Kenda my Husband left me and our 8 years old daughter Once he turned 40 few weeks after he was a different man with lots of anger and resentment toward us . He didn’t show any empathy and left us .he said he never born to be in a relationship for long and he never wanted to be a father but we were married for 13 years and . I am still devastated your videos is helping me a lots The course is wonderful I just can’t accept the long time of This crises is 3 to 7 years . I love my husband I found out he has a terrible childhood I don’t know about it He was an amazing husband and a father He was our hero I fell bad I can’t help him with this pain he doesn’t want and I can’t force him . I just want him na k on my Life . I am Very much detached now but my Love still There . Any thing you could advise ? Thank you sooo much for this great job
The sexlessness and forced celibacy that is Soooo popular in marriage these days is a giant issue and a pre-cursor to serious relationship breakdown that coincidentally occurs right around mid-life. When the crisis hits either spouse - the connection that would sustain them through this period is absent because one spouse just decided physical intimacy / sex and the consistent bonding that happens with it is not important to them. Increases the change that divorce will happen.
During mlc often they will say they want a divorce …. So is it perhaps the thoughts of facing a divorce that triggered the mlc and later after the mlc is settling they will just continue with the divorce?
So in summary the first five minutes: what are we going to do if something disasterous maybe happens in the future. Let s be anxious about sonething that did not happen yet and may never happen but just because it can possibly happen, could i trust you then in that unlikely event? Great advice on how to scare your man away again 👍
Your Story Sounds So much like mine. We are both unable to Work and Husband Vanished. Mine says he wants a Divorce, I never wanted this. When they Vanish like this it's Devistating😢..I still love my Husband but I'm afraid I could never Trust him again. I Hope you Can Come through this with Your Head held High and many Blessings 🙏
Sometimes I think it’s better if they vanish.. my husband never left me alone. It was constant harassment, abuse, manipulation and lying for over two years after he left… it was a nightmare. Finally he wanted to come home but I was so happy with my life.. I said no to him… best thing I ever did.. he’s still with her but he’s miserable 🤷♀️… you might “think” u want him back… but your mind changes as time goes by.. concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy. I have no love for someone who threw me in the garbage
how come when a man realizes his worth its a midlife crisis but when women do it aka tia mowry realizes her worth its her loving herself and choosing herself
Yes, when you are saying is from a place of neediness or even reminding them... what are you doing or why are you doing this... I love you. But when instead, you are saying it as a reassurance, it can be something to help them feel loved and accepted. Not all MLCers open themselves in this way too reassurance--or to needing reassurance. Clinging Boomerangs are best known for being open and needing to be reassured.
I can’t get a straight answer on this question the 3 to 7 years you commonly referred to is that start at bomb drop or the one to two years before because when we hit bomb drop they are in stage three correct?
I consider Bomb Drop the start of the clock--so the 3 to upwards of 7 years is from Bomb Drop. MLC has roots before that, but the time begins with Bomb Drop when they make things somewhat known.
My wife almost did the plastic surgery in the early pre divorce period. Was fantasizing about it but she never went through with it thank God. 5 yrs standing
So what do we DO? Just stay in perpetual limbo? My MLC spouse has been in his limerent affair since mid 2019, with my discovery happening in Jan 2021. I keep hoping the mistress will get boring and bothersome and my spouse will realize she is not a unicorn. But, to borrow a term that I'm not sure I'm using right, he is very low energy and tolerates lots of mediocrity (thus being willing to sleep next to me for 1.5 years while supposedly desperately in "love" with this friend of mine), so I bet he could happily stay in this limbo for 22+ years (the length of our marriage before the affair started).. am I to just stay in a holding pattern "working on me" all that time?
Midlife crises is awful is painful is terrible Why this happed to my family to my Hursband he used to be the most kind man in this world now he is a monster . He is lashing out in everyone specially towards me . Is everyone’s faults that’s what he says
I am so tired of midlife crises This sucks Is an nightmare is a trauma for life I am dealing with a monster He used to the most nice husband Now is awful like possessed with an entity . The man I used to know for 13 years died and now is emerged an selfish teenager whose wears only black clothes . Pure narcissist behave pure pure selfishness .
