What are the Benefits of Separation | Dr. David Hawkins
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ส.ค. 2020
- In this video Dr. David Hawkins discusses the benefits of separation, and how space away from one another is often necessary to the healing process.
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About
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts about narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships. He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse.
Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship. In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, topics include covert, reactive, spiritual, secondary, relationship trauma and more.
#separation #relationship #divorce
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This is so true. It is done to regain sanity. To recover and protect her own mental health.
Instablaster.
I literally exhaled when you said the part about needing to just "settle" . (nerves, nervous system, cortisol).
I am in the process of separating from my husband. He has so much rage and unresolved issues, he has not been willing to deal with. I have tried for six years to love, and pray for him, but I need to leave and allow the Lord to heal me,and leave fixing my husband to the Lord. We are both fifty. We have no children together. So there are no complications regarding that. I have lupus and am unable to drive or work. Walking around on eggshells is no way to live. The stress has made me so sick, and causes Lupus flares to happen. I am not looking to reconcile, but I do ask you pray for us, that God will heal the both of us. It is my prayer that my husband will willingly seek the help he needs.
Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, the abuse takes its toll emotionally, physically and spiritually. Dr. Hawkins has spoken often of the physical consequences of emotional abuse, and has written a book on it. If you are seeking support for your own healing journey, please reach out: marriagerecoverycenter.com/contact-us/ We have counselors who understand the need for healing on so many levels.
Understand exactly as I've been through same. Health problems increased until we separated . With God's help, trying to reconcile now. Jimmy Evans is another amazing marriage counselor , in a balanced and also Christian way. I REALLY like this counselor as Well. I've just not heard him until; today, and I am sure this guy is very very good as well! Excited to hear more of his. Consider Jimmy Evans also on utube. Bless you and your marriage in Jesus name.
But what about attorneys telling us men not to move out - we lose, leverage and the inability to see kids when we want.
Interesting insight. Thank you for sharing
Hope you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
This is literally something I need right now. My wife left only three days ago and took the kids. We are separated, but I believe we are still together. I hope we can find our way back to each other. But I very clearly need time to fix myself too. Thank you for making these discussions a little easier to get with. Money is very tight. Might not be able to afford full counseling.
Thanks for sharing your story. Separation can be healing IF it is a guided therapeutic separation with goals and accountability. Here's an article you may find helpful: marriagerecoverycenter.com/separation-for-reflection-and-growth/ To learn how we might be of help, book a call with our Client Care Team: bit.ly/3I0dntB
highly recommend looking at the dbt manual by marsha linehan, not the same as a therapist but it’s all about learning how to control ur mind and change behavior patterns. because short term healing is rarely enough, harmful behaviors have usually been present in our lives for years, it takes a while to unlearn
2 years have passed, how it went?
@@wareskentucky followed her where she went because of the kiddos. Ended up reconciling. Life is getting better
Wow...this is actually on point. We have been separated for 8 months with rarely communicating, because he was so bitter & mad that I couldn't talk to him. I found out he filed for divorced last weekend and I am devastated. I keep crying and have knots in my stomach. He didn't even try to talk to me first or give us a chance.
We are so sorry and understand your pain. If you need help navigating this road, please reach out. Our Client Care Team is more than happy to discuss your needs and how we can help: marriagerecoverycenter.com/contact-us/
So sad dear, going tru separation too now, it's been 3month my wife separated! Have done all I can now I gave her the space. Not easy really.
You will be fine.
Thank you so much for your advice. This is what I'm looking at for my family. This is what my family would need. I hope my husband is receptive right now. We have a rest restraining order. We have both been very rotten to each other and There's been emotional end other abuse. I'm in counseling, I believe he really needs it. But he has not been willing to get it. I just hope that there will be
Restoration because our values are not irreconcilably different. It's just the mindset toward one another and the lack of trust
Yes, sanity first.
