i think she writes some more blog posts about some of these kinds of stories on her blog! at least i think i've read a story here and there on her blog, which is usually in the video bio. but yes i would read it too!
But to be fair I had some ex girlfriends who were goth so I kind of by association went to goth places and enjoyed a lot of goth music so perhaps that's why I feel the nostalgia despite not really considering myself goth
@@ofherbsandaltars im a perfectionist, but definitely not high achieving. i'm autistic and my perfectionism would go so far that in school if i wasnt happy with a project and how it turned out , i would just trash the project and not turn in anyhting, even if i'd spent hours trying to get it perfect.... if i would still feel like it wasnt, then...ttrash. definitely doesnt make for a high-acheiving type of person lol. my perfectionism is counter-intutive.
This is grey because it shows EDs in a realistic way too. Even with 2020 being so much more woke about mental health I still find many people just don't understand eating disorders at all and are rather patronizing about it. Or they assume any type of disordered eating is an eating disorder so they say stuff like "I had a phase like that but I started reading on nutrition and fitness and now I'm healthy!" It's not the same thing
people who’ve had ed’s have every right to laugh at how ridiculous it is because it is! abusing laxatives and shitting yourself, growing fur etc... it’s better laughed at than glamourised
lets be clear here though "Laughing at" is not the same as "laughing with", laughing at people with problems that are very difficult for themselves to change particularly any kind of addiction which is usually paired with a mental disorder such as depression for example is not a way to help those individuals, it will probably just worsen their condition.
"she was worried about being the fattest one there" that brought me to tears, poor thing, my heart goes out so much to anyone suffering from EDs and these stories have to be told, and you are an excellent storyteller
I remember always worrying about being the fattest person. I just turned 30 last month and for many years I've lived happily in my body. I love that I'm tall and strong and curvy. When it's hot in summer, I wear shorts and a tank top. In my sex life, I've become an exhibitionist, and if someone says they like how I look I believe them. But for a good decade from my early teens to twenties, I would be filled with self-loathing if I was the fattest person in the room. I would get anxious if anyone walked behind me on the stairs because I felt like they were judging me for walking so slow because I was an out-of-shape blob. I would suffer through summers in jeans and other long pants. I couldn't enjoy dating because I was so worried about how fat and ugly I must look. I can't pinpoint exactly how or when the shift happened. I tried going to therapy but my therapist was, uh, not the most empathic person in the world. I tried so many things to break out of those negative thought patterns and my episodes of binge eating. Maybe it was just persistence in the end. Telling myself a message of body positivity until I finally believed it.
Yup. It hasn't changed at all. There's always new ed chats, new dramas around the members... And honestly that groups were so funny. Honestly if you were lucky you could even have friends there.
@MB black birdie is trying to say it seems to be getting worse. More morbid and joking about dying from this. Why did you get so defensive lol it wasn't an attack against you 😅
Hah you dont live in Melbourne do yah? I remember 2005 living in melbourne for a little bit seeing loads of emos at the melbourne train station every time i was in the city. Back then i had no idea emos were actually sad. I just thought it was a music genre and style.
I did the same thing 10 years ago in western germany. Kind of stunning that these sorts of weird meetings happened in all sorts of different places all over the world. It's not like we were thinking much about it. We just met people at the train station who were in the same sub culture and we wanted to "hang out" and feel "understood".
omg! i relate so heavily. I consumed so much ed/ana content, was obsessed with my weight, etc. but i never had the weight loss so I felt really disingenuous even trying to get help for it.
@@nancy-jx4nw oh same holy crap! i would scroll edtwt obsessively and check the scale every night and count my calories daily and take my measurements but the most i ever lost were 2 pounds lmaooo. honestly still struggling with the mindset but yknow... time heals ig
yeah same, i was like 10-12 and i was HOOKED UP on pro ana blogs and later MPA (at that point I already had an actual ED but it's still hard to admit bc I'm not thin lol) i don't frequent any of those spaces anymore but my mind's permafucked by the ana mindset
I had a bulimia friend in the early 2000’s who sadly never recovered and she passed away from rupturing her stomach. That incident is what helped me to get to where I am today. Her mum still checks in on me every now and then to see how I’m doing. It’s so sad.
@@ChevereJones even if you don’t hear about it often doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Please don’t push your luck, you can get better and recover. Live is worth living, please choose life.
I'm currently struggling and in that middle phase of Bulimia. Not too nad but not too good either.. How do i .. stop and.. heal? I want help but i'm scared to get help. I am a young teen and i'm not sure what.. to do. I cannot tell my friends or family AT ALL.
@@maynardsasshole3047 I’m no professional but what has worked for me is to identify the roots of the issue. Is it low self esteem? Family issues? Body issues? Trauma? Then you can work on fixing that. Since you aren’t too deep in the ED you can work on resisting eating and purging by keeping yourself occupied when you do get the need to binge. Maybe pick a new hobbie so it can keep you interested. Eat at appropriate times so you don’t get too hungry and binge. Set up a schedule and try to stick with it. After you eat, try not to look at yourself in the mirror so you aren’t triggered by the image. Distance yourself from triggering foods and videos. I really hope you can fight this, good luck. ❤️
Some of the funniest moments I've had were out in the smoking shelter of a psychiatric hospital. Our darkest thoughts and incidents laid bare and the comradery from other inpatients was really healing. I hope everyone I was there with has recovered, I don't keep in touch with any of them but I really am so grateful for all that time we spent together
Sometimes i feel people who never dealed with something like that, expect you to be very sensitive about the subject or very serious when someone brings it up. The thing is, i dont want to cry about what happen to the end of my life. In all that mess i was in there were these weir "funny" memories, its hard to explain to someone who never experience something like this.
I'm a recovering heroin addict, and I totally agree with the concept of being able to joke about your struggles. I don't think I would be able to stay clean without my humour.
@K. Varner Well done for being in recovery and maintaining your sense of humour, it really is the beating heart of survival. I lost my cousin to H, 15 yrs ago and even though it's her anniversary - I saw your comment and felt happier that someone out there survived their addiction, I don't know you - but I'm proud of you.
@@Alexandra_Hill Thank you so much. This comment really touched my heart. I can't tell you how many people around me have died trying to fight this. As someone who really has no self-esteem, it can be hard to take compliments from people, but something about yours really made me feel good. I'm coming up on 8 years and when I hit it, I'll dedicate my day to your cousin. : )
I'm a stage III breast cancer survivor. I cannot tell you how many people I've offended by my survival jokes. People who have never been sick in their lives. Laughter is MEDICINE. It heals. It's necessary to live and find any joy in your day to day drudgery. I'm sorry my chemo jokes offended you, but I'm the one who has to live with this disease and laughter is what gives me the strength to do just that.
Ugh I feel this. Any slight joke about my eating disorder makes people almost mad at me and it’s like,, would you rather I say something depressing? Laughter is growth, laughter is strength , and it’s okay to find joy from devastation
laughter is medicine, 100%. Especially when YOU'RE the one who's had to go through the horrors of chemo and everything else that comes with cancer, the very least you should get out of it is a free pass to joke about it! I've used humour to joke about and cope with my childhood abuse, suicidal urges, addiction etc. I get that some folks don't know what to say, and feel uncomfortable around it, but just outright chastising people for coping with their trauma through humour is bizarre.
1000% dude, any time i joke about my illness people just stand there awkwardly and it’s so uncomfortable like come on. smile man, i wont get upset. i only have one friend who gets it and makes sick jokes with me lmfao
Absolutely! Soldiers will joke in trenches. Sardonicism remains one of the best coping mechanisms out there. Hopefully the art won't die out with all the tutting moralists these days. Monty Python said it best in 'Always Look on the Bright side of Life": If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing (...)
I can’t say I understand what you’re going through, but I am more than happy to support you! If you need someone to talk through and make it through I’m here for you!
Don’t slip back. Recognize your habits, and try to figure out what is bringing them back up. Be strong. Being healthy and vital (especially in these times) is so important. When I find myself slipping, I try and remind myself of all the ugly aspects I don’t want to get overwhelmed with again. Good luck friend, be kind to yourself.
Realising and acknowledging what is happening is the first step and a sign of strength :)))) not sure if you need to hear this, but stay strong. You’ve already proven to yourself you can fight it
@@ktbg05 yeah, she was really, really bad there for a time and she did project quite a bit of that on me. Thankfully, Ive been able to realize its presence and build a reasonably healthy relationship with food and my body. :)
I was thinking this. I think this story was around 2004 and I know things were different back then but surely saving someone's life has always been a thing?
I might be assuming here but either one of them were under 16 which is a huge fine or since the girl that was extremely intoxicated could've gotten the pub owner in trouble as well with another huge fine because they're supposed to judge when someone is already very intoxicated and not serve them even more drinks. They could have been hit with several fines that probably would have been hard for them to pay, or they just didn't want to deal with the chance of losing their business. Unfortunately there's a lot of people with nothing to lose (a business, etc) that instead of just calling an ambulance they just leave and the person ends up dying of an overdose which is pathetic. Where I live you can call an ambulance for an overdose and you're legally protected (police can't question you, search you or your car, etc.) And that's put in place so people feel safe to call. I've heard people tell me "I didn't call because I had a warrant" when police never would have even asked their name. It happens a lot here, still, because people don't even know that law exists or they just don't care. It's sad but usually those people get their karma and end up dying alone just like they allowed multiple others to. Personally, I always carry two narcan with me because sometimes one isn't enough esp with fentanyl. I saved my deceased fiancees life 5 times, and in the end he ended up passing away alone of a heart attack from Seroquel last year November and it hurts like hell. I couldn't even go to his funeral for many reasons but mainly because the mother that abused him all his life up until 17 was there and the father who did nothing about it was there as well and I knew he didn't want them there, he wanted nothing to do with them at all. I don't usually enjoy other people's misery but I hope his parents never have a single day of peace.
I was 22 in 2004. The 80’s, 90,s and early to mid 2000’s was a time of “sucking it up”. We didn’t discuss things like depression, eating disorders or mental illness. We were just expected to be good and obedient children, anything less than a B at school was unacceptable, and being depressed just was just looked at as being sad. We were expected to push through anything and to just “get over it”. It made us strong, but at the same time a lot of underlying issues were looked over. Those issues are what we are now dealing with as adults in our late 30’s.
“The people who get offended about those jokes have never dealt with it” I know that’s not exactly what you said but that is SPOT ON. You are allowed to joke about things you’ve dealt with. Some people it’s a coping mechanism.
Best thing I've ever heard about Gallows Humour is, only people who have been on the gallows get to make joke about it, and if you haven't been there, you dont get to judge how we cope with it.
yeah i joke about my ed + su!c!dal tendencies and people who don’t deal with it tell me that i need to stop joking about things like that but that’s just how i cope-
@@jhopemoons13 it's the same with me, humor is just my coping mechanism. I'm careful with those jokes though, because a lot of the time my friends just get really uncomfortable and don't know how to react
Yeah but theres rly nothing wrong with being offended by them. Theyre honestly just fucking annoying and create an awkward atmosphere that literally no one asked for. If you "use humor to cope uwu" do it on myproana or r/edanonymous lol This is not coming from an outsider, just to not sound intrusive
i’m sorry about the girl that died, i remember the first death i experienced of a friend in an online ED community and it was a really unusual and difficult thing to deal with and i never even met her!
hey we have the same character as our profile picture! just wanted to say hello, it hurts knowing people die from this, im currently suffering from an ed, its not that bad so far though i am trying to stop but its so addictive
And you can’t tell people about their death bc it’s not like they were in your life enough for people to know them or approve of your connection to them
now that y2k fashion is making a comeback, TikTok has become a breeding ground for body dysmorphia-- i always come across at least two kinds of videos: - skinny girls showing off how skinny they are - girls talking abt how they've basically eaten nothing for the entire day to stay skinny or to be skinnier
Which makes me sad that 8+ kids are on that app. It’s honestly caused me so much insecurities, side profile, nose, etc. I’ve already been rlly insecure so it didn’t exactly cause them but it worsened them.
I'm glad that I'm not the only one who's noticing how bad it is that y2k aesthetics are coming back because the entirety of the y2k style is literally built upon being as skinny as humanly possible.
this!! i'm on tiktok quite a bit and it's packed full of (mainly girls) talking about their struggles with their body and weight, as well as people striving for the looks that were popular in the earlier 2000s. seeing it makes me so sad because you can tell how many of them are in a way body checking. as well as the comments being filled with other girls saying how they wish they looked the same and wished they were smaller. it genuinely feels as if tiktok is turning into exactly what tumblr used to be in that sense.
I’m 55. This disease almost got the best of me in the 80s. You had nobody to talk to because it was so taboo. I was perfect in every way or so I thought. Now, I have an abnormal heart rhythm & must monitor my magnesium to potassium ratios. I also had to have a few crowns on my back teeth due to erosion. My throat cannot handle any hot sauce either. I sip on marshmallow root and green tea daily. Unsolicited advice.....Load up on calcium with vitamin D3 NOW to avoid osteopenia which becomes osteoporosis. Then you shrink in height, your teeth chip easily (I wear a mouth guard) & you break a hip just from stepping off a curb “the wrong way”. This is a humorous way of shedding a light on what you’ll go through if you don’t get help.
thank you for providing this insight . as a teenager i never really think about what im doing to my body in the future - and honestly no one really talks about it . thank you for sharing this
Do not drink raw milk, it is not safe. The potential pathogenic bacteria from raw milk, including tuberculosis, diphtheria, typhoid, Campylobacter, Listeria, Brucella, E. coli, Salmonella, and streptococcal infections, make it potentially unsafe to consume. It's not superior to pasteurized milk in any way. Also, milk won't heal your bones and teeth. The way it works is, rather, that any food with calcium is important to keep your bones and teeth from becoming (more) unhealthy due to calcium deficiency.