I was forced to divorce, 2 months after she decided to separate. 14 years, down the drain within 60 days.. the best thing you can do and nobody wants to believe it because it’s so hard, is to move on. Honestly, just move on. I hate to admit it but it’s truly the only thing you can do. Fall in love with yourself. I thought mine would eventually change her mind, and I was wrong. She double downed and would accuse me of blocking her from living her life as Kendra said… so I gave her the life she fought for. I haven’t spoken to her in 6 months after the divorce… and now I’m here. Learning myself. Taking trips.. and taking advantage of my experience to be better.
Thank you so much for all of your videos, forums and videos. This has been so helpful. My question is how do I start the process of detachment when he is In and out of the house often? I want to make myself a priority but what are some good first steps along with therapy?
Mrs. Ruth, Thank you for taking the time to answer my question yesterday 3/29 (Friday). I gained more insight to my families predicament and you reinforced my belief I am doing all I can which refueled my empty tank to keep going. I wanted to provide some clarifications and insight on my families situation. Some things were lost in translation. Upon BD my wife entered into separation and has not stayed in our home since. She had an attorney from the start. My wife stayed with her father, then at a families empty home before moving seventy (70) miles away to where she grew up. Although I verbally requested sharing our children she refused and I decided to wait for a court ruling instead of playing tug of war with our children in the parking lot after school. My wife quit her job at the middle school she worked at. She told friends her employer didn’t know what they were doing, didn’t appreciate her, took her for granted and didn’t pay her well. My wife tried to un enroll all three (3) children with three (3) weeks left in the school year and enroll them where she moved to. My attorney called a emergency meeting with the court/judge and she was stopped. In NC we have to be separated for a year before being granted a divorce. We are eligible but I don’t know, I’m assuming I’ll hear something soon. A lot of this feels attorney driven but I’m not pushing for it. I do feel like giving it to her is the only way forward so I will do that. “I was given custody” I was given temporary custody of all three (3) of my children by the Judge/court on June 14 following a hearing, During that hearing my wife was asked by my attorney why she felt the need to leave in the middle of the night and take all three (3) children and not allow any contact with me for two (2) days. My wife couldn’t answer the question. Just this week I was given permanent primary custody following an agreement worked out between the attorneys. My wife’s attorney earlier in the week said they wanted custody and me to pay child support. Following us presenting evidence the kids were doing well and seeing we had three (3) witnesses they chose to make a deal. The children live with me while attending school she gets three (3) weekends and I get one (1) a month. We will alternate every two (2) weeks during the childrens summer break. I believe her leaving in the middle of the night was because she is an avoidant Three days before leaving my wife went to our neighbor ladies house and told her “I’m leaving John can I store some items in your garage till I leave?” Our neighbor asked her “Is he hitting you?” My wife replied “no he would never do that.” My neighbor then asked why my wife was leaving me. My wife replied "because he got mad about cheese” (the dinner argument). My neighbor has known my wife for ten years(10) years and indicated she didn’t sound like the person I know. My neighbor also checked the boxes my wife left in her garage which she said appeared to be Boy Scout related stuff. My wife is/was a Scout leader to our children’s pack/troop. My neighbor said it didn’t make any sense to her why she would try to protect the Boy Scout stuff from me. My neighbor said she heard my wife told another neighbor lady I put a tracking device on her car which explains why she didn’t take that car which was actually a huge blessing because I can’t afford anything right now. Of other interest when my wife left she took only her I pad, romance novels and a high school boyfriend box. She left everything else, shoes, clothes, etc. I had picked up one of the romance novels in the living room six (6) months to a year earlier and randomly flipped to a page and started reading. It was extremely raunchy and pornographic. I was shocked by its content. The boyfriend box was something I stumbled upon in when we moved into our new home. My wife had it up in our guest room. Wondering if he was involved and she moved back to her home town I looked for it where I last saw it and it was gone. Just recently back in October following mediation for assets I had to put all of her stuff together to get back to her. I didn’t find the boyfriend box anywhere else in our home. Sincerely, John
