genuinely pisses me off
SO TRUE !!!
I honestly think one of the best things for my “confidence” was thinking I was ugly when I was younger and instead of trying to force myself to feel confident I just thought it was neat that people liked me anyway and that I didn’t have to dress to look pretty but could just wear whatever made me happy 🤷🏼♀️
So your confidence came from still being treated well by some people. The main issue with not fitting the beauty standard is being treated bad by others.
@@starchannel123 everyone gets treated poorly by others at some point.
I do wanna add that I feel that an issue with self-care is not always about how much money you can spend but how much TIME you can spend. You can get some great things at a local drug store or make at home but if you're working multiple jobs/busy with school/not able-bodied/going through mental health struggles/have family to care about before yourself it can be very, very hard to have the self-care idea of a face mask and bath bomb. Sometimes it's just a quick fast food and shower to get through the day (and thats okay!)
Thanks so so so much for this video ♡ I deff struggle with the internationalization of "You're not self loving yourself enough" and it's a hard thing to shake.
I really appreciate this comment. Sometimes just being is okay
to be confident, doesn't make you a part of the "cult", but to act the way this "cult" expects you to, that makes you a part of it.
Seeing your comment made me happy if I may say so. Confidence isn’t a bad thing. I’ve spent so many years terrorizing myself, my health and my confidence. I am proud to feel a reassurance within myself because I’ve worked my butt off for being where I am right now. Confidence comes in many forms but not inherently bad.
I was always described as "shy" or like "self conscious" or "low self esteem" child and teenager, and was blamed for having low self esteem, as if that was a personal failing of mine. I have figured all this stuff out ages ago, so it's very frustrating to JUST NOW see people starting to talk about it like adults. Why are people sooooo infuriatingly slow and fucking stupid! 🤬
@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus Count me in
You can have an amazing personality and lots of hobbies, talents etc but the only thing they’ll describe you as is that you’re “shy” 🙄
people pretend to have their shit together all the times, parents to kids, boss to employees, teachers to students, among peers. They just fucked up and try so bad to be exemplar when they aren't.
Soooo... you were introverted?
Not once after being called shy have I actually felt invited to contribute more.
I'm usually busy listening to conversations. Whenever I do try to talk I'm usually cut off by someone else who is trying to get a word in during the gaps.
If I talk over people I'm rude, if I cut people off I'm inconsiderate, if I talk abot me I'm concieted and if I ask people about themselves I'm nosy.
So why talk when I don't need to?
I’ve come to realize over the years that my confidence and mental health is directly correlated to the respect I receive in my school and workplace. Low level sexual harassment, patronization, and competition are rampant at my school, and I’ve noticed that while the males in my art classes are quick to compliment and idolize each other, they never offer the same treatment to their female peers, taking it as an insult when the female students do better. I never realized how much my anxiety and perfectionism were related to sexism until this year, and with the amount of guys I’ve come across who are like this (even the nice ones low key) it makes me dread working with cis males.
The fact that conventionally pretty women are ALWAYS the one’s telling others to be confident.
That and they're usually of high socio-economic status, are able bodied, etc. Essentially, the "confidence" rhetoric is mostly spread by those who are privileged in society, like you can obviously choose to take time to boost your confidence when you're in a position in which you don't have to worry about bills, discrimination, etc. Everyone else, however
Pretty rich women
and if they weren’t conventionally attractive, ppl would say that they should be "humbled" 💀💀
I mentioned feeling uncomfortable in gyms to a conventionally gorgeous blonde girl who replied with "Just don't give an eff about what people think!"
I (an average at best person) was only referring to the depressing atmosphere rather than anything about what people thought of me.
There was a guy at my uni that plagiarised my work. I told my tutor that this had happened and, in response, he told me that it was my fault because "I wasn't confident enough to stand up to him"
Oof. Nope, he did it to cheat, and the onus for that is not on you. Sorry to hear that happened.
wtf, how is that your responsibility or fault?? That's so messed up! It's the tutor who should take action in that situation.
You've gotta be kidding. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard OMG do they even hear themselves?????
Wow... I literally wrote a 9 page paper on "toxic positivity" and its portrayal on social media that was also heavily inspired by this EXACT scene from Euphoria. I was struggling so hard to find video discussions and in-depth articles about this topic for the whole semester, and just as it ends, I finally found this informative video. You hit the nail on the head with every point. I'm glad this is being talked about more because many vulnerable people fall victim to the same mental health mantras that, after a while, feel meaningless. For anyone looking to read more on this topic, I highly recommend reading psychotherapist Whitney Goodman's book titled "Toxic Positivity: Keeping it Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy".
The fact that they had the “bandwidth” to write it out on Twitter but not in a two-sentence email 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️