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Terry Real
United States
เข้าร่วมเมื่อ 4 ม.ค. 2023
Welcome to my channel! I'm Terry Real, a relationship and couples therapist with over 30 years of experience. I created Relational Life Therapy (RLT), an integrative approach that empowers individuals and couples to build authentic, honest, and intimate connections. Here, you'll find actionable advice for improving your marriage and relationships, plus guidance for therapists and mental health professionals. Subscribe for expert tips on love, communication, and personal growth.
How To Hold Space For Your Partner
Holding space for your partner is more than just listening - it’s about truly being present and creating a safe emotional environment.
In this video, I’ll teach you how to stay present, offer empathy, and resist the urge to fix things immediately, showing how silence, empathy, and compassionate curiosity can transform your relationship. Learn how to support your partner without rushing to fix their problems, fostering deeper connection and understanding.
If you found this video helpful, please subscribe for more tips on building a strong and connected relationship.
In this video, I’ll teach you how to stay present, offer empathy, and resist the urge to fix things immediately, showing how silence, empathy, and compassionate curiosity can transform your relationship. Learn how to support your partner without rushing to fix their problems, fostering deeper connection and understanding.
If you found this video helpful, please subscribe for more tips on building a strong and connected relationship.
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Living With A Narcissist
มุมมอง 898วันที่ผ่านมา
Is your partner’s narcissism making life unbearable? It doesn’t have to stay that way. Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting, but change is possible. In this video, I discuss the patterns you'll face when living with a narcissistic partner, and I provide tools to help you manage and improve your relationship. Learn how to stand up for yourself, set clear boundaries, and to foster more emp...
From Withdrawal to Reconnection: A Step-by-Step Guide
มุมมอง 1K14 วันที่ผ่านมา
So you feel emotionally distant from your partner. Recognizing the problem is only step one: you will need concrete steps to bridge the gap. In this follow-up to our previous video on emotional avoidance, I offer a detailed guide on moving from withdrawal back to closeness. I’ll explain why withdrawal might feel safe but ultimately harms your relationship, and I will teach you practical steps t...
Relationship Repair: How to Reconnect with Your Partner
มุมมอง 97721 วันที่ผ่านมา
Relationship Repair: How to Reconnect with Your Partner
Does Withdrawing Ever Work in Relationships?
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Does Withdrawing Ever Work in Relationships?
Why Retaliation Never Works: Understanding the Cycle of Anger
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Why Retaliation Never Works: Understanding the Cycle of Anger
The Hidden Effects of Trauma in Relationships
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The Hidden Effects of Trauma in Relationships
What is mutual triggering in relationships?
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What is mutual triggering in relationships?
The Difference Between Confidence and Self-Esteem
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The Difference Between Confidence and Self-Esteem
Stop complaining and get what you want in your relationship
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Stop complaining and get what you want in your relationship
How Are You Showing up in Your Relationships?
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How Are You Showing up in Your Relationships?
Signs you need to let your guard down. Walled off, disconnected, isolated, emotionally unavailable,
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Signs you need to let your guard down. Walled off, disconnected, isolated, emotionally unavailable,
Can you be too close in your relationship?
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Can you be too close in your relationship?
Are you really in love or just addicted to it?
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Are you really in love or just addicted to it?
The quiet relationship killer: How resentment destroys your relationship - slowly, but surely
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The quiet relationship killer: How resentment destroys your relationship - slowly, but surely
Expert Advice on Your Relationship Problems [Real Talk Episode 5]
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Expert Advice on Your Relationship Problems [Real Talk Episode 5]
How To Love Yourself Unconditionally
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How To Love Yourself Unconditionally
How To Stop Judging and Start Loving Yourself
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How To Stop Judging and Start Loving Yourself
Relationship Rituals To Sustain Intimacy
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Relationship Rituals To Sustain Intimacy
How to Get Your Needs Met in Your Relationship
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How to Get Your Needs Met in Your Relationship
Relationship Experts Answer Your Questions [Real Talk Episode 4]
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Relationship Experts Answer Your Questions [Real Talk Episode 4]
The Truth About Healing in Relationships
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The Truth About Healing in Relationships
The Crisis of Masculinity: Why Men Struggle To Show Emotion
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The Crisis of Masculinity: Why Men Struggle To Show Emotion
How To Complain Effectively (And Get What You Want)
มุมมอง 16Kปีที่แล้ว
How To Complain Effectively (And Get What You Want)
I am already tired and fed up of this toxic individualism. It is immature and stuns personal development
So many thanks🙏✌💚🎨🌲🕊
Thanks for the reminder Terry. It’s too much energy to be selfish when all we want is love and acceptance.