I don’t get how your wife would just say. I fell out of love ,,, which is a lie,,, when they have a husband who loves her unconditionally,, loves her for her,, sacrificed everything for her,,,loyal,, and wants to keep his family together,,, and risk giving that a way
My husband had an affair but came back after our baby but he said after I’m just a dad that’s how people look at me he was out with our teenagers at the time we are only 37 but he left again filled for a divorce he moved to another state and now he’s in a relationship so is that a MlC or exit affair but he has made the comments about boring and stagnant
Here's the first article in my MLC overview chapter: www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc.html As for Dr. Joe Beam and his view of MLC, I cannot speak for him. He doesn't seem to be of the MLC doesn't exist it;s a myth category, but just doesn't like calling what I call MLC, MLC. For the MLC is a myth category, I wrote this: www.theherosspouse.com/2309/files/5e6cdc12aaffd_1584192530_empirical-midlife-studies-and-the-backlash-against-midlife-crisis.pdf
Yes - depression and anxiety. She’s been looking to move out and has menopause as well. I believe she’s on dating sites and has anxiety being at our home and around me. No fighting or monstering. She has said exactly what you said - I deserve better and that she prays to God. She believes this is happening so God can rid me of her and deliver a better person to me …. Insanity
Thanks so much for answering this question.. everything you describe is so accurate, you are amazing. I admire you. Thanks for understanding and advice.
We were married for 19. 22 total. I believe her attention style is dismissive avoidant or FA. another group suggested that if you have been married for a lengthy part of time you can’t have a avoidant spouse
Since I asked this question he hasn't paid me anything. I have to go back to Ohio to handle some business and to seemy son I'm nervous about seeing him I don't know how I should interact with him without him monstering I want to go there on my 32nd wedding anniversary I haven't talked to him a month since he seemed completely irrational I think he is doing harder drugs by the way he was acting the alienator is still living with him probably doing drugs with him at this point I am no contact and I'm not standing I'm done with him I also need financial help from him so I get my own place how would I keep him from monstering? Please help
If you haven't already enrolled, I recommend signing up for my FREE course Understanding Midlife Crisis. www.theherosspouse.com/.../understanding-midlife... My membership for Forward Moving Spouses, Stand Up and THRIVE!, closes tonight at 9:00pm Pacific-that’s just under 8 hours from now. This is a support group-we meet on Zoom a few times a week-and it includes my online course Detach & Thrive. You can join for the course, for the live meetings or both. www.theherosspouse.com/courses/thrive-membership
Just wow spot on. 😮
If they get help with the depression and anxiety, how does that change the dynamic?
Kenda my Husband left me and our 8 years old daughter Once he turned 40 few weeks after he was a different man with lots of anger and resentment toward us . He didn’t show any empathy and left us .he said he never born to be in a relationship for long and he never wanted to be a father but we were married for 13 years and . I am still devastated your videos is helping me a lots The course is wonderful I just can’t accept the long time of This crises is 3 to 7 years . I love my husband I found out he has a terrible childhood I don’t know about it He was an amazing husband and a father He was our hero I fell bad I can’t help him with this pain he doesn’t want and I can’t force him . I just want him na k on my Life . I am Very much detached now but my Love still There . Any thing you could advise ? Thank you sooo much for this great job
Where do you submit a question
forms.gle/P1Kki71fiFbQzJgW7
How about if their hiding it?
Spot on. What’s missing
The sexlessness and forced celibacy that is Soooo popular in marriage these days is a giant issue and a pre-cursor to serious relationship breakdown that coincidentally occurs right around mid-life. When the crisis hits either spouse - the connection that would sustain them through this period is absent because one spouse just decided physical intimacy / sex and the consistent bonding that happens with it is not important to them. Increases the change that divorce will happen.
