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Ive thought of this before, my phrase would be "you have 5 seconds to leave or your life is forfit"

Stick on that kettle pal

His face is like what the fuck that is so creepy 😂😂

i'd probably go "come back with a warrant."

midnight wolf is a beggar who tries to get people to subscribe. If you want those, EARN THEM! People will do them when THEY WANT to, not when you WANT THEM to. You do not deserve subscriptions.

midnight wolf is a beggar who tries to get people to subscribe. If you want those, EARN THEM! People will do them when THEY WANT to, not when you WANT THEM to. You do not deserve subscriptions.

“The Bombs payload is exposed. I can use the power winch to trigger a controlled explosion.”

There was a fella I think criminal near here having a sit in protest on the roof of a local landmark. Demanding something. The cop shouted ' I know your mother' and got him down. Isle of Man not Ireland.

This is a great crowd.

Well, being belligerent on account that we were being robbed? I found the two guys, swung from close but didn't connect as they were on the wrong side of the gates, got out there after them, one was in the car but the tall guy was holding me back gesturing he would throw MY motor-cycle battery into my body, an interesting conundrum as he moved in front of the car, after I said 'you will only throw that once' but now the other guy is at the wheel, if I run forward at the big guy, I might get run over, if I go behind, same, and if I try to 'get him' getting into the passenger side. then I surely will be struck somehow and damaged because the car is aligned along the hedge, no room to move, you will get hit? So, I ran at the car and booted the drivers window, without success, hang on a minute? I have some great boots but they aren't made for kicking in car windows? Great on slopes, lasted for 13 years, HOWEVER, I have also practiced full contact martial arts for more then 20 years, so my next kick wasn't going to bounce off the car window, it was going to come straight into it. At which point the 'driver' spun the tires down the road and funniest thing I ever seen, his mate/pal/cousin, as both of us just went 'what the fuck'?, except he was turning around with his mouth wide open until he realised the guy had stopped 40 yards down the way heI was nearer, turned and threw the battery in my general direction, this guy should sprint for Ireland, impressive speed.

"Another sacrifice for the anal fire"

6:35 You got to admit, yelling PEEK A BOO at a burglar Might be enough to get them to leave.

Dara O' Briain is really good at improv XD

Well I'm a knife collector, so I have a choice to pick from. You brake into my home, you're not leaving.

Get tae fok! 🤭

Not so much a holiday, but a four day A-level geology field trip to the Dorset coast, our clueless geology teachers took us miles along an inaccessible (for a reason, as it turned out!) beach to look at some strata in the cliffs, little realising that we had encroached onto Military Of Defence land. A stray shell exploded in the shallow water less than twenty feet away from us, sending a column of splintered rock and water shooting into the sky. We stood there frozen for what seemed like eternity, then were swiftly ushered away by the teachers. They refused to discuss what happened for the rest of the trip.

I stopped an attempted burglary when I was eight. I'd fallen asleep on the couch while watching TV with my parents in the den, which faced the back garden through a sliding glass door. I woke up around 2 a.m. to see two hunched, dark figures. It took me a while to determine that they weren't animals but people trying to force the bolt on the back door. I had a plan, but as backup I grabbed a poker in case of a physical confrontation and the phone if it became necessary to dial the police. Reasoning that they'd be fairly anxious trying to break in without being detected, I decided that making a sudden loud noise and then flashing on the outside lights would probably scare them off. And that's exactly what I did. I banged five times on the glass with my fist as hard as my 8-year-old body could manage and then flicked the lights on and dove out of sight, so they wouldn't see their opponent was just a little boy. It was a tense couple of minutes before I decided to put my head out and see if it worked, but it did. They had run off, leaving only a little bit of damage to the wood of the door jamb as a testament to ever having been there.

"We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty"

Those first thirty seconds explains my life.

So brilliant 😂😂😂

Truly hilarious, love this guy.

Thanks! It is 2:00 a.m. and I am going to go to sleep giggling.