Beautifully put!
You know what you’re talking about.
I read your book "I Don't Want to Talk About It" in 2018. I revisited this year after a breakup in 2024. At 34 years I'm realizing I have some under-developed romantic relationship skills. I'm still working to reconnect with my deeper self. Plan to use your content to learn some skills, and examine some internal narratives along the way.
Thank you for sharing, and for taking this first step! Glad I can be part of your journey.
Better keep that relationship tiddy because you are both wallowing in that mess. No way around it.
❤ Relational Life Therapy! ❤. So real, so true, so valuable!
My secret to a 22 year marriage is: I fall in love with him as a daily practice. 🫶💐
That's beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
Rock. On. Terry.
Compassionate curiosity - entering into the subjective experience of our partners as an act of emotional generosity. Being with - allowing, opening up space: I’m sorry honey. That sounds hard. I can understand why you might feel like that. (Empathy) Help me understand. Tell me more. Let’s face this together. Then: Is there something I can do to help you feel better?
Lovely summary, thank you for sharing!
@realterryreal you are so helpful!
I would buy your books. How many are translated into spanish, and how to get them? Thanks in advance
Hi Alicia! If I recall correctly, only "Us" has been translated to Spanish under the title "Nosotros: Más allá de ti y de mí, cómo construir una relación de pareja fuerte", and you should be able to find it on Amazon where you live. Hope this helps!
@@realterryreal many thanks. I need to understand feelings. I felt in love for the first time at my 50 (six years a go) with a non-ableable emotionally man that disappears anytime he felt close to get compromised. It's sad, so sad to know deep in your heart HE IS, and that me is SHE. But even knowing it won't be, it makes it kinder to understand our barriers. Regards
Brilliance!!!
Glad you liked it, Marina!
Well Done Terry!! Extremely well-articulated and hugely useful to all!! Thank you All at RLT!!!
Thank you, Meghan - glad you found this helpful!
Excellent. This is a good default for when in doubt. When there is no doubt that your behaviors hurt them. Would 'I'm sorry I hurt you' be more accountable?
I have a video on "How To Make A Genuine Apology" that would be helpful in that case, you can check it out here: th-cam.com/video/h7OjWxDSrg8/w-d-xo.html
I love your work. Your work has changed my life. I read your book I Don’t Want to Talk About It, at the beginning of this year. It made me reflect so much and acknowledge a lot of repressed trauma. I continue my journey in improving relationship. I watch your videos all the time. Love your work. Thank you for what you do.
Thank you for sharing! I'm glad to hear I've been a part of your journey in some way, and that you've found value in what I've learned and am now sharing. Sending love!
My RLT therapist and I have been talking about narcissism, passive to extreme, and it is heartbreaking. Angering. So, when you said “I can’t tell you how many partners I see who put up with behavior that they really shouldn’t be putting up with they get resentful they get withdrawn and then the partner 10,15 years later leaves them anyway saying the relationship is dead and they’re right it actually is because you haven’t been authentic in taking your partner on all this time and passion has dried up…” The accuracy of this statement aside, I hear the blame lies on me, it’s my fault for the decades old dead relationship. When does the narcissist get to be at fault? Seriously. I’m learning about this now. My authentic self has been waiting for me to see my truth and become available to do some work. My work on me. I’m about to read Us, at my therapist’s suggestion. More will be revealed. Your videos and books have been a lifeline. Thank you.
