My dad raised me saying to my face that love is conditional. I absolutely felt like I had to earn love, empathy, support etc. he also raised me thinking that every single thing you experience is your choice and your fault. Which is complicated because accountability is important, but at the same time with every negative feeling I’ve ever had I quite literally thought it was my fault. Every time a partner did something that made me uncomfortable I subconsciously thought well, if everything everyone does is a conscious choice, then he CHOSE to make me feel that way and I must have done something to deserve it. Instead of just communicating needs to each other. I’ve spent most of my adult life still stuck in this dynamic. But I am so grateful you are here. You and these resources you have made have turned my life around, seriously. Thank you 🙏
Abandonment. My dad used to tell me "If I had somewhere to go, I would leave instantly". He didn't say it to my mom and I happened to overhear, he was emotionally dumping on a 10-year-old, and letting me know how easily he would abandon me if he had a choice. My response was to feel bad about how mistreated he was, never about how unfair and irresponsible his actions were to me. I only realize this now.
I relate to this..I was 10 and living alone with my Dad while my Mom lived away from us to work during the week. He would slide multi page letters under my bedroom door when he was drunk that he was going to leave me the next day because he regretted I was in his life. It sucks! I'm so sorry this happened to you
My dad used to do the same. Say how one day he'll just pick his things and leave and now I have the WORST abandonment issues. It sucks, but we'll get through this and move towards being securely attached❤
Your example of going home from school with parent passed out drunk, threatening suicide and everything else is so my childhood, it's like a family drama in indie film. I just cried when you said that. Like I want to blame my mama but I know now she has her issues too. Raising 5 children on her own when my papa passed away when I was 9. I iust want to heal so I can have a grateful heart for all the people who love me truly. I thought I don't appreciate my people, turns out I just couldn't let them in. Being vulnerable and authentic is freaking scary for me!!
Thank you. Your content has honestly been more helpful than seeing a therapist was. I wish mainstream psychology went as deep as you do. It feels like therapy only touches the surface of the issue and only sticks to dealing with problems on the conscious level. Watching you, I’ve realized why talk therapy itself only did so much.
I get that but it passes, so I fake it until I make it and don’t tell my partner that I’m feeling repulsed because I know it’s just how I am and nothing they’ve done. It passes every time after about a month or two. Hang in there!!
@@EdHayes3 fear. Mine is fear of being rejected so I beat them to it. And also questioning why they like or love me and if they’re genuine in liking me or if they’re manipulating me. (Lack of trust)
You don’t love children for no reason, you have a huge reason to love them: they depend on it for their survival. Love is not a feeling, it’s an attitude. It takes love to take care of a child, love IS about taking care of someone, ensuring their well-being. For a child, who can’t ensure their own survival, it really is a question of survival to be loved. You love a child because THEY NEED IT.
I relate to all of them unfortunately. I greatly appreciate you identifying what the fear of betrayal and abandonment actually are. It helped me to see that I actually did develop those wounds quite early on in childhood.
Ironic that the textbook fearful avoidant girl I dated was the one to lie, cheat/betray and abandon me! Better to do it to someone before they do it to you I guess (even though I didnt or wouldn't!)
Actually not necessarily m. They can look very similar yes, along with borderline personality disorder. It’s easy to mistake them for another. They all come from different spaces too
@@vanessasworderim telling you 100000% the girl is a fearful avoidant attachment style. She self sabotaged the relationship doing the above behaviours
@@vanessaswordernarcs are FA, they like the drama, the love triangles, games, tantrums and fits of rage. Narc is also the disorder and fear is the way they attach.. that I conclude after spending over a decade of my life with one then another of them. One ends up being DA in order just to survive emotionally because narcs say and do cruel things. DA's are not the typical narc because DA's avoid conflict they don't like it, it's easier to get withdrawn. That's why people call them selfish. Narcs are very selfish and that's where people get it confused.