Thank you for your calm words. I need to seperate from my verbally abusive husband. He blames me for his anger. IHhave asked him to a therapist as I see one myself to help me through my life turmoil. I can't handle walking on egg shells any longer. He feels he is infalliable and a wonderful spouse as he turns around and speaks down to me. I am relieved when he leaves out of town.
It sounds like he could benefit from working through his anger issues. Here is an article you might find helpful: marriagerecoverycenter.com/separation-for-reflection-and-growth/ Feel free to reach out if you would like help for a guided therapeutic separation: marriagerecoverycenter.com/contact-us/
I don’t need space I need him to change. You’re right it’s an act of desperation.
Wdym by change?
This is so powerful, please pray for me, I had to leave my husband 2 days ago* I am trying to heal and think clearly, I am not really sure if we will be back together but apart of me hopes there could be reconciliation
We're glad you found it helpful. We have more articles on our blog on the topic of therapeutic separation, here is one you may find helpful: marriagerecoverycenter.com/separation-for-reflection-and-growth/
For more related content, subscribe to our TH-cam channel, or sign up for our mailing list for helpful articles and marriage saving tips delivered directly to your Inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
I told mine today I need space. God will help guide those who ask🙏🙏
I decided to call quits on mothers day... i had hoped this separation would be a turning point in our lives. To get our act together. To learn and grow. Its been the most difficult and painful experience. especially with kids. Unfortunately he wont admit to pushing me away. and rather falsely accuse me of having someone else.😢
Hi my wife decided that I am not good enough for her and requested to separate and then divorse. This brought me piece of mind finally, I feel releaved, and there's no way we'll ever get together. She found a boyfriend (actually even before we separated), and I am even feeling for him, but I am happy that she is his problem now, not mine :)
There are ways to talk about this without assuming the gender of the spouse asking for separation. My wife will hear herself in every she and me in every he. Yet I'm the one asking for separation with a wife who has withheld intimacy for 30 years while refusing to get therapy, as I have and am, and couples counseling.
This is so hard to hear. My wife broke up with me yesterday. She didn’t kick me out. But she said she doesn’t want to be with me. She said eventually one of us will have to leave. I’m still processing the idea of separation. But the thought of not seeing my kids everyday it’s destroying me. The thought of not seeing my wife everyday is inconceivable. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t seen her face in the past 10 years. I’m afraid a separation will only drive her away permanently. She’s said recently the long hours I’ve been working recently made her realize she doesn’t want this anymore. So what will even more time do? I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like time away won’t make me better either. I’ll only feel resentment and heartbreak. What do I do?
If a separation is simply used as a time-out and no work is done to reflect and work on yourself, you will likely fall victim to the statistic that most separations lead to divorce. However, if you agree to a therapeutic separation under professional guidance with the goal of reconciling, much can be done. Here is a video that talks about what that path can look like: th-cam.com/video/UDHSH5zxzhI/w-d-xo.html
@@drdavidbhawkins me personally seeing a professional? Or us as a couple. I highly doubt at this moment she would even consider it.
How did things work out for you? I’m going through something similar right now 😔
At least she's telling you and not just getting what she wants behind your back. It hurts way more just found out a little bit of what my wife of 15 years together 4 25years feel shattered
What if the two of you live in the same house? My husband and I are separated but I can’t afford to leave and he refuses to leave. We sleep in separate bedrooms.
Absolutely love your videos!!!! What do I do if I ask for a separation, he gives me one but set his terms on it just being a month which was not even close to being enough, he comes back home and refuses to leave and I cant afford to leave at this point?
Please reach out to office at (206) 219-0145 or frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com and ask about our Separation Agreement resource. Separations are only effective if there are agreed upon goals, a plan and milestones that mark progress towards those goals. Even more effective if you can involve an experienced counselor to guide you through this process. In-home separations are also an option for those who cannot physically leave.
ClassyTee Separation could be very dangerous if done wrong you should seek prayer with God first and then seek out your pastor to facilitate a biblical separation.
