wowie zawa 2 pieces in 2 days! yay! rejoice, celebrate!
time for the yap sesh heh!
last year around this time i got very depressed. it was a complete whole new low for me and i had no idea what to do. i didnt want to reach out for help or anything so instead i wallowed in it. but out of misfortune comes goodness because i picked up musescore and started composing for the hell of it hence forth the birth of infamy upon a cloud. which im very proud of still to this today! today its 2024 and im fearful of whats to come. will i reach a horrible low like last year? will i even make it through another low IF i have one? i use music as an escape but what happens when my notes run out? when i cant pick up my pen and write another melody? to be honest, i miss home, i miss sessile trail and foxshadows lane. i miss my temporary father and friends outside, i miss walking to school with people, i miss being accepted even if i had to be a person i wasnt. im already in a low, i hate being queer, i hate this new house, i hate this new school and neighbor. i miss being greeted by a friend group at lunch who loved me man. i miss walking to my grandmas house and sitting by jesse jones park and watching the creek water flow. i miss home. this house doesnt feel like a home. in my last home i watched my step-dad but instead of harrowing it felt comforting, i felt safe in that home no matter how many gunshots or loud sounds that would startle me outside. i wish i could return to sessile and would of never gotten sick. i wish i went back to foxshadows and spent more time outside with souls whom so pure could put a smile on my face. no matter the lows i faced in those places i knew i would be okay. whether the divorce in foxshadows or the death in sessile i knew there was still a shimmer of light that just MAYBE i'd be fine. there is no type of quality or quirk to this house that gives off the same radiance as those places. there is no comfort in walls nor halls. love could fix this all but i have to accept myself for who i am but i couldnt even begin with that man because no matter how much i try my father and mother would still gut me as both sides of the family shuns me as if i was martin luther speaking up against the church. i told myself this would be paradise if i moved to a place where i could be myself, a fresh plate that would be filled with pristine fruits freshly picked and washed by gentle caring hands. if i want to strive to have this paradise i have to start in my head. but it seems almost futile; at the end of the day its just a cycle and only i have the ability to end it. maybe i just shut my whining up and just accept where am i, suck it up stop being a bitch and accept people dont like me for what i am, accept that i dislike most aspects about myself whether that be my weird view on my masculinity or my romantic preferences, accept that this form and skin i live in is the one ill be stuck with forever and i know ill forever be discontent with myself no matter what i do. if i express myself fully without letting myself be pushed down ill still hate myself. its the skin i live in and the only way i can really escape is through death but i dont wanna die so acceptance is the only route to stop myself from triggering another unsavable low. i wont have a leech on my whose only here for my attention and just because their scared of being alone. i havent become avoidant nor showing any signs of becoming avoidant but its the same that happened last year this month. just wait until november hits and i may be a different person. but as always there is still time to stop myself from ever grazing december 2023 low but i probably couldnt even stop it if i wanted to.
thanks for reading this if you even made it this far. im sorry im using my youtube stuff for this stupid shit it probably should of went in a doc for it to rot away. thanks for listening to the piece.
remember kiddos, stay healthy and go outside!
- 10/8