@@ashton1952 well that’s in contradiction to everything this channel teaches but I am sure there are many narcissistic people with any one of these attachment styles….I am sorry if I upset you
@@ashton1952 You sound like an armchair psychiatrist. You have no clue what a narcissist is. It becomes obvious when you call them narcs, every time someone uses that term, I know they are full of it. Too much internet for you today.
Don’t ever be vulnerable with a DA. They can’t be vulnerable back. It will backfire. They will think you are weak, and in turn, you will feel lonely. If someone can’t be vulnerable in a relationship, the relationship is no good. I will never be in a relationship with a DA, and if I find out a potential partner is a DA, I’m gone.
You are so right. I am always labeled weak by the DA I was with. Any time I showed any emotion, she would tell me I am too soft and she needs someone stronger. She was never vulnerable, very hard core and cold.
@@lrose3273 like I’ve previously said, they can never be vulnerable, and in turn, can never be in a real relationship. They will never be happy and their relationships will be fleeting. The way I look at it, the last DA I was with was the weak one.
I think I have every wound you covered and more. I had an Alcoholic abusive father, Mom had untreated bipolar disorder, my brother had anger issues he would take out on me. I never knew which version of each of them I was going to get at any given moment. I lived in fear every day. We also lived in poverty in filthy conditions. We sporadically had clean clothes, we ate off paper plates because the dishes were always dirty. We had rats and mice. I still have bad dreams from it. It felt like the only time I got attention was to get a "whipping" for something I, or my brother did, or when I brought home a good report card. I feel like it was divine intervention for me to be led here. I finally have some hope that I can heal and move past my horrible beginnings to the life I really want. Thank you so much for your passion and dedication ❤
Empowering, enlightening, encouraging, uplifting to listen to you speak your knowledge of the human mind ,psychology in such a helpful way. My brain feels so drawn to this knowledge you have and share so freely from your heart to help people grow and become centered good humans. I should probably slow down now. I felt compelled to speak how I felt each time. I'm sorry if it was overdoing it. I appreciate you.
My inner child is just not done grieving. I didn't have as bad of a childhood as some, im acutely aware of that. I grew up middle class, my dad managed his alcoholism up until I was 14/15. At that point he started abusing substances a well, lost his high paying job, my mom left him, and we moved a state over. But I have no problem identifying where my FA attachment came from when I listen to these videos, because I had to worry about EVERYONE in my family except myself. My older sister was the "bad girl" who partied a lot but was also suicidal and would lock herself in her room. I remember many times being scared to knock on her door because I thought she'd be dead inside. Of course, we worried about finding my dad dead, too. On top of that it was a regular thing for my mom to have meltdowns and scream she was going to kill herself or leave us; there's a heartbreaking drawing in our garage of my dad, my sisters, and me, underneath it says "please don't leave, mom, we cleaned the house." I have vivid memories of my dad holding me back, fighting him, as my mom drove off after saying she was leaving us. She always came back later, but the damage was done. I have very little happy memories in childhood. I never got to be a kid. That hurts so much.
Boy oh boy! Each of these points struck a nerve! And then on top of that, I feel shame for being The age that I am and still having these! I've gotten through life very well... Didn't even realize This applies to me till I listened to it. Thais has a video on this... Something about Being emotionally delayed , I forgot what it was called . Been in PDS for a while and definitely better, but then I fall Off the wagon for a bit and these videos bring me back and then I get back into it. Just watched a Podcast with Mike Dizeo About our inner voices very well done. My goal is to get where I can Pull up , articulate and verbalize what's going on inside. Really wish I had access to this like 30 years ago when I'm trying to raise a family.
Dear Thais🤍 Which avoidant am I if I can't call my boyfriend by his name? I'm too shy:( and this happens everytime I have a crush on someone. I just can't call them by name, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. If they are not around, if I'm talking to someone about them, I can say their name, but when my crush or boyfriend is near - no way, I would rather die. Thank you for everything you do, we all appreciate it.
OMG! I didn't know this was an avoidant thing. I have alternate names for all the three people I consider to be my close relations, because their first names are "too much" for me.