They did,I worked in their warehouse.it was disgusting rats everywhere one time a mouse got its hand caught in the shelving,miscarried its babies on top of a crate of mountain dew and they just wiped the top of the cans with a black dirty tag which was stiff from rat urine and had rat shit stuck to it. They also sold out of date food in the mystery boxes.😱
Sorry I meant rag not tag! They also had sticky traps with mice stuck to them and just left there. The rats would tear into the boxes and eat the chocolate and piss in there and they would just wipe it and pack it for customers.
Usually your humour just makes me feel ...not quite so abnormal. Like “this, too, can be survived”. I love you for it. The last bit made me cry, tho. Idek why. But really glad you’re here and telling your stories🖤
It's crazy what can be survived, from my age, and looking back at the last year, the last 5 years, the last 20, I seem to be so good at falling down potholes in life, but usually stumbling on through eventually - the highs of life are always worth the lows :) Good luck to ya, wherever you're at with this!
This has been an education for me, I was in the 90s scene, and I feel like my generation may be quite a bit responsible for what happened later. While you’re young, it seems like you’ll live forever, and all of it is ‘just get through today’. Then, if you make it to the other side of 20, you have to deal with the weird mix of nostalgia and consequences, and eventually feelings of guilt. Love to the survivors, and love to those who are still struggling. Much love to those who aren’t here anymore.
agreed. suffering n recovering from anorexia (and only recently being discharged) its not been the easiest hearing about how "abnormal" people around see you as.
My attention span is trash. I didn't realize I was watching a 31-minute video until you said it was taking too long. You're a great storyteller; I was absorbed.
My best friend when I was younger’s mom used to say shit like that all of the time. We both developed eating disorders. Last year I was sent away to a rehab type thing for 6 months and gained back 20 lbs but I will see her, stick thin, jogging out neighborhood in freezing weather. Relapse it is for me!
anyone else “recovered” but oddly nostalgic about the proana community? like as awful as it was it was also a huge part of my childhood for better or for worst
It’s so strange hearing you talk about those days, because I hear myself telling stories to my boyfriend about my time as an active addict. Your excited tone and gesturing, the laughing and giggling, the nostalgia, the energy... it’s a strange thing, because regardless of the harm you were doing to yourself, the pain you were feeling, it was “the good old days” for you, like my time as an active user was the good old days for me. Looking back is so different than living it. I think about the parties and the sex and the drugs and waking up in strange places, etc. and it’s like seeing it through rose tinted glasses. At the time, I was mostly miserable, but there was also a freedom there. It was indulgent, it was innocent almost. I felt special and wild. Because I didn’t yet know how bad it would get. I felt invincible. It’s the essence of youth. Doing stupid things and living to tell. That feeling is gone now, and I try not to talk about it too much, try not to glamorize it. Every couple months almost like clockwork I’ll hear that someone I knew back then has died of an overdose and it takes the rose hue right off. But I know that feeling of going down memory lane and remembering all the ugliness and... missing it? That’s tucked up. It is what it is.
I know how you feel. I was anorexic (or am) and I was addicted to alcohol. My life was a mess back then, I always felt so lonely and I was crying myself to sleep, if I wasn’t hungover. I didn’t do anything else, just drinking, eating nothing, going outside with one or two friends in the night. Thinking about it makes me wanna go back, even though I know it was a hard time. I don’t even know why, I just want to. But I wouldn’t start drinking again, that’s for sure. I stopped when I woke up at the hospital.
Wow. Reading this comment almost seemed like I was reading a diary entry. Thank you so much for being so raw, authentic, and vulnerable. Beautifully articulated!
100% agree. My husband has many autoimmune diseases and is overall very sick. He’ll never be better. We have broken down into laughter about jokes on death and etc. Doctors get offended by us but you know.. when you know the news and outcome is bad.. the only way to make it through sometimes is to laugh about it or find the ‘good’ bad news amongst the bad news. If we didn’t we’d just be miserable always.
@@vampobsessed Exactly. You've got to keep a sense of humor to prevent being swallowed up by the darkness. I'm so sorry about your husband. My dad taught me to always find the humor in things. We're super close and he or I will share scary, painful stuff with the other and we'll be supportive and kind but we also always end up doubled over in laughter by the end of the conversation because we'll inevitably start making fun of how crazy the situation is and can't help but crack up.
@@vampobsessed , my mom has an incurable and untreatable degenerative neuromuscular condition with an autoimmune component, and she's the person who taught me to keep a positive outlook and find the humor in everything. I remember a story she told me back from when she was still working. She's a fulltime electric wheelchair user now, but back then she would walk with a cane. One day she was in the elevator at her work with only one other person, some man she didn't know, when she lost her balance. She put out her hands and caught herself on the decorative marbled wallpaper on the elevator's back wall. As the man stared at her, she stroked the wallpaper with her hand and said, "Oooh, I just love this marble."
So.... like fight club, but you’re beating your own body up? edit: to all of you who have replied to make the same exact joke, STOP SPOILING THE MOVIE!!!
The story about the girl that spent nights walking in her room as a child literally made me cry. She never had a childhood that she deserved and the illnesses that took it away from her also took her life.
@@marichu899 i don’t think she was purposely showing her four year old son a video like this. he probably just happened to see what his mom was listening to.
@@zorgnaxstash Sometimes people are like "O my god she looks so good for 30 - something!" and honestly idk what to say, she/he isnt ancientxd its not that you past 30 and magicaly transform to granma, most people i know look almost the same like they were in twenties.
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Skinny feels like cold and dizzy and dissociation if I remember right. I do miss it though. I had achieved invisibility. Is your metabolism totally fu(kd now?( I ate Dexatrim like it was Pez.) Mine is. I have never been able to make myself vomit. I never purged.
Yep, and as horrible as it felt, being cold, dizzy, tired, and hungry would give me a sense of pride and happiness. Because I knew I felt that way because I was starved, and it would make me think I was “successful”. :(
How do I get Dexatrim in the current year? I remember wanting to take it when I was a kid, but it was banned when I was old enough to get it. Right now I take Bronkaid, but it doesn't work that well.
I never purged with. I remember telling someone I knew how to lose 8 pounds in 8 days with dexatrim and grapefruit juice. I remember the look of horror too.
I'm 49. 49!!!...and still dealing with this nightmare. I've gotten professional help, several times, but it's a beast. Keep trying, keep hanging on Friends...I truly believe recovery is possible and it's worth it.
Try to remind yourself that EDs are disorders of habit. You’re addicted to specific actions and thought patterns. You have to retrain your brain through positive affirmations that will interrupt and drown out your negative thoughts. Stop pinching your skin and staring at the mirror. Cry through the pain and say your affirmations. You may want to look into the carnivore diet if it is a nutritional problem but also if you’re used to restriction, this might help you slowly start introducing some foods. Don’t give up. I believe in you.
honestly i’ve never heard anyone speak so outwardly about anorexia and i feel like these kind of conversations should be normalized. it does seem parallel to many addictions
I’ve spent over 20 grand on new teeth due to purging as a teen. There’s so much that people don’t talk about, I’m glad to see there’s other people that are willing to speak up about it.
I'm going thru the same thing now. It's a nightmare. The pain, the cost, the stress, having to explain why im barely in my mid 20s and have horrible enamel issues.
Girl same. 😓It is so difficult to lose teeth at a relatively young age. I'm in my mid 20s too and it's so embarrassing having to go to the dentist and they're all like wtf happened. I am about to have to get my fourth tooth removed. Have shed many tears (and a ton of money) over my on going dental issues. 😓
I’m so sorry. I only purged on and off for a few years because I get nauseous easily but have a hard time Actually throwing up. Sometimes I feel like that was what saved me from getting too involved in the whole cycle for too long. It can be absolutely all consuming. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t even remember the last time I purged. I wish you all the best, truly..
I remember being told years ago, that there was a theory that the addiction of an ED and the addiction of Substance abuse (drugs, narcos, booze) are flip sides of the same coin.
Your story got me thinking. I had a boyfriend who's parents owned a Sizzler (an all you can eat place) in California and he told me when he worked there he would have to serve these skeleton girls who would just sit there for hours, eat huge plates and go to the bathroom every half hour and leave puke everywhere for them to clean up.
I remember Tumblr was a wild place for ED when I was 12/13 and there was a website that literally listed off advice for purging, I’d honestly say it played a leading role in my spicy relationship with eating. Knowing I had that constant 24hr encouragement not to eat and lose weight made me so much more committed and ‘addicted’ to losing weight.
I remember the "Skinny Commandments" and the extremes we took to justify EDs to each other. Looking back it feels absolutely mental. Thank you for sharing.
As someone that is in recovery from both anorexia and heroin addiction I agree that often the people getting offended by jokes about ‘sensitive topics’ have no personal experience with them. People often use humor to cope, it isn’t abnormal. I find it more offensive to tell someone that they aren’t allowed to talk about their own experience candidly.
Agh, I’m almost in the exact same situation. Except I relapsed on the opiates this past week and it feels impossible to imagine my life without them. It’s kinda devastating.
@@gelitrippingkiddo5907 That’s really hard, I’m sorry that is your situation right now. I relapsed several times before I got clean and even one time after I was clean for like two years I relapsed so I know how difficult it can be. You probably don’t need advice from a stranger but get help/detox sooner rather than later if you are able. If you can’t or aren’t ready then in the meantime please look up some harm reduction techniques and programs in your area like needle exchanges if they are available. See if your area (or better yet online right now) has SMART Recovery or Moderation Management or other groups that would be able to support you right now without you needing to already be clean. The former is science based recovery while the latter is focused on harm reduction and moderation rather than a mandatory goal of complete abstinence. While AA/NA is probably the easiest to find I don’t personally recommend it because I think it can be detrimental and hasn’t been proven to be effective but that is up to you. Also if you use reddit the subreddit r/opiates can be helpful with harm reduction as well but can also sometimes be triggering so just know that, but there is also r/opiatesrecovery which is more focused but less populated. Sorry for the long reply but I just know how hard it is to feel like you have completely fucked everything up and there’s no way out. It’s really hard to get started, find all the resources, find what works and what doesn’t for you and that can be so daunting. If you need someone to talk to let me know if there is somewhere I can PM you. Stay safe ❤️
I feel like the people that get offended usually have someone in their lives who is struggling with something like that, so to them it’s not funny. They don’t realize that when we make jokes about our struggles it’s our way of coping.
Thank you for covering this... My mom was part of a pro ana group from the late 90's to near 2010. It greatly influenced the way my siblings and I viewed health and weight growing up, and led me to follow suit later on. We thought it was normal because nobody talked about it... and when I found out it wasn't normal- I did whatever I could to hide it. It never goes away, the thought process never goes away. But, back then- it was kind of normal.
It’s crazy how much that happens. You’re parents can be completely fucking batshit, but they’re the ones that teach you all the little things about life. Can GREATLY fuck you up in the long run
My mother is anorexic and has been for decades. She's now almost 60. I grew up with an eating disorder and my sister who is in college still has one. I'm the "fattest" one in the family at 175 pounds (average for my height and build) but I am also the healthiest and the happiest. Let me tell you, having a parent with an eating disorder is the absolute worst. I've never met someone else who's mother openly had an eating disorder as well. Nice to know I'm not alone in that.
@@mlev1111 this terrifies me, this really does terrify me. I now have two kids and i wouldn't wish any of this crap on them. Services have told me, and assured me that me having an insight means that i can help look out for pitfalls and dangers for them. Now i just feel like a shit mum and a danger to everyone.
@@lostindisorder If I'm interpreting what you're saying correctly, and correct me if I'm wrong, you're a mum with an eating disorder? If this is true, all I can say to you is number one, get help. If you can't recover for yourself, recover for your children. Number two, your children see everything. Legitimately. Everything.
I am older and we didn't have internet in the late 70s and early 80s. My biggest memory was a train ride to Toronto where I met a girl and we talked about the best fast food to binge and purge on.
One thing I've learned from my time on the internet is that the "put a bunch of mentally ill people who are friends online together in the real world" thing never really works out. Bonus points if they're not in a stage where they understand that they're mentally ill yet too.
For me it was very rare to find someone who had a lot in common with me besides the mental struggles . Its kinda the only thing that bonds you . At least where im from thats the case
Off topic completely- but could you do an entire video of stuff you still have from back in the 90s/00s? Clothes/accessories etc! I’d love to see them considering how eclectic and stylish you are!
I would love that! The late 90's and especially early 2000's was such a crazy time for fashion. I remember having these platform flip flops with blue flames on the side..lol
I’m a nurse and I work in a underage residential ED facility. We use DBT at our facility. I have some issues with the way things are ran because even though we have made scientific discoveries to better help us understand eating disorders and the brain, I still think we are way behind in treatment options. You offer a unique viewpoint that helps me to better understand my clients and to better help them within the program.
I'm glad you are actively trying to learn and be the most informed you can for those patients. Too often the ignorance there hurts people who are supposed to be helped. It's gotten much better over the years because of people like you :)
DBT is diabolical. You sound like you have a soul so please- educate EVERYONE around you - that NO people who are mentally ill are traumatised and do not need to challenge their traumas. They need support and encouragment Honestly at the moment I think the NHS is one big Eugenics machine.
@@MARSBELLA1 I was taught DBT for a number of months in a mental health treatment facility a while back, and we hardly ever talked about trauma. Mainly DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is just about regulating your emotions, and it’s usually used in the treatment of borderline personality disorder (which I have, and DBT has worked wonders for me). The four pillars of DBT are: - Emotion regulation - Interpersonal effectiveness - Mindfulness / grounding - and Distress Tolerance. It was developed by a therapist who has admitted to having BPD, Marsha Linehan, and is used for a wide variety of mental illness not just BPD. I’m also taking psychology as my major, and with years and years of dealing with mental illness under my belt, I feel qualified to speak on this subject, that not everyone responds the same way to therapy and that it can be extremely helpful.
@@3005511 I agree.. I completed DBT and “diabolical” is the furthest thing from what I would describe it as... it doesn’t work on everyone but it’s mainly up to your own attitude.