@@gerardconsidinejr.2802 I well aware of biblical separation as well as divorce, I read the Bible daily and am aware of what God appoves and doesn't approve of. Actually I have a scriptural right for divorce. But thanks for your input
I'm
He flipped this morning over me turning on the heater in our condo for too long. Lovingly held my hand a few minutes prior and then called me inconsiderate, stupid "after 16 years of living in MY place don't you know how this heater works???" "I do, I was just really cold. I should not have put up the temperature to run this long, agreed on that. BUT he could have just said "I'm too warm, I'll go and turn it down a bit, is that OK?" right?.... I have a place I can go over Christmas, I think I should go there....
That’s sucks- I’m sorry you have to live with someone like that.
@@Adventure_Always thanks, working on it still.
@@sylgem I know it’s not easy- hang in there
Hmmm Dr please I really need your help. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years with 4 kids and all that I’ve been experiencing is emotional and mental abuse. Anytime I decide to go out from this marriage then fear holds me back. Now I want separation but I don’t know how to go about it. I still feel nervous. Please help me
Every separation I have heard of has ended in divorce. The are so many variables that have to be perfectly navigated to make a separation work. Most of us imperfect humans, will not navigate all those variables perfectly. Also, I think there is a difference in a 2 week separation to clear ones head and regain control of mental health, compared to a 6 month separation that rarely results in the marriage surviving.
If you are going to put ideas into mentally struggling people's heads, I would ask that you explain the differences in length of separation. Leaving it open ended with, "However much time they need" is irresponsible in my opinion.
The other factor is that splitting up the household, is traumatic for the children. Sure, living in a house with parents that are not in a good relationship can have negative effects, but bouncing children between two different locations is much worse.
My final frustration with your idea of separation is, once that precedent is set that it's ok to separate when people are unhappy, it becomes easier and easier to separate for longer periods of time if not permanently. There are so many flaws with this plan of yours and I am saddened how many people, my wife included, is subscribing to your ideas that will ultimately be disappointed by the results. Be well. God bless you.
Thanks for your feedback. The separation we speak of is one that is guided by professionals, with goals for reconciliation and steps for reaching that goal. The separations that lead to divorce are ones that are simply used as a time-out and were headed for divorce already. The time apart needs to be used to bring the couple together. Unfortunately, most separations are not done in this context, which speaks to why they often lead to divorce.
My parents went through two (therapeutic) separations when I was a teen and young adult, one for six months and one for nine months. It was so needed and each time it catapulted my father into addressing his trauma in ways that allowed him to be truer to the good and loving man that he is. They will celebrate 57 years of marriage in September.
So, now you’ve heard of one.
To begin with, women or men should not bring their childhood issues of physical, emotional and psychological abuse or abandonment issues into their marriages. How about people learn to control their egos. That would be a great start. What about the affect on children?
All of those things must be carefully considered before coming to a decision. The goal of a therapeutic separation is to explore every opportunity for healing and restoration of the marriage.
I can tell you 100% that not all people know that they are bringing these issues with them into a relationship. Some people took emotional scars so deep inside that when it starts to come out they don’t even know what they are doing. I can tell you 100% that this was my experience. Had a shitty childhood, developed abandonment issues, developed distrust for women and took it out on my wife, my best friend, the love of my life. Never knew what I was doing, not sure what your experiences but unless you’ve gone through the shit you’ll understand.
@@fernandocabanillas8133 The only reason I posted this is because I have been through this but as unaware until I started working with my marriage coach who is trying to help me reconcile my marriage. He is the one who enlightened me about childhood issues of physical, emotional and mental abuse as well as abandonment issues and how the issues can and will creep into your marriage. I myself had a very abuse father and my wife had a very abusive mother. So you comment helped me and gives me hope. The idea that you have the presence of mind to realize that you took everything out on your ex helps me to realize that somewhere in her conscious or subconscious mind, she knows that the way she is treating me is not right. Maybe she will consider reconciliation one day. I can't thank you enough for the comment. She really has put on a real shit show and has left a path of carnage and destruction.
