Benign vs. malignant NEGLECT in narcissistic relationships
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ก.พ. 2025
- Neglect in relationships can take many forms, but what happens when it feels deliberate, almost like punishment? In this video, we explore the difference between benign neglect-unintentional and circumstantial - and malignant neglect, a more insidious and harmful pattern often seen in narcissistic relationships. What does it mean to feel unseen, unheard, and unimportant in a way that feels intentional? Let’s unpack this subtle yet impactful form of relational harm.
- บันเทิง
Whether neglect is intentional or not it sucks not to feel valued, especially by the ones you love.
sux
My mother refused to inform me that my father had entered the last weeks of his life and I thus missed my last chances to talk to him. That act was so cartoonishly villainous that it finally drove home that she is abusive. It got me into therapy, eventually to a therapist that encouraged me to look up narcissism and see whether the behaviors fit. Now looking back I can see aggressive neglect everywhere in my childhood. No wonder I've been so anxious. Thank goodness for healing.
Ugh. I'm so dirty, that's so mean, and I feel ya. Here's to deeper healing for all of us.
Very similar situation just happened to our family (mother dying, narcissistic father). It has taken several months for my anger and severe hurt to calm down enough to even begin to understand how narcissism, neglect and complex PTSD have shaped the lives of my siblings and me. Best wishes
I can relate. It took me about two years, actually. I had to keep a constant vigilance on both my own perspective and others' during that time. I didn't trust my self-control if it was clear someone else was behaving poorly. It gets easier, but it absolutely changes you. It takes sustained effort to ensure those changes are for the better. I hope you get what you should've always had. Be well. 😊 @bigparade
Literally today-this morning, I clocked malignant neglect accurately. Ended the relationship on the spot and blocked the contact. Your timing is impeccable Dr. Ramani! I have learned so much about these relationships this past year, I am so appreciative of your work. I felt like maybe I was overreacting after having sent my message, but I know I made the right choice now. Thank you thank you thank you!
Not only does my family member intentionally neglect, they will give what you've asked for in spades to a virtual stranger and do it right in front of you.
This in so many ways. If she wasn't giving anyone and everyone else what I needed and was asking for, she would downright do the opposite toward me.
Every time I think that Dr. Ramani has given the best, most insightful talk, she proves me wrong. This one really, really hit home. You are the expert in narcissistic relationships and how they affect those that are abused. Thank you again.
Omg Dr Ramini the timing of this video is profound. I've just had the most brutal week with my partner who neglected to wish me happy birthday on my 50th birthday, then when I had a normal human reaction to that and told him I was upset he said "you just go nuclear... over everything" and gave me hostile silent treatment for the next 6 days including when I had to have my much loved cat put to sleep. 😢 He didn't ask how I was or show any concern and instead went for a drink after work without even letting me know he wouldn't be home on the day Id had to put my cat to sleep. It's been devastating!!! So, I've moved out. Your videos are a lifesaver, I've literally felt like I'm going mad with the subtle and not so subtle gas lighting 😢
Thank you so much for your work!!!
This is a 25year on-off relationship and your work has helped me so much.
So sorry that it has happened to you...but yes moving out was the right move...
Good on you! He sounds like my husband. Sorry for the loss of your loved cat. ❤.
@@KathrynParker-v7y thank you!
This was so very helpful!Now, the intricacies of the harmful aspects of malignant neglect throughout the relationship is clear to me. I was confused and nothing made sense.
Wow! How clever and calculating these people have to be!
Thank you for this, and everything. The past 20 years make more sense now.
He made me financially dependent on him, isolated me from my friends and family, and went weeks ignoring me and not talking to me, to the point that I wasn't sure if I still existed. All the while he was living his best life with various other women on the side, yet kept me at home as a maid and secretary, a ghost who he could mistreat when he felt like it. Sometimes I was actually thankful for the yelling and insults, because at least then I knew that I am still here.
That's heartbreaking 💔 I hear you and see you! I know what that feels like.
Mine has been 25 years. I moved out 3 day ago and feel devastated.