I feel you made a very wise statement there - "I hear the blame lies on me". In RLT, what you could also say is "what I make up is that you are saying the blame lies with me. Is that true?" If that is the question, the answer is no, the blame is not on you. Your partner, whether they are Narcissistic or Grandiose, would be for your Therapist to determine in a session with you both. In RLT, we would say that many people labeled as Narcissistic are not, they are Grandiose. They are unaware of their impact on those around them, and their empathy is blunted. This is in contrast to a Narcissist, which is a medical diagnosis. RLT has a great track record of teaching empathy to those who are stuck in Grandiosity. For your last part, I would completely endorse you continuing to work on yourself, on your side of the street as they say. You can't control your partner, but you can control yourself. I'm curious as to how different your experience would be if you could hold yourself in warm regard and not blame yourself? You are doing great work, and we're here for you - please keep engaging, and I would love to see you on a live course soon.
My wife has filed for divorce and I’m devastated. We went to an LMFT that I didn’t think had much to offer. We also went to church councilors 4 times and again they didn’t have much to offer. She’s accusing me of narcissism and says we “tried everything”, but I joined a marriage recover program alone with coaches that were trained by you. I’ve learned so much. I told her we tried two things a lot of times which is far from “everything “. But it seems the damage is too extensive. She’s still willing to admit that she loves me. Everyone is heartbroken (we have two small kids) and the finances are decimated but she has convinced herself it’s for the best. I have moments where I look forward to my future without her, but that conflicts with my vision for my family, the sacredness of my vow and my duty to perform love even when it feels terrible. I want to ask how I can get through to her, but I already know I need to respect her boundaries and let her make her choice. Sheesh, life is full of heartache and I have remorse that I didn’t allow myself to receive the depth of the relationship that was available to me. I bet that’s very pleasant for those who have experienced it. I don’t think I’m a narcissist or even innately selfish. I just thought I was obligated to perform masculinity but I didn’t have the tools to relationally live out my masculine energy.
Hi Joel. I can feel your heartbreak through your comment. I hope you and your wife can continue to have some solid support around you both. I don't think I could do justice trying to reply to you on social media, but what I can say, human to human, is I hear you, and I see you. Heartbreak can be a great teacher as long as you can hold yourself in warm regard at the same time, which is no easy task. I'd encourage you to work privately with an RLT practitioner, they may have more to offer in this situation. You can find one here: directory.relationallife.com/ Good luck! It will be a journey.
Thank you, I am a fan of your work. In my experience, these selfish men either won’t or can’t be accountable for their behavior. Blame shifting is real, it was my fault for being upset about how I was being treated, not their fault for treating me badly. I tried and tried to talk about this, until I was so frustrated for not being listened to that I spoke up more strongly (not yelling and screaming though). My partner of 10 years then ended our relationship - he said it was because I was angry and resentful. Our patriarchal culture has done much damage to heterosexual relationships. (I can’t speak to other relationships in my own experience).
Hi Deb! Thank you for sharing your story. As you navigate this challenge, you might find it helpful to have professional help - I'd suggest looking at our RLT practitioner directory and working with a therapist or a coach. Curious - have you taken my Relationship Grid quiz to find out how you show up in your relationships? This might be helpful for you in your development, which is all you can do on your side of the seesaw. You can find it here: quiz.terryreal.com/
Terry, no one talks relationships as well as you. I like your matter of fact way, it turns the heat down. thanks
I appreciate this! Thank you for the support.
I ❤this!
Happy to hear it! Thanks for the comment.
This can be true but when you’ve tried for years to get your partner to self reflect on their actions (with a couples therapist that has trained with you) and they have no desire to change their behavior, it’s time to move on.
I have a tool for this that I call "relational reckoning" - it's asking yourself "am I getting enough in this relationship to make the pain of what I'm not getting okay with me?". I have a video on this coming up soon, would love to hear your thoughts about it once it's up.
This video just saved my life as well as my children’s lives in so many ways. God always on time!
This comment made me incredibly happy. Thank you for sharing, and I am glad to hear you and your family are safe.
So many phenomenal gems in this TH-cam needs to promote this To EVERYONE Breathing 😂
Glad it came across your feed! Thanks for the support.
Amazing
This is amazing! I enjoyed hearing your perspective and find it helpful
Thank you Anna! Glad it resonated.