During mlc often they will say they want a divorce …. So is it perhaps the thoughts of facing a divorce that triggered the mlc and later after the mlc is settling they will just continue with the divorce?
Thank for this! 😊
So in summary the first five minutes: what are we going to do if something disasterous maybe happens in the future. Let s be anxious about sonething that did not happen yet and may never happen but just because it can possibly happen, could i trust you then in that unlikely event? Great advice on how to scare your man away again 👍
No he's not coming back.
Yep - hard to save your relationship when one partner decides to never give physical affection, kissing or the dreaded sexual intimacy.
Your Story Sounds So much like mine. We are both unable to Work and Husband Vanished. Mine says he wants a Divorce, I never wanted this. When they Vanish like this it's Devistating😢..I still love my Husband but I'm afraid I could never Trust him again. I Hope you Can Come through this with Your Head held High and many Blessings 🙏
Sometimes I think it’s better if they vanish.. my husband never left me alone. It was constant harassment, abuse, manipulation and lying for over two years after he left… it was a nightmare. Finally he wanted to come home but I was so happy with my life.. I said no to him… best thing I ever did.. he’s still with her but he’s miserable 🤷♀️… you might “think” u want him back… but your mind changes as time goes by.. concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy. I have no love for someone who threw me in the garbage
how come when a man realizes his worth its a midlife crisis but when women do it aka tia mowry realizes her worth its her loving herself and choosing herself
She’s finding herself or finding her happiness. It’s one rule for women and the opposite rule for him. Even when a woman divorces it’s his fault…..
Your content is so valuable wish I’d found it ten years ago would love to see you get more followers
Also, you talked about letting them know that you loved them I thought saying I love you was a push that we need to refrain from during this process
Yes, when you are saying is from a place of neediness or even reminding them... what are you doing or why are you doing this... I love you. But when instead, you are saying it as a reassurance, it can be something to help them feel loved and accepted. Not all MLCers open themselves in this way too reassurance--or to needing reassurance. Clinging Boomerangs are best known for being open and needing to be reassured.
I can’t get a straight answer on this question the 3 to 7 years you commonly referred to is that start at bomb drop or the one to two years before because when we hit bomb drop they are in stage three correct?
I consider Bomb Drop the start of the clock--so the 3 to upwards of 7 years is from Bomb Drop. MLC has roots before that, but the time begins with Bomb Drop when they make things somewhat known.
My wife almost did the plastic surgery in the early pre divorce period. Was fantasizing about it but she never went through with it thank God. 5 yrs standing
❤❤❤❤❤❤
So what do we DO? Just stay in perpetual limbo? My MLC spouse has been in his limerent affair since mid 2019, with my discovery happening in Jan 2021. I keep hoping the mistress will get boring and bothersome and my spouse will realize she is not a unicorn. But, to borrow a term that I'm not sure I'm using right, he is very low energy and tolerates lots of mediocrity (thus being willing to sleep next to me for 1.5 years while supposedly desperately in "love" with this friend of mine), so I bet he could happily stay in this limbo for 22+ years (the length of our marriage before the affair started).. am I to just stay in a holding pattern "working on me" all that time?
Midlife crises is awful is painful is terrible Why this happed to my family to my Hursband he used to be the most kind man in this world now he is a monster . He is lashing out in everyone specially towards me . Is everyone’s faults that’s what he says
Is it guaranteed that all MLCers will go through Liminality?
Has she talked about getting a divorce?
I am so tired of midlife crises This sucks Is an nightmare is a trauma for life I am dealing with a monster He used to the most nice husband Now is awful like possessed with an entity . The man I used to know for 13 years died and now is emerged an selfish teenager whose wears only black clothes . Pure narcissist behave pure pure selfishness .
How much does menopause effect a wife’s MLC?