I wish you healing, peace and a soft place to land ❤
Sounds similar to my experience. Twenty four years and counting. I know I need to get out - but the "how" is the sticking point. Realizing you need to leave is a thing on its own. The getting out - with circumstances set up like he has and the malignant personality he has, is a whole other thing on its own. The malign neglect is one of my husband's favored strategies. It is good you can see it for what it is, but it still messes with your head. Especially when others around don't clock it for what it is. I hope you get out safely one day and are able live life happier. Mine has women at work who think he's great. One of them gives him a birthday gift which gets waved around each year and her Christmas gift to him gets put under the Christmas tree. He came home with lipstick on his shirt and pants zipper a few times and told me it was my lipstick. Which we both knew was a lie. Now I think he's just quieter about it.
@KathrynParker-v7y that sounds awful...and I totally understand that getting out can be really complicated. Definitely made worse by the fact that the malignant neglect behavior described here is completely invisible to the outside world, so that compounds the self doubt that undermines who we are. I've been in a physically abusive relationship, I honestly don't know what's worse not that it's worth comparing, but that is far easier to explain for others to understand how damaging it is...malignant neglect is like a knife under the ribs! May you be blessed with whatever you need to finally leave 🙏 ✨️ 💛
This video just taught me, he malignantly neglected me from the beginning! I was just too polite to point it out or understand and the therapist I was seeing at the time knrw nothing about narcissism.
I could have been saved so much pain. Igads. Ty Dr Ramani
It's like taking the plant and putting it inside a scorching sun, while claiming that sunlight is good for you and you're just being sensitive.
Thank you for this. Exactly what I think is a major issue for me. I was malignantly neglected. What most fits is that I only existed when they needed me. But I’ve carried so much shame from the things I had to do as a kid to survive the constant shaming and bullying at school and at home, that or became an unspeakable part of my life that no one sees or understands. It works under the radar in all my daily activities. In my thoughts and emotions. I carry the family shame all the time. Now working to change that. It’s not even mine. It’s the family system dumping shame on me.
This is exactly where I am and what I'm working through, along with you!
same
Thank you for your life, Dr. RAMANI, for your dedication to teaching & helping others on this topic. I follow you closely, and you help make sense of the pain that is unexplainable of how some family, work situations of people with negative attitudes, and even strangers occur and why! Your work helps those who are pleasant and just trying to live a normal life & trying to raise their own normal family. So much is toxic all around us! The understanding of the dynamics is a great help. I am sending my gratitude towards you and my thankfulness for you❤.
same
I have discovered so much from watching Dr. Ramani's videos and reading books, articles and comments. Learning about narcissism, complex PTSD, childhood neglect, attachment styles, betrayal blindness, sensory processing disorders, etc. continue to broaden my understanding of what we're going through. It's like an ever-growing web of issues
Propably one of the most destructive things that can happen to you when you are growing up.
Well this definitely validated my childhood,. There was benign and now I know from listening to this, malignant neglect. Thank you for speaking this out into the air.
This is exactly what I needed to hear! I had a covert narcissistic mother who I could be around very little . She was very manipulative with me , at least , silent treatment , huge liar etc, but I would say she was also benign in many many ways also. She noticed me very little. She was always preoccupied and I desperately wanted and needed her attention.
I was so upset at the malignant neglect of my family when I was 27 years old it all got too much and I burst into tears at a meal. My narc mother and sister didn’t appear to notice or care. My partner later said how cruel that was and years later when I finally went no contact I was accused of neglecting the families needs.
Thank you again. This is so such a difficult subject given it seems to be about intentions. Both as a single parent who struggled to raise my child against all odds attacked against us by my ex and my trauma, there was never enough time and space to be as present as I'm certain she needed. But also as a child and partner and friends who had been constantly assuming that same intent when I felt unloved, but now have known for years there was at least sometimes a lot of aggressive ("I matter and you don't" ) neglect, intentionally being left out of needed things, and subtle passive aggressive digs of omission, all of which were so often passed off as immaturity, busyness, or just clueless unintentionally missing me and my basic needs. These things can be so subtle that the not watering the metaphorical plant can seem to everyone as if they just didn't remember. But really it's a consistently choosing their own desires and pleasure over the basic need, or worse not watering the metaphorical plant cuz they hate what it reminds them of, they don't like the color of the pot, they wish the plant was a different variety, the plant isn't giving them fruit, (even tho it's not a fruiting plant) or it's not growing lush enough for them to post on social media, so why bother. That's not benign neglect. It's intentional and malignant, but the "plant" often sees it as just benign intentions, and so does the rest of the world, but it still kills the plant and it's not unintentional.