@@MARSBELLA1 DBT is just basically DIY therapy. Its coping skills for when you are in a crisis and helps challenge your irrational thoughts and behaviors. It wont help everyone, but it has at least helped me a lot with my mental health (BPD, no ED). It doesn't even have anything to do with challenging traumas. Also side note: there are some people who DID challenge their trauma in therapy and it has helped them overcome their trauma. For some people facing the darkness has allowed them to bring light into their world. What helps some people doesn't help others. That is why there is so many different kinds of therapy. Not one form will help everyone. It is not your place to decide what is helpful and what isn't for everyone.
I love your uncensored take on eating disorders and addiction and mental health. I've struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder for years, I'm just now starting to get better. I really like your honest perspective on it, giving the good and the bad of every situation, just telling it as it is. I think it'd be interesting to hear your thoughts on how eating disorders have been portrayed in the media, mainly shows and movies like with Cassie from Skins or To The Bone or some of the movies that were supposed to be like PSAs but ended up popular on pro ana forums because they're triggering, mainly starving in suburbia which is probably the worst of them in my opinion. Obviously you don't have to do a video on that if you have no interest in it, but it is a fairly prevalent issue and people are always asking the question of whether movies or shows should be made displaying major mental illnesses because they will indefinitely be triggering to someone. I'd like to know your perspective on that.
@@gremlinwithstickyhands3704 I think it was good for spreading awareness for those who don't have an ED but things like that are SUPER fucking triggering to people in recovery, especially how much they showed her body. There were high and low points of it for me, but I feel like there definitely should have been a trigger warning.
I opened a new tab to watch the trailer for starving in suburbia because I've never heard of it and I have a morbid curiosity towards most things in life (I don't have an eating disorder so it wasn't particularly triggering to me) but the ad that played for the next video was for Sonobello weight loss. !!!! I- the internal rage I feel-and I don't even know where my anger should be directed; the youtube algorithm, google, the universe in general... Anyways...I just needed somewhere to rant for a second
@@kendrascraft1080 yea, YT sucks for this, if you watch a video about exposing make-money-fast scams, it has ads for make-money-fast scams. Yours is a particularly horrible example of it. They don't care what they're selling.
agreed ! (coming from someone currently in ed recovery (only recently got discharges) and also struggled with sh, ocd ,depression.. the list goes on) just hoping to get to a healthy lifestlye, n actually look after myself
When I was younger I simply barely ate, not on purpose, it did eventually end up in eating disorder... but before I knew I had a disorder someone gave me a red bracelet and said here it’ll help you find friends. Not looking back, considering I was never in the “culture” of it... was an odd thing for someone to do
I was the same way. I was aware of the forums but to boost my own badly wounded self esteem I felt "better than" and didn't get involved with them because I prided myself on being able to had done all of it in my own. I can't imagine what I would have been like had I gotten involved with them. I never considered myself ana until I was very well into. I just had a terrible relationship with food, and my mother was VERY very ana herself and was proana without the actual label. And she died of ana and alcoholism. I wish there had been this much info available then. I hope you're doing ok now.
@@SwedePotato314 - If you don’t mind sharing, when did you begin to realize that your mom was ana? Was it something that you subconsciously knew - was it the “hidden secret” in the family that no one talked about - or was it something that you became aware of as you got older?
@@SwedePotato314 I’m doing great now. Some days are more difficult than others, because it wasn’t a control thing for me- I simply don’t get hungry, or I’ll take a couple bites and be full already. But I’ve gotten to where I now crave healthy foods, and I’ve gotten my weight up from 70lb to 145lb and staying steady at that weight for about 2 years now. My teeth are brittle still, and I still get sick often, but my hair is thicker and my skin is healthier :)
If you don't mind me asking, is there a possibility you had trouble eating because of sensory problems? I'm just aware there is a crossover autism/adhd esp. in girls, and eating disorders and not wanting to eat because of sensory problems is one way this occurs.
I joke about my self harm habits a lot (I'm lucky over them) and the ppl that get /really/ offended are always the ones that have never ever in their lives even seen a self harm scar.
It might depend on the community? I've noticed for (child sexual) abuse & the consequences on mental health it can have afterwards, myself and others who have gone through it can be a bit protective/serious about it. Of course there are folks who've been through it and joke about it (I have seen this online). I'll say it would probably show that I have reached reached a certain level of healing if I personally could joke a bit, as it would show I can validate myself, I know what happened was wrong and is wrong, I don't stand for it etc, BUT I can point out the absurdity of the horrible situation. And not let it kill me more. But since it is something I feel isn't taken as seriously as it should (with some folks tip toeing the line at times or defending some offenders), it is hard for me. Do your experiences with the self-harm community relate to this? What's your take on being able to joke about situations that are horrible but society sometimes doesnt take it serious enough to aid those being hurt by it?
@@airari24 I've got sexually abused as a kid too and I'm definetly not healed from it. I don't really mind joking about it with friends but I can't stand the "haha uncle is rapey" jokes online
@@bittybuta3756 That's understandable. I don't like those types of jokes either, tbh. Thank you for responding to my comment. You didn't have to share that but you chose to and I'm grateful for your opinion.
@@marthaj.patterson7539 that's not a medical criteria. Whether or not you're capable of consenting or refusing a medical interventions depends on your status when you exercise that right, not the situation five or ten minutes ago. Insisting on taking someone against their will when they've expressed said will is legally, kidnapping, and could absolutely cost them their jobs
I'm mentally ill and dealt with a lot of things growing up, but EDs were something I never touched. It's so fascinating listening to the raw, unfiltered stories and outlook you have after going through it. I have no idea why you were recommended on my feed, but I am so happy I discovered your channel!
Me accidently ending up on ED twitter through an internet friend was what made me start restricting and eventually ending up in a hospital. So as interesting and "fun" as these stories are, please don't be intruiged to discover or delve into them further. Even if you're totally "healthy", it could trigger something within you that you didn't know existed
I completely agree. I see so many people linking pro Ed websites thinking that they’re helping. They’re not. It’s truly awful. Please don’t seek out these websites
definitely i never thought there was any chance i could develop an ED, until one day i realised i had- though looking back there were signs- vegetarianism, faking allergies to avoid food, obsessively tracking my food intake, making rules… be careful (:
Unrelated but damn I never thought I would see park bom in a pfp ever again. I’m being taken back to my high school days when I was a huge stan of her.
@@thecyclopsofrainbowleaf playlists that are supposed to inspire you or motivate you, or songs that are about the disorder or weight. I still cannot listen to Creep by Radiohead because it brings me back to my worst days with the disorder and makes me cry because of the memories and negative thoughts from then even though it never impacted me like that before the ED. Pro ana forums had songs like this but I also had seen lots of playlists made on TH-cam back in the day, around 2007-2009 ish. The TH-cam videos often had thinspo photos to them
It’s really depressing that it’s not just a disorder it’s a competition, the comparison between the people’s bodies scars people because it encourages it further 😭💓
And it's also a competition with yourself. Your brain keeps setting this standard of you that looks thinner, even if it's distorted, and you kind of detach yourself from your thoughts, only hearing that you'll be worth a damn when you look "this small". And it gets smaller and smaller each and every time
"It was oviously an anorexic meetup because everyone got the same" Me: black coffee? "Black coffee, with sweetener" Omg the uv light i died! Yes each one is "allowed" to joke about their own sttruggles because everyone knows where their boundaries are and what is allowed to be a joke and what hurts to say/hear or they way it's said.
That's what I assumed too. I'm watching my weight and I drink only water and black coffee. However, I am just watching my weight and prefer my coffee black.
The back splash bit was so funny to me 😂 i always hid my bolimia but i came across this video and i never realized People with eds joked and related about them its was verry comforting to me 😭😭
If I didn't laugh at my prescription drug addiction and alcohol addiction I would have never made it through detox and rehab three times. I have 15 years completely sober, not even a cigarette or marijuana. I earned the right to make the most offensive jokes about MY addictions and so has anyone else who has LIVED through it.
I feel so terrible that I still haven't read any WB, what is wrong with me?!! :O I knew an addict who promised to steal me one of his books from Waterstones once, & I was like, yeahh, so, don't do that, ok, I'll use Amazon! O_O ...but I still haven't! He had his literary ambitions straighter than mine - I need to fix that!
Oh dear god no xD it's been a while since I've thought of FakeBestFriend, but when I'm relapsing with exercise that sodding push-up song by them comes to my head. I hate it with a passion yet it's there. Along with quotes from magazines that used to be sent out via SMS when i had my first phone. This is all making me feel old, and sad.
14 years ago I developed anorexia and as a 14 year old at the time the thinspo and pro ana community on youtube quickly swallowed me.. I made the red bracelets, I made the typical videos with pictures, the typical songs in the background and the typical quotes and posted on youtube. I joined blogs and had penpals. I’m horrified when I think back at it. I am very happy that I got out of it and that I’m healthy today.
The early 2000s were wild. It was totally normal to practice eating disorder behavior in every day life, at least where I went to middle school and high school. I second what everyone else is saying here - you should consider writing personal essays or memoirs or anything based on your experience. You’re an amazing storyteller. x
I think I don’t let myself consider what I went through as anorexia bc I never got to a deadly weight...it’s almost like I don’t want to claim that bc I think i wasn’t anorexic “enough” ...but I exhibited all the symptoms and remember being so cold, shaking, counting calories and freaking out if I got to 800 calories in a day, and being miserable and losing hair...and constantly crying and weighing myself bc I NEEDED to be thin. I always have to remind myself that anorexia isn’t one thing but there’s many levels to it and everything is valid and needs attention. I still deal with my eating disorder to this day and probably will for the rest of my life. It’s awful and it hurts my heart to see people go through it bc I know how it feels.
@@deadflowers5897 yeah, that was always hard for me to grasp and I think I didn’t want to admit it to myself, saying “well i’m not deathly skinny so haha i don’t have this illness”
Don't invalidate your struggle! You have still had the same feelings as the rest of us. No matter what weight you hit. It's better you didn't get deathly skinny, that means you recovered before it was potentially too late. I'm overweight now and I would still consider myself anorexic a good amount of the time.
I hope you're doing better. It's important to remember that weight is only a symptom of this illness and your struggles are valid regardless if you don't meet their "criteria". I remember crying to doctors about my bulimia when I was 19 and they didn't take me seriously because my BMI was on the low end of "healthy" at that time even though my dentist recently pointed out my teeth were already being to erode and pointed this out to my mother after my wisdom teeth were pulled. They only took me seriously after met the "criteria" in regards to being underweight . I think if someone would have listened to me early I wouldn't be where I'm at today.
My eating disorder (circa early to mid 2000's) kind of turned into a drug addiction (mid to late 2000's and onward), with which I've struggled with on and off since it started. They went hand in hand, my ED and drug addiction, often times. I was homeless for a little while, deep in a heroin addiction, and I was happy I didn't have money to eat food, I saw it as a way to control food. Luckily today I am clean (aside from weed- which I personally don't see as a problem) and healthy, I'm turning 30 next year, and I feel healthier than I've been in forever.
You’re my absolute favorite person to listen to. The way you speak so eloquently and describe your emotions is refreshing and engaging. I love your accent too, all around great TH-camr
I was part of a pro ana community and was an active bulimic too. I had a red bracelet too. I lost a lot of weight, to the point my periods stopped for almost a whole year. Sigh. Now I’m a little overweight and working to getting fit again (blame lockdown ), but I’m happy and confident.
As an American who was part of of the pro-Ana movement back in the day, I loved watching this video because someone finally understands it. It was so ridiculous. And your soapbox of us making fun of our own struggles... my goodness YES! I make people so uncomfortable with my jokes. They’re offended and I’m laughing. I just wanna shake your hand for this video. You’re a gem.
Hi Cass! Verrrrrry long stretch here, but your not from CA, right? A teacher? Used to visit chatzy to speak with Bex, BT, and Jeny? I hope/wish it was you! Have been really concerned! If not, still hope you're doing well!
@@danescarman8640 I am not from CA. And I am doing fairly well actually. Finished a 4.5 month stay in an eating disorder program in MN last February to June. And thank you 😊 hope you find the cassie you’re looking for.
Lol OK you win with the salad! 😉 I’ve been recovered for years but that whole part sure triggered memories... I actually prefer coffee black except for when I was in the worst of my anorexia - then I was the opposite! By now I’m not even having caffeinated drinks daily and I would’ve thought like never be able to do that.. Sometimes things change dramatically. Hope you’re doing well!
God, this video was so sad. Fascinating but terribly sad. As a teenager who suffered with mental illness I remember how lonely and hopeless it all felt and this kind of meet up would have made me absolutely spiral.
I was such a “pro” at being bulimic that it got to the point that I didn’t need to put my fingers down my throat to puke I just needed to think about it and “order” my brain to puke just to do it
Oh I do hope the girl who wrote her username in puke is okay now. She sounds like a pure gem of a personality. I'm sorry it had to be displayed in a way that was so dangerous to her wellbeing. We need people with that sense of humor around. It is one of the reasons I'm so glad I found your channel. I am glad you got well too because you really are such fun, and I say this as someone who has never had an ED. It's like trying to understand another world that is the opposite to anything I know.
@@xainabshuja4215 Aww man. Poor young woman. I can't imagine being in that depth of pain, but Ms Gretchen appears to have had a strong sense of the ridiculous that was with her even at the worst of times.
@@thescenecat Oh. Appreciate the correction. I don't know them personally and have not seen many of their videos, so it's good to know what pronouns they prefer. ✌
The last part reminds me of when I was in rehab - I was there for a very hardcore addiction and there were young girls there for EDs as well. They had their own group therapy but in certain lectures or free time everyone could mingle and you could just see it happening. They would start asking questions about what drugs I took, how did I get them, did these curb appetite as much as everyone says? I totally shut down and refused to answer but some people didn’t realize and would continue conversing. One girl with a severe ED straight up texted me afterwards when we had finished the program and asked me if I could help her score. They should never have mixed the patients like that. But in another note thanks for the stories you are a great storyteller and I see the humour in some of the dark moments as well.
