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The triggers evidently go on for a while. And at a different length of time and intensity for each victim. But survival, by every sense of the word is coming. You remember that. At one point I made a speech on my film (which is available on the film's website under the Media tab) and I bring up that the most effective weapon in fighting what happened to you (including triggers) is to know who you are. That may sound like a simple sentence. It is not. Understanding that it is not you who is responsible for the strife you are in but the covert narcissist, is key. Therefore, when a trigger is squeezed, IMMEDIATELY stop and recount either out loud or to yourself who you are. Cut off the trigger, standing tall in who you are. Recover at your own rate. It's different for each of us, future Survivor.

@@jamesbonato2836 ❤️❤️❤️🙏🏿🙏🏿

That subtle-ness drove me to a state in my mind I couldn't describe. I was like "Why did it take me so long to understand my covert narc was a covert narc?" Of course I didn't know what one was, but it's the reason I made the film. I will tell you... and you cannot see it now and won't see it for a time... but you will grow out of this a stronger, wiser, softer person. And that's the "silver lining". Please keep this notion in your head. There will be days where you will see the light and then you will fall back. But don't take your eyes off that light for it will surely come. -James Bonato

Tina, I went through a phase myself in realizing what had happened to me. I was also heartbroken as well. I kept thinking "if only I knew what I know now. I should have never done this. I should have never done that" etc. etc. Hopefully you will gain strength from what you went through. I found it bit it took a while to realize the strength I have now was in me the whole time. Good luck.

Thanks for the hearts. Stay strong.

He was adorable, wasn't he. He learned his lines so well. Thank you for watching the film and giving me feedback. We are all in this thing together.

Thanks sos3979. I am furious about your mother-in-law story and the dogs. If I'm asked to speak about covert narcissism again... and I do speak on it off and on to groups... I'll have to add this atrocious story to the examples. I appreciate the comment on the film. It solidifies that I've made a difference in understanding what covert narcissism is.

My CN was a Life Coach. Last person in the world to have someone advising you. Sorry you went through that.

Rodney, so very hard and sickening to read what you wrote and I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I found making the film therapeutic. But others like yourself and the ones you mentioned, falls way short in what can be done. I was lucky. What can we do? Talking about it helps. What you say about it being dangerous and to question everything, is piercing. Let me tell you (and everyone reading this) of the seriousness of NPD. And that is this: Both you and I became experts in what this is and it probably wasn't something we wished we had become well versed in, right? How many fellow victims/survivors have I communicated with since making the film? Over one hundred, Rodney. So get this... my two-year episode with my covert narcissist was the most ghastly, rancid part of my life. And it beat the heck out of whatever was in second place. Guess where I would rank myself in severity of the 118 (I'm guessing at the figure) stories I've heard. 118th!!!! That's right. Every story was far worse what I went through. Are you understanding what I'm saying? If I was the mildest case... and it was the hardest thing I've ever endured, are you getting a hint of the evilness NPD is? Thanks for watching the film and writing me. -James Bonato

Thank you for that. I slept with a dangerous human predator for ten years. I lived near to Helen bailey, she was murdered and I lived. I know how dangerous this really is. I'm thinking of a PhD thesis right now, I know that overcoming the aggressive narcissist means developing your inner psychopath and responding to the human narcissist in a way that mirrors an evil force. This sounds highly dramatic, I don't care. Bottom line? I can talk all day about the presence of human evil that fromm and peck talk about, but until you are confronted by actual human evil - cold reptilian evil - you cannot fathom the deep psychological impact evil imposes upon you.

@@jamesbonato2836 I'm sorry you went through that. I have become very saddened yet hardened against any predator who seeks to exploit or kill me. My inner psychopath has been cultivated to the point whereby the human narcissist will be crucified rather than exploring my lack of knowledge or my "daftness" which does not exist since I have learned they they kill people and get away with it.

@@jamesbonato2836 Thank you James. Though I make no excuses or apology for naming evil for what it shows itself to be through aggressive pathological narcissism, or malignant narcissism that Fromm spoke of. I continue to study human predation and the complicated psychodynamics that go along with this terrible disorder. I am also learning to observe, not just see - this can save your life! We must know the difference between love and 'stupid love' , as well as trauma-bonding (these are all very different things). I have found that you can talk about human evil, you can tell someone about evil sure. But until you are in its presence you don't really know it - not on a deep psychological level. You will know it is evil because it feels entirely 'otherly' and you will have a physical reaction to it, which gives rise to instant repulsion. When the person 'goes reptilian' and acts on this basis it is totally shocking. I am glad to have survived from this and life has returned.

@@rodneyhenchliffe754 This would be a fabulous idea for a PhD thesis!

"The little boy" you refer to grew up to become a therapist. He still is one today. The audio interview I did with him was absolutely brutal. He was more than eager to participate and tell his story for my documentary. When I finished it, the first three people I showed it to were the three victims (turned survivors). The little boy was not able to watch the entire film. It was too triggering. But he was glad he contributed to the film. Perhaps one day, he'll watch it to the end.

I'm sorry you had to deal with your mother doing all that.

I think we need to support fellow victims in letting them know the feeling of dread is not forever. It feels like it will be that way when you are in the middle. But you WILL become a survivor. Thank you for posting!

The "pandemic" statement... Here's what I did in making the film: I obviously could not have the real victims/survivors of covert narcissism in the film for obvious reasons (although one of the three pushed me hard to be in it). I wanted the film to be truly non-fiction, though. I wanted it to be absolutely genuine. So I tape recorded the three subjects of the film (the real ones, not the actors). And I transcribed the audio tape to the shooting script, splitting it up between the three stories. And the actors said the lines in the script almost word for word when on camera. I will tell you that our young man was deeply ranting when he was describing covert narcissism as a pandemic. I knew that section of his audio taped interview was going in the film!