Currently living in my narcissistic grandmothers house. Trying to take care of my siblings with no job and no car all by myself after losing both our parents within the span of two years. I've been praying and have no other options. We're surrounded by her flying monkeys and anyone else she has who are totally fine with harrassing us in her stead. It hurts badly since shes constantly threatening to throw us out. My support system is small and i try my best to stay positive but its hard. I pray one day things get better but right now this is so hard. Hopefully one day I'll look back and feel safe once again🙏
Study hard and hopefully your studies will pay off and give you a road out.
It’s difficult to make suggestions not knowing what is available to you if anything but get to
Learn skills, volunteer even if you have to to leave good skills and do your best to be the best, help will come - stay strong and you’ll see how life has a way of falling into place, pray for your grandmother too that she’ll realise sooner rather than later what she’s doing. God bless you and your siblings!!
Not to mention, when you have malignant neglect, you usually have all of the other malignant stuff. Mine was neglectful, emotionally, mentally, sexually, future faking, love bombing, malignant narcissist. Every day was a game of chess, constantly trying to forsee moves to either defend them or prepare a plan of attack. No one should have to live like that, heh, I wasn't living. I was surviving. So much so that my adrenal glands started to produce 300mgs of cortisol a day. I appeared to have Cushings Syndrome. Even went to the Mayo Clinic. They couldn't find a cause. Eventually, my adrenal glands died, and now I live on hormone replacement for cortisol, cortef, daily. They have determined that decaeds of surviving a malignant narcissist and counter parenting three children. Caused me so much stress that my adrenal glands over produced cortisol, which caused permanent damage to the cerebrospinal lining. Which caused me to have increased cerebrospinal fluid, that I have to get drained with lumbar punctures. Mainly due to the fact I have RA/Lupus and can't get a shunt. Not to mention my adrenal glands being dead, so I wear an emergency alert bracelet and carry a shot of 100mgs of cortef in case of an adrenal crisis. There are so many more medical issues, and I mention them as a word of caution. Do not stay! I did, 33 years, and I'm embarrassed to say it would have been longer had he not discarded me. Trauma bonds are horrible and powerful all consuming. Therapy saved my life. They do not change, believe actions over their words. I hope this helps someone.
I needed this!! I can see both in many relationships of my past and present. Ty
I couldn't make this video black and white regarding malignant or benign. My experience was a combination. They had their tendencies to benign neglect which grew to overt neglect. Then they began to drink a lot, and then the malignant neglect showed up. Back and forth or mix it up. 60 years later, I struggle with what I see and feel.
Yes, I lived what you described! At 62, I am working on healing thanks to Dr Ramani! She literally saved me.
@JR-zx8ll The same with me, as well.
I've been trying to name what I experienced, this is it. Thank you
I always made excuses in my mind to justify the behavior of my parents and sister for their constant "malignant neglect". Here are two examples: parents not telling me important things like they are going out of town (again). Or my sister not telling me until afterwards that she got tickets with another family member and went to a concert, the same one I've been wanting to take her to and I even bought her ticket, and she cancelled on me at the last minute!
Malignant... Is looking in refrigator saying you have food(so planned shopping does not happen; also promised to spend certain amount every month or go every 2 weeks for fresh food when he gets paid) Excuses just changed jobs so his employer holds back pay, excuse when happens 9m out of 12m, grocery money always cut or he was paid he has money, do not want to spend... going & eating at local bar/ fast food, before he comes home from work cause not much good food in house because he decided he wanted money in his pocket instead of Good food in house for you & kids.... If goes on ruins health!!! Also at the time when a friend who was manager at the Bank wanted to help, offers you a good job, husband speaks for you saying NO you do not want the job... What??? The suffering and neglect is deliberate in my mind...
I slept while my wife got notice to go to her mom's caretaker, because 'Mom' is about to pass. I woke up with a note on my keyboard, wife gone, and mother-in-law already passed away hours before... after 38 years of marriage. P.S. Thanks for such detailed experienced knowledge of malignant narcissism.
