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Thanks for this video. You seem like a genuinely kind and thoughtful person and even had me tearing up when you talked about wanting people to be happy and your struggle with that desire. I feel like I relate quite a bit, especially to the alienation, your desire to help, the placement of expectations on yourself you don’t place on others and even the part about money. And I’m curious about the things you get joy from that people don’t understand. For me it’s the almost endless speculation about matters that most people don’t even think is worth consideration. When it comes to wanting to be useful or helpful, for me, there’s a satisfaction in thinking, theorizing, speculating for its own sake but I definitely would like for it all to be useful or helpful in some broader way, which is why that thinking goes in a certain direction. I tend to focus on mistakes we as humans are making in the ways we’re forming, justifying, and acting on our beliefs and how our society is arranged in ways that harm us and other species in unnecessary ways. It’s weird. I’m not terribly interested in being involved with a lot of people but do want to contribute to the lives of a lot of people in some positive way, from a distance if possible. I wonder if you might relate to this: When it comes to identity, being, and interacting, one thing I struggle with is wanting to be engaging, wanting someone to feel comfortable, validated, and heard while also wanting to be in alignment with myself and authentic to what I believe is interesting, important, or true. Being an engaging conversation partner can often feel like it requires me to step outside of myself because I mostly experience myself as “completely me” when I’m alone, exploring in my head. And maintaining conversation usually requires a departure from that. It becomes most difficult to do when I’m talking with someone about matters so far from what energizes me to think about or discuss but I still have this desire to ensure that they know they’re worth listening to at that moment. It’s like I often see other people as the sensitive child they have inside and am cautious about neglecting it even though that child is not my responsibility. I appreciate that you have such an enduring interest in other people. That feels really difficult for me to have and maintain because, for whatever reason, I seem most interested in how what people say is related to my current understanding of what’s true. And I tend to keep things at a surface level and have trouble being more interested/curious because, judging from experience, it doesn’t seem like most people are interested in diving into the roots of their beliefs or traveling to the edges of what they believe. They tend to remain in a mental comfort zone collecting more of what doesn’t challenge their worldview. And that’s difficult and unfortunate because the most engaging, energizing conversation I can have is usually one where I explore something at the edge of my understanding and have someone explore that with me or challenge it in some way. It’s still possible, though, that my issue is that I’m giving too much weight to other people’s feelings over my own expression, favoring their internal child over my own, which results in my holding back. And that I’m treating people too cautiously, and not giving them enough credit or faith because of my experiences with others and because I don’t want to draw too much attention or generate conflict. It’s likely that I just need to be testing my assumptions in reality to consistently prove them right or wrong. Anyway, I’m glad you uploaded this and hope you end up uploading more. I found you because I was looking up SPD. I’ve considered myself to have schizoid traits for a while and like to check if there’s anyone new talking about it.

I get you! The experience of life is a hard task to put into words, but you did a good job. Inauthenticity kills human beings and todays society have little room for the fear and emptiness a lot of people carry with them. Thus we learn to mask and it is soulcrushing...