Such a beautifully expressed message for everyone - male, female, and non-binary folks - especially given that the systemic patriarchal cultural messages, overtly and covertly, teach otherwise. I have come to appreciate again and again that our sense of self-worth and self-esteem are at the core of our capacity to give and receive love and experience inner and outer peace ☮️ Thank you, Terry🙏❤️❣️
What a wonderful comment! Thank you for it, and for your support.
This felt comforting to learn that I am idealistic when it comes to my expectations of a marriage. I’m always thinking the grass would be greener with someone else. Been through a lot of betrayal that echoes my childhood. I haven’t healed from that and it’s my partner’s behavior that brings it to the surface. I unconsciously keep expecting him to heal all of that and make the lifetime of betrayal right, instead of holding my parents accountable. Tough work being in a relationship Thank you.
Thank you for sharing, Diane. We all have our work cut out for us when it comes to our intimate relationships, so don't feel alone in this.
And it's always the therapists who don't understand masculinity. That's not a coincidence.
Women want masculine men. Men are willing to give women what they say they want but when they do, they get rejected. Women want traditionally masculine men more than men want to be traditionally masculine.
Like COLONISER'S not asking to share land's for knowledge instead of taking everything
This shit is a game changer. It works (!) and the result is a diminished amount of drama and an increased amount of intimacy. If that's not your jam you probably are better off alone...lol.
Subscribed! Great advice.
Thank you! See you next week with a new video. 😃
Thank you Terry
thank you Terry, thank you so much. Really the love is needed and the clarity. 💞
I'm glad to hear it resonated with you. 💙
@@realterryreal if I'm really honest, it came to the right time. Even after 35 years of therapy and medtiation, I saw my blindspot with your video. 💜 grateful for that
Super super useful! While I really want to reject the terms "love addict" or "codependent", I recognize that those were the behaviors I was engaging in. I engaged in them to a great degree in my marriage, but also to a lesser degree in my recent relationship. This video helped me see how far I have come (I stood up for myself frequently, and mostly respectfully! I knew I was worthy!), it also clarified what is yet to be done (um, actually LEAVE before a year goes by if it sucks!) and gave me ideas on how to be 'fiercely intimate' in future relationships. Thank you! Bonus: Fierce Intimacy is available on audiobook from my library, and on my list to borrow.
I love this ! Thanks
Hi Terry, Once the wise adult is back in the driving seat after the adaptive child is triggered by a partner, is it always essential to let the partner know what happened/talk through it with them? Love the videos!
Thank you!!!!!❤❤❤
Retaliation can do wonders. My boss was a jerk. I retaliated. Our director talked to other of his employees and fired him. Retaliation worked great.
Great point! In RLT we would call what you are describing as "Telling the truth to Power", and we are all about that! Retaliation in a relationship context would be more like eating the resentment, and then screwing up a key project at work behind your bosses back so they look really bad. Depending on how you got your boss fired it could be retaliation, or Standing Up To Power.
Needed this this morning .If I could send a million 💖 emojis I would. TY
I feel normal now..........🤣 seriously. growing and learning real intimacy. Thank you Terry Real for being real.
Thank you! Glad I can be part of your journey.
Such great information is always. But I don’t know why they have added music? It makes it so incredibly difficult to hear.
Thank you for the feedback, Sheryl - will take it into consideration for future videos.
@@realterryreal Thanks! Much appreciated! I don’t like to miss a word.
Thanks, Terry. I love how straightforward this is. Retaliation from the victim position ( we know when we're there) is pointless. It is like swallowing poison. And when retaliation is coming at me and the other person doesn't want to connect and work through issues, all I can do is recalibrate the space between us, hold my centre and be open to change.
Glad you enjoyed it!
You mainly work with couples? not singles seeking a partner?
...or how to be that formidable wise grandparent that you've always dreamed and read about 🙂 Thank you, Terry Real!
What a wonderfully kind comment, thank you!
Needed this this morning .If I could send a million 💖 emojis I would. TY
Masterful!
OMG Terry, you are so funny in this video :)))
Glad we could share a laugh! Thank you for watching.
the two of you together... what a freaking dream!
The voice of reason and wisdom-thank you for sharing in this way to such a wide audience. So many people have unrealistic expectations of their partners, and fail to see their own wounds at play. These are essential teachings 💛
I felt it and thought I needed him until I found me in this moment 😢❤
Sending you love.