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TW: venting about some issues I had/have below that may be disturbing
The past few days I’ve just felt kinda sad and stressed and haven’t really talked about it with people. I feel guilt over what I’ve already done, and every day I feel more guilt, the more I think about my past and my actions.
It’s hard to believe; I have a life I’ve hoped for where I’m finally away from teachers who caused me problems, I left so many people who caused me problems, I left the school that caused me problems, and I’m at a new place with better grades, less stress and good new friends. I also am on good terms with many of my other friends.
The thing that is probably the most important part to me is that I can escape mentally compared to the state I was in before and now I can actually feel happy, which wasn’t possible for multiple years to simply genuinely feel happy.
This recovery seemed impossible to me, a year ago this month I was being assaulted at school and had to get the police to stop him from stalking and contacting me. I had even blocked my assaulter but multiple friends of mine supported him (even though they knew he harmed me) because they were also friends with him, and they helped him block-evade to contact me and he followed me in person, even with an attempt to give me a stuffed toy as a gift once despite the police telling him not to contact me or else he’d be arrested.
That whole situation severely traumatized me and still impacts my thoughts, idea of self-worth and desires. Today I saw the officer again who helped me to stop that assaulter and it just brought back a lot of memories of what happened.
I had many more situations last year, such as watching someone get hit by a car, a teacher possibly trying to groom me (keeping me after class, I told him I had a mentor already but he insisted it must be with him, he then disappeared and the staff were not allowed to inform students about what happened to him. A lot of other suspicious details followed)
I got bad habits but I worked on it and have been doing better, my friends physically hit me for fun, and I left a close friend I had for almost half my life who meant a lot to me.
I would cry in class and panic from flashbacks I once walked across the classroom to the teacher’s desk and hid under it as the next class came in, it was actually that bad. I didn’t feel like I was in reality, I could only feel a range of negative emotions in my head. I really wasn’t doing well but I honestly think I am doing a lot better.
I am terrified of having another terrible experience like someone dying again, and unfortunately I still have irrational thoughts, and get anxious about people leaving me and not liking me, or abusing me. I’ve even seen my thoughts come out in actions, even though I know they’re not right, I’m trying to make myself think like this less.
I also had a dream last night that my father told me he would visit me at times like in my dreams and sometimes, and that he still existed despite being dead. I don’t really know what to think about that dream but I’ll see if I see him in my dreams and if I can talk with him again. Even if it’s not real sometimes I like to see him just for a short while.