@Mississippian well at least you have petnames for them, which is really good 👍🏻 but when it comes to my romantic partner I can't call him any name AT ALL. I just get close, look at him and say whatever I need to say
You just made me realize not being able to call my bf "chéri" directly but calling him like this when he's not around might be an avoidant thing.. I guess its too intimate in my mind? Idk
You know that long term relationships are not fueled by spark right? My FA leaning DA ex told me he wasn't feeling the soark as soon as things were not honeymoonish
@@valentinavsl4148there are ways to keep the emotional attraction levels high; avoid doing anything that kills attraction. Sometimes it's awareness on our part, sometimes it's the choice of the other person 🤷🏼♀️ all we can do is take responsibility for us not for other's choices
FAs what do you think of the list? Would you add anything?
My dad raised me saying to my face that love is conditional. I absolutely felt like I had to earn love, empathy, support etc. he also raised me thinking that every single thing you experience is your choice and your fault. Which is complicated because accountability is important, but at the same time with every negative feeling I’ve ever had I quite literally thought it was my fault. Every time a partner did something that made me uncomfortable I subconsciously thought well, if everything everyone does is a conscious choice, then he CHOSE to make me feel that way and I must have done something to deserve it. Instead of just communicating needs to each other. I’ve spent most of my adult life still stuck in this dynamic. But I am so grateful you are here. You and these resources you have made have turned my life around, seriously. Thank you 🙏
Abandonment. My dad used to tell me "If I had somewhere to go, I would leave instantly". He didn't say it to my mom and I happened to overhear, he was emotionally dumping on a 10-year-old, and letting me know how easily he would abandon me if he had a choice. My response was to feel bad about how mistreated he was, never about how unfair and irresponsible his actions were to me. I only realize this now.
That’s so shitty and cruel. I’m so sorry he took away something that you deserved snd needed to feel safe. I hope you can heal this.
Damn bro 😭
I relate to this..I was 10 and living alone with my Dad while my Mom lived away from us to work during the week. He would slide multi page letters under my bedroom door when he was drunk that he was going to leave me the next day because he regretted I was in his life. It sucks! I'm so sorry this happened to you
My dad used to do the same. Say how one day he'll just pick his things and leave and now I have the WORST abandonment issues. It sucks, but we'll get through this and move towards being securely attached❤
Same, was forced to understand and empathises at my own expense
Your example of going home from school with parent passed out drunk, threatening suicide and everything else is so my childhood, it's like a family drama in indie film. I just cried when you said that. Like I want to blame my mama but I know now she has her issues too. Raising 5 children on her own when my papa passed away when I was 9. I iust want to heal so I can have a grateful heart for all the people who love me truly. I thought I don't appreciate my people, turns out I just couldn't let them in. Being vulnerable and authentic is freaking scary for me!!
Thank you. Your content has honestly been more helpful than seeing a therapist was. I wish mainstream psychology went as deep as you do. It feels like therapy only touches the surface of the issue and only sticks to dealing with problems on the conscious level. Watching you, I’ve realized why talk therapy itself only did so much.
So happy to hear this. Thank you for your comment :)
Getting the "ick" or losing attraction for your partner. This and feeling trapped are the fears i have the most. They go hand in hand.
Thank you for sharing
Almost sounds like ROCD, but I’m not a therapist.
What causes the ick?
I get that but it passes, so I fake it until I make it and don’t tell my partner that I’m feeling repulsed because I know it’s just how I am and nothing they’ve done. It passes every time after about a month or two. Hang in there!!
@@EdHayes3 fear. Mine is fear of being rejected so I beat them to it. And also questioning why they like or love me and if they’re genuine in liking me or if they’re manipulating me. (Lack of trust)
All of the above. It costs you success, friendships, relationships, healthy environments.
I love the idea of giving love for no reason to children!! Also I love the idea of finding the costs!