@@delicateghoul yea, and we quite quickly formed that "Us vs Them" bond, they hadn't been through it, they didn't understand us like we understood each other etc. Feels supportive but doesn't help with your issues at all.
i got into pro-ana culture when i was around 10. fasting, purging and forcing myself to do all those things has left me with a heart problem. my heart is now really weak and i keep having very fast heartbeats whenever i just don't eat. experiencing this leaves you with more than just a scarred mind. looking back, i would definitely describe this entire culture as very cult-like. i remember girls talking about ana in 3rd person, like it's some deity of any kind
@ejemplo2222 thanks for the unsolicited advice... but i highly doubt my medical state is any of your concern, especially since you don't even know what issues with my heart i have exactly.
I still have an issue with this. I size people up everywhere I go- it’s so messed up. And the irony is not lost on me that I am doing to others exactly what I am most afraid they are doing to me. I’ve gotten so much better in so many ways, but the sickness just loves to creep in sometimes 😞
The fact the ambulance just was like “sure you can go even though you just talked about killing yourself” like what kind of medically trained person just lets that happen??
They can’t force you to go. If the police are called and deem you a threat then they can commit you but the paramedics can’t do anything but try to convince you to go
[TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, mental hospitals, medical neglect] im in new zealand and im trying to recover from a mental breakdown right now that ive been having since maybe the 28th of december. since im not rich i have to go through the underfunded public mental health system. i was feeling very very suicidal and took myself to the ED because i knew i needed to be in a safer environment before i got too determined. i tried for numerous nights, camping out in the emergency room and waiting every day to be seen by the crisis team psychiatrist, telling them i was suicidal and that i wasnt safe to go home. i couldnt shower or anything lmao. they turned me down every day until they finally decided to put me in a bed in the emergency ward since there were no spaces in the mental ward. after a few nights in the emergency ward they transferred me to the mental ward. i started to get a bit better, but then on the 5th(?) day i had a meeting with a psychiatrist who told me i was being discharged from the hospital to make room for another patient. i had a huge mental breakdown, screaming and crying and hallucinating from the stress, told them i was going to kill myself if they sent me home, but they threatened to get security to drag me out and in the end i just had to leave. i went home and the next day i tried to kill myself like i said i would. they didnt admit me after that either lol its like i used up my hospital stay allowance in their eyes. thankfully im still alive, but i found out after i got discharged that a patient had actually committed suicide in the mental ward i was in in 2019. TLRD: sometimes there arent enough resources in mental healthcare to administer healthcare even when a person is at obvious risk, because politicians that are in charge of healthcare budgets are rich enough to have access to private healthcare and dont understand what is actually happening to patients. also, in nz mental hospitals in my experience you get almost no treatment. they fucked up my prescriptions and wouldnt give me the right amounts of meds and you get NO therapy (again just what ive experienced out of 3 pretty short stays).
@@MC-tl5bf it's honestly SO time for a revolution. Pump all that wealth that is wasted on the rich into the public sector and get something that SHOULD be so basic like (mental) healthcare funded properly. What the fuck kind society (not even talking New Zealand specifically, most countries are like this I'm afraid) would allow this to happen to its people? Good on you for staying determined and I wish you all the strength to deal with a system that is doing everything it can not to deal with you. Keep going mate, even when you feel alone, you have friends and companions all over the world.
When I was begging for help because I was planning to kill myself, they just told my mum to hide the scissors. Suicide prevention in the medical field is kind of shit.
Draining our health services in such a selfish way...Dorian's still doing this with Suicide hotlines and Mental Hospitals and lying to doctors to get pills.... Dorian should be arrested for this abuse.
@@britneygoth3811 mental illnesses are illnesses, it's not like people choose to have them, but even if someone is hurt or in danger because of their own irresponsible behavior they still deserve help, should we let people who ride motorcycles die if they have an accident? no, even though we could argue they knew the risks. re: Dorian's "abusing the system" how do you know? Do you have any evidence for that? that's quite a claim to make without proof based on watching someone's videos.
@@britneygoth3811 this is a really weird and unrelated comment. Also, good job for making nasty assumptions about someone who talks about their struggles. You don't know them.
I know for a fact that if I met up with the girls I spoke to on tumblr growing up to enable my ed behaviors I would have probably died. Back then I was annoyed that my parents were so wary of me going out and strict, but definitely see it as a blessing in disguise. I despise the fact that I can see how these meetups are fun because my old ed brain is like "oh my god that'd be the dream" but my current brain is like "this breaks my fucking heart." I loved this honest, unapologetic video. Gives people who don't know anything of the topic some actual, true insight.
I only discovered your channel in the last month and I’ve watched almost everything! I love how you speak and how you handle issues and yourself so wonderfully!
they're amazing at storytelling, i watched one of their videos while i was high and i thought it was some sort of angelic creature speaking to me about how to fix my shit for some reason? everything just connected so hard with how my life was at that moment
I'm so glad that you brought up laughing at your own experience. I joke about my SA and one time someone went "dont joke about that, you never know who's experienced it." And I just gaped
its true, though?? Just bc you joke about your own doesnt mean everyone who has is comfortable with that. As a person who has experienced it multiple times, Id ask anyone who joked abt SA, even their own to not to around me. I can make light of a lot but not that... Have you ever considered that person possibly experienced SA and wasnt comfortable with you making light of it? Theres nothing wrong with asking someone to not joke abt a serious topic around you.
@@josiescites7933 it was the assumption of "you haven't been through this so you have no right to joke about it." That came with the question. If I had been asked, hey can you please not joke about that I'd have apologized. But just like you say I should consider they might have gone through it they should've done the same with me.
@@josiescites7933 and i wasn't asked. I was told. I was told don't joke about this horrible thing that happened to you because the way you deal with it may not be the way others like to deal with it
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You should totally write a book about your life during the goth 2000s. I would so read it. The way you describe things gives me nostalgia
Yess ill absolutely purchase!!!!
I’d buy that as well. I’d love to read an autobiography from her. Early 00s goth, ED, drugs, etc. It’d be a good read if you ask me
I wasn't a goth but find it nostalgic not even sure why 😂
i think she writes some more blog posts about some of these kinds of stories on her blog! at least i think i've read a story here and there on her blog, which is usually in the video bio. but yes i would read it too!
But to be fair I had some ex girlfriends who were goth so I kind of by association went to goth places and enjoyed a lot of goth music so perhaps that's why I feel the nostalgia despite not really considering myself goth
I remember ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ and ‘meanspo/sweetspo’ oh my god
69 years ago 😂
Ha
It’s still on tumblr
"nothing tastes as good as skinny" god those words still haunt me. 2012-2014 tumblr was so toxic in my life
All of those terms still exist on tumblr :)))
It's very humanizing to listen to someone talk about ED in a less clinical way.
we used to do that too... i used to love it back then lol.
Thank you
@@ofherbsandaltars im a perfectionist, but definitely not high achieving. i'm autistic and my perfectionism would go so far that in school if i wasnt happy with a project and how it turned out , i would just trash the project and not turn in anyhting, even if i'd spent hours trying to get it perfect.... if i would still feel like it wasnt, then...ttrash. definitely doesnt make for a high-acheiving type of person lol. my perfectionism is counter-intutive.
This is grey because it shows EDs in a realistic way too. Even with 2020 being so much more woke about mental health I still find many people just don't understand eating disorders at all and are rather patronizing about it. Or they assume any type of disordered eating is an eating disorder so they say stuff like "I had a phase like that but I started reading on nutrition and fitness and now I'm healthy!" It's not the same thing
Great*
people who’ve had ed’s have every right to laugh at how ridiculous it is because it is! abusing laxatives and shitting yourself, growing fur etc... it’s better laughed at than glamourised
Honestly though like the stupid shit you do to further an addiction
Growing fur?
@@noobok7079 you grow extra hair in weird places
lets be clear here though "Laughing at" is not the same as "laughing with", laughing at people with problems that are very difficult for themselves to change particularly any kind of addiction which is usually paired with a mental disorder such as depression for example is not a way to help those individuals, it will probably just worsen their condition.
@@ariishot WHAT HOW OMG
"she was worried about being the fattest one there" that brought me to tears, poor thing, my heart goes out so much to anyone suffering from EDs and these stories have to be told, and you are an excellent storyteller
that was the case for a lot of the people at my ed ward. looking back, it hurt knowing that they thought such thoughts about themselves.
thanks this really means a lot. I’ve been struggling a while, so this really means a lot.
I remember always worrying about being the fattest person.
I just turned 30 last month and for many years I've lived happily in my body. I love that I'm tall and strong and curvy. When it's hot in summer, I wear shorts and a tank top. In my sex life, I've become an exhibitionist, and if someone says they like how I look I believe them.
But for a good decade from my early teens to twenties, I would be filled with self-loathing if I was the fattest person in the room. I would get anxious if anyone walked behind me on the stairs because I felt like they were judging me for walking so slow because I was an out-of-shape blob. I would suffer through summers in jeans and other long pants. I couldn't enjoy dating because I was so worried about how fat and ugly I must look.
I can't pinpoint exactly how or when the shift happened. I tried going to therapy but my therapist was, uh, not the most empathic person in the world. I tried so many things to break out of those negative thought patterns and my episodes of binge eating.
Maybe it was just persistence in the end. Telling myself a message of body positivity until I finally believed it.
@@janeeyre1990 *So* happy for you honey 💟 Your comment was a joy to read. Rock on, you're an inspiration 💪
hearing this makes me realize how ed communities haven’t changed at all in over 10 years almost 20....
they're even trying to bring back the red bracelet thing on ed twitter
@@user-ks7if8pw7b NO we aren’t 😭😭
Yup. It hasn't changed at all. There's always new ed chats, new dramas around the members... And honestly that groups were so funny. Honestly if you were lucky you could even have friends there.
@MB black birdie is trying to say it seems to be getting worse. More morbid and joking about dying from this. Why did you get so defensive lol it wasn't an attack against you 😅
@@bryonyayaka yes we are lmaoo
I attended emo meet ups where we would all make out with each other and compare scars lol
Hah you dont live in Melbourne do yah? I remember 2005 living in melbourne for a little bit seeing loads of emos at the melbourne train station every time i was in the city. Back then i had no idea emos were actually sad. I just thought it was a music genre and style.
@@distortionpedal no im from Germany, iguess emo was supposed to be a music subculture but most were just sad confused kids and teens
@@pinkiepie865 yeah i grew up to be a very sad and confused adult . But im ok now im 36 and got a deaf cat. 😁
@@distortionpedal awww !!
I did the same thing 10 years ago in western germany. Kind of stunning that these sorts of weird meetings happened in all sorts of different places all over the world. It's not like we were thinking much about it. We just met people at the train station who were in the same sub culture and we wanted to "hang out" and feel "understood".
I remember being 11 years old and so obsessed with this Pro Ana culture. I never actually lost a pound but my mind was so screwed.
same, it’s so sad thinking back on it
me too, i never lost weight but my mind is warped around it and my mental health has went into decline since this year
omg! i relate so heavily. I consumed so much ed/ana content, was obsessed with my weight, etc. but i never had the weight loss so I felt really disingenuous even trying to get help for it.
@@nancy-jx4nw oh same holy crap! i would scroll edtwt obsessively and check the scale every night and count my calories daily and take my measurements but the most i ever lost were 2 pounds lmaooo. honestly still struggling with the mindset but yknow... time heals ig
yeah same, i was like 10-12 and i was HOOKED UP on pro ana blogs and later MPA (at that point I already had an actual ED but it's still hard to admit bc I'm not thin lol) i don't frequent any of those spaces anymore but my mind's permafucked by the ana mindset
I had a bulimia friend in the early 2000’s who sadly never recovered and she passed away from rupturing her stomach. That incident is what helped me to get to where I am today. Her mum still checks in on me every now and then to see how I’m doing. It’s so sad.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This terrifies me. Feel like I’ve come so close so many times. But you don’t hear of it happening often
@@ChevereJones if you’re currently struggling with an Ed, please get help. I know it’s easier said than done, but the world needs you in it, ok?
@@ChevereJones even if you don’t hear about it often doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Please don’t push your luck, you can get better and recover. Live is worth living, please choose life.
I'm currently struggling and in that middle phase of Bulimia. Not too nad but not too good either.. How do i .. stop and.. heal? I want help but i'm scared to get help. I am a young teen and i'm not sure what.. to do. I cannot tell my friends or family AT ALL.
@@maynardsasshole3047 I’m no professional but what has worked for me is to identify the roots of the issue. Is it low self esteem? Family issues? Body issues? Trauma? Then you can work on fixing that. Since you aren’t too deep in the ED you can work on resisting eating and purging by keeping yourself occupied when you do get the need to binge. Maybe pick a new hobbie so it can keep you interested. Eat at appropriate times so you don’t get too hungry and binge. Set up a schedule and try to stick with it. After you eat, try not to look at yourself in the mirror so you aren’t triggered by the image. Distance yourself from triggering foods and videos. I really hope you can fight this, good luck. ❤️
Laughing at the disgusting absurdity of addiction is one of the most healing things I've experienced in my recovery.
Some of the funniest moments I've had were out in the smoking shelter of a psychiatric hospital. Our darkest thoughts and incidents laid bare and the comradery from other inpatients was really healing. I hope everyone I was there with has recovered, I don't keep in touch with any of them but I really am so grateful for all that time we spent together
Yes! I'm a recovering drug addict and I have to poke fun at myself and the stupid crap I did so I don't get too dark and sad about it.
Sometimes i feel people who never dealed with something like that, expect you to be very sensitive about the subject or very serious when someone brings it up. The thing is, i dont want to cry about what happen to the end of my life. In all that mess i was in there were these weir "funny" memories, its hard to explain to someone who never experience something like this.
Yes!! It helps so much. Laughing with others who also get it is maybe the best thing I’ve discovered.
@@dreamingoffall7694 I agree with you 100%!
I'm a recovering heroin addict, and I totally agree with the concept of being able to joke about your struggles. I don't think I would be able to stay clean without my humour.
@K. Varner Well done for being in recovery and maintaining your sense of humour, it really is the beating heart of survival. I lost my cousin to H, 15 yrs ago and even though it's her anniversary - I saw your comment and felt happier that someone out there survived their addiction, I don't know you - but I'm proud of you.