Sounds like he got mixed up with a woman who has BPD
I was forced to divorce, 2 months after she decided to separate. 14 years, down the drain within 60 days.. the best thing you can do and nobody wants to believe it because it’s so hard, is to move on. Honestly, just move on. I hate to admit it but it’s truly the only thing you can do. Fall in love with yourself. I thought mine would eventually change her mind, and I was wrong. She double downed and would accuse me of blocking her from living her life as Kendra said… so I gave her the life she fought for. I haven’t spoken to her in 6 months after the divorce… and now I’m here. Learning myself. Taking trips.. and taking advantage of my experience to be better.
What happened with alimony?
Thank you so much for all of your videos, forums and videos. This has been so helpful. My question is how do I start the process of detachment when he is In and out of the house often? I want to make myself a priority but what are some good first steps along with therapy?
Mrs. Ruth, Thank you for taking the time to answer my question yesterday 3/29 (Friday). I gained more insight to my families predicament and you reinforced my belief I am doing all I can which refueled my empty tank to keep going. I wanted to provide some clarifications and insight on my families situation. Some things were lost in translation. Upon BD my wife entered into separation and has not stayed in our home since. She had an attorney from the start. My wife stayed with her father, then at a families empty home before moving seventy (70) miles away to where she grew up. Although I verbally requested sharing our children she refused and I decided to wait for a court ruling instead of playing tug of war with our children in the parking lot after school. My wife quit her job at the middle school she worked at. She told friends her employer didn’t know what they were doing, didn’t appreciate her, took her for granted and didn’t pay her well. My wife tried to un enroll all three (3) children with three (3) weeks left in the school year and enroll them where she moved to. My attorney called a emergency meeting with the court/judge and she was stopped. In NC we have to be separated for a year before being granted a divorce. We are eligible but I don’t know, I’m assuming I’ll hear something soon. A lot of this feels attorney driven but I’m not pushing for it. I do feel like giving it to her is the only way forward so I will do that. “I was given custody” I was given temporary custody of all three (3) of my children by the Judge/court on June 14 following a hearing, During that hearing my wife was asked by my attorney why she felt the need to leave in the middle of the night and take all three (3) children and not allow any contact with me for two (2) days. My wife couldn’t answer the question. Just this week I was given permanent primary custody following an agreement worked out between the attorneys. My wife’s attorney earlier in the week said they wanted custody and me to pay child support. Following us presenting evidence the kids were doing well and seeing we had three (3) witnesses they chose to make a deal. The children live with me while attending school she gets three (3) weekends and I get one (1) a month. We will alternate every two (2) weeks during the childrens summer break. I believe her leaving in the middle of the night was because she is an avoidant Three days before leaving my wife went to our neighbor ladies house and told her “I’m leaving John can I store some items in your garage till I leave?” Our neighbor asked her “Is he hitting you?” My wife replied “no he would never do that.” My neighbor then asked why my wife was leaving me. My wife replied "because he got mad about cheese” (the dinner argument). My neighbor has known my wife for ten years(10) years and indicated she didn’t sound like the person I know. My neighbor also checked the boxes my wife left in her garage which she said appeared to be Boy Scout related stuff. My wife is/was a Scout leader to our children’s pack/troop. My neighbor said it didn’t make any sense to her why she would try to protect the Boy Scout stuff from me. My neighbor said she heard my wife told another neighbor lady I put a tracking device on her car which explains why she didn’t take that car which was actually a huge blessing because I can’t afford anything right now. Of other interest when my wife left she took only her I pad, romance novels and a high school boyfriend box. She left everything else, shoes, clothes, etc. I had picked up one of the romance novels in the living room six (6) months to a year earlier and randomly flipped to a page and started reading. It was extremely raunchy and pornographic. I was shocked by its content. The boyfriend box was something I stumbled upon in when we moved into our new home. My wife had it up in our guest room. Wondering if he was involved and she moved back to her home town I looked for it where I last saw it and it was gone. Just recently back in October following mediation for assets I had to put all of her stuff together to get back to her. I didn’t find the boyfriend box anywhere else in our home. Sincerely, John
This story doesn’t sound like a MLC scenario!
