The lightbulb went off so many times in my head during this video. Two of my favorite insights: 1. Understanding that we focus on flaws and making our partners less attractive in our minds a strategy to minimize the pain of rejection. It is a protective mechanism for the pain of rejection that ultimately creates distance in relationships. 2. Understanding that when I get irritated or annoyed at someone, it's more than likely that a boundary was crossed. Now I know that when that happens, I need to open my mouth and actually have a conversation with them about my boundaries and expectations. Thank you, your content is always so insightful!
Besides your excellent and very relevant content, I really appreciate the very loving and affirming way you deliver it. Two things that always make me smile and feel joy… you start with “i am really glad you are here” and you end with “you are absolutely good enough as you are”. Your message truly touches my heart and feels healing. I love you for that.
Right in the middle of an “upset” with my partner, we took a step away and I watched this video because I didn’t know why I was feeling so strange- this was SO helpful and will help me explain to my partner what happened in my head and why! Thank you so much
Thank you so much for this! I finally understand what my wife has been going through. I've not seen her in 3 months. And she won't talk about her feelings so I was lost in anxiety without the faintest idea what she is going through. Your videos really shine a light and I almost certainly know this is what she's going through
This was very helpful! I find myself getting annoyed constantly. Sometimes I feel like hate my partner for no reason. Or I hate them for being themselves. Especially helpful was the bit about the partner doing something that other people might disapprove of and how that threatens our security and belonging. I hadn't thought about that before. I have a hard time recognizing my own needs but at the same time I don't feel like I can support my partners needs either. This helped me to realize that I expect my partner to fix and save me.
Hmm hating them for being themselves can actually be a mirror to you feeling like it's dumb, silly, or straight up threatening to be yourself.. Can you allow yourself to be yourself more? The more you can, the more you can enjoy other people being themselves usually!
This really spoke a lot to me! I have been dating my bf for 7 months now and everything has been great but I feel like recently I’m just a bit more annoyed at him for no reason at all when he’s literally being the same person he’s always been, kind, attentive, sweet. And I feel super guilty about it😭 I just sometimes wonder if we’re compatible and I feel like things progressed way faster with us than I wanted them to in the beginning (in terms of commitment) (but that’s also my fault for not speaking up about it to spare his feelings) and now I feel like I’m lowkey trapped bc I do genuinely love him but I don’t know if we’re super compatible. When the one point was being sick or unhappy etc i felt that cos I’m sick right now and life is just overwhelming for me. And meeting someone elses needs right now seems too much when I can’t even meet my own 😢🤦🏽♂️
Compatibility? What is this script of "compatibility"? I suggest you to read about Imago therapy (beside the amazing contents Paulien is providing us with) so that you can slowly get out of your denial and your idealisation (an infant's way to protect oneself from emotions). There's no such thing as "compatibility". There's love, hard work, courage and stepping our from pre-verbal behaviors (trauma reactivity). Women SHOULD get out of pre-verbal fear brain or they will impact negatively their men, kids, family and the overal society.
You are so spot on! Im so grateful for you! Your channel is by far the best on FA. Its amazing to listen to someone explain the crazy ways I respond and confuses myself and the person Im involved with. You are a gift! ❤
I get really annoyed with my mum sometimes. Now i know why 😅i should try growing up, not idealizing her, seeing her as a flawed human instead. Not wanting her to be more than she is. Interesting insights I gain here, thanks Paulien 😁
That’s currently what I’m going through. I couldn’t have articulated it better. I’m the girl though and I’m frustrated w my boyfriend for embarrassing me in front of my friends. It honestly comes out of my own insecurity but I also just want him to be cool and normal and personable in those situations. Are you guys still together?
Thankyou so much for your wisdom and generosity in sharing your lived experience. I always get so much from the lived experience of healing. I can resonate so much in everything you say. Love the tapping. Ive tried it before and ive never had such an instant healing effect. I think maybe in the past my mind was in the way...maybe looking for something to happen, as if by magic. I had no expectations and feeling quite vulnerable and instantly tears were flowing and the release has been ongoing. Alot of sadness in knowing the decades of time that has passed that I was not able to allow love in. I feel like Ive missed out on so much, and, I am intrigued and excited and a little tentative...vulnerable and maybe a bit fearful to be exposed, rejection maybe if I share myself in not such a beautiful way? but I know its soo important and the most important way to express myself from now, theres no going back. Its going to be interesting to see how things have changed with the man i've been spending time with. So much gratitude to you
Simply put: You've done amaizing jop with this video. Exactly what I needed to hear to better understand my fearful avoidant man. (I'm anxious preocupied) Thank you for sharing that
I really resonate and love your videos. I'd find it extremely helpful if you made a few videos about how to heal core wounds, how to identify our needs/meet them, and how to set boundaries/identify them
I feel like my ex did this to me. He was stressed, overworked and got sick and I offered to come help but he refused and within two days he ended things saying he just didn't feel like he felt the desire for commitment and I deserved better.
