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My journal. My thoughts. I’m crazy, that’s how you’ve made me feel if it’s even you, do you know what you’ve done, I’m not happy at all with you, sat crying that’s all I do and on a night is smoke every night, I’m feeling so confused, with all the drama, it’s affected me mentally - meaning my nerves - feeling that it’s not real - I get to near there I shake no bad feeling uneasy - scared - petrified, that it’s just an illusion and you don’t want me there, that’s how I’m feeling, you screwed with my brain, that it’s all in my head. I don’t know why you would want to do all the tactics, I’m missing you again, it just like my hearts breaking all over again, songs and poems doesn’t seem enough, they saying one thing and your saying another, so now all thanks to you, games or what, you choice quickly what’s it going to be, because you’ve had control all the time you did a fantastic job at doing what you want to do, I’ve got no control, probably now you’ll the tables round and call me a liar or you’ll say I don’t love you. You’ve made me petrified

fry

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I thought I would write something in my journal it’s been a few days. It’s been quite in general nothing to report, other than I have been working on my poem which I feel its almost complete. I thought I might share with you all. In a beat I felt your energy any your emotions, I felt your warmth like it was flowing inside me, the sensations I felt was overwhelming, deep down I knew always, but I denied it at first, of all the illusions were puzzling me, this love holds no restraints and the longing of the heart. My poem is called - My Hearts Desire. Thank you for listening everyone I wish you a good night

My note. I love you James ❤️

I thought I would share I wrote a small verse to a previous comment. It goes, my mountains will be moving very soon, I stand my ground, and make the path my way, I move anything that is in my way, like a butterfly beautiful and gentle, that’s seems to melt any mountain away. Thank you for listening I wish you a good night

My note. Poem lyrics. I felt you tonight, you are burning up, so hot like a ragging hot bull gagging for me, I felt the sensations all over my body, I felt so hot dry at the mouth my breathing rather faster, I know I want you to finish what we started, our bond was unique, I want to make love, forever to you. I might add some more poem lyrics soon. Thank you everyone I wish you a good night

My note. I never knew and still don’t really if you like me or hate me like you’ve told me many times.

My notes. It just felt like you pushed me away with all your tactics.

My note. Have you left me

My note continued. James I am scared if anything should happen and I go to prison that’s my fear, that none of this is real, why did you do your tactics was it to prove a point or you don’t really want me there. Do you understand where I am coming from the through a spanner in the works.

My note. To my boyfriend James! I feel mostly that you’ve confused me with all the stuff, it’s left me feeling scared and apprehensive of feelings that it’s not true, so you need to give me support if it is and if possible meet me half way, no point in losing something fantastic if it’s true. So if anything happens that we don’t connect it’s no fault of mine, you know me better than anyone so don’t let us part please, I really love you, I always have not for anything else, trust me I will this time do the right thing, remember your my supporter I’m relying on you to help if you can.

My notes. In a poem I have just heard. It talks about letting me go, so your choosing to leave well thanks a lot for that, did I offend with a comment I made, there were nothing personal spoken to you, I didn’t know it was you, stop playing games with me, all the stuff you’ve done to me,then quickly as ALWAYS you turn the tables round, it’s been a really rubbish weekend without you, warm drinks sound good, will you meet me halfway all the crap made me nervous and afraid, you need to know these things before you blame me for not caring, how dare you.

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I am writing in early today maybe to finish a little on my poem. It was rather dull earlier but I’m sat in the garden enjoying the little sun, wrapped up but the air feels beautiful, enjoying the birds whistling and the quietness feels peaceful. Deeps in thoughts now my poem. Sometimes I try and wonder your thoughts, we are learning new things everyday and feeling stronger, the courage and wisdom almost feels complete, with gods intervention he know when the time comes, then we’ll join and become one, with gods timing. Thank you for listening everyone I wish you a nice day

Deep down you caused all my negativity then you ignore me if you want

I think I can remember a little what I wrote. I had a quiet day I managed doing some chores felt a miserable day in general. Poem lyrics. I miss you, you think I don’t care, you are my past, my present and my future, I never lost the love I felt for you it grew stronger, I’m sat thinking of you, another night you are alone and so am I, missing you badly, I miss you, I miss our closeness, I miss us talking, I miss us cuddling up, I see you I just want to melt, don’t you know that I love you, not for the sex that’s not a problem I can’t organ often anyways, I want to kiss you, the thought of that alone, holding hands cuddling together that’s all I wanted, you know me more than anyone and even understand me, sometimes and mostly I still feel like it’s not true, all your tactics isn’t easy, then I’m not sure if you really want me never mind like me, my nerves let’s me down, the obstacles the illusions is it a mask, to cover up your real feelings, all the time your like a ragging bull going full throttle, it confuses me, why all the tactics, what is it even for, you should know how I feel, I know your feeling low tonight like me, feeling daunted and shite, of longing to be together, I want only to show you love, it feels all the time that your sending mixed signals your confusing me for god sake please listen to me, I will hopefully continue tomorrow I’m feeling tired. Thank you for listening and a good night