In addition, I am very sorry for your dilemma. 20 years is 20 years too long. In studying covert narcissism, I talked to near 100 folks over the years. I have found my saga with my covert narcissist (although the most damaging part of my life) was rather tame to the stories I came across. The last thing I wanted to do was become an expert on covert narcissism. And I thank you for the compliment on making the film. I wish you luck with the therapy. Ya know.... you might want to watch my speech on the subject where I rant and rave and lose my cool, half way through the speech. It's on the "media" page, first choice at the top.

Can I let you in on a secret? (haha, a secret... I am writing it on TH-cam) I like that line about "saying nothing at all". But of all the thousands of hours of filming I've done in my career, my favorite thing I ever film was said by the same therapist who's like you liked. She says "The person in relationship with the narcissist is a very powerful person because... they know". Lydia, there is very little satisfaction in any facet of being a victim of covert narcissism. But I have to tell you... that line gives me some peace.

What does TFP stand for? I Googled it and found Transference Focused Psychotherapy. Is this what you are referring to?

It took me a long time to truly see the whole picture. I realized what the experience did for me in allowing me to grow, and make the best of what happened. Quite frankly, making the documentary film was therapy for me. You are right though, when the mask came off my covert narcissist, it was the hardest fight of my life.

I made an attempt to get my film into several local high schools because I agree with you 100%. But it fell on deaf ears. :(

But what if the administrators and school board are full of narcissists.

@@SamStone1964 , the best thing I could do is at least try to get my film into the local school system. (Montgomery County, Maryland) I was categorically turned down at every step. Whether that was because there was a narcissist on the board, I don't know. I kinda doubt it. I think it was just a taboo things where it would be opening up a can of worms for faculty-parent relations.

Hi Martha, I am behind you 100%. Can I use this quote for the "Feedback" section of the film's website? It's a top comment. -James Bonato

And where are we going to find all these healthy parents to do the reparenting.

I'm sorry Notaclue. For me, I kept wanting to go back and time and wish I never responded to some of the things that my covert narcissism was doing. I have said to myself "If I only knew then what I know now." So I don't think at all that you should be labeled as "blind" or not having a clue. You were just being a caring individual. The only think we can do now is to learn from what was done to us and be careful that it doesn't happen again with another person. You won't, though. You know what one looks like. So do I. In fact, I can immediately ID them very quickly. You should see how quickly I walk away. No one plays the control card with me anymore. Nor can they manipulate me. So it's manipulation minused to nothing.

Robin, stay strong! Stay strong and stand firm about not moving in. I have found in making this film that it takes we victims a long, long time to understand what was done to us. We want to be there for our narcs, thinking they might be able to see the light. And the joke is on us because we can try for years before we know they have a disorder and cannot grasp the concept of empathy. They can mimic it, but they can never know. Our reward? We get attacked. Thanks for commenting, Robin.

Claudia, I am trying to put into words how your message has made me feel. I made the film to help fellow folks like you and me know they are not alone. Would you be so kind as to let me post this comment in the "feedback" page on the film's website? People need to hear this. -James Bonato

LindM, I have found that I had to go through what I had to go through to leave the situation I was in with my covert narcissist. For you, leaving Mom's house. It sounds like you now know what you have to do. But actually doing it is another thing. Keep going in that direction and it will find you. On that day, start a new healthy life. Stay the course. That is what happened to a few of the victims in my film. As you can see, they finally made it. -James Bonato

30 years!?!?!??! *sigh* I have no words for that. It sounds like you would have been perfect for the film. It took me a long time to narrow it down to the three folks/stories to be in the film. I am saddened that you saw so much of your life in the film. But at least now you can point to my documentary and say "See!? See!? This is what I went though! See?!" That's actually why I made the film. To give fellow victims a platform to tell their story. I am hoping your future will be powerful and a turn-around from what you went through. -James Bonato

DeeCee, my covert narcissist was in the therapy field too!!!!!! I could not grasp that someone who had that profession could be any form of a narcissist because this is what their profession is. It doesn't matter, DeeCee. They can't see themselves for who they are... even though they probably come across the subject often in their profession. As for your narc finding a new supply, it makes my heart sink that they simply move on, not looking back or understanding the destruction they have caused. I hope you found the film useful. I made it for folks like you and me who are victims. it took me over a year to become a survivor. I hope the films teaches (and warns) people of what a covert narcissist is.

I have recently told a few people of my visit to you. I am so glad I met you and did this film. And all my films. It's what I was meant to do. I'm trying hard right now to generate a 5th documentary. You all have inspired me to keep going with these things. Thanks.

I cannot say. But one has to remember that convert narcissists are beyond brilliant at making we victims believe what is real and what is not. I went through what you are feeling to a certain extent. My narc was a "friend" and not a romantic partner. But it is very hard for a victim to put their feet into their shoes. It has a lot more to do than them playing the victim which they do so well. Imagine if you will, a person unable to know what true friendship or true love is. They only can mimic it. We assume we can reach them and know them. But there is nothing for us to know if nothing is there except a selfishness shell. Someone who is so ashamed of themselves that they lash out at we victims simply because we challenged them. I'm sorry for your problem. I hope some of your issues were addressed by the therapists in this film.

Thank you so much Claudia. I appreciate your comment so, so very much.