I know this gives me distance at airports...but I look nervously at my cell phone...pick it up after two vibrations... After picking up go into my fake Italian accent I fake a conversation with a hit man and hang up after yelling YOU HID THE BODY WHERE???!!!??? Then I'm guaranteed to be the last person out of the elevator... I yelled that at a burglar once and he knocked himself out going through the window he didn't break open... I called the police to pick him up if he's still moving... I told the story to the policeman and he was bent over double with laughter... I just went into the garage and put up the makeshift screen until my order for new windows were ready...

The JESUS IS WATCHING YOU comment was genius... How many pit bulls are named Jesus anyway???

I lived in a slightly rough area for a couple years and my solution to scare off anyone attempting to case my house was to occasionally cackle like Harley Quinn at the top of my lungs for as long as I could manage it, projecting directly into the neighborhood. Car got broken into now and then but the thing was so old it had a cassette player so people generally rummaged through it, got bored, then left their trash behind because it was already full of other debris. I only figured out they'd been in there because my glove box was hanging open and I found slurpy cups, even though I never drank those.😅

Small dogs are actually way scarier than big ones because they're faster and tend to be less well trained, so small dog noises might actually work well 🤷.

I know your mother works too scare people anywhere in the world actually...

Thanks so m uch....

Met my burglar grumpy in a bathrobe and holding a smallsword as he was coming out of the spare room. Rapped his knuckles when he tried to grab the blade then walked him back out to the living room, sat him down, and called the cops. Sounds grand like that, but I live pretty far out, so after holding a sword at ready for ten or fifteen minutes, my shoulder was screaming.

Every time I watch this, when Dara is saying "boo" when talking about the living doll, he always looks like the mask from Scary Movie. Or maybe that one painting from Salvador Dali with the clocks melting from trees & the guy screaming in the foreground. (And you thought LSD was an American drug!)

I have seen off one attempted burglar with a cricket ball to the chest as he was trying to climb into a bedroom window (insomnia has its advantages). These days I think loud verbal instructions to the wife to chain the front gate shut as there was fresh meat in the kitchen.

how about pretending to be a multilevel marketing seller? and try to convince them to join under you and they could eventually be a millionaire? the fake cheerful attitude would probably be enough to be honest

I still come here all these years later for the smile

Grab them from behind and whisper in their ear, "where will _you_ be when diarrhea strikes?"

"Would you like a cup, f tea,"

"We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty"

It's the look of utter shame at "I kicked an armadillo" for me 😆

It's a lot scarer than knock knock isnt it? Knock knock seems like a long time ago now 😂😂😂 kills me every time!

I have a sword above my bed (literally points at my head while I sleep) and a nerf gun on my side table. My plan is, shoot them with the nerf gun, and while they process that attack non vital areas with the sword until they can neither run nor fight back, then call the police and get arrested because an unsheathed sword is assault with a deadly weapon where I live, even in self defense

Couple of years ago Me and my fiancee were at a holiday park and for whatever reason I walked into the wrong caravan. I sat down and turned on the TV and I didn't even realise I was in the wrong one until an elderly couple came out of the bedroom. I shat myself and ran out the caravan and my fiancee was outside the caravan laughing her ass off

I genuinely had to pause just so I could stop laughing and catch my breath. Is there an acronym for that? lshicb, laughing so hard I couldn't breathe?

Knock knock 😂

Why say anything, just shoot him, then say stop or I'll shoot, again!

I live how what youd do to scare away a burglar is a completely reasonable conversation in Britain. Where I live in Texas we would just shoot them

One of my high school teachers had a situation where he was showering and heard what he thought was a burglar breaking in. Being a sciencey person, he grabbed a bottle of ammonia and a bottle of bleach from under the sink with the plan to basically dump both and run if/when they found the burglar. (If you don’t know, mixing ammonia and bleach makes chlorine gas.) Turns out it was a raccoon who’d accidentally been slamming the garbage cans against the wall LOL

In an exited voice scream, "We have another one get the strap on and the lube I'll get the knives and preheat the oven."

Stark naked. Run. Scream like a maniac. Have a broomstick.

"good evening. Would you like coffee or tea?“

I have a sugarcane cutter/machete leaning against the wall near the bedroom door. It is 24 inches long, with a hook at the end. I call it my persuader. No burglars going to stay long if I walk out holding that.

Thank you! This video was quick and to the point, which I appreciated. Thanks again!