I wrote 3 messages tonight one of them was longing but it seems it didn’t save on here, it explained a lot more in detail, I can’t remember what I said, but I know it was my true feelings about you

Another I forgot to mention. You say you listen to me that I’m the only person you listen to, I don’t believe that for one second, you’ll only do what you want to do, you say I’m the only person who knows you, I would say your right there, even so you make me laugh, what a load of cobblers your talking to me, sincere and honest two people I’ve ever known, what a lot of years we lost, I just hope faith and god can help sort this out, before we lose each other again, if you love me like you say, I’m scared now incase it’s not real with all the obstacles and bills makes me very wary to say the least, are you understanding me to come to a middle if we can, or what lol.

Another thing I forgot to include. My nerves won’t me near that place, with the bills again, I put my trust in you, you wasn’t there to support me, you just hurt me more, I don’t know why it’s so hard, or you don’t really want me, yes I’ve had smokes I would of liked just relaxing or chatting with you, I miss that, I miss you, nice songs always cheer me up, I’ve felt so sad tonight and so lonely, it feels like no one even loves me.

I thought I would write something tonight in my journal. It has been a while I needed to clear my thoughts it helps writing it down on paper sometimes. It has been a quiet day in general, caught up with some jobs today it’s been a fairly decent day in general. I thought I might include some poem lyrics what I am still working on. Your my life, your are my past, you are my present and my future, I want you to know I really love you, I’ve felt so angry and feeling Red Fiery Temper because I miss you, it’s fri what a quiet night, I should be spending it with you, you think I don’t care how dare you, your tactics what for, what does it prove to me, you’ve showed no love, towards me at ALL. Now you’re alone tonight and so am I, you’ve not even contacted me at all, that tells me you don’t like me, I’m sat broken hearted another shite Friday night, I took my son to work tonight and came home I’ve had a lot of smokes, miss you, miss our closeness, miss us talking, miss us cuddling up, miss you so much, I’m just longing to kiss you, the thought of that I get nervous, I want to taste your lips so bad, it feels like I’m begging, thurs again and photo, why won’t you help me, you know I’m struggling, feeling tired of rejection, I’m sat crying again smoking and feeling shite, why is it so hard, what’s going on, I want to know, so tell me please, it feels the same that you don’t want me there. That’s all I’m tired tonight I think an early night. Thank you everyone for listening I wish you a good night

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🔥🔥🔥❤❤❤Good Work👏👏👏

❤this vibes🔥🔥🔥

Another thing. You’ve made me feel crazy, bills now 3 times. Being told abuse. Stopped parking. And much more. I was told by the bills YOU don’t want me here. So thanks a lot. Now I suppose you’ll give me shit for nothing, all I wanted was to show you love, that’s all but you always pushed me away, making ME think it’s all in my head. Thank you so much appreciated that you would scoop so low at pulling me down, making me think it’s all in my head, so now it’s looks like nothing because I’ve imagined it. Thanks for screwing with my mind, you’ll probably turn the tables and say that I didn’t love you, I’m crying shaking writing this I don’t understand you either want me or you don’t, simple and easy, without all this crap for what, you’ve pushed us away further, telling me you don’t want me.

You’ve made me feel like I’ve imagined it all which I probably have anyways what a nice thought it was to believe that you wanted me I’ve gone crazy….. Thank you everyone for listening I wish all a good night

My notes. I feel I can’t win either way. Where is my support it’s always the same. Something needs to make me feel easy that’s all. It looks like it’s not you because you hate me.

My note. Do you love me even. Sometimes it feels you don’t, all I want to do is hold you and nothing. You never give me a chance.

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I thought I would write something in quickly tonight. It’s Sunday tomorrow it’s been a quiet day today a little cold but overall not too bad. A few poem lyrics I will include for my poem I’m working on. I have thought about you none stop, thinking about us forming a bond, do you know I love you, can I say it again so you can hear I love you, I need the other part of me, I feel I can’t cope much longer I need you now, just longing to hold you that’s all I want, just someone to love me it’s been so long, just to be loved for being me, all I think about is kissing you, I’m excited and nervous at the same time, how would it feel I’ve tried imagining at the same time, touching and caressing I need to show you love, I promise I won’t let you go, unless you say no, I won’t stop fighting till I have you in my arms, I love you. Thank you for listening everyone I wish you a good night