@@Alexandra_Hill Thank you so much. This comment really touched my heart. I can't tell you how many people around me have died trying to fight this. As someone who really has no self-esteem, it can be hard to take compliments from people, but something about yours really made me feel good. I'm coming up on 8 years and when I hit it, I'll dedicate my day to your cousin. : )
Keep going brother/sister. Youve got this, and I'm proud of you for being in recovery
@@chickennug3591 thanks so much! I'm a woman, BTW. I always forget that my YT name is abbreviated, haha.
same ! IV heroin addict since i was 16 i'm 24 now. i kind of have to bring humor into it since it's soo dark lol. proud of you for being clean :))
I'm a stage III breast cancer survivor. I cannot tell you how many people I've offended by my survival jokes. People who have never been sick in their lives. Laughter is MEDICINE. It heals. It's necessary to live and find any joy in your day to day drudgery. I'm sorry my chemo jokes offended you, but I'm the one who has to live with this disease and laughter is what gives me the strength to do just that.
Ugh I feel this. Any slight joke about my eating disorder makes people almost mad at me and it’s like,, would you rather I say something depressing? Laughter is growth, laughter is strength , and it’s okay to find joy from devastation
laughter is medicine, 100%. Especially when YOU'RE the one who's had to go through the horrors of chemo and everything else that comes with cancer, the very least you should get out of it is a free pass to joke about it! I've used humour to joke about and cope with my childhood abuse, suicidal urges, addiction etc. I get that some folks don't know what to say, and feel uncomfortable around it, but just outright chastising people for coping with their trauma through humour is bizarre.
Okay now I want to read some shocking! cancer jokes if you care to tell 🙃
1000% dude, any time i joke about my illness people just stand there awkwardly and it’s so uncomfortable like come on. smile man, i wont get upset. i only have one friend who gets it and makes sick jokes with me lmfao
Absolutely! Soldiers will joke in trenches. Sardonicism remains one of the best coping mechanisms out there. Hopefully the art won't die out with all the tutting moralists these days. Monty Python said it best in 'Always Look on the Bright side of Life":
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing (...)
i think i’m having an ed relapse and this honestly made me feel a lot better and encouraged me to eat something :) thank you
I can’t say I understand what you’re going through, but I am more than happy to support you! If you need someone to talk through and make it through I’m here for you!
Don’t slip back. Recognize your habits, and try to figure out what is bringing them back up. Be strong. Being healthy and vital (especially in these times) is so important. When I find myself slipping, I try and remind myself of all the ugly aspects I don’t want to get overwhelmed with again. Good luck friend, be kind to yourself.
Realising and acknowledging what is happening is the first step and a sign of strength :)))) not sure if you need to hear this, but stay strong. You’ve already proven to yourself you can fight it
That's amazing! 👑 Her channel is better than therapy xD
you deserve to feel healthy and spend time thinking about things other than eating !
i would listen to a 3 hour video of you talking about chalk, straight up.
Same!
She's brilliant
@@natalie021983 they*
What kind of chalk though? The edible kind?
@@asideofaioli4630 all chalk is edible of you aren't a coward.
My mom had a fridge magnet that said "think skinny"... It was rough coming up in that.
Oh for sure! And I feel my Mom is sooo much better. Which is really the important part to me.
And thank you keke for that compassion
That's so damaging :/
@@ktbg05 yeah, she was really, really bad there for a time and she did project quite a bit of that on me. Thankfully, Ive been able to realize its presence and build a reasonably healthy relationship with food and my body. :)
@@TheMurray1922 that's good, I'm glad
I can't believe the pub owner didn't call an ambulance. Disgusting they saw someone unresponsive and just said "go"
Unrelated… but that pfp. I used to have the same one years ago. It brought me a small hint of nostalgia haha
right?! i said the exact same thing.
Even in America they’d call an ambulance and that shit is life-ruiningly expensive here
I was thinking this. I think this story was around 2004 and I know things were different back then but surely saving someone's life has always been a thing?
I might be assuming here but either one of them were under 16 which is a huge fine or since the girl that was extremely intoxicated could've gotten the pub owner in trouble as well with another huge fine because they're supposed to judge when someone is already very intoxicated and not serve them even more drinks. They could have been hit with several fines that probably would have been hard for them to pay, or they just didn't want to deal with the chance of losing their business. Unfortunately there's a lot of people with nothing to lose (a business, etc) that instead of just calling an ambulance they just leave and the person ends up dying of an overdose which is pathetic. Where I live you can call an ambulance for an overdose and you're legally protected (police can't question you, search you or your car, etc.) And that's put in place so people feel safe to call. I've heard people tell me "I didn't call because I had a warrant" when police never would have even asked their name. It happens a lot here, still, because people don't even know that law exists or they just don't care. It's sad but usually those people get their karma and end up dying alone just like they allowed multiple others to. Personally, I always carry two narcan with me because sometimes one isn't enough esp with fentanyl. I saved my deceased fiancees life 5 times, and in the end he ended up passing away alone of a heart attack from Seroquel last year November and it hurts like hell. I couldn't even go to his funeral for many reasons but mainly because the mother that abused him all his life up until 17 was there and the father who did nothing about it was there as well and I knew he didn't want them there, he wanted nothing to do with them at all. I don't usually enjoy other people's misery but I hope his parents never have a single day of peace.
The paramedics seriously looked at this girl and told her "antidepressants will fix you" wtf was 2004
lack of education for one
The year I was born
2004 was my birth year so no wonder it was nuts
A lot of them are still so bad at handling mental health calls too :/
I was 22 in 2004. The 80’s, 90,s and early to mid 2000’s was a time of “sucking it up”. We didn’t discuss things like depression, eating disorders or mental illness. We were just expected to be good and obedient children, anything less than a B at school was unacceptable, and being depressed just was just looked at as being sad. We were expected to push through anything and to just “get over it”. It made us strong, but at the same time a lot of underlying issues were looked over. Those issues are what we are now dealing with as adults in our late 30’s.
“The people who get offended about those jokes have never dealt with it” I know that’s not exactly what you said but that is SPOT ON. You are allowed to joke about things you’ve dealt with. Some people it’s a coping mechanism.
Best thing I've ever heard about Gallows Humour is, only people who have been on the gallows get to make joke about it, and if you haven't been there, you dont get to judge how we cope with it.
yeah i joke about my ed + su!c!dal tendencies and people who don’t deal with it tell me that i need to stop joking about things like that but that’s just how i cope-
@@jhopemoons13 it's the same with me, humor is just my coping mechanism. I'm careful with those jokes though, because a lot of the time my friends just get really uncomfortable and don't know how to react
@@johannavaresa5413
yeah same. sometimes i’ll want to say a joke but realize how concerning it sounds-
Yeah but theres rly nothing wrong with being offended by them. Theyre honestly just fucking annoying and create an awkward atmosphere that literally no one asked for. If you "use humor to cope uwu" do it on myproana or r/edanonymous lol
This is not coming from an outsider, just to not sound intrusive
i’m sorry about the girl that died, i remember the first death i experienced of a friend in an online ED community and it was a really unusual and difficult thing to deal with and i never even met her!
Yeah. RIP Jennifer
hey we have the same character as our profile picture! just wanted to say hello, it hurts knowing people die from this, im currently suffering from an ed, its not that bad so far though i am trying to stop but its so addictive
And you can’t tell people about their death bc it’s not like they were in your life enough for people to know them or approve of your connection to them
yeah I have always worried about finding out someone I made friends with at the mental hostpital killed themselves
RIP Lisa
now that y2k fashion is making a comeback, TikTok has become a breeding ground for body dysmorphia-- i always come across at least two kinds of videos:
- skinny girls showing off how skinny they are
- girls talking abt how they've basically eaten nothing for the entire day to stay skinny or to be skinnier
Which makes me sad that 8+ kids are on that app. It’s honestly caused me so much insecurities, side profile, nose, etc. I’ve already been rlly insecure so it didn’t exactly cause them but it worsened them.
I'm glad that I'm not the only one who's noticing how bad it is that y2k aesthetics are coming back because the entirety of the y2k style is literally built upon being as skinny as humanly possible.
Another reason why I don't use tiktok and try to stop looking at insta.
thank you so much for pointing this out!! I was starting to feel like I was the only one thinking it was harmful
this!! i'm on tiktok quite a bit and it's packed full of (mainly girls) talking about their struggles with their body and weight, as well as people striving for the looks that were popular in the earlier 2000s. seeing it makes me so sad because you can tell how many of them are in a way body checking. as well as the comments being filled with other girls saying how they wish they looked the same and wished they were smaller. it genuinely feels as if tiktok is turning into exactly what tumblr used to be in that sense.
I’m 55. This disease almost got the best of me in the 80s. You had nobody to talk to because it was so taboo. I was perfect in every way or so I thought. Now, I have an abnormal heart rhythm & must monitor my magnesium to potassium ratios. I also had to have a few crowns on my back teeth due to erosion. My throat cannot handle any hot sauce either. I sip on marshmallow root and green tea daily. Unsolicited advice.....Load up on calcium with vitamin D3 NOW to avoid osteopenia which becomes osteoporosis. Then you shrink in height, your teeth chip easily (I wear a mouth guard) & you break a hip just from stepping off a curb “the wrong way”. This is a humorous way of shedding a light on what you’ll go through if you don’t get help.
Find some raw milk and drink it. It will heal your bones and teeth.
@@toscadonna that’s not how things work when you’ve utterly destroyed your body for however many years w an eating disorder.
thank you for providing this insight . as a teenager i never really think about what im doing to my body in the future - and honestly no one really talks about it . thank you for sharing this
Do not drink raw milk, it is not safe. The potential pathogenic bacteria from raw milk, including tuberculosis, diphtheria, typhoid, Campylobacter, Listeria, Brucella, E. coli, Salmonella, and streptococcal infections, make it potentially unsafe to consume. It's not superior to pasteurized milk in any way.
Also, milk won't heal your bones and teeth. The way it works is, rather, that any food with calcium is important to keep your bones and teeth from becoming (more) unhealthy due to calcium deficiency.
Idk but milk gives me stomachache and diarrhea. What should I consume calcium?
The irony of a shop called Cyber Candy that didn’t sell online though
They did,I worked in their warehouse.it was disgusting rats everywhere one time a mouse got its hand caught in the shelving,miscarried its babies on top of a crate of mountain dew and they just wiped the top of the cans with a black dirty tag which was stiff from rat urine and had rat shit stuck to it. They also sold out of date food in the mystery boxes.😱
Sorry I meant rag not tag! They also had sticky traps with mice stuck to them and just left there. The rats would tear into the boxes and eat the chocolate and piss in there and they would just wipe it and pack it for customers.
"Cyber" was a theme in the early 2000s. Everything was cyber.
Usually your humour just makes me feel ...not quite so abnormal. Like “this, too, can be survived”. I love you for it. The last bit made me cry, tho. Idek why. But really glad you’re here and telling your stories🖤
It's crazy what can be survived, from my age, and looking back at the last year, the last 5 years, the last 20, I seem to be so good at falling down potholes in life, but usually stumbling on through eventually - the highs of life are always worth the lows :) Good luck to ya, wherever you're at with this!
This has been an education for me, I was in the 90s scene, and I feel like my generation may be quite a bit responsible for what happened later. While you’re young, it seems like you’ll live forever, and all of it is ‘just get through today’. Then, if you make it to the other side of 20, you have to deal with the weird mix of nostalgia and consequences, and eventually feelings of guilt. Love to the survivors, and love to those who are still struggling. Much love to those who aren’t here anymore.
agreed. suffering n recovering from anorexia (and only recently being discharged) its not been the easiest hearing about how "abnormal" people around see you as.
My attention span is trash. I didn't realize I was watching a 31-minute video until you said it was taking too long. You're a great storyteller; I was absorbed.
They are!!!
Me too!
IKR
“Wrote things with puke on the toilet seat” me an ementaphobic, *lord have mercy*
“Splashback, where puke would hit you on your face and clothes when it hits a toilet” *LORD HAVE MERCY*
Right there with you 😭😭
SAME
My god, I was thinking the same thing!
LITERALLYYYYYYY
I will never forget “a minute on the lips a lifetime on the hips” somehow that one stuck with me till this day-
I got told that when I was like 10
My dad used to tease me with that during the late 80s, early 90s. I was like 8, 9, 10 years old. It has stuck with me and I'm fucking 41 years old.
The one that got me was 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels'
Just stuck with me
My mom would say that to me
My best friend when I was younger’s mom used to say shit like that all of the time. We both developed eating disorders. Last year I was sent away to a rehab type thing for 6 months and gained back 20 lbs but I will see her, stick thin, jogging out neighborhood in freezing weather. Relapse it is for me!
anyone else “recovered” but oddly nostalgic about the proana community? like as awful as it was it was also a huge part of my childhood for better or for worst
Oh totally
Yes.
Yup
yes
Yes
It’s so strange hearing you talk about those days, because I hear myself telling stories to my boyfriend about my time as an active addict. Your excited tone and gesturing, the laughing and giggling, the nostalgia, the energy... it’s a strange thing, because regardless of the harm you were doing to yourself, the pain you were feeling, it was “the good old days” for you, like my time as an active user was the good old days for me. Looking back is so different than living it. I think about the parties and the sex and the drugs and waking up in strange places, etc. and it’s like seeing it through rose tinted glasses. At the time, I was mostly miserable, but there was also a freedom there. It was indulgent, it was innocent almost. I felt special and wild. Because I didn’t yet know how bad it would get. I felt invincible. It’s the essence of youth. Doing stupid things and living to tell. That feeling is gone now, and I try not to talk about it too much, try not to glamorize it. Every couple months almost like clockwork I’ll hear that someone I knew back then has died of an overdose and it takes the rose hue right off. But I know that feeling of going down memory lane and remembering all the ugliness and... missing it? That’s tucked up. It is what it is.