Why not?
Curious why you don’t think this is MLC?
Not sure exactly why. Also in the beginning she expressed don’t often see this in mlc
Yeah I heard that but she never rules it out. Additionally the scenario checks all the MLC blocks. Thanks for the reply. I’m still standing.
The person who proposed this question should contact me, we are in very similar situations. I’d love to share stories.
John here. Me too. How do we connect?
Link to TH-cam interview with Sue Johnson (Emotionally Focused Therapy) th-cam.com/video/6HvSQq3kUFs/w-d-xo.html
I don’t get how your wife would just say. I fell out of love ,,, which is a lie,,, when they have a husband who loves her unconditionally,, loves her for her,, sacrificed everything for her,,,loyal,, and wants to keep his family together,,, and risk giving that a way
Actually Happens a lot
Fun fact the song R.E.S P.E.C.T. was written by a man. Both want it but for men it's a bit higher on the desire
You should call "monstering" "monster mashing" 😂
My husband had an affair but came back after our baby but he said after I’m just a dad that’s how people look at me he was out with our teenagers at the time we are only 37 but he left again filled for a divorce he moved to another state and now he’s in a relationship so is that a MlC or exit affair but he has made the comments about boring and stagnant
Can you describe the characteristics of an MLC and why marriage helper says it doesn't exist?
Here's the first article in my MLC overview chapter: www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc.html As for Dr. Joe Beam and his view of MLC, I cannot speak for him. He doesn't seem to be of the MLC doesn't exist it;s a myth category, but just doesn't like calling what I call MLC, MLC. For the MLC is a myth category, I wrote this: www.theherosspouse.com/2309/files/5e6cdc12aaffd_1584192530_empirical-midlife-studies-and-the-backlash-against-midlife-crisis.pdf
Yes - depression and anxiety. She’s been looking to move out and has menopause as well. I believe she’s on dating sites and has anxiety being at our home and around me. No fighting or monstering. She has said exactly what you said - I deserve better and that she prays to God. She believes this is happening so God can rid me of her and deliver a better person to me …. Insanity
19:49 "Detachment is the by-product of living your life."
Looking for context here. What is MLC? Edit: Heard it mentioned at end of video -- Mid LIfe Crisis.
Very interesting statistics. Thanks so much
Thanks so much for answering this question.. everything you describe is so accurate, you are amazing. I admire you. Thanks for understanding and advice.
We were married for 19. 22 total. I believe her attention style is dismissive avoidant or FA. another group suggested that if you have been married for a lengthy part of time you can’t have a avoidant spouse
When do they realize escape and avoid can’t go on forever
So 1 and a half years in for a woman is still to early?
Yes. MLC for a woman lasts 2-5 years on average.
Since I asked this question he hasn't paid me anything. I have to go back to Ohio to handle some business and to seemy son I'm nervous about seeing him I don't know how I should interact with him without him monstering I want to go there on my 32nd wedding anniversary I haven't talked to him a month since he seemed completely irrational I think he is doing harder drugs by the way he was acting the alienator is still living with him probably doing drugs with him at this point I am no contact and I'm not standing I'm done with him I also need financial help from him so I get my own place how would I keep him from monstering? Please help
Yes, I have a vanished since 2019
I believe: Mid life crisis
Kids eh 😂 You handled Eli really well
If you haven't already enrolled, I recommend signing up for my FREE course Understanding Midlife Crisis. www.theherosspouse.com/.../understanding-midlife... My membership for Forward Moving Spouses, Stand Up and THRIVE!, closes tonight at 9:00pm Pacific-that’s just under 8 hours from now. This is a support group-we meet on Zoom a few times a week-and it includes my online course Detach & Thrive. You can join for the course, for the live meetings or both. www.theherosspouse.com/courses/thrive-membership