You don’t love children for no reason, you have a huge reason to love them: they depend on it for their survival. Love is not a feeling, it’s an attitude. It takes love to take care of a child, love IS about taking care of someone, ensuring their well-being. For a child, who can’t ensure their own survival, it really is a question of survival to be loved. You love a child because THEY NEED IT.
This is so me. I have so much fear and paranoia around mistrust in friendships and relationships.
And often the FA intentionally or not ends up doing these very things to others
I relate to all of them unfortunately. I greatly appreciate you identifying what the fear of betrayal and abandonment actually are. It helped me to see that I actually did develop those wounds quite early on in childhood.
Ironic that the textbook fearful avoidant girl I dated was the one to lie, cheat/betray and abandon me! Better to do it to someone before they do it to you I guess (even though I didnt or wouldn't!)
Actually not necessarily m. They can look very similar yes, along with borderline personality disorder. It’s easy to mistake them for another. They all come from different spaces too
@@vanessasworderim telling you 100000% the girl is a fearful avoidant attachment style. She self sabotaged the relationship doing the above behaviours
@@vanessaswordernarcs are FA, they like the drama, the love triangles, games, tantrums and fits of rage. Narc is also the disorder and fear is the way they attach.. that I conclude after spending over a decade of my life with one then another of them. One ends up being DA in order just to survive emotionally because narcs say and do cruel things. DA's are not the typical narc because DA's avoid conflict they don't like it, it's easier to get withdrawn. That's why people call them selfish. Narcs are very selfish and that's where people get it confused.
@@ashton1952 well that’s in contradiction to everything this channel teaches but I am sure there are many narcissistic people with any one of these attachment styles….I am sorry if I upset you
@@ashton1952 You sound like an armchair psychiatrist. You have no clue what a narcissist is. It becomes obvious when you call them narcs, every time someone uses that term, I know they are full of it.
Too much internet for you today.
Don’t ever be vulnerable with a DA. They can’t be vulnerable back. It will backfire. They will think you are weak, and in turn, you will feel lonely. If someone can’t be vulnerable in a relationship, the relationship is no good. I will never be in a relationship with a DA, and if I find out a potential partner is a DA, I’m gone.
You are so right. I am always labeled weak by the DA I was with. Any time I showed any emotion, she would tell me I am too soft and she needs someone stronger. She was never vulnerable, very hard core and cold.
@@lrose3273 like I’ve previously said, they can never be vulnerable, and in turn, can never be in a real relationship. They will never be happy and their relationships will be fleeting. The way I look at it, the last DA I was with was the weak one.
what is a DA?
@@TheHHPodcast dismissive avoidant
I agree 💯 percent!
I think I have every wound you covered and more. I had an Alcoholic abusive father, Mom had untreated bipolar disorder, my brother had anger issues he would take out on me. I never knew which version of each of them I was going to get at any given moment. I lived in fear every day. We also lived in poverty in filthy conditions. We sporadically had clean clothes, we ate off paper plates because the dishes were always dirty. We had rats and mice. I still have bad dreams from it. It felt like the only time I got attention was to get a "whipping" for something I, or my brother did, or when I brought home a good report card. I feel like it was divine intervention for me to be led here. I finally have some hope that I can heal and move past my horrible beginnings to the life I really want. Thank you so much for your passion and dedication ❤
I love how authentic you are, Thais. ❤
Empowering, enlightening, encouraging, uplifting to listen to you speak your knowledge of the human mind ,psychology in such a helpful way. My brain feels so drawn to this knowledge you have and share so freely from your heart to help people grow and become centered good humans.
I should probably slow down now.
I felt compelled to speak how I felt each time.
I'm sorry if it was overdoing it.
I appreciate you.
Thank you Jacob!
You are so right!! And so NOT overdoing it. PDS content is amazing! Nothing at all wrong with being enthusiastic about embracing life at its fullest.
@StudioSGS oh thank you for your nice comment!
*taking notes*
You're a wonderful human being, Thais.