I know how you feel. I was anorexic (or am) and I was addicted to alcohol. My life was a mess back then, I always felt so lonely and I was crying myself to sleep, if I wasn’t hungover. I didn’t do anything else, just drinking, eating nothing, going outside with one or two friends in the night. Thinking about it makes me wanna go back, even though I know it was a hard time. I don’t even know why, I just want to. But I wouldn’t start drinking again, that’s for sure. I stopped when I woke up at the hospital.
Wow. Reading this comment almost seemed like I was reading a diary entry. Thank you so much for being so raw, authentic, and vulnerable. Beautifully articulated!
Thank you! I used to want to be a writer. I guess it’s never too late.
Damn this made me realize my life is boring lmao
@@CeeBee781 Please go for it. You are a wonderful writer ❤
The darker & scarier something is, the more important it is to find the humor in it.
2020 got my cheeks sore from laughing so much🤭
100% agree. My husband has many autoimmune diseases and is overall very sick. He’ll never be better. We have broken down into laughter about jokes on death and etc. Doctors get offended by us but you know.. when you know the news and outcome is bad.. the only way to make it through sometimes is to laugh about it or find the ‘good’ bad news amongst the bad news. If we didn’t we’d just be miserable always.
@@vampobsessed Exactly. You've got to keep a sense of humor to prevent being swallowed up by the darkness. I'm so sorry about your husband. My dad taught me to always find the humor in things. We're super close and he or I will share scary, painful stuff with the other and we'll be supportive and kind but we also always end up doubled over in laughter by the end of the conversation because we'll inevitably start making fun of how crazy the situation is and can't help but crack up.
@@vampobsessed , my mom has an incurable and untreatable degenerative neuromuscular condition with an autoimmune component, and she's the person who taught me to keep a positive outlook and find the humor in everything.
I remember a story she told me back from when she was still working. She's a fulltime electric wheelchair user now, but back then she would walk with a cane.
One day she was in the elevator at her work with only one other person, some man she didn't know, when she lost her balance. She put out her hands and caught herself on the decorative marbled wallpaper on the elevator's back wall.
As the man stared at her, she stroked the wallpaper with her hand and said, "Oooh, I just love this marble."
If you're not laughing about it, you're crying. thats how i look at it
So.... like fight club, but you’re beating your own body up?
edit: to all of you who have replied to make the same exact joke, STOP SPOILING THE MOVIE!!!
self harm club lol
I mean, technically I think he was beating his own body up right? Lol
.. Tyler Durden was beating himself up
Omg
So just like fight club then
The story about the girl that spent nights walking in her room as a child literally made me cry. She never had a childhood that she deserved and the illnesses that took it away from her also took her life.
My son goes “she’s pretty, she has pink hair. Can I have blue hair to be sonic?”
Long story short, my 4 year old now has blue hair because of you lol
omg thats the cutest
So cute. 😆
I love when parents let their kids dye their hair.
Why are you showing your 4 year old heavy videos like this?
@@marichu899 i don’t think she was purposely showing her four year old son a video like this. he probably just happened to see what his mom was listening to.
@@DYMNDI I hope so
I feel so horrible for kids staring donuts 🍩 and thinking “where can i puke this?”.
❤️
Donuts never came up easy 😒 😅
@@michellewalsh7369 pasta is worse
@@rekishimasemi1214 yeah, you right! 😆 my sinuses burn just thinking about it
@@rekishimasemi1214 and pizza! pizza was hell to hack up
Have you ever thought about writing? You’re an excellent story teller, and I bet an essay collection about your ED history would be killer!
He's a writer for living if I'm not mistaken, I think it's just fiction for now though
@@cielcanterville1834 (he?? pretty sure that's a woman)
@@i.j.morrow4925 He's trans, but can't transition for medical reasons - there's a video of him talking about it
@@cielcanterville1834 oh okay, i wasn't sure if that was an attempt at misgendering but i understand now
Wtf no way she's transgender wtf totally not expected
How old could this lady possibly be?! She was 20 in the early 2000s?!? **applies eye cream manically**
So... 40 I guess? She clearly has had surgeries though, so I don't think she's above botox and fillers. Eye creams seem like a joke.
She’s 35, but I agree that she looks young and gorgeous!!
@@zorgnaxstash Well 35 is very young still...
@@simonak9769 As a 30-year-old, I couldn’t agree more lol 😂
@@zorgnaxstash Sometimes people are like "O my god she looks so good for 30 - something!" and honestly idk what to say, she/he isnt ancientxd its not that you past 30 and magicaly transform to granma, most people i know look almost the same like they were in twenties.
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Skinny feels like cold and dizzy and dissociation if I remember right. I do miss it though. I had achieved invisibility. Is your metabolism totally fu(kd now?( I ate Dexatrim like it was Pez.) Mine is. I have never been able to make myself vomit. I never purged.
I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you're doing better now
Yep, and as horrible as it felt, being cold, dizzy, tired, and hungry would give me a sense of pride and happiness. Because I knew I felt that way because I was starved, and it would make me think I was “successful”. :(
To me, skinny feels like spontaneous paranoia and constant nausea. Glad im omw out of it
How do I get Dexatrim in the current year? I remember wanting to take it when I was a kid, but it was banned when I was old enough to get it. Right now I take Bronkaid, but it doesn't work that well.
I never purged with. I remember telling someone I knew how to lose 8 pounds in 8 days with dexatrim and grapefruit juice. I remember the look of horror too.
I'm 49. 49!!!...and still dealing with this nightmare. I've gotten professional help, several times, but it's a beast. Keep trying, keep hanging on Friends...I truly believe recovery is possible and it's worth it.
I'm gonna be turning 34 soon and though I'm not physically struggling I always want to go back to my ED I had.
My moms 54 and still struggling
you got this, girlies!!! ❤️❤️ y’all are strong and beautiful and recovery is the best option!!!
Try to remind yourself that EDs are disorders of habit. You’re addicted to specific actions and thought patterns. You have to retrain your brain through positive affirmations that will interrupt and drown out your negative thoughts. Stop pinching your skin and staring at the mirror. Cry through the pain and say your affirmations. You may want to look into the carnivore diet if it is a nutritional problem but also if you’re used to restriction, this might help you slowly start introducing some foods. Don’t give up. I believe in you.
@@KP-ej7gc Thanks!
honestly i’ve never heard anyone speak so outwardly about anorexia and i feel like these kind of conversations should be normalized. it does seem parallel to many addictions
Unrelated that lipstick is absolute fire
Her whole look is on point 💖💜
@@daisyhinojosa23 the ear piece is soooo pretty 💞
I literally keep staring at her lips cuz it’s so amazing
Was waiting for this comment!!
@@taste.of.ashes. I love that war piece..The whole look is just stunning.
I’ve spent over 20 grand on new teeth due to purging as a teen. There’s so much that people don’t talk about, I’m glad to see there’s other people that are willing to speak up about it.
I'm going thru the same thing now. It's a nightmare. The pain, the cost, the stress, having to explain why im barely in my mid 20s and have horrible enamel issues.
Girl same. 😓It is so difficult to lose teeth at a relatively young age. I'm in my mid 20s too and it's so embarrassing having to go to the dentist and they're all like wtf happened. I am about to have to get my fourth tooth removed. Have shed many tears (and a ton of money) over my on going dental issues. 😓
I’m so sorry. I only purged on and off for a few years because I get nauseous easily but have a hard time Actually throwing up. Sometimes I feel like that was what saved me from getting too involved in the whole cycle for too long. It can be absolutely all consuming. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t even remember the last time I purged. I wish you all the best, truly..
I was bulimic with a friend and a tip she gave me was eat 5 rennies 10 min before to protect your teeth
@@cj7227 that’s a good tip! I wish I would have done more to protect mine, but at this point they’re all fake lol
“Like many of the other girls who were older, I’d moved on to substance abuse”.. holy shit I’ve never felt so seen 😂
She said that as I read this ahaha
Exactly. It was like the boot camp to how you could hide hard drug use from others as a later teenager.
Yup, went down that road myself.
I remember being told years ago, that there was a theory that the addiction of an ED and the addiction of Substance abuse (drugs, narcos, booze) are flip sides of the same coin.
Drug addiction is just as life ruining but not quite as painful as anorexia imo (speaking from a recovered anorexic and benzo addict)
Does anyone else notice that every time she says “and uh” it sounds like she’s saying “Ana” and I can’t stop hearing it lol
Lmao 😅
I know I thought it was a meta joke at first
Yep
Yo same
Yasssss
Your story got me thinking. I had a boyfriend who's parents owned a Sizzler (an all you can eat place) in California and he told me when he worked there he would have to serve these skeleton girls who would just sit there for hours, eat huge plates and go to the bathroom every half hour and leave puke everywhere for them to clean up.
Good Lord
😶😶😶
Good god
I hate when people pull that crap, there are people in the world who go to bed hungry every night. So sick.
@@paulbouffard3449 hey don’t shame people with eating disorders. they already feel like garbage, there’s no need
I remember Tumblr was a wild place for ED when I was 12/13 and there was a website that literally listed off advice for purging, I’d honestly say it played a leading role in my spicy relationship with eating. Knowing I had that constant 24hr encouragement not to eat and lose weight made me so much more committed and ‘addicted’ to losing weight.
where can i find this website?
@@jessicamoore7975 gurl dont😭
I used to have anorexia. Not any more. I’m actually watching this eating marshmallows. Hugs to those who suffer though 🤗
Congratulations, you did amazing 🥺
Marshmallows are mostly air.
I'm watching this eating tofu ❤️
@@obiwan-in-a-pudding2909 it's still an upgrade
I'm so happy for you!
I remember the "Skinny Commandments" and the extremes we took to justify EDs to each other. Looking back it feels absolutely mental. Thank you for sharing.
As someone that is in recovery from both anorexia and heroin addiction I agree that often the people getting offended by jokes about ‘sensitive topics’ have no personal experience with them. People often use humor to cope, it isn’t abnormal. I find it more offensive to tell someone that they aren’t allowed to talk about their own experience candidly.
Definitely agree on this
I always joked when I got cancer that if I knew that’s all it’d take to get thin I wouldn’t have wasted 6 and 7 years on anorexia😂🤦🏻♀️
Agh, I’m almost in the exact same situation. Except I relapsed on the opiates this past week and it feels impossible to imagine my life without them. It’s kinda devastating.
@@gelitrippingkiddo5907 That’s really hard, I’m sorry that is your situation right now. I relapsed several times before I got clean and even one time after I was clean for like two years I relapsed so I know how difficult it can be. You probably don’t need advice from a stranger but get help/detox sooner rather than later if you are able. If you can’t or aren’t ready then in the meantime please look up some harm reduction techniques and programs in your area like needle exchanges if they are available. See if your area (or better yet online right now) has SMART Recovery or Moderation Management or other groups that would be able to support you right now without you needing to already be clean. The former is science based recovery while the latter is focused on harm reduction and moderation rather than a mandatory goal of complete abstinence.
While AA/NA is probably the easiest to find I don’t personally recommend it because I think it can be detrimental and hasn’t been proven to be effective but that is up to you. Also if you use reddit the subreddit r/opiates can be helpful with harm reduction as well but can also sometimes be triggering so just know that, but there is also r/opiatesrecovery which is more focused but less populated. Sorry for the long reply but I just know how hard it is to feel like you have completely fucked everything up and there’s no way out. It’s really hard to get started, find all the resources, find what works and what doesn’t for you and that can be so daunting. If you need someone to talk to let me know if there is somewhere I can PM you. Stay safe ❤️
I feel like the people that get offended usually have someone in their lives who is struggling with something like that, so to them it’s not funny. They don’t realize that when we make jokes about our struggles it’s our way of coping.
Refreshing to hear someone mention the co-morbitity of eds and substance abuse. Pro ana and 90s "heroin chique" lead directly to my heroin addiction.
Heroin chic led to my opiate addiction too :( I hope one day I can replicate the style without feeling like I need to do the drugs.
I don't suppose you got your stuff in glassine bags did you?
Thank you for covering this... My mom was part of a pro ana group from the late 90's to near 2010. It greatly influenced the way my siblings and I viewed health and weight growing up, and led me to follow suit later on. We thought it was normal because nobody talked about it... and when I found out it wasn't normal- I did whatever I could to hide it. It never goes away, the thought process never goes away. But, back then- it was kind of normal.
It’s crazy how much that happens. You’re parents can be completely fucking batshit, but they’re the ones that teach you all the little things about life. Can GREATLY fuck you up in the long run
Could have been worse.
At least it wasn't both parents... 😏
My mother is anorexic and has been for decades. She's now almost 60. I grew up with an eating disorder and my sister who is in college still has one. I'm the "fattest" one in the family at 175 pounds (average for my height and build) but I am also the healthiest and the happiest. Let me tell you, having a parent with an eating disorder is the absolute worst. I've never met someone else who's mother openly had an eating disorder as well. Nice to know I'm not alone in that.
@@mlev1111 this terrifies me, this really does terrify me. I now have two kids and i wouldn't wish any of this crap on them. Services have told me, and assured me that me having an insight means that i can help look out for pitfalls and dangers for them. Now i just feel like a shit mum and a danger to everyone.
@@lostindisorder If I'm interpreting what you're saying correctly, and correct me if I'm wrong, you're a mum with an eating disorder? If this is true, all I can say to you is number one, get help. If you can't recover for yourself, recover for your children. Number two, your children see everything. Legitimately. Everything.
I am older and we didn't have internet in the late 70s and early 80s. My biggest memory was a train ride to Toronto where I met a girl and we talked about the best fast food to binge and purge on.
One thing I've learned from my time on the internet is that the "put a bunch of mentally ill people who are friends online together in the real world" thing never really works out. Bonus points if they're not in a stage where they understand that they're mentally ill yet too.