Whenever I felt I am being excluded, being treted as a pile of dirt I have rage in me. I dont understand how I can percieve my self as equal to anyone, this inferiority takes me.
I feel triggered & angry constantly to where my partners never feel "good enough" and i push them away. its so hard to deal with and i dont know how to stop it because it is a visceral feeling in my body. like they are constantly disappointing me. and i have this small child inside of me thats screaming to be loved.
Can you please talk a bit about care-taking system, social rank system ( from Social rank theory), controlling and perfectionism? As a kid I've been functioning so strongly on these systems and underdeveloping the social collaboration system, social acceptance. :/
when you say need to be alone, sometimes i feel like i cant handle anyone but at the same time he is so amazing and i wouldnt want anyone else. so does this mean break up?
To all FAs here, is this a good way to help you if your partner shares this information with you? I’m finding myself on the other side of another huge fight where he just stormed out. The fight was started out of nothing (but I now see that it’s because the evening did not go as he had it all planned in his head) and then it escalated into him listing all my perceived flaws and character defects as well as every single time I had hurt him (unintentionally as I love him dearly) the last couple days. He knows he has avoidant tendencies but he doesn’t know his attachment style. Should I share this with him? Or will it trigger him even more? As of now I don’t even know if we’re still together as he refused to clearly break up with me when he left just saying he did not have “clarity” yet. Would this help him? Would this help us? I’m very confused and sad as things were going great before that. There had just been one previous episode but that was because my own insecurities had been very much triggered too and I got super emotional (I’m anxious working towards becoming more secure). This time around I stayed understanding, open to dialogue and level-headed the whole time. I’d love to have a chance to at least have a conversation about what happened with him but don’t know what is the best thing to do? Do you FAs reach out after a fight once you’ve had a couple days to yourself? He’s going through some rough times in his life and I know he’s also very overwhelmed and has a hard time asking for help as he hates to depend on people.
The lightbulb went off so many times in my head during this video. Two of my favorite insights:
1. Understanding that we focus on flaws and making our partners less attractive in our minds a strategy to minimize the pain of rejection. It is a protective mechanism for the pain of rejection that ultimately creates distance in relationships.
2. Understanding that when I get irritated or annoyed at someone, it's more than likely that a boundary was crossed. Now I know that when that happens, I need to open my mouth and actually have a conversation with them about my boundaries and expectations.
Thank you, your content is always so insightful!
Yes, love these insights!
Besides your excellent and very relevant content, I really appreciate the very loving and affirming way you deliver it. Two things that always make me smile and feel joy… you start with “i am really glad you are here” and you end with “you are absolutely good enough as you are”. Your message truly touches my heart and feels healing. I love you for that.
I love you for being here and taking the time to write such a beautiful comment, thank you :)
We would love to hear from your partner also. They have a crucial role to play in this too.
Right in the middle of an “upset” with my partner, we took a step away and I watched this video because I didn’t know why I was feeling so strange- this was SO helpful and will help me explain to my partner what happened in my head and why! Thank you so much
Thank you so much for this! I finally understand what my wife has been going through. I've not seen her in 3 months. And she won't talk about her feelings so I was lost in anxiety without the faintest idea what she is going through.
Your videos really shine a light and I almost certainly know this is what she's going through
This was very helpful! I find myself getting annoyed constantly. Sometimes I feel like hate my partner for no reason. Or I hate them for being themselves. Especially helpful was the bit about the partner doing something that other people might disapprove of and how that threatens our security and belonging. I hadn't thought about that before. I have a hard time recognizing my own needs but at the same time I don't feel like I can support my partners needs either. This helped me to realize that I expect my partner to fix and save me.
Hmm hating them for being themselves can actually be a mirror to you feeling like it's dumb, silly, or straight up threatening to be yourself.. Can you allow yourself to be yourself more? The more you can, the more you can enjoy other people being themselves usually!
It's nice to become aware of some 'hidden' patterns. It helps me to understand my partner better
This really spoke a lot to me! I have been dating my bf for 7 months now and everything has been great but I feel like recently I’m just a bit more annoyed at him for no reason at all when he’s literally being the same person he’s always been, kind, attentive, sweet. And I feel super guilty about it😭 I just sometimes wonder if we’re compatible and I feel like things progressed way faster with us than I wanted them to in the beginning (in terms of commitment) (but that’s also my fault for not speaking up about it to spare his feelings) and now I feel like I’m lowkey trapped bc I do genuinely love him but I don’t know if we’re super compatible.
When the one point was being sick or unhappy etc i felt that cos I’m sick right now and life is just overwhelming for me. And meeting someone elses needs right now seems too much when I can’t even meet my own 😢🤦🏽♂️
Compatibility? What is this script of "compatibility"? I suggest you to read about Imago therapy (beside the amazing contents Paulien is providing us with) so that you can slowly get out of your denial and your idealisation (an infant's way to protect oneself from emotions). There's no such thing as "compatibility". There's love, hard work, courage and stepping our from pre-verbal behaviors (trauma reactivity). Women SHOULD get out of pre-verbal fear brain or they will impact negatively their men, kids, family and the overal society.