My inner child is just not done grieving. I didn't have as bad of a childhood as some, im acutely aware of that. I grew up middle class, my dad managed his alcoholism up until I was 14/15. At that point he started abusing substances a well, lost his high paying job, my mom left him, and we moved a state over. But I have no problem identifying where my FA attachment came from when I listen to these videos, because I had to worry about EVERYONE in my family except myself. My older sister was the "bad girl" who partied a lot but was also suicidal and would lock herself in her room. I remember many times being scared to knock on her door because I thought she'd be dead inside. Of course, we worried about finding my dad dead, too.
On top of that it was a regular thing for my mom to have meltdowns and scream she was going to kill herself or leave us; there's a heartbreaking drawing in our garage of my dad, my sisters, and me, underneath it says "please don't leave, mom, we cleaned the house." I have vivid memories of my dad holding me back, fighting him, as my mom drove off after saying she was leaving us. She always came back later, but the damage was done. I have very little happy memories in childhood. I never got to be a kid. That hurts so much.
This really really resonates .. sadly but so understandingly
I am happy that it resonated with you ❤
Boy oh boy! Each of these points struck a nerve!
And then on top of that, I feel shame for being The age that I am and still having these!
I've gotten through life very well... Didn't even realize This applies to me till I listened to it.
Thais has a video on this... Something about Being emotionally delayed , I forgot what it was called .
Been in PDS for a while and definitely better, but then I fall Off the wagon for a bit and these videos bring me back and then I get back into it.
Just watched a Podcast with Mike Dizeo About our inner voices very well done.
My goal is to get where I can Pull up , articulate and verbalize what's going on inside.
Really wish I had access to this like 30 years ago when I'm trying to raise a family.
Dear Thais🤍 Which avoidant am I if I can't call my boyfriend by his name? I'm too shy:( and this happens everytime I have a crush on someone. I just can't call them by name, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.
If they are not around, if I'm talking to someone about them, I can say their name, but when my crush or boyfriend is near - no way, I would rather die.
Thank you for everything you do, we all appreciate it.
OMG! I didn't know this was an avoidant thing. I have alternate names for all the three people I consider to be my close relations, because their first names are "too much" for me.
@Mississippian well at least you have petnames for them, which is really good 👍🏻 but when it comes to my romantic partner I can't call him any name AT ALL. I just get close, look at him and say whatever I need to say
You just made me realize not being able to call my bf "chéri" directly but calling him like this when he's not around might be an avoidant thing.. I guess its too intimate in my mind? Idk
This was such a great video Thais. Thank you.
Thanks for showing g the way out! Appreciation.
Narcissists are my biggest fear
The problem is these issues keep repeating in my adult life which make them worse….
You need to reprogram your core wounds... Consciously you aren't choosing this. it's all subconscious programming running the show
I have become a fortress in the tundra. Safe I suppose, but no one can get close. 🥺
True love breaks that cycle. There's hope
Hey you made a video about the 4 DA types and I was wondering if you were still planning on doing the video About the enmeshed DA. Ty
Yes! Enmeshed DAs are super common and it'd be great to know more about this dynamic.
Thank you so much.
I’m not saying that all DA’s are narcissist. Are all narcissists DA’s? Both are definitely not vulnerable.
th-cam.com/video/NDDyt7Sj13A/w-d-xo.html
Loss of connection/spark.
You know that long term relationships are not fueled by spark right? My FA leaning DA ex told me he wasn't feeling the soark as soon as things were not honeymoonish
This other person didn't understand what you mean.... but I agree, the ability to be spontaneous and free around your partner
@@valentinavsl4148there are ways to keep the emotional attraction levels high; avoid doing anything that kills attraction. Sometimes it's awareness on our part, sometimes it's the choice of the other person 🤷🏼♀️ all we can do is take responsibility for us not for other's choices
I guess there's no real issue with "deactivating" when the person is breaking trust anyway
Aaaaaah this is me.
Please refrain from using the problematic term “parental alienation”.
There is nothing that they cost me that I have not already paid serval times over
💜🙏
😅
Money money always sunny in a rich mans capitalistic paradise😅