For me it was very rare to find someone who had a lot in common with me besides the mental struggles . Its kinda the only thing that bonds you . At least where im from thats the case
I was a stripper with an ED, the splash back glowing under blacklight on bare legs is real
Off topic completely- but could you do an entire video of stuff you still have from back in the 90s/00s? Clothes/accessories etc! I’d love to see them considering how eclectic and stylish you are!
knives0ut yesss
I would lovvveee to see that
I would love that! The late 90's and especially early 2000's was such a crazy time for fashion. I remember having these platform flip flops with blue flames on the side..lol
I’m a nurse and I work in a underage residential ED facility. We use DBT at our facility. I have some issues with the way things are ran because even though we have made scientific discoveries to better help us understand eating disorders and the brain, I still think we are way behind in treatment options. You offer a unique viewpoint that helps me to better understand my clients and to better help them within the program.
I'm glad you are actively trying to learn and be the most informed you can for those patients. Too often the ignorance there hurts people who are supposed to be helped. It's gotten much better over the years because of people like you :)
DBT is diabolical. You sound like you have a soul so please- educate EVERYONE around you - that NO people who are mentally ill are traumatised and do not need to challenge their traumas. They need support and encouragment Honestly at the moment I think the NHS is one big Eugenics machine.
@@MARSBELLA1 I was taught DBT for a number of months in a mental health treatment facility a while back, and we hardly ever talked about trauma. Mainly DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is just about regulating your emotions, and it’s usually used in the treatment of borderline personality disorder (which I have, and DBT has worked wonders for me).
The four pillars of DBT are:
- Emotion regulation
- Interpersonal effectiveness
- Mindfulness / grounding
- and Distress Tolerance.
It was developed by a therapist who has admitted to having BPD, Marsha Linehan, and is used for a wide variety of mental illness not just BPD.
I’m also taking psychology as my major, and with years and years of dealing with mental illness under my belt, I feel qualified to speak on this subject, that not everyone responds the same way to therapy and that it can be extremely helpful.
@@3005511 I agree.. I completed DBT and “diabolical” is the furthest thing from what I would describe it as... it doesn’t work on everyone but it’s mainly up to your own attitude.
@@MARSBELLA1 DBT is just basically DIY therapy. Its coping skills for when you are in a crisis and helps challenge your irrational thoughts and behaviors. It wont help everyone, but it has at least helped me a lot with my mental health (BPD, no ED). It doesn't even have anything to do with challenging traumas.
Also side note: there are some people who DID challenge their trauma in therapy and it has helped them overcome their trauma. For some people facing the darkness has allowed them to bring light into their world.
What helps some people doesn't help others. That is why there is so many different kinds of therapy. Not one form will help everyone. It is not your place to decide what is helpful and what isn't for everyone.
Write a memoir about this time period and become the next Sylvia Plath
Agreed! I would read the shit out of that
...just without the suicide. Would read it.
@@ottfried-fischer-bauch6618 right lol
@@ottfried-fischer-bauch6618 and the anti-semitism
Bleeding from her face: I binge drink everyday, it's fine
Paramedics: checks out to me! Pack it up bois
Hardcore softporn ..nice username
When you said that eating disorders are an addiction everything in my head just clicked and suddenly so much made sense. Thank you
I love your uncensored take on eating disorders and addiction and mental health. I've struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder for years, I'm just now starting to get better. I really like your honest perspective on it, giving the good and the bad of every situation, just telling it as it is. I think it'd be interesting to hear your thoughts on how eating disorders have been portrayed in the media, mainly shows and movies like with Cassie from Skins or To The Bone or some of the movies that were supposed to be like PSAs but ended up popular on pro ana forums because they're triggering, mainly starving in suburbia which is probably the worst of them in my opinion. Obviously you don't have to do a video on that if you have no interest in it, but it is a fairly prevalent issue and people are always asking the question of whether movies or shows should be made displaying major mental illnesses because they will indefinitely be triggering to someone. I'd like to know your perspective on that.
Bro I’m recovered from ED and I watched TTB thinking I would be fine and it hit me like a truck! how the FUCK is that shit on netflix. I was shaking
@@gremlinwithstickyhands3704 I think it was good for spreading awareness for those who don't have an ED but things like that are SUPER fucking triggering to people in recovery, especially how much they showed her body. There were high and low points of it for me, but I feel like there definitely should have been a trigger warning.
I opened a new tab to watch the trailer for starving in suburbia because I've never heard of it and I have a morbid curiosity towards most things in life (I don't have an eating disorder so it wasn't particularly triggering to me) but the ad that played for the next video was for Sonobello weight loss. !!!! I- the internal rage I feel-and I don't even know where my anger should be directed; the youtube algorithm, google, the universe in general... Anyways...I just needed somewhere to rant for a second
@@kendrascraft1080 yea, YT sucks for this, if you watch a video about exposing make-money-fast scams, it has ads for make-money-fast scams. Yours is a particularly horrible example of it. They don't care what they're selling.
agreed ! (coming from someone currently in ed recovery (only recently got discharges) and also struggled with sh, ocd ,depression.. the list goes on) just hoping to get to a healthy lifestlye, n actually look after myself
When I was younger I simply barely ate, not on purpose, it did eventually end up in eating disorder... but before I knew I had a disorder someone gave me a red bracelet and said here it’ll help you find friends. Not looking back, considering I was never in the “culture” of it... was an odd thing for someone to do
I was the same way. I was aware of the forums but to boost my own badly wounded self esteem I felt "better than" and didn't get involved with them because I prided myself on being able to had done all of it in my own. I can't imagine what I would have been like had I gotten involved with them. I never considered myself ana until I was very well into. I just had a terrible relationship with food, and my mother was VERY very ana herself and was proana without the actual label. And she died of ana and alcoholism. I wish there had been this much info available then. I hope you're doing ok now.
@@SwedePotato314 - If you don’t mind sharing, when did you begin to realize that your mom was ana? Was it something that you subconsciously knew - was it the “hidden secret” in the family that no one talked about - or was it something that you became aware of as you got older?
that’s how mine started too
@@SwedePotato314 I’m doing great now. Some days are more difficult than others, because it wasn’t a control thing for me- I simply don’t get hungry, or I’ll take a couple bites and be full already. But I’ve gotten to where I now crave healthy foods, and I’ve gotten my weight up from 70lb to 145lb and staying steady at that weight for about 2 years now. My teeth are brittle still, and I still get sick often, but my hair is thicker and my skin is healthier :)
If you don't mind me asking, is there a possibility you had trouble eating because of sensory problems? I'm just aware there is a crossover autism/adhd esp. in girls, and eating disorders and not wanting to eat because of sensory problems is one way this occurs.
My mom literally supports me having an ED. She's so happy that I'm losing weight, that I'm "eating healthy". It sucks ngl.
god that's awful I'm so sorry. Pls do whatever you can do to ignore her and stay safe
@@rachelnikiforou4639 I really try my best, but when I try she points out that I'm being unhealthy
Lots of women interiorize the oppression and pass it on.
That's not eating healthy tho
@@DebraBakerls I'm aware
I joke about my self harm habits a lot (I'm lucky over them) and the ppl that get /really/ offended are always the ones that have never ever in their lives even seen a self harm scar.
Same!
same 😅
It might depend on the community? I've noticed for (child sexual) abuse & the consequences on mental health it can have afterwards, myself and others who have gone through it can be a bit protective/serious about it. Of course there are folks who've been through it and joke about it (I have seen this online). I'll say it would probably show that I have reached reached a certain level of healing if I personally could joke a bit, as it would show I can validate myself, I know what happened was wrong and is wrong, I don't stand for it etc, BUT I can point out the absurdity of the horrible situation. And not let it kill me more. But since it is something I feel isn't taken as seriously as it should (with some folks tip toeing the line at times or defending some offenders), it is hard for me.
Do your experiences with the self-harm community relate to this? What's your take on being able to joke about situations that are horrible but society sometimes doesnt take it serious enough to aid those being hurt by it?
@@airari24 I've got sexually abused as a kid too and I'm definetly not healed from it. I don't really mind joking about it with friends but I can't stand the "haha uncle is rapey" jokes online
@@bittybuta3756 That's understandable. I don't like those types of jokes either, tbh. Thank you for responding to my comment. You didn't have to share that but you chose to and I'm grateful for your opinion.
I'm shocked that the paramedics let her go, they really shouldn't have.
I heard that and was like "what the fuck she was unresponsive two minutes ago and now she's capable of consenting???"
@@marthaj.patterson7539 that's not a medical criteria. Whether or not you're capable of consenting or refusing a medical interventions depends on your status when you exercise that right, not the situation five or ten minutes ago. Insisting on taking someone against their will when they've expressed said will is legally, kidnapping, and could absolutely cost them their jobs
I'm shocked at the way they spoke to them about mental health ):
There’s only so much they can do.
I'm mentally ill and dealt with a lot of things growing up, but EDs were something I never touched. It's so fascinating listening to the raw, unfiltered stories and outlook you have after going through it. I have no idea why you were recommended on my feed, but I am so happy I discovered your channel!
@Sara C shut up, no one asked for your input
Me accidently ending up on ED twitter through an internet friend was what made me start restricting and eventually ending up in a hospital. So as interesting and "fun" as these stories are, please don't be intruiged to discover or delve into them further. Even if you're totally "healthy", it could trigger something within you that you didn't know existed
I completely agree. I see so many people linking pro Ed websites thinking that they’re helping. They’re not. It’s truly awful. Please don’t seek out these websites
definitely i never thought there was any chance i could develop an ED, until one day i realised i had- though looking back there were signs- vegetarianism, faking allergies to avoid food, obsessively tracking my food intake, making rules…
be careful (:
dove too deep, consumed in ed content, bodychecking daily
ive had an ed for a while and i recently accedently ended up on ed twt its made it all worst
ED twitter gets dark real quick lol
The colored bracelets are still a thing :(
I remember constantly listening to pro-ana music in middle and high school as well
they are??
what's pro-ana music?
Unrelated but damn I never thought I would see park bom in a pfp ever again. I’m being taken back to my high school days when I was a huge stan of her.
@@thecyclopsofrainbowleaf music but like ED
@@thecyclopsofrainbowleaf playlists that are supposed to inspire you or motivate you, or songs that are about the disorder or weight. I still cannot listen to Creep by Radiohead because it brings me back to my worst days with the disorder and makes me cry because of the memories and negative thoughts from then even though it never impacted me like that before the ED. Pro ana forums had songs like this but I also had seen lots of playlists made on TH-cam back in the day, around 2007-2009 ish. The TH-cam videos often had thinspo photos to them
It’s really depressing that
it’s not just a disorder it’s a competition, the comparison
between the people’s bodies scars people because it encourages it further 😭💓
And it's also a competition with yourself. Your brain keeps setting this standard of you that looks thinner, even if it's distorted, and you kind of detach yourself from your thoughts, only hearing that you'll be worth a damn when you look "this small". And it gets smaller and smaller each and every time
I remember my Ana, And being absolutely obsessed with Cassie from skins.
Yeppppp
exactly
Yes! I never watched the show seriously, but I only watched episodes about her ed.
@@gothginger6396 it’s a great show though - highly recommended
Yesss haha
It’s sad to think about how many of these kids didn’t survive their EDs.
"It was oviously an anorexic meetup because everyone got the same"
Me: black coffee?
"Black coffee, with sweetener"
Omg the uv light i died! Yes each one is "allowed" to joke about their own sttruggles because everyone knows where their boundaries are and what is allowed to be a joke and what hurts to say/hear or they way it's said.
That's what I assumed too. I'm watching my weight and I drink only water and black coffee. However, I am just watching my weight and prefer my coffee black.
Lmao i did the same thing
Where do they do theses meetups now?
The back splash bit was so funny to me 😂 i always hid my bolimia but i came across this video and i never realized People with eds joked and related about them its was verry comforting to me 😭😭
literally the entire ed community had the same thought at that point in the video
it's absolutely hilarious and I love it
If I didn't laugh at my prescription drug addiction and alcohol addiction I would have never made it through detox and rehab three times. I have 15 years completely sober, not even a cigarette or marijuana. I earned the right to make the most offensive jokes about MY addictions and so has anyone else who has LIVED through it.
Congratulations! That’s a huge achievement and joke away!
Amen to that!
This video was like reading a William Burroughs novel.
Wille B is dope
Omg I just listened to maybe one third, or half of Naked Lunch few days ago and I can't believe I waited 27 years to read it
@@b.mcknight8686 what is it like? I haven’t read it or any of his books
I feel so terrible that I still haven't read any WB, what is wrong with me?!! :O I knew an addict who promised to steal me one of his books from Waterstones once, & I was like, yeahh, so, don't do that, ok, I'll use Amazon! O_O ...but I still haven't! He had his literary ambitions straighter than mine - I need to fix that!
i read a novel by william burroughs when i was in the depths of my ED 😂😂😂 for it recced to me by my pro-and friends
the way she approaches this topic is such a breath of fresh air
No hate at all but Dorian uses he/they pronouns :D
OH GOD THE RED BRACELETS
did u and ur pro-ana buddies jam to “diet pills, lip gloss, mary kate, kate moss” too? 😂🤣
I've never heard this, also cannot find it anywhere...
@@cafe_rae it's Anorexia by Fakebestfriend. The only version I can find is in TH-cam and credits Jeffree Star but it's definitely by fakebestfriend
I still have a whole damn playlist somewhere of ED songs. I would put them on when I went running.
YES the red bracelets really took me back
Oh dear god no xD it's been a while since I've thought of FakeBestFriend, but when I'm relapsing with exercise that sodding push-up song by them comes to my head. I hate it with a passion yet it's there. Along with quotes from magazines that used to be sent out via SMS when i had my first phone. This is all making me feel old, and sad.
14 years ago I developed anorexia and as a 14 year old at the time the thinspo and pro ana community on youtube quickly swallowed me.. I made the red bracelets, I made the typical videos with pictures, the typical songs in the background and the typical quotes and posted on youtube. I joined blogs and had penpals. I’m horrified when I think back at it. I am very happy that I got out of it and that I’m healthy today.