@@fernandocabanillas8133 Exactly right. Much is so embedded from childhood I didn’t even realize I was marrying a replica of my physically/emotionally abusive parents who continue to be emotionally abusive.
@@anthonytorres4725 It’s been over a year brother and I wish and hope that you are living a better life and everything has worked out for you.
So my wife is talking about having me move out. She would continue on at our house with our 3 young children. This is my fault. I have identified and been working on myself. Making great progress too. But she still holds a lot of resentment towards me for how I made her feel many times. She says she hopes separation will help her forgive and miss me then reconciliation can happen. I’m scared that despite all the positive changes and taking ownership of what I’ve done, separation is just less time in my childrens life that I’ll live them and closer to divorce
That's great to hear you are working on yourself and making progress. She will need to take intentional steps towards healing, it doesn't necessarily just happen with time. Here's a video series on The Path To Reconciliation that you may find helpful. th-cam.com/video/4cxpyYMVC-w/w-d-xo.html
If you'd like to talk to someone about how we can help navigate the separation process and help you move towards reconciliation, please reach out to us at: marriagerecoverycenter.com/contact-us/
Hello… I’m about to move out. I’m curious as to how you are doing now?
Sleep, lack of constant invalidation, lack of constant gaslighting, finally feeling good and happy. Separation is awesome. I love eating food that makes me feel good, doing things I like, sleeping, oh I love not being forced into exhaustion. I also love changing my clothes without my kids walking in on me.blooming my animals was awful, but sleeping a full night and not being invalidated is so incredible and wonderful. I much rather sleep then be with that over sized toddler who has to control everything.
What if your wife is in another relationship before and after the seperation? I have the our 4 kids Monday thru Friday. I give her space yet I feel she is putting her other relationship above our family including some manipulation. Is this just my negative thoughts?
A separation is not only to give space. If that time is not used to get counseling and clarity about your goals for the relationship and your own healing, the time apart will not do any good, and even drive people further apart. Only when both people work on themselves and the relationship will a separation actually be helpful.
What about empathizing with the men in this situation who have given up their entire lives and their sense of self for the family? And the only reason there was a conflict was because of lack of accountability and responsibility on a woman's part? When you asked and asked and asked for years to be a contributor to the household, they finally did and moved out 2 months after they got a job after 12 years of nothing.?
With fifty percent divorce rates the best thing I've seen more and more with young people is avoiding marriage completely and abstain from unprotected sex with women to avoid unwanted pregnancy and long term financial pain. Today's women have changed the landscape and men are re-thinking old traditions. They just aren't worth it. Focus on your career and enjoy your freedom.
Thanks for your comment. You're right, the divorce rate is climbing yet there are couples out there who want to exhaust all the avenues to try to save their relationship.
@@drdavidbhawkinsI think it has a lot to do with previous generations instilled traditions and of course the church. After WW2 GI's were returning home with a positive sprit through the 1950's of procreating the 2.5 kids, white picket fences, etc. That was a positive growth period. Today is a new ball game.
What about when men request a separation?
Any way to increase volume on your end?
Sorry to hear the audio was not loud enough, we have not had any issues since but thank you for letting us know.
How do I contact you ? I need your help and insight how to do this.
We can be reached at (206) 219-0145 or frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com. We have many qualified professionals who can guide you through a therapeutic separation.
Why do men always seem to be asked to carry the total burden for causing all of the problems in relationships? Furthermore, it seems as though reconciliation is passively and, at times, explicitly discouraged. I understand situations of extreme abuse and chronic addiction. In that case, of course. But many times, these are issues that are not intractable. As a man, I understand firsthand just how much bias there can be. Many men feel like it does not matter what they say or do after their first session. This is not just me. There are many men who state they have experienced the same thing.
But how does this relate to the woman finding another man during the separation? Cause honestly that just sounds like supporting someone who is cheating
There is no mention of any of your speculation. That would be committing adultery which no one is promoting.
What if the woman is abusing the man, and she has narcissistic personality disorder?