My note. Are you still here or have you gone is it real or not

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cool

I thought I would write something in here tonight I have a lot on my mind. Yesterday was a fairly decent day in general. However I cleaned this morning for one of my clients, I used to clean for when I had my cleaning business, I know I only do three hours but it is nice it makes me feel brighter in myself, I had to finish my cleaning business in 2016 due to a disability. That was hard the feeling of feeling hopeless and no good anymore, it’s makes a person miss what they used to do. Then I couldn’t drive for two years until I got a motability car having some independence it did me the world of good. At first I had to walk with a walking frame, then went down to walking with two crutches, I thought all this time I’ve not stopped fighting, I put myself through the mill with exercising and walking, now I walk with one walking stick, I walk a small distance without a stick sometimes, although I have to be careful my knees can give way, I broke my knee and my ankle at the same time, I couldn’t even walk for quite a while, so where’s I’ve been and where I am now I feel so lucky, better off than most unfortunate or poorly people in the world, it’s been rather difficult to get used to what I can only do these days, there are a lot that I can’t do but hey I suppose that’s life, better than most I think I get by and do what I can, I always have a smile on my face usually what’s the point of being miserable, you’ve got to got on with it you either make it in life or you don’t. There was a time at Christmas last year, I had that much stress from my son he caused me to have a nervous breakdown, with that brought on anxiety nervousness low worth in myself I suffer that too, uncertainties or doubt in myself, I lived alone for years it’s not too much the loneliness anymore it’s the company of a companion or affection I miss the most, a year ago I sort of started seeing someone, but I ended that four months prior, I never once told him I loved him or even called him baby, I’ve not let anyone in in all these years, the only one I wanted to let in, is the man I ended my marriage for, that’s the only one. Now while on that subject - he thinks I’m telling lies, the hardest thing was believing it was ever true, that’s where my mind is at this moment, I lost my mum and my dog in 2022, that was hard it brought on deep depression, it’s just now that I’m feeling a tad better, I have just finished my counselling - due to stoking can you believe, maybe false signs and signals was used unnecessary abusive language, bills twice, hatred in your eyes, no love at all showed to me that’s all I wanted, no sweet affections or sweet f as or forget me, how dare you blame me, my look in my eyes were not if you think I wanted that between your legs, you are very wrong, you pushed me away like I looked or felt like dirt that you rub off your shoes, I did want to have a relationship with you, I was always to afraid in case it wasn’t real, and you say I’m not trust worthy, and that u don’t mean what I say, I’ve missed you everyday it’s felt so long, I remember someone showing me a pic of you and your baby, it tore me in two that I wasn’t worth anything to you, I gave up everything for you, for you. And I would do it all over again but this time I wouldn’t lose you. I apologise how I acted I regret it everyday I loved you back then, I never said it, I touched you in a way I’ve never touched anyone before, I think that’s it for tonight, I’m going to bed I’m so tired upset and pissed off. Thank you everyone for listening and wish you all a good night

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To be honest you have me questioning again if it’s all in my head. And you don’t really want me, all I want to do is love you that’s all, it feels so hard sometimes it feels like I’m fighting and getting no where, why won’t you believe me, it’s all the time I’m tired of crying for you, that’s all I do is longing to connect with you, form a bond if you’ll let me in or even near, maybe it’s all in my head after, I need direction or some kind of sign, I feel that you still hate me most of the time.

My note. You have no intentions of making it easy, do I need to beg or pray more, I know maybe you have doubts about me, I can assure you my words are my truth, you take the photo in a distance, just promise me you’ll go easy, I won’t stop trying I fight for your love back, I’ll get stronger then when I do you won’t stop me, I might have a few days left, the longer you keep me from you is making me angry, anyways I get to see your face to fight another day, I love you it’s the truth. I can’t think of anymore to document today. Peace and happiness to all I wish you a good evening

My notes. All falls down. I never felt stupid for loving you, I never knew you loved me, I never stopped loving you, I want you in my arms right now, no more time wasting, I want you back.

My notes. My thoughts for today I might include some poem lyrics. It feels absolutely like I’m standing on cotton candy today the feeling nervousness and believing in self doubts, I’m taking some fresh in the rain my head is pounding. Poem, I feel sometimes it’s make believe, my lover I’m thinking of you all the time, thinking if you really love me, that’s my doubts I’m having, please meet me half way, if you truly mean it, I will do the rest, all I know I want you, these months hasn’t been exactly easy, but I continued because my heart wants what it wants, that is you your my one.

My notes. Just promise me one thing you don’t leave until I get it right, I really love you.

🔥🔥🔥Good work ❤️❤️❤️👏👏👏

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My note. I was waiting for you not someone else who talks and looks at me like dirt saying he was reporting me, it brought me feeling doubtful feelings confused, so why didn’t you come out I asked you nice, now about you blame me for not being like you, I can’t win this unless you just come out, it looks like you’ve given in and thanks a lot for your help of support.