I’m so scared to be in a relationship altogether! I feel like such damaged goods
I feel so seen, understood and encouraged. It's enormously encouraging to gain awareness, hope and to see improvement. Thank you, Paulien!
You are so spot on! Im so grateful for you! Your channel is by far the best on FA. Its amazing to listen to someone explain the crazy ways I respond and confuses myself and the person Im involved with. You are a gift! ❤
I get really annoyed with my mum sometimes. Now i know why 😅i should try growing up, not idealizing her, seeing her as a flawed human instead. Not wanting her to be more than she is. Interesting insights I gain here, thanks Paulien 😁
My FA partner had many friends that idolised her and had huge meltdowns if I said anything or did anything that might annoy or upset her friends.
That’s currently what I’m going through. I couldn’t have articulated it better. I’m the girl though and I’m frustrated w my boyfriend for embarrassing me in front of my friends. It honestly comes out of my own insecurity but I also just want him to be cool and normal and personable in those situations. Are you guys still together?
@@chynnhowe No, sadly, but she still has her friends.
@@johnsobieski3642 Dang, I’m sorry 😢 I’m sure that the right person will come along and it will make you realize why this happened. God Bless ❤️
Thankyou so much for your wisdom and generosity in sharing your lived experience. I always get so much from the lived experience of healing. I can resonate so much in everything you say. Love the tapping. Ive tried it before and ive never had such an instant healing effect. I think maybe in the past my mind was in the way...maybe looking for something to happen, as if by magic. I had no expectations and feeling quite vulnerable and instantly tears were flowing and the release has been ongoing. Alot of sadness in knowing the decades of time that has passed that I was not able to allow love in. I feel like Ive missed out on so much, and, I am intrigued and excited and a little tentative...vulnerable and maybe a bit fearful to be exposed, rejection maybe if I share myself in not such a beautiful way? but I know its soo important and the most important way to express myself from now, theres no going back. Its going to be interesting to see how things have changed with the man i've been spending time with. So much gratitude to you
Simply put: You've done amaizing jop with this video. Exactly what I needed to hear to better understand my fearful avoidant man. (I'm anxious preocupied)
Thank you for sharing that
So enlightening! Thank you for such an amazing and necessary channel!
I really resonate and love your videos. I'd find it extremely helpful if you made a few videos about how to heal core wounds, how to identify our needs/meet them, and how to set boundaries/identify them
Those are some really specific, awesome video ideas! I will put them on the list for sure :)
Omg I cant believe how much of what you say makes SO MUCH sense to me! Im so glad I found your channel!
I feel like my ex did this to me. He was stressed, overworked and got sick and I offered to come help but he refused and within two days he ended things saying he just didn't feel like he felt the desire for commitment and I deserved better.
Thank u ♥️🇪🇬
Whenever I felt I am being excluded, being treted as a pile of dirt I have rage in me. I dont understand how I can percieve my self as equal to anyone, this inferiority takes me.
I feel triggered & angry constantly to where my partners never feel "good enough" and i push them away. its so hard to deal with and i dont know how to stop it because it is a visceral feeling in my body. like they are constantly disappointing me. and i have this small child inside of me thats screaming to be loved.
Can you please talk a bit about care-taking system, social rank system ( from Social rank theory), controlling and perfectionism? As a kid I've been functioning so strongly on these systems and underdeveloping the social collaboration system, social acceptance. :/
This is sooooo HELPFUL! Thank you so much.
Thank you Paulien
This was an amazing video ! And reassuring ! Thank you 💜
when you say need to be alone, sometimes i feel like i cant handle anyone but at the same time he is so amazing and i wouldnt want anyone else. so does this mean break up?
To all FAs here, is this a good way to help you if your partner shares this information with you? I’m finding myself on the other side of another huge fight where he just stormed out. The fight was started out of nothing (but I now see that it’s because the evening did not go as he had it all planned in his head) and then it escalated into him listing all my perceived flaws and character defects as well as every single time I had hurt him (unintentionally as I love him dearly) the last couple days.
He knows he has avoidant tendencies but he doesn’t know his attachment style. Should I share this with him? Or will it trigger him even more? As of now I don’t even know if we’re still together as he refused to clearly break up with me when he left just saying he did not have “clarity” yet.
Would this help him? Would this help us? I’m very confused and sad as things were going great before that. There had just been one previous episode but that was because my own insecurities had been very much triggered too and I got super emotional (I’m anxious working towards becoming more secure). This time around I stayed understanding, open to dialogue and level-headed the whole time. I’d love to have a chance to at least have a conversation about what happened with him but don’t know what is the best thing to do?
Do you FAs reach out after a fight once you’ve had a couple days to yourself? He’s going through some rough times in his life and I know he’s also very overwhelmed and has a hard time asking for help as he hates to depend on people.
So at some point do you stop being annoyed or is there something I need to do to stop being annoyed with them for no reason??😭🥲