We have in fact worked with women who have narcissistic traits - not many of the clients we work with, whether it be man or woman, are diagnosed with NPD, but are somewhere on the spectrum. The same treatment methods and principles apply to men and women.
what do you do when you try for 2 years to talk to him ab the issues but all you get is more abuse?
It's time for an intervention: th-cam.com/video/bBC26SrgAB0/w-d-xo.html
What if i the man wants to separate.
I separated bcause there was no way he listened to me, he abused me, he became worse amd wouldn't stop calling me a whore! nothing, and I mean nothing registered to him so I couldn't have told him prior to leaving, or make a plan together ab finances and what happens in the mean time.
amd the separation made thigs worse. he blamed me for leaving, cheated in that time too, said he can't trust me...
Glad you got yourself out from under the abuse. Hope you are getting the help and support you need to heal and recover. Please reach out if you would like more info on how we can help. marriagerecoverycenter.com/contact-us/
I hope you have the skills to detect covert narcissism with the lies manipulation. Covert narcissists are VERY good at lying.
I realize this is a 2 year old video but I’m hoping for a response.
I am in this boat. My wife of 8.5 years has communicated that she needs space. We tried it with me living under the same roof but I was looking for reasons and crossed boundaries (going through her phone log, tracking her… thinking she was cheating. Never found anything.) these behaviors made her more upset and she has requested that I move out to give her true space. To keep the peace I’m agreeing to it but I have to do it legally. I don’t want to be charged with abandonment. We are going to a mediator and starting the process. I will move out at the end of the month.
Part of what this gentleman said is actually confusing me. I don’t want to “put financial pressure” on her for the sake of squeezing her to come back. But I also cannot afford to move out and pay for all the expenses that I have been for 10+ years.
What do you advise me to do??? I want to give her the time and space to heal and to work through the resentment but I also don’t want the financial burden. People in my corner don’t get it and want me to walk away from the relationship and not go back. My wife has repeatedly said she DOES NOT want a divorce, yet. She wants to work through this all and give it a chance in her head first.
Do I move out to a relative’s home and not pay rent, continue to help financially with the home to not put pressure on anyone of us? Or do I move out legally, separate finances and allow the process to take care of its self. I personally do not want another partner. I realize how i let the relationship sour. I realize my role and am actively working in improving myself. But I truly don’t know what to do.
I need some guidance please.
Thanks for your inquiry. We have specialists who have helped many, many couples through a therapeutic separation. The key is to use this time to mend and restore, if simply used as a time out, it will not necessarily result in reconciliation. Please reach out for info on working with one of our specialists who can guide you through the process. (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
Hi jaraf, how is your situation at this time? Recently separated, myself.
@@rds8171 Sorry to hear that. It is rough. My situation was that she was cheating on me with someone I knew. We are now finalizing the divorce. I am doing VERY well. Found a small apartment, which in hindsight is perfect for me right now. I see my kids Tuesdays and Thursdays, and every other weekend. I am in a much better mental space. I went to get therapy and it helped tremendously. I am willing to email with you if you would like. One this is for sure... everyone said it, this too shall pass! Trust me. You will be well again.
If you truly love someone, you will let them go.
(Because if there is true love between both of them, she will come back!)
Agreed, true love involves freewill and choice, thanks for your feedback!
Why is it one sided as if man has to listen, give space, time and need to support. Why you think it can't be the other way around.
My ex husband wanted a separation. His idea was to live in the basement and have an affair. I had 2 young kids 2 and 6. I decided to divorce him.
This guy has no idea what narcissist abuse is like.
This is a bunch of new age bs! Back in the days people didn’t separate when things got tough, they stuck around together and worked things out especially even more with kids involved. This is just some new age empowerment for women bs and therapists as well as counselors taking peoples money.
They aren't talking about normal marriage difficulties. This whole channel is related to abusive marriages, particularly emotional/verbal abuse with controlling and manipulative narcissistic tendencies.
You need to talk to more men , you are very women biased