The early 2000s were wild. It was totally normal to practice eating disorder behavior in every day life, at least where I went to middle school and high school. I second what everyone else is saying here - you should consider writing personal essays or memoirs or anything based on your experience. You’re an amazing storyteller. x
I think I don’t let myself consider what I went through as anorexia bc I never got to a deadly weight...it’s almost like I don’t want to claim that bc I think i wasn’t anorexic “enough” ...but I exhibited all the symptoms and remember being so cold, shaking, counting calories and freaking out if I got to 800 calories in a day, and being miserable and losing hair...and constantly crying and weighing myself bc I NEEDED to be thin. I always have to remind myself that anorexia isn’t one thing but there’s many levels to it and everything is valid and needs attention.
I still deal with my eating disorder to this day and probably will for the rest of my life. It’s awful and it hurts my heart to see people go through it bc I know how it feels.
theres no way right way to anarexia. what you've been through is valid and i wish you a smooth recovery
Anorexia Is not about weight. You are anorexic even if u're not super skinny. Anorexia is about mind.
@@deadflowers5897 yeah, that was always hard for me to grasp and I think I didn’t want to admit it to myself, saying “well i’m not deathly skinny so haha i don’t have this illness”
Don't invalidate your struggle! You have still had the same feelings as the rest of us. No matter what weight you hit. It's better you didn't get deathly skinny, that means you recovered before it was potentially too late. I'm overweight now and I would still consider myself anorexic a good amount of the time.
I hope you're doing better. It's important to remember that weight is only a symptom of this illness and your struggles are valid regardless if you don't meet their "criteria".
I remember crying to doctors about my bulimia when I was 19 and they didn't take me seriously because my BMI was on the low end of "healthy" at that time even though my dentist recently pointed out my teeth were already being to erode and pointed this out to my mother after my wisdom teeth were pulled.
They only took me seriously after met the "criteria" in regards to being underweight .
I think if someone would have listened to me early I wouldn't be where I'm at today.
My eating disorder (circa early to mid 2000's) kind of turned into a drug addiction (mid to late 2000's and onward), with which I've struggled with on and off since it started. They went hand in hand, my ED and drug addiction, often times. I was homeless for a little while, deep in a heroin addiction, and I was happy I didn't have money to eat food, I saw it as a way to control food. Luckily today I am clean (aside from weed- which I personally don't see as a problem) and healthy, I'm turning 30 next year, and I feel healthier than I've been in forever.
Good job Lauren!
proud of u bb
@@Gir0107 thank you 💖
Our stories share many similarities. Glad you are doing better now!
Nice !!!
You’re my absolute favorite person to listen to. The way you speak so eloquently and describe your emotions is refreshing and engaging. I love your accent too, all around great TH-camr
I second this!
What accent is it? Which part of England?
Me, an emetophobe, casually going out for a meal and encountering a binge purge meet up gang: 😱😱😱
same😔
I’m sorry this made me laugh so hard
This would literally be the worst nightmare for me 😱😂
@@pesupallo6508 I would be out that restaurant SO fast.
@@KaffMoff Me too. Also avoid going to any restaurants ever again in fear of seeing something like that again-
I was part of a pro ana community and was an active bulimic too. I had a red bracelet too. I lost a lot of weight, to the point my periods stopped for almost a whole year. Sigh. Now I’m a little overweight and working to getting fit again (blame lockdown ), but I’m happy and confident.
And we love you for that 😙🤌❤️
I am so proud of you. I know I don’t know you but you’re doing so well. Sending much love
I’m glad that you’re healthy
Being a little overweight means you’re healthy, I hope you get your fitness goals!
Or, atleast, it means you’re hopefully doing better. I know a lot of people never get out of the mindset, even after recovering physically
As an American who was part of of the pro-Ana movement back in the day, I loved watching this video because someone finally understands it. It was so ridiculous. And your soapbox of us making fun of our own struggles... my goodness YES! I make people so uncomfortable with my jokes. They’re offended and I’m laughing. I just wanna shake your hand for this video. You’re a gem.
Hi Cass! Verrrrrry long stretch here, but your not from CA, right? A teacher? Used to visit chatzy to speak with Bex, BT, and Jeny? I hope/wish it was you! Have been really concerned! If not, still hope you're doing well!
@@danescarman8640 I am not from CA. And I am doing fairly well actually. Finished a 4.5 month stay in an eating disorder program in MN last February to June. And thank you 😊 hope you find the cassie you’re looking for.
The sweetener thing was so true for me too! I’d eat them by themselves and put 7-9 in a small coffee. I’d sprinkle it on everything even salads. 😱
Lol OK you win with the salad! 😉 I’ve been recovered for years but that whole part sure triggered memories... I actually prefer coffee black except for when I was in the worst of my anorexia - then I was the opposite! By now I’m not even having caffeinated drinks daily and I would’ve thought like never be able to do that.. Sometimes things change dramatically. Hope you’re doing well!
God, this video was so sad. Fascinating but terribly sad. As a teenager who suffered with mental illness I remember how lonely and hopeless it all felt and this kind of meet up would have made me absolutely spiral.
I was such a “pro” at being bulimic that it got to the point that I didn’t need to put my fingers down my throat to puke I just needed to think about it and “order” my brain to puke just to do it
pulling your stomach and throat muscles and repeating “do it, do it,” i know exactly what you mean
look mum, no hands!
Congrats!
Oh I do hope the girl who wrote her username in puke is okay now. She sounds like a pure gem of a personality. I'm sorry it had to be displayed in a way that was so dangerous to her wellbeing. We need people with that sense of humor around. It is one of the reasons I'm so glad I found your channel. I am glad you got well too because you really are such fun, and I say this as someone who has never had an ED. It's like trying to understand another world that is the opposite to anything I know.
Um that girl was Gretchen
She died at 32 years old
Sorry to have to tell you
@@xainabshuja4215 Aww man. Poor young woman. I can't imagine being in that depth of pain, but Ms Gretchen appears to have had a strong sense of the ridiculous that was with her even at the worst of times.
@@xainabshuja4215 why she died? :(
@@tiredofrunning she died of anorexia :( it's in one of her other videos :((
I think a major attraction of these forums at the time was simply being a part of something when it felt like I didn’t belong anywhere else.
Oh man, the vomit splattered jeans 💀
They're great at story telling. Their voice is so engaging.
@@thescenecat Oh. Appreciate the correction. I don't know them personally and have not seen many of their videos, so it's good to know what pronouns they prefer. ✌
@@thescenecat they used the right pronouns lol. If someone pronouns are he/they you can call them they
comment says (edited) so they probably used she and changed it after being corrected.
The last part reminds me of when I was in rehab - I was there for a very hardcore addiction and there were young girls there for EDs as well. They had their own group therapy but in certain lectures or free time everyone could mingle and you could just see it happening. They would start asking questions about what drugs I took, how did I get them, did these curb appetite as much as everyone says? I totally shut down and refused to answer but some people didn’t realize and would continue conversing. One girl with a severe ED straight up texted me afterwards when we had finished the program and asked me if I could help her score. They should never have mixed the patients like that. But in another note thanks for the stories you are a great storyteller and I see the humour in some of the dark moments as well.
Group therapy was one of the worst things I was ever put in. Loved the people I met there, but it really set me back in lots of ways.
Ya know... When I was in inpatient/psych they mixed the groups as well. I never thought of how bad it could be.
@@d_inkz totally agree.
Damn group therapy sounds a lot like jail/prison. If you're not getting better you're only learning how to get worse
@@delicateghoul yea, and we quite quickly formed that "Us vs Them" bond, they hadn't been through it, they didn't understand us like we understood each other etc. Feels supportive but doesn't help with your issues at all.
i got into pro-ana culture when i was around 10. fasting, purging and forcing myself to do all those things has left me with a heart problem. my heart is now really weak and i keep having very fast heartbeats whenever i just don't eat.
experiencing this leaves you with more than just a scarred mind. looking back, i would definitely describe this entire culture as very cult-like. i remember girls talking about ana in 3rd person, like it's some deity of any kind
@ejemplo2222 thanks for the unsolicited advice... but i highly doubt my medical state is any of your concern, especially since you don't even know what issues with my heart i have exactly.
I hate thinking about the fact I've spent 13 years being fearful of being the 'fattest one in the room'
I still have an issue with this. I size people up everywhere I go- it’s so messed up. And the irony is not lost on me that I am doing to others exactly what I am most afraid they are doing to me. I’ve gotten so much better in so many ways, but the sickness just loves to creep in sometimes 😞
are you okej with being the fattest in the room now?
The fact that the pub owner didn't take responsibility and call an ambulance from the get go is mind boggling
The fact the ambulance just was like “sure you can go even though you just talked about killing yourself” like what kind of medically trained person just lets that happen??
They can’t force you to go. If the police are called and deem you a threat then they can commit you but the paramedics can’t do anything but try to convince you to go
[TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, mental hospitals, medical neglect]
im in new zealand and im trying to recover from a mental breakdown right now that ive been having since maybe the 28th of december. since im not rich i have to go through the underfunded public mental health system. i was feeling very very suicidal and took myself to the ED because i knew i needed to be in a safer environment before i got too determined. i tried for numerous nights, camping out in the emergency room and waiting every day to be seen by the crisis team psychiatrist, telling them i was suicidal and that i wasnt safe to go home. i couldnt shower or anything lmao. they turned me down every day until they finally decided to put me in a bed in the emergency ward since there were no spaces in the mental ward. after a few nights in the emergency ward they transferred me to the mental ward. i started to get a bit better, but then on the 5th(?) day i had a meeting with a psychiatrist who told me i was being discharged from the hospital to make room for another patient. i had a huge mental breakdown, screaming and crying and hallucinating from the stress, told them i was going to kill myself if they sent me home, but they threatened to get security to drag me out and in the end i just had to leave. i went home and the next day i tried to kill myself like i said i would. they didnt admit me after that either lol its like i used up my hospital stay allowance in their eyes. thankfully im still alive, but i found out after i got discharged that a patient had actually committed suicide in the mental ward i was in in 2019.
TLRD:
sometimes there arent enough resources in mental healthcare to administer healthcare even when a person is at obvious risk, because politicians that are in charge of healthcare budgets are rich enough to have access to private healthcare and dont understand what is actually happening to patients.
also, in nz mental hospitals in my experience you get almost no treatment. they fucked up my prescriptions and wouldnt give me the right amounts of meds and you get NO therapy (again just what ive experienced out of 3 pretty short stays).
@@MC-tl5bf it's honestly SO time for a revolution. Pump all that wealth that is wasted on the rich into the public sector and get something that SHOULD be so basic like (mental) healthcare funded properly. What the fuck kind society (not even talking New Zealand specifically, most countries are like this I'm afraid) would allow this to happen to its people?
Good on you for staying determined and I wish you all the strength to deal with a system that is doing everything it can not to deal with you. Keep going mate, even when you feel alone, you have friends and companions all over the world.
and the fact she hit her head on the concrete?? they should of taken her for a scan incase of a concussion
When I was begging for help because I was planning to kill myself, they just told my mum to hide the scissors. Suicide prevention in the medical field is kind of shit.
"You had to protect this magic at all costs" - that gave me chills. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
the pub owner should have called an ambulance, I'll bet she was afraid of getting sued/prosecuted. geez!
Draining our health services in such a selfish way...Dorian's still doing this with Suicide hotlines and Mental Hospitals and lying to doctors to get pills.... Dorian should be arrested for this abuse.
@@britneygoth3811 mental illnesses are illnesses, it's not like people choose to have them, but even if someone is hurt or in danger because of their own irresponsible behavior they still deserve help, should we let people who ride motorcycles die if they have an accident? no, even though we could argue they knew the risks. re: Dorian's "abusing the system" how do you know? Do you have any evidence for that? that's quite a claim to make without proof based on watching someone's videos.
@@britneygoth3811 this is a really weird and unrelated comment. Also, good job for making nasty assumptions about someone who talks about their struggles. You don't know them.
Britney Goth people who are ill using services intended for the ill? Jings, crivens! Alert the fucking Sun they’re gonna be all over this one!!
It’s so strange to hear things about people being teenagers in 2004 cuz like ... I was born in that year. It’s wild
I know this is a weird thing to get from the video but I just wanted to comment
For me it's wild to hear about people born around 2004 who are teenagers now, cuz I was a sophomore in highschool at that point 🤣
same 😬
Yeah ikr so was I
This literally goes for every year to have ever existed and to come.
I know for a fact that if I met up with the girls I spoke to on tumblr growing up to enable my ed behaviors I would have probably died. Back then I was annoyed that my parents were so wary of me going out and strict, but definitely see it as a blessing in disguise. I despise the fact that I can see how these meetups are fun because my old ed brain is like "oh my god that'd be the dream" but my current brain is like "this breaks my fucking heart." I loved this honest, unapologetic video. Gives people who don't know anything of the topic some actual, true insight.
As someone who currently has an ED, this is INSANE
i hope you’re doing alright today and things are getting better
Good Luck!
❤️❤️
get better girl i’ll be praying for you
I hope you recover
I hope you're doing better now, good luck!! ❤️
I only discovered your channel in the last month and I’ve watched almost everything! I love how you speak and how you handle issues and yourself so wonderfully!
they're amazing at storytelling, i watched one of their videos while i was high and i thought it was some sort of angelic creature speaking to me about how to fix my shit for some reason? everything just connected so hard with how my life was at that moment
That’s exactly why I love this channel!
I'm so glad that you brought up laughing at your own experience. I joke about my SA and one time someone went "dont joke about that, you never know who's experienced it." And I just gaped
its true, though?? Just bc you joke about your own doesnt mean everyone who has is comfortable with that. As a person who has experienced it multiple times, Id ask anyone who joked abt SA, even their own to not to around me. I can make light of a lot but not that... Have you ever considered that person possibly experienced SA and wasnt comfortable with you making light of it? Theres nothing wrong with asking someone to not joke abt a serious topic around you.
@@josiescites7933 it was the assumption of "you haven't been through this so you have no right to joke about it." That came with the question. If I had been asked, hey can you please not joke about that I'd have apologized. But just like you say I should consider they might have gone through it they should've done the same with me.
@@josiescites7933 and i wasn't asked. I was told. I was told don't joke about this horrible thing that happened to you because the way you deal with it may not be the way others like to deal with it