I grew up this way and I've been struggling for 10 years in therapy trying to dismantle the subconscious programming 😢 Would love to see more videos on how to heal this 🙏 Ty
I couldn't find healing for my broken pieces, but I was able to make peace with that. I accepted that I couldn't mend the brokenness so I kind of made a "kintsugi" of me, just like the japanese art, where the broken pieces of a vessel are mended with gold and thus it becomes more valuable and full of character. Take a look at some photos of kintsugi, they are quite exquisite. I also nurtured the parts of me that were not broken, for instance, my sense of right and wrong, my moral compass, my learning curiosity, etc.
All the best to you.
I dealt with both, benign neglect first because he became bored as soon as the lovebombing/idealization stage ended but as soon as he started finding fault with me, or if I tried to set a boundary it started being used as punishment.
A cousin used to abuse me when she visited. Long before that study on monkeys when one was given grapes and the other only cucumber slices, she’d do that to me. It wasn’t helpful that my mom was the main narcissist in my life at that age either. Even my sister, the other monkey, claims to not remember our older cousin feeding her in front of me and not even letting me seat the food in my own house during her visits.
I don’t know that I’d call this neglect, since it was intentional and intended to be hurtful by the cousin. It was definitely extreme. I had to learn to defend my existence pretty early in my family. They backed off considerably once they saw that I was scrappy.
Hi I watch you very often, I’m currently in a relationship with a man that berates me, constantly belittles me and verbally abuses me on a daily basis! He also gaslights me even with evidence! He has now stoop so low, that he is now included saying bad things about my children in his daily rants! I’m currently in the process of him blaming me for everything, everything is my fault, things I’m not even aware of are my fault! We just had a baby and I literally have so many text of him telling me how fat I am especially if he can’t get what he wants! I’m also supporting him, because I believed after he made me think I was the reason he lost his job! I don’t even know how but he made me believe this! I feel like I have Stockholm syndrome! I finally hope I had enough I had gathered up the courage to ignore his calls and text for the first time ever after he said mean things about my special needs son! I watch your videos daily! Thank you so much!
@@shaver77 look as if you're listening but sing something silly and happy like happy birthday. Build your physical strength......when he's talking think of it as a toddler temper tantrum to get some distance. Say empty things like I hear you. You're So into that! You're talking. Not saying anything to add fuel but also so you have TIME to process the absolute JUNK he's spitting out. And Never tell him he MAKES you feel something that's just more of a stick to best you with. Keep breathing.
@@patriciabussell2343 Thanks so much , this brought tears to my eyes! ❤️I think because I feel ashamed that I had to write this on TH-cam!
@@shaver77 I understand your shame. It's hard, so hard when you're trying to survive and take care of your family. You can't find anyone to turn to because who's going to get it? Who's not going to say something wildly unhelpful? I'm in tears because I can feel your pain
And when I'm done with this text, I'll send energetic prayers for * you*. Get this into your head though...you have nothing to be ashamed of. The sweetness of your being is the very food vampires and demons live the most. You were targeted because of your compassion, care and drive to demonstrate your love. Don't ever ever be ashamed of that. But do your invisible, go stealth ninja not 🚫 obvious fed of their mad feeding frenzy. REMEMBER - negative is a huge super feed for a narc. But so is Crazy. So is vulnerable....they gorge on this food. Put the vampire on a starvation diet or no energy feed for you. But if he's abusive Save your self and your children
@@patriciabussell2343 we have an episode of him being abusive! He have not done it since though! He’s more verbal! Thanks for your kind words ❤️
@@shaver77 Verbally abusive is really like death by 1000 cuts. So, think of ways to cover you and yours in Teflon. He's not ever ever ever going to get better/ change. I can't tell you how many decades I didn't know that. Truth: he will only double down. And, he may test physical abuse again it's 99% unless he thinks you will walk out no matter what!!! My Best friend a strong athletic type figured out a broken rib and the threat of the baby next if it doesn't stop crying! Was the end. Make a plan and leave ASAP. Make it about the safety of your little ones and you will find fire in your belly to protect those who cannot protect themselves. Deep deep understanding and it doesn't matter -lits of cultures and traditions know of angels. Pray for the angels of love and of the most High God to help you in this battle. You're worth it. But you do need help.
I suffered malignant neglect from my 87 year old mother after years of being a loyal, catering and obedient daughter. It began the moment I had some major issues for the first time in my own life (serious physical illness of partner). My attention to someone other than her was highly insulting, therefore I needed to be punished.
It makes sense that my malignant vulnerable narcissist ex husband’s neglect of me would be called malignant neglect, but what’s funny is I never thought to call him neglectful because he was in my face and controlling me all the time. Here is just ONE example of his malignant neglect:
We lived separately and saw each other every weekend for 7 years. (That’s not the neglect; I wanted it.) Well, he had a bedroom like a hoarder house so we slept on his old, crusty Ikea sectional couch, one microfiber blanket he never washed, no pillows. His head at one end, mine at the other. One Saturday night I woke up cold and in pain (I have MS) and there was literally nowhere on the couch for me. Not an inch. It was winter and he lived by the ocean so it was freezing. I finally curled up on the cold, hard black slate floor, my overnight bag for a pillow, and tried to sleep. I woke up to him yelling at me because he assumed I would be in pain from sleeping on the floor and would complain about hurting when we left the house later that day to go to his friend’s birthday party…where I knew no one and needed to be home planning my lessons for the next day. (I’m a teacher.) I was in agony but kept it quiet. But I did get in trouble for having tears in my eyes in the car on the way to the party. THAT he noticed!
This exactly true. Thanx. I bought your book.
In Germany, the criminal law contains paragraphs on omission (if there is a legal duty to act or a common sense to act, e.g. marriage or partnership) and that by this very purposeful omission (e.g. to provide food or rescue a life) serious harm was caused. One could take the very essence of this moral as an analogy for assessing the behavior of narcissists, who purposefully omit often even the bare minimum of healthy human behavior.
That fine line or what SEEMS like a fine line between benign neglect and deserved space for oneself. That said, it isn't necessarily a fine line. It depends on the situation and the context. #Wisdom #Discernment
My son was supposed to be under the ex narc's care while I was in the next room teaching. The toll on his personality being left to himself from the cradle.....I didn't know. I didn't know that if he wasn't fussing he was left to himself. Grief is grief.
Malignant neglect was/is the defining feature of the relationships I had with both my mother and my marriage/ex-husband. 1 eg: my 18th birthday, my mother made pancakes for everyone but told me to take out the compost. When I got back, she laughed and said they were all finished. My 22 year old (non-verbal autistic) son's last birthday (that I organised and invited him - my ex husband - to) he ordered and paid for a round of drinks for everyone but me (which is typical not isolated). Random examples among many
This was in my drop-down. Looking forward to it
I had both kinds from both of my parents. I was treated very badly and ignored.
Both forms feel bad but when you're a child and youre struggling and they just somehow don't notice because that's easier for them, that just stinks. It also stinks then that when that parent shows you interest, you're so hungry for it and just agree with their likes and dislikes because you don't want to loose it. I grew up believing my mother felt scared of my father like I did, she didn't! Or at least that's what she says. If that's true then she is guilty of bringing me into a home to suffer abuse. If a spouse is so harmful to a child and yet you turn a blind eye, that's not benign. Of course many years ago women could not leave, like my poor grandmother who was beaten by my grandfather, she had no choice or options at all. My mother had a choice, choosing to normalise that and then blame me for coming out the other end, screwed up.
“Benign” neglect, dismissal of my 5 years of complaining about mold stench caused the 2nd death of the dog the former other human jointly adopted with me. Horrific long-suffering death that neither Steven King nor “M. Night” Shyamalan could imagine.
Benign neglect is like trying to prove a negative. It’s highly subjective to you being able to manufacture tangible evidence and, even when you do, it’s still often minimal.
I got malignant neglect from my narcissistic mother. But, it was to the point of actual abuse. I did not need my mother, in my 50s, like I did, when I was a child. Still, as in any decent relationship, even when not with a parent, yeah, I experienced the “I have, because I’m great and you don’t, because you’re dirt.” And it was to the point of, “Commiting suicide? Oh, please do!” Side note: a lot of people say this about Boomers and it was what I indeed experienced. However, it presented an opportunity, for me to simply get on with my own life, once she needed me. That whole thing of “but it’s your mom” or “it must be dementia”? Sometimes, I think some people drop the dementia word, not because they’re entirely sure a parent has dementia. But simply to keep you in line,’with what they feel is normal, which is, “You do whatever you gotta do, for your parents, no matter what they do to you!” BS. I’d actually really wanted to. But when her very cognitive intentions became clear, that was finished. Narcissists surely do leave you thrashing around your own mind, however, trying to figure out whether it’s intentional or not. I pulled several things together and get it was intentional so, our relationship was finished.
I disagree about benign being the most harmful in a child. Although both are hurtful, the malignant neglect in my opinion-is worse. When you know that your parent is being intentionally cruel by ignoring your needs and feelings, is invidious.
Perfect. Thank you!! 🤍
I felt like a pet to be played with only when everything else was accomplished and I was the last option for his entertainment
Mom was often responsible for "benign" and "malignant" neglect. Don't care anymore, just want to get through this.
Dad was obviously worse but neglect wasn't his main offense.
As of 2023, the estimated global population is around 8 billion people. Cluster B personality disorders include conditions such as narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder.
The prevalence of these disorders can vary, but research suggests that approximately 1-2% of the general population may be affected by narcissistic personality disorder, around 1-2% for borderline personality disorder, and approximately 0.2-3% for antisocial personality disorder. Histrionic personality disorder is estimated to affect about 1-2% as well.
When considering all Cluster B disorders together, it's estimated that around 4-6% of the population might be affected by one or more of these disorders. This means that out of the 8 billion people in the world, approximately 320 million to 480 million people may have a Cluster B personality disorder.
Keep in mind that these figures are estimates and can vary based on factors such as geography, culture, and diagnostic criteria.
My dad didn’t tell me my aunt died while we were in a period of no contact.
Some of us are in really bad abusive situations…it’s not ok
Oh yeah... we weren't disengaged from the narcissistic family but they would withhold when grandma was very ill sometimes. Usually heart attacks. When my mom was on life support... some family told me they were at the hospital from early in the morning. I got the call at around 2 pm. It was a different city... a 3 hour drive to get there.
Ah.. my sister too... she never wrote to ask how I was after the TBI. I was ruminating about asking her about it and spent some time working out how to ask and if I should. The answer was hurtful. A darvo type thing. Then I think I went into explaining again. It's all in the chat. A contemptuous response to when I asked if she cares.
Dad may have been a mixed type narcissist... he had a lot of the neglectful type.
7:53 Know this stuff really well
I clicked this video hoping that the neglect I have experienced was benign. Of course not. It was a malignant neglect.
Love dies a natural death due to neglect..
I am happy, $42,000 every month! Now I can give back to the people in my community and also support the works of God and the church.
That's a major turn around. Praise be to Jesus our Lord. Hallelujah
But then, what do you do? How do you come about that in that period?
It has been Christine Elizabeth Lerma. That's been the secret to this wealth transfer. A lot of folks in the US amd abroad are getting so much from it, God has been good to my household Thank you Jesus.
Big Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested MS CHRISTINE ELIZABETH LERMA
Her top notch guidance and expertise on digital market changed the game for me
Thanks
It’s beyond neglect these people are murderous
Yes. My husband wouldn't take me to hospital for multiple gallstone attacks. My kids saved me - they insisted. I had pancreaitus. Husband said he didn't want to put me in the car each time when I was in agony. But didn't ring for an ambulance either. Or take me to the doctors the next day. Wouldn't get me medical care for a toxic spider bite. Refused me access to medical care for a collapsed lung. Etc etc. Thank God for the Dr's videos and for other people's comments.
What about a child doing it to the parent. I hope you do more videos about the adult child doing this to the parent.
What do you do when they just scream and yell at you. Got punched and hit with flying objects.
Thanks!
Sin of omission? Or both omission and commission?
bigfacts"
If I am grey rocking or gone no contact with someone I live with does that mean I am Benign or Milignant neglecting them?
No that's self-protective boundaries
So what do we do about it when we’re being malignantly neglected? I’m experiencing that now by an adult daughter who stopped talking to me 7 months after my husband of 30 years died. It’s been 2&1/2 months now. She lives 10 minutes away. How does one handle a situation like this?
5:18 triggered narcissism
💯🎯
41st, 7 February 2025
Looks like I lost a job.
How do I know if I've got bum worms ? Does the chemist sell bum